Question of the Married Couples

on 11/17/20 3:57 pm

My husband and I have been together for about 10 years, married for 5, we are both 31 years old, and NOW I feel he's getting weird about things that have transpired. I had surgery last month and he's been great for the most part but I'm Getting personal here, but are you still with the person you were with before you had your surgery? I think it really bothers my husband and he thinks I will lose all my weight and try to find someone better. I keep telling him there IS NOBODY better than him! He's made some comments "don't leave me when you get skinny" and I have told him that those comments make me feel uncomfortable and he shouldn't think like that but he's made a few (in different manors). Any advice?

on 11/17/20 6:39 pm - Central Coast, CA
RNY on 06/26/17

Is he overweight?
He might feel insecure about your weight loss, if he is overweight.

On the other hand if he is healthy, of average weight and both of you are young, he should be happy you are losing weight because life will be much more enjoyable when YOU are healthy, and the two of you can do tons of things together.

I'm still married, my husband has never been overweight in his life and after I lost the weight he said "I got my wife back"! I had gained most of my weight after my pregnancies.

SW:261 6/26/17 GW:150 10/6/18


on 11/18/20 5:24 am
RNY on 01/01/14

You'll feel a lot friskier soon as you start losing weight and feeling more confident in your body ... I bet he won't mind that a bit !

Paying a man lots of attention especially in public usually calms the jealousy down in my experience.

on 11/18/20 8:13 am
RNY on 04/15/19

Having weight loss surgery does take it's toll on some relationships unfortunately. Just try to be reassuring and attentive. Hang in there.

on 11/18/20 9:47 am - CA

WLS and rapid weight loss can be a stressful time in a marriage. Have you been through any other stressful times? If so, you will likely make it through this; if not, then this will be a test. The general consensus of professionals that I have seen on this is that it tends to make a strong marriage stronger, and can break up a weak one.

We often see breathless headlines about how half of WLS marriages end in divorce. But, isn't the divorce rate in our society somewhere around 50% (if not higher)? So what is the difference, other than possibly that the WLS is the trigger for breaking up a marriage that was already headed that way?

Oh, BTW, my wife had her WLS a bit over 15 years ago, and mine was about 10 years ago. I guess we made it into the top half of the class. And, if your husband hasn't noticed already, he soon will notice that things "fit" better in you.

1st support group/seminar - 8/03 (has it been that long?)  

Wife's DS - 5/05 w Dr. Robert Rabkin   VSG on 5/9/11 by Dr. John Rabkin


White Dove
on 11/19/20 3:13 am

If you want to stay married to the same person, then you will have to work at that. You are becoming a different person. There will be a lot more attention from men who are not your husband. If you did not do a lot of dating other people before you got with your husband, then the new attention can be overwhelming.

It has always been a pricey book, but this book addresses that and many other issues. I have bought it as a gift to people who are having weight loss surgery. Try to get a copy and read it. You can read the Kindle edition on your computer, if you don't have a Kindle.

Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery
by Cynthia Alexander

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

on 11/30/20 10:12 am

WLS ends a lot of marriages, so his worries are a tale as old as the surgery itself.

I changed so much after surgery. Things like confidence, energy, what you're interested in, diet, mood, physical ailments, what you're even capable of doing at your new size, etc... all these things change, some of them just a little bit, but when taken altogether? I wasn't the same person and I was no longer right for the same people I would have been right for before surgery.

I also have options like I never had before. I can date far "better" women than I ever could before. I will have so many more opportunities to cheat or find new relationships.

There are books out there about these sorts of things, I would definitely read up on the statistics as well. If you want to keep the marriage strong, you do have to realize he is probably going to need reassured and you need to communicate about how you and the relationship itself is changing. Sometimes I feel spouses need support groups of their own because so many of them go through hell seeing their partner become a better version of themselves, even if they love their partner with all their heart.