Who am I ?
I never ever thought I would struggle with who am once the weight was gone. I have been way over 300 lbs for most of my life. I was always proportionally fat. I would tell myself I was curvy (and boy was I curvy), I had ginormous breasts and like that even though I was big I still thought I was pretty attractive. My husband thought so and still thinks so. But I am having issues with it. I am thinner than I thought possible. I never thought I would be in a size 10 or be able to run, but I do. But in my head, I am still the fat girl. Because I run slow I dont want to call myself a runner. I always play down any accomplishment that has to do with athletics. Hell, I play down most accomplishments period. I am normally a self- confident outgoing person, but in the last 2 weeks something has changed and I dont know what it is. I realized at New Years for the first time EVER I dont have to lose anymore weight. Yeah, I want the last 5-10lbs off, but I am healthy where I am. Has anyone gone through this. Maybe its a body image thing. My breasts look like hound dog ears and they frequently hang out with the jello skin on my abdomen. I look good in clothes, but if I could I would sleep in a bra and spanx. (ok, so I couldnt breathe but I would look good). I know I am rambling, but my thoughts are just so confused. I would love to say I am still the same person on the inside, but did I change my "insides" because I was fat? Thanks for letting me ramble. This is one of the few places I feel safe to do so.
On a similar note, I had an epiphany the other day when talking to my Mom...that never in my life have I been in a place where I was maintaining my weight. I have ALWAYS been in a losing phase, or a constant climb up. Mentally, I think that should I get to maintenance some day, it's going to be mentally difficult to absorb and accept!!
In short, I understand what you are saying!!
For more info on my journey & goals, visit my blog at http://flirtybythirty.wordpress.com
I feel your pain.
We have spent many years being the fat girl. I know for me, I had a continuous voice in my head that constantly was going and it kept me very busy;
why cant I lose this weight
should I begin another diet
should I grow my hair longer to hide my fat face
should i cut my hair shorter to not emphasize my fat jaw
what am I going to fit into for work tomorrow
have I gone up another size
Should i try weigh****chers
I wish I had more energy to ..............
is she staring at me because of my size
did i not get the raise because I am fat
will i need an extended seat belt on the plane
will i fit into that booth at the restaurant
wonder what kind of chairs will be at the party,
will I break the chair
why is she staring into my food basket at the store
my arms are too short to wipe myself because my belly is too big, what am I going to do?
thinking about only looking at jewelry at Lane Bryant because the clothes dont fit me anymore but I still need something for that family thing next week.....
do I smell funny, better take another shower.........
The list was endless and never stopped. It permeated my every moment and it was a constant script rolling in my head. Keeping me very busy doing nothing. I was frozen yet exhausted from all the worrying. Guess what, it's gone now. Those thoughts are gone. The words that filled my head day and night for years are no longer there. What do I fill my head up with now? Who am I? Nothing is familiar.
Even my own body is a stranger. I used to be a fat girl who had the pretty face. Now my neck is wrinkly and sagging and I have wrinkles where the fat used to pop out to make me "beautiful". My breasts used to be large watermelons that looked like something men desired (weirdos) , now they are long ugly flat tube socks,that I have to roll up and place in my bra.
As women over 40 who have experienced weight loss, we have to deal not only with the way we have morphed but we also have to deal with what all middle aged women deal with; aging. Only with this fast weight loss the dramatic change in how much older we look is quicker. It is a hard pill to swallow for most of us.
With time, we will begin to be comfortable with the older face in the mirror, and the flabby older body. We abused our bodies for a reason. I guess we need to maybe replace the old script of fat talk with why we got to be that person. I think this is where the therapy helps.
I've noticed on OH there are 3 kinds of post surgery patients; the ones like you and me *****place food with intense physical fitness, the ones who get therapy and mainly focus on their diet instead of activity and the ones who do neither and fail. There are deviations from these basic groups, but that is what I see over and over again on this website in every room I go into. Perhaps now we gym rats need to also deal with the head stuff.
In any case, you have done an amazing job of losing the weight and giving yourself an amazing gift; a longer life with quality.
Thank you both for replying!! Sharon, you put into words exactly how I have been feeling. I think some therapy would probably be helpful....or course that would be admitting I had a problem!! :-) Thanks so much both of you. IT feels really good to be validated.
It's so hard to know in retrospect if we were ourselves before surgery or if we were just trying to be who we thought everyone wanted us to be so others would accept us.
I think of myself as Katie concentrated now, as if weight loss reduced me to who I really am. I am putting myself first for the first time ever, and I have developed very sharp likes and dislikes (or maybe I always had them and never was honest with myself). I am no longer willing to spend any time doing things I dislike solely to please others. For example, my husband is a gearhead and loves cars. I used to be interested but now I could not care less. Before surgery, I would have taken some part but now I am willing to say straight out I am not interested and would rather do other things with my time.
It is as if I spent years putting my life on hold and just barely surviving as an SMO person that now I have to get the maximum out of life. I have no trouble now taking me time.
I guess I am rambling here, but I completely get where you are coming from.
I fight badgers with spoons.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Thank goodness I have the kind of husband who somewhat understands the new me. I too will not do anything that doesnt interest me anymore.
I used to be a couch potato. Now I can barely sit still to watch a 30 minute segment let alone a movie or hours of TIVO recorded programs. My husband is a couch potato and he misses our time together. Part of the reason I watched TV was because I was so exhausted from being fat, but honestly another reason I watched TV was because I wanted to please him. I wanted him to keep loving me even tho i was so fat. I didn't want to rock the boat and subconsciously I did not want the only man who loved me fat to leave me because I made waves. Wow that's deep.
I am so happy I have my husband. He was perfect for me fat and he is perfect for me not fat. Thanks God!