Growing Pains!!

 This here is one of the only places I feel comfortable talking about this..

But here goes!!!

I guess I must have lived a totally sheltered life because I did not realize how much weight plays a factor in things.

First of all!! I consider myself to be a very friendly person but Post-DS I think I am down to one friend left!! Owww!! That really hurts!!  The more the lbs I drop the more people are dropping like flies!!  Prior to the DS I worked out for 4 years trying to drop the weight so I was not the person who wanted to go out to eat. Occasionally I would, but I was just sick of the food being the activity rather than doing a real activity and then the food coming later.  Well that was my mantra!! However, post DS, not intially but now I really am not the one to go out to eat!!  Don't like it and would prefer not to.  If I go I will get a dessert or some soup. Something that I can actually tolerate. Or if I get a meal most of it is going home with me.  Also the food has to actually be real food! Not Mc food either!!

So all my friends who want to go out to eat are simply annoyed with me.  Others are simply taking the weight loss thing as a sign that I am just in their lives to just mentally screw them over!!  Half the time I am not thinking about it but they just keep bringing it up!!

In church I always was a gifted speaker.  If I presented the word for that day it was really good. However since the weight loss thing.  It is like I am TD Jakes or Benny Hinn or something!! They are always asking me speak! Which before that would have never happened!! And I am thinking what type of fake crap is that??? I just did not know weight affected everything.  Most recently one of my very best friends, who has recently gained 30lbs or so has become really annoyed because she is not invited to do things as much as I am and she really is trying much harder than I am.   The being much healthier and running around and enjoying life a little more I expected. This part about losing friends really hurts. Or maybe the realization that who I thought were my friends were maybe friends for the wrong reason.  Some people have come out and said straightforwardly that they could no longer be around me because I lost so much weight that the guys are not going to pay them anymore attention.  And I was thinking "They weren't before either!"

One guy who is into heavier women.  He was my friend for 10 plus years always treated me great. Took me out to a movie post DS, didn't call me, and deleted me from his facebook page!!

So everything is not coming up roses!! I have met some new people who seem really nice. So we will see. If any of you have had similar experiences. Please feel free to share so I won't feel like this is only happening to me. If you have any words of wisdom also I would appreciate it!! Thanks!!

I feel your pain in the friend department. I've lost most of my friends through loosing the weight. But I have made others, you will too. It hurts so much when you feel like they are you sisters and then suddenly they are strangers. I had a friend who had WLS over a year before I did and I was her cheering squad, always happy for her and excited to see her get new clothes. I supported her through her divorce and encouraged her in everything. Then came my turn. I had the DS and once I got to about her size she started being really snarky and telling my DH he "better get control of me because I was going to leave him for an old sugar daddy."  I got nasty coments on the scars I have from my tummy tuck and eventually she had me in tears about my body, the choice my DH and I made for me to be a stay at home mom, everything. I stopped talking to her last July. I still kind of miss her but, it's not worth the knock to my self esteem. I though about trying to talk to her but, she'll just deny it and blame someone else, like other times I tried to talk to her about it. I was in her wedding as her Matron of Honor. She did a lot of little things that when you took a step back and looked at them as a whole, were really her little way of making me less secure without being blatantly mean so others wouldn't notice and think her a bridezilla. Sorry if I went on and on, this is a very sensitive topic for me and still hurts to think about the energy and love I gave her, only to be abused in the long run.

Itis a different world out there for thin vs. fat people and as you loose weight, it is even more obvious. I hope you keep your head high and remember, the ones who are giving you problems are probably just so unhappy with where they are in life that it's impossible for them to truely be happy for another. OH yeah... to the guy who took you out and then unfriended you... F#(K him!! What a *****

I am sorry for your pain as well!!! Yes the guy is a *****!! I guess I did not realize it until you just said it. Thanks for that.  Why in the world would your friend tell you DH that?  That makes absolutely no sense at all!! Maybe all the time she was just jealous of your marriage. That is only thing that I can think of!!  People are soooo strange!!  I want all my friends to experience the life that I had even when I was overweight I had a lot of great things happen to me and for me. I was not expecting any of this.  I know the saying "Don't hate me because I am beautiful!!"  Maybe people do hate people who are beautiful and I was just too naiive to realize it. Or maybe people just hate themselves and we are just getting the residual effects!!  Thanks for sharing!!

Take care

Amanda

It's amazing how many people are threatened by change.  The people who've walked away from you... screw them.

I came up with a saying about those types, they live by the mantra: Don't be any worse than us, but for god sakes, don't  be any better either.

Because you lost weight, you've broken their golden rule - you've exceeded them in some way in THEIR mind, and therefore, you've betrayed them somehow.

Make new friends, there's lots of folks out there who aren't shallow morons.
Cheers :)

Except more like "losing pains" right?  haha

1.  The eating out thing...I don't get your complaint, really.  You said you didn't like to do it before, don't like to do it now.  Nothing really changed there so I don't see how this factors in.  I will say, though, that doing social things and being there for your friends is not always about what YOU want to do.  I don't really drink, but if my friends want to chat and let loose, they want to go to happy hour.  I order a diet coke and they can have their margaritas.  It might not have been my first choice, but it really isn't about the food, or the alcohol.  It's about the company, so just go and enjoy what you went there for and come up with a different activity for next time...an activity that you enjoy.  Coffee, walk in the park, whatever.

2.  If one of your friends totally changed their appearance, you may keep bringing it up, too.  If it bothers you, ask them to talk about something else.  Eventually, I promise, they usually get over it.  They'll get used to seeing you this way and shut up.  There is an adjustment period, but if they are otherwise a good friend, try to stick with them through the changes.

3.  Appreciate the new opportunities you are experiencing in your church.  Your weight is not the ONLY thing that has changed, and I would probably think that you are perhaps experiencing a change in confidence or something as well that others are picking up on.

I think any time something changes friends and family fear that change. 

I had a major accident and was healing for 3 years and I lost many of my "good" friends. A few years back we all had to gather and they had no idea I had many surgeries and complications, some of them apologized and didn't realize that I had struggled for such a long time, they thought I had pulled away from them.  Maybe I did, but I was sick, in my eyes they abandoned me.   Now, I have surrounded myself with the best people, they are supportive of me and my decision to save my life.  We will see how the WLS changes any of these relationships.

They may have watched you go through it,  but they cannot know how much you are the same. I think they are scared, feel threatened, and they think that you have changed so much you are not the same person and do not feel like they know who they are talking too -making the whole situation awkward.  If you think you are loosing them because of the weight loss-- ask them, you may find out that you just grew apart.  It may be because of WLS but you will not know until you ask.

Ask the old "friends" what is up? Surely it will give you some perspective.  Don't sit and dwell about it, go ask, and then the truth will be out there, if it doesn't work out, then go find new people, who you enjoy being around & appreciate you.  Good luck with all of this. I have been there.
JJ

Change is hard for everyone, but the things that ambush you seemingly out of nowhere are the hardest. Thing is, maybe it's not as much out of nowhere as you might think. It might not be about the weight. It might be about other ways of growing apart that were already happening but it got pushed aside--from your side or theirs. You just kept on keeping on, KWIM?

Ah, the vagaries of church life. Don't get me started. The church to which I devoted 19 tithing, ministering, leading years of my life declared me backslidden and shunned me. I used to say it was the pastor who did it, but y'know, I thought I had friends there. A few are polite if I encounter them in the supermarket, but I am as dead to most of them.

With this discovery of foolish shallowness in your church, it might be time to reexamine what you want from your church and what your faith means to you. For me, it was time to acknowledge that I was no longer a Fundamentalist Pentecostal and quit trying to pretend otherwise. You probably know what happens when you broaden your mind a bit in those circles. OH THE DEMONS GOT HER!~!!!! *rolling eyes*  So my DH and I have had to forge a new faith path. It's hard, but rewarding.