Finally done with the self-sabotage

I am ten months out from my DS, but spent the last three months going through an emotional block. I got to my wedding weight, a weight I haven't seen in 13 years, and then mentally was unable to fathom going any further down. Worse than that, I was actually TERRIFIED to do so. So, I sabotaged myself. Badly.

I was continuing to go to my DS and WLS support groups and work through my issues with my therapist even while I knew I was keeping myself from losing more weight and getting healthy, and likely putting my health in jeopardy in the process. I have been lurking on here daily, watching as an outsider who just couldn't wrap my head around doing what I needed to do to be healthy. Let me tell you, at times reading your posts and seeing the hope and success there has been my lifeline. I thank you all for that.

Over the past few days I have finally reached a turning point, have resolved my issues, stopped the sabatoge, and resumed my healthy habits. I KNOW I am ready to move on with my weight loss and get my health in order, just as I knew before that I was not.

This is no excuse for not having taken care of myself, it is just my reality. I wanted to get this all out in the open to start fresh with my journey, as well as to let anyone else who is struggling know that they are not alone.

Pamela

Pam,
     I myself have been on the same path u have been on for the last 3-4 months. Eating whatever I wanted and suffering in the bathroom that night and the next day because I wanted that ice cream or whole family-sized chocolate bar. I got back on the wagon yesterday and am determined to eat right and start exercising from now on. Glad to hear that u r back on the wagon again too. Hang in there. We have went thru to much in the last year to get healthier to quit now! Best of Luck....Melissa :)

Melissa,

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.  Looks like we are following similar journeys, having started just a few weeks apart.  Best of luck in staying on the right track!

Pamela

it will happen sometimes but one good thng about the DS it lets you know when you are off track and won't let you feel right again until you get back with it. I have been going thru spurts of this myself at times especially if I have to go back and deal with my X husband and his problems which has been happening more lately. I need to focus back on myself and what I need and then I do better. Comfort food doesn't work anymore!

 Glad you're back on track.   Just curious though.....why would you be terrified to get to a lower weight?   

Julie, it took me a while to figure this out, but basically, I had developed a lot of expectations throughout my life of who I "should" be as a thin person, and how I would have to change who I am when I lost weight.  I expected that when I got thin, I would become a gym rat, become more disciplined in my work schedule, start a new business, etc., etc...all of the things that I had decided my weight was holding me back from doing in the past. 

I have worked very hard (through many years of therapy) to get to a point where I LOVE the person who I am now, and was very resistant to the idea of having to reinvent myself and become someone else when I lose weight.  Once I was able to identify that this was the issue, I was able to "unpackage" my expectations and allow myself to accept the idea that I don't have to change anything except lose weight and become healthy.  I can lose weight and keep the same expectations of myself and my life that I have now - I can still be ME at a healthy weight, I don't have to become a different person.

I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but me!  Obviously, a lot of this was going on in my subconscience, which is why it took me so long to put my finger on the problem so I could resolve it.  Now that I have, the fear is gone, and I am looking forward to losing more weight and becoming a healthier, thinner version of ME.

Pamela

 Expectations suck, don't they?   And we are such an expectation and goal-driven society these days!   It's nice that you are so self-aware that you were able to work through this, but don't discount (at least for others reading this) that it's sometimes just far simpler than that.  Not to negate your experience at all, but sometimes, there's no reason why we get off track.....that "bad stuff" tastes so good, carbs beget more carbs, and we just let our old habits creep back in, and that's okay too.   There doesn't need to be a reason for it at all.    Just time to forgive thyself and return to the fold.   I've been that way with exercise lately.    Normally, I walk miles and miles all summer long, and I've found one excuse after another not to.    I wouldn't call it self-sabotage, just getting off track.    As a matter of fact, I think I'll get my shoes on and walk right now, while I'm thinking about it, LOL.

Pamela,
You just said things I've been trying to say in my own life.  I just didn't know how to tell anyone. All I can say is THANK YOU!  I've found myself stuck for awhile & know it's mental, but didn't know exactly what it was.  

This is why I love OH!

Thank you for opening my eyes!

You're welcome!  I'm so glad my experience could help someone else.  That is what I love about OH and support groups as well.  Something positive can come out of even the negative experiences.

Best of luck to you in your journey!

Pamela

 (((Hugs))) to you Pamela.  I've been going through some similar issues.  I have really been turning to sugar.  Not anywhere near the horrid levels as before surgery but I am 'craving'  something sweet at night.  Having even a little sugar sit in my belly while I sleep is slowing, even stopping, my weight loss.  Sugar free stuff kills me worse than the real deal, so real sugar it's been (except for drinks, I still drink sugar free there)

Sometimes I also feel like I might be purposefully sabotaging myself because I am afraid I might get too skinny, then the next day I look in the mirror and feel fat. :(  I am also dealing with huge bouts of anxiety and stress that brings out the brownie, doughnut, cupcake and cookie monster.  Did I mention my 'never stops baking' MIL is living with us. *Sigh*

Screw you baked goods!!!