Update - (long)

so I guess some of you know that I had a pretty rough go of it my first week out. 

My surgery went well and I was doing so well in fact that they let me go home a day early. I went home Friday, had a lot of gas pain though, which the bumpy 1 hour ride home didn't help much. We only made one stop and that was at the pharmacy for drugs.

Saturday, I walked and walked and sipped and walked and sipped. Sunday I felt pretty good and hadn't even taken any drugs all day until the call came to go to the hospital with my mother. She was taken by ambulance late Sunday. I was already in bed but I got up and we went....

By the time I got there, she was hooked up to every machine they had. She had an IV drip, antibiotics, morphine, and whatever else they could hook her into. She was so uncomfortable, kept asking me to help her....Help me, help me, she kept saying...she just wanted to sit up since she had bed sores from being bed ridden for so long....I didn't care what the doctor's said about trying to keep her lying still at that point. When your mother begs you for help, you help her.

I pulled her to sitting and even though she weighed next to nothing at that point, it hurt. She was SOOO relieved!!!! So this went on for the next 6 hours or so....me standing by her bed, helping her sit up every so often, then helping her lie back down when she would get tired. She kept looking for re-assurance. "OK??" she would ask...with no specifics, just...am I OK?? She was terrified to go to sleep and would startle herself awake. That's when I knew it was close to the end....it was the same when my grandmother had been in the hospital. That panic and fear of falling asleep.

They finally moved her to a room in the ICU and gave her a pretty hefty dose of morphine and she fell asleep. Right before she lost consciousness, I kissed her and told her I loved her and said I would be back in the morning. She said, "OK. I love you too"

By this point, I had been on my feet for over 6 hours, leaning over her bed to hold her hand and pulling her to sitting on and off, only 2 days out of surgery. I was in tears when I left, partially because of my mother and partially because I was in so much pain.

I had turned my phone off in the hospital, obviously, and went home, took some drugs and went to bed. By the time I got up the next morning and checked my phone, I had several messages and voice mails....they had called us back in around 6am.

I missed the call.

By the time I got the messages, she was already gone.

I wasn't there when she needed me the most and I will never ever, be rid of that guilt for as long as I live.

They told me she was in a coma by the time they (my father and brother) got there in the morning and that she wasn't talking. They tried to tell me that it was better because I saw her last when she was lucid and to remember her like that.
But the pain of knowing that the last thing I ever did for my mother was to disappoint her, is nearly unbearable.

She was my best friend in the world and I will miss her every day of the rest of my life.

All I can do now is do the best I can and hope she can see that, and be proud of me and know that I am getting healthy so that I don't end up in the same way someday.

This past weekend was the wake and funeral. Again, I was on my feet for hours at a time. Everyone who came through the line told me that I looked just like my mother. I took heart in that, but also a bit of fear knowing that she had been obese all her life; at least until the cancer took hold.

A friend of mine sent this to me. Even though some of the priest's words held some comfort, this has been the first thing that really gave me any sort of relief:

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
- kahlil gibran

Sorry to hear about your mom.  I've lost mine also I know all the feelings that you must be feeling.  Just remember that she would want you to succeed and is watching you during this journey and is cheering you on.

My deepest sympathy Jennifer.  I'm sending you a big hug.

I hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that your Mom is now free of pain. 
I know you feel guilt about not being there when she passed, but you were there when she needed you.  Two days out of surgury, and you did everything you could to help ease her pain by helping her move a bit.

I'm sure she's looking down from heaven at you, watching as you go through your journey.  And she'll be smiling at how well you'll be doing.  And she will be with you each milestone that you reach.

Now it's time to take care of yourself.  Just remember with everything, healing physically, emotionally and spiritually, just take it one step at a time, and you will get there.

Cathy

 Sirene I am so sorry for your loss.  As I read your post it made me sad to think that you feel you did nothing. You helped her when she needed it. You were by her side when she needed you. Threw  your own pain you were with your mother.  I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug and let you know that your mother is proud.

Don't be hard on yourself that you forgot to turn your phone back on. It didn't get turned on for a reason. She knew you loved her. From the sounds of it they had her drugged up so she would not have known any different. It does not make it easier to swallow but it should comfort you  with the fact that you were the last person she spoke to. 

Jennifer, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your mom.  My deepest sympathies to you and to your family during this very difficult time.  HUGE hugs. xo

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother, your best friend.  I know its human nature to feel guilty but in reality, you where there when she needed you.  You made her last waking moments more comfortable for her when the doctor and nurses would not sit her up like she wanted.  You were there to hold her hand, to tell her you loved her.  Stay strong.  I also lost my Mom (my best friend) to cancer.  Its not a very nice ending.  I am sure you didn't disappoint her at all and she is now your angel looking down on you thinking how proud she is of you.

Don't forget during this hard time to take care of yourself. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone can say will help you not feel guilty. My mom passed away at home 5 years ago. She was almost right beside me, I didn't realize she was struggling for her last breath. I didn't do anything. I didn't know. I try not to feel guilty about it. I have the firm belief that God called her home and there was nothing I could do to prevent that.

Big hugs to you & your family.

 Oh my dear. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. And I'm sorry for the guilt you're feeling. I don't know much about having someone close to you die. I'm sure your mother is trying to comfort you out of your guilt right now... because once she passed away, she became glorious. She probably would rather you think about her when she was at her best, when she was helping you and living life with you, rather than when she was reduced to child-like dependence as her body failed. 

Of course you know that you need to be taking care of yourself now. I hope you're able to channel all of this emotional energy toward your recovery and your transformation. She'll want to see you truly alive in a way you haven't been for years. 

Much love and prayer to you and your mother in heaven.

My deepest sympathy to you and your family in these difficult times. I also lost my dad 6 years ago in a accidental death and had alot of trouble accepting that I was not able to tell him how much I love him before he passed. Just remember that you were able to help her when she needed you the night before she passed and you were able to tell her that you loved her.
I hope you can put yourself at ease knowing she is at peace now.

Oh sweetie, your post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry that you feel guilty. I agree with the other posters that you did NOT let your mom down!! You were there for her and I can't imagine for a moment that your mom would want you to feel you have let her down. Would you want her to feel like that if it were reversed? She knows that you loved her whole souled. And she wanted you to know that she loves you too.
And you are right, take care of yourself, she would want you to be healthy and happy.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.