Just starting to date after PS, anyone?

I've had various post-WLS plastic surgeries -- enough to look like road map. I'm happy with the results and so now I'm ready to tackle the next big thing -- getting back into the dating world. While I will be taking things slow, I'm wondering what will happen when a relationship is headed toward intimacy -- how/when to tell him and what his reaction will be. Anyone care to share experiences/tips? Are men usually OK with this -- or horrified? (And is the previous weight history is an issue, even though most of the evidence is gone.) Thanks so much .

Hi Kathy,
I can only tell you from my experience, I have had multiple reconstructive surgeries and I too look like a road map with horrible keloids on my arms from my bilateral brachioplasty.  I have yet to tell any man that I have dated about my surgeries, simply because I am chicken.  I have been intimate with men but in the dark or in situations where I knew the question would not arise.   I tend to sabotage things before they get to the point where I have to tell them!  I wish I had the courage to just put it out there, and I am a mental health professional which makes you think I should be OK with it.  But, I just haven't gotten to that point yet, I will be very interested in the responses you get!  All the best in the dating world and congratulations on your success!!

IF THEY CANT ACCEPT IT THEY ARE NOT WORTH HAVING,

 Well I've had some interesting experience in this regard.   I met a man who lives 800 miles away - (georgia boy  - pics in my profile) and I had an LBL 8 weeks before he was due to visit me for the first time - all I kept asking the doctor was - are my seams going to be healed sufficiently and will I"ll be able to do 'everything' I want - and he assured me yes.     I was able to.......but the suture lines were prominent......I had of course told Matthew about the procedure and if it bothered him he never said anything - in fact during the lovely backrubs etc. he would very tenderly put lotion on the suture lines.....he has scars himself from surgeries - and frankly - at our age (late 40s) expecting perfection isn't in the cards.      Fastforward to today - since that time I've had two more procedures - brachioplasty/boobs 5 weeks ago - and a medial thigh lift - two weeks ago.    I have a date tonight (another man) - the long distance thing is a struggle and I've decided to see other people in order to deal with the sadness and clinginess I feel - Matthew and I are not in a position to make any major moves right now - and I spend far too many nights in tears over the situation.  So friends introduced me to a lovely man - he's been traveling so it's been only emails etc. (he did get to see my profile online (match)....and he does not know my WLS or plastics history.  He's going to hear about it all tonight.....he's a marvelous cook and loves to make elaborate meals (I will so not be able to eat most of what he prepares!!!).....so it will be interesting.....in any event...I still have drains in!!!!  I worked hard last night figuring out an outfit that would be attractive without the drains being an issue......there will be no intimacy for quite some time - if ever - because frankly I'm in love with Matthew - but if we ever get there I'll have to accept what is.   I look like I was never overweight - if anything I'm a little too thin and if I don't eat much I'm afraid the assumption will be I have an eating disorder.   My WLS history etc. is such an elemental part of my life I don't think it's possible to 'deceive' anybody - and while in clothes I look like a skinny ***** - naked there is lots of evidence that I went through a lot to repair the damage I'd done to my body.      I look at it this way - I had an enormous problem - I was very ill - I took major steps and have worked very hard to fix things......it took a great deal of strength and discipline.......if that in and of itself isn't something that attracts someone to me - they are not the right person.   I would say that the best strategy is to take your tiime - if you are naked with someone you know - who knows you and has learned about you - then being 'horrified' is not going to be an issue.   If you enter into a physical relationship with someone you have no trust etc. with - the outcome is completely unpredictable........Susan

It will come!!  When you find the right person the scars won't matter.   There have been times I have told people and not told people.  Honestly, it doesn't really matter to me either they will accept me or they won't.    I have so many scars from surgeries and stretch marks that I would kill myself with worry if I gave it a second thought. 

I was dating a much younger man and when I decided to become intimate I told him about the scars and stretch marks and I was shocked when he came back and said that is what makes you real.  I was like Hell Yeah!!  He opened my world and made me feel beautiful.  It was odd because I was so intimidated by him because he was perfect.  He broke my shell but I guess my fear of the age difference broke the relationship.

Good Luck!!

Thank you so much everyone for your moving replies. Emotionally I am in a much different place than I was years ago, a better sense of self and what I deserve. So ultimately I feel fine about revealing this to the right person. The WLS was for my phys. health -- My PS is about 25% for phys. and 75% for mental health. I do feel liberated with the excess fat and extra skin gone, so am looking forward to an intimate relationship... eventually. I was curious about people's responses because, unless the guy is some  narcissistic playboy, I fully expect there to be a lot of tolerance. Thanks again for posting.

This is almost the Number 1 topic that comes up in support group - either from the new WLS grads or the long term folks who are Post Plastics like us.  And everyone has different answers on this one.

Here's how I handle it.  My brachioplasty scars are slightly visible when wearing short sleeves or sleeveless clothing (they have faded really well).  If a man comments on them, I'l tell him straight out that I had plastic surgery to remove excess hanging skin.  I never worry about this stuff when the relationship moves to intimacy because if I can't relax enough with this man before intimacy, the sex isn't going to work out anyway.  When asked about my LBL scar, I say I had a "mommy makeover" and that's it.  If they ask my age, I'm honest.  I don't advertise my prior surgeries but I don't lie when asked either.  I figure if this man is looking for physical perfection then he's a weasel and I don't want him.  I realize the importance of looking the best you can (like that old Army slogan "Be all that you can be") but I figure if he can't find other things to like about me then he's just a shallow a$$.  And lets face it, men don't particularly have a long shelf life so it really hypocritical on their part.  The problem in our society is that many guys who have experienced modest success in life feel  like they're Donald Trump and they deserve a super model.  There's no way any of us can compete on that level so it's not worth the frustration.  

All that said, it's important to have your head in the right place when dating.  We've all gone through food addiction issues and major lifestyle changes.  Sometimes girls in my group feel that men leave them because of their WLS past but clearly there are other issues as well.  It's important to have a healthy psyche, get beyond your addictions and negative self image, low self esteem stuff before you launch yourself on the dating scene.  These things have to be healthy before you can have a successful relationship.

I have dated a lot the past six months and I have told each one as it came up.  I have not found it to be a problem or had anyone freak out or had anyone not want to see me again because of it.  At this point I don't see it as relevant as i did before.  Sometimes I even forget.  I have changed my lifestyle, I exercise a lot and I make healthy choices.  I just recently had a lbl and have told many of my past and current guy friends.  Everyone has been super supportive!  I believe it is your outlook and attitude that make the difference.