At a complete loss. Here's my situation.
I must admit. I haven't been on the board for years. Life threw me for a loop after my 2008 DS. And it seems to still be twisting me around.
My epiphany took place right before the pandemic. A gastric surgeon took a look at my pouch with a barium swallow. I was expecting pure hell. That I had stretched it and was in need of surgery or a band, which he recommended. When I looked at the screen, I realized it was still this tiny, little pouch. And the problem wasn't the surgery, it was ME!
I've been given a tool that took me from 450+ to my present-day 160. I realized at that moment, that I had to step up my game. The ball was in my court and I couldn't blame surgery failure. So I put on my big girl panties and signed up for a workout program at the YMCA. And began to powerwalk. I was 200lbs when I started to take control. I got down to 180 when the pandemic hit. I maintained the loss through the lockdown. Presently, I walk and need to get back to strength training again. I'm using the excuse of not having a car to get there and I recognize what I am doing. I'm holding myself accountable.
I look at my body in the mirror and realize that over 10 years out I need plastic surgery and will never be able to afford it. I've lost my breasts. I need a tummy tuck and lipo on my behind. As well as my thighs and whatever the accumulation of fat on my vaginal area is called. (I didn't know your body could do this!)
I have a doctor in mind. But, would need my family to take out a loan to help me. Not going to happen.
In the present situation, with my desire to lose 20lbs and get rid of the remaining fat deposits on my body. Leave me depressed and feeling helpless. All those wasted years. I can't dwell on the past, it gets me nowhere but deeper into depression.
I'm at a loss. I'm trying to accept the naked body in the mirror. But I hate my image, more than myself. No one is going to want me. I'm afraid of intimacy for this reason.
I'm waaaaay past insurance coverage. I have no rashes. The weight does make me feel unbalanced, especially the hump of fat on my behind.
Any information or ideas are welcome. I'm feeling so lost and so helpless at this moment.
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Roulette,
I lost from 319 to 84 lbs and I was absolutely disgusted everytime I looked in the mirror. I kept thinking if I lose a little more, I'll feel better about myself but what I was seeing was skin (that needed plastic surgery) and what I was going through was body dysmorphia. You may think you look terrible but it's not bad. I do believe as bariatric patients in order for us to complete this journey we need to fini**** including making our bodies look normal again. As I was underweight I was almost put on a feeding tube but I started eating again. And gained weight, more than I wanted, so I've got about 40 lbs to my goal weight but my Dr. wants to go ahead and start with the panniculectomy and abdominalplasty. Plus some breast skin removal. But I have had a lot of rashes and have a hernia. I think that the bariatric community as a "whole" should bring light to having body dysmorphia, how it affects our mental well being, why is skin removal considered cosmetic surgery. There are always going to be people out there debating that but we qualified for a medical weight loss surgery which was successful-now we need to fix what is left behind.
My suggestion to you is to call your bariatric surgeon and see if they have a counsellor you can talk to and tell the why. Some times they can code things in ways to help you get the surgery you need. It may not be all of it but if it's the biggest parts it's worth it. And the counsellor can provide back up how this is affecting you mentally. My surgeons office has lawyers that are there specifically for fighting with insurance companies over this stuff.
Good luck. Look at how far you've come. You worked for it. You are beautiful no matter what. You have to love the person inside before you can except the person outside. Sending prayers for you.
Kat
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