The trade-off...

Cleopatra_Nik
on 4/2/11 3:15 am - Baltimore, MD
I've been reading quite a few posts from newbies who are down and out. In response to those posts, folks here give GREAT encouragement about their experiences and I try to be one of those.

But I was thinking hard about my frame of mind when I was IN that food mourning, when I felt lost, when I didn't know what i was doing or how I was supposed to be doing it. What did I do? How did I cope? Who did I turn to?

In reality, I felt most attracted to the posts of Jupiter6 (Shari) during those times. Why? Because she was honest to a fault about her experience. It wasn't a pleasure trip. It wasn't all "yay! Look at me! I'm getting skinny!" She talked about the good, the bad and the ugly. She ADMITTED to missing the foods that make most of us cringe from the thought. Hell, every once in a while she'd go on one of her now-famed "food vacations" and EAT some of those foods. And then when the vacay was over, she'd get back on plan, deal with the fall out and move forward.

I tell you this because, to me, Shari represents something very important in this WLS world (and if she stops through some time I'll tell her this).

This crap is hard. And sometimes it REALLY sucks. And (if you have adult filter on this will get blinked out) that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels?" for some of us that is bull**** For some of us there are PLENTY of things that taste as good as thin feels because we don't know what the hell thin feels like. Even when we get thin. But the pleasure of our favorite foods is concrete. We KNOW that. It makes sense to us. This "eating until satisfied" and "not eating emotionally" and all that other stuff? That is strange.

Dont think I'm telling you this to discourage you. Just to recognize that this is a hard process and while the results are definite and very encouraging, sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes, despite the gratitude you feel for your weight loss...you just want a damn donut.

To all those out there who, like me, sometimes feel that way I have this to say. Hang in there. Perhaps one day we'll figure out "the secret" to this mysterious thing called balance. In the meantime I'm kinda having fun being a loon with the rest of you. :)

RNY Gastric Bypass 1-8-08 350/327/200 (HW/SW/CW). I spend most of my time playing with my food over at Bariatric Foodie - check me out!

(deactivated member)
on 4/2/11 3:45 am - Laurel Hill, FL
Well said!! My thoughts exactly!
allvalerie
on 4/2/11 3:46 am - Seward, AK
Well said!
Gabriel B.
on 4/2/11 3:51 am - Silver Spring, MD
Where is the "like" button when you need it?? Lol
 gb23_2004    
Lori P.
on 4/2/11 3:59 am - Kenosha, WI
You are so right!

Someone asked me just yesterday what I miss the most and if I ever get sad or feel like I should have not done this....I said that I am SOOOO glad to be healthy....being thin is a nice bonus.  BUT...I do miss strawberry twizzllers...dark chocolate...and a bunch of other things that can neve be my friends again because I dump like a freakin expert.  And sometimes I am a bit sad about it.

 



     SW 212 / Goal 130 / Current 130


 

 

Koko M.
on 4/2/11 5:52 am - Albany, CA
Exactly.
They are like dysfunctional friends. Once you cut them off, you miss them, but not what they bring into your life.

 Koko   

HW-291 :: 1st WLS consult-281 :: Surgery-263 ::  GW-154 :: CW-151 :: In my dreams - 138

                    

Koko M.
on 4/2/11 4:09 am - Albany, CA
I posted somewhere that my post-WLS life thus far has been an impossible contradiction of  liberating and desolate. The best comparison I've been able to come up with is that of a hard-core alcoholic who suddenly and completely loses the ability to become intoxicated. S/he will never, ever be able to get drunk again, regardless of how much alcohol s/he drinks.  Life is now sober.  S/he can still drink, but the relieving numbness brought by alcohol is permanently gone. 
So, how long would this person keep hitting the bar every night, like a lab rat hitting the lever that no longer produces a food pellet?
Oh, you know, a while....

And then, on the "Living with WLS" end, on one hand I'm relieved, because I'm no longer a slave to that lever, I've given up on getting my relief from my "booze", whatever, pick your own analogy. On the other? It's gone, and I will never have that easy fix again.

Pre-WLS, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and a couple of good episodes of the First 48 was a lock. It would be good, without fail. Guaranteed sensory fulfillment, emotional escape, it was a perfect mini-vacation, on demand, anytime.  I don't really have anything in my life that gives me that now. I have yet to come up with that kind of guaranteed solace. I'm not proud to admit that I know that B&J don't live here anymore, because I tried (more than once) since my surgery, and got nothing but bland disappointment and violent nausea/dumping as an answer. Nothing really is effective emotional insulation. LOL - I can't even develop a new alcohol dependence, cuz booze makes me feel sick after more than a glass.

So I feel kind of raw now, especially when I'm stressed. Kind of naked, if you know what I mean. But yes, I do  feel relieved at the same time. Because every pint of B&J, or 6" high plate of pasta, or tub of cookie dough would be like me putting another brick in my own prison wall, and I knew it even as I was putting the spoon in my mouth. 
This is better, even when it doesn't always feel comfortable.

I can't decide if I'm disappointed or thankful that the food vacation thing is apparently not an option for me. I miss "food joy" soooo much sometimes, but if I still could feel that good about eating, I don't think the surgery would be able to stop me. It's weird and contradictory, but I miss food joy and also sincerely hope that it never comes back.


 Koko   

HW-291 :: 1st WLS consult-281 :: Surgery-263 ::  GW-154 :: CW-151 :: In my dreams - 138

                    

AliSarah
on 4/2/11 5:53 am
I need an F'n Amazing button for this!! 

Huggles!!
~Sarah~
 HW 316/ SW 264/ CW 187/ GW 158  
seattledeb
on 4/2/11 10:46 am
I use to go on similiar vacations. Oh the fun ben and jerry and I had.

    

nfarris79
on 4/2/11 5:37 am - Germantown, MD
 Nik, LOOOOOVE your post and I appreciate the wisdom!!

First ultra: Stone Mill 50 miler 11/15/14 13:44:38, First Full Marathon: Marine Corps 10/27/13 4:57:11Half Marathon PR 2:04:43 at Shamrock VA Beach Half-Marathon, 12/2/12 First Half-Marathon 2:32:47, 5K PR  Run Under the Lights 5K 27:23 on 11/23/13, 10K PR 52:53 Pike's Peek 10K 4/21/13(1st timed run) Accumen 8K 51:09 10/14/12.

     
 

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