Regarding Food Addiction

It doesn't stop. Don't think it will, because it won't. Just like alcoholics, once you learn how to *use* food to fix what ails you, it more or less has you for life. RNY will not change that.

I used food as a sedative, and I still do. I have a very twitchy and agitated brain. In The Olde Dayz, I used to consume massive meals that went on all night, and then go to bed. While it helped me to relax, it also made any other activity (watching a film, doing a load of laundry)impossible because I literally could not move. You can see how this cycle quickly gets you to 370 pounds. Well, not that quickly: took 37 years.

What's a massive meal? 20 nuggets, fries with mayo, a quarter pounder with cheese and a large shake. And a pint of Ben and Jerry's. And a bag of Chex Mix. That was dinner, many nights.

After my RNY, I decided to try to desensitize myself by watching The Food Network 24-7. I wasn't a foodee-- I ate utter crap. But instead of becoming desensitized, I became fascinated with food science. I learned to substitute healthy ingredients, and now cook all meals from scratch off the top of my head. It's a creative exploit and keeps me close to my beloved fetish objects.

But the addiction still lives on:

1) I stockpile calories and eat more than half of my intake within an hour of bed. Not a great idea.

2) I wander in grocery stores just to look at food. I often plan to visit stores I know have samples just to have some..

3) If I am in a store and there's a bag of something open or torn, I will take a piece. Gross, but true.

4) When I do cafeteria duty, I often steal a tater tot or pickle or chicken nugget from a tray before throwing it away. It makes me angry but I haven't stopped.

5) In the lunchroom, I physically move cakes and cookies to other tables so they don't "look at me", but in the past few months I have been allowing myself a literal "bite" here and there, and while it doesn't seem to be harming me, the lack of control annoys me.

6) I like buffets because I can get a bite of everything, but most the calories are in my desserts anyway.

7) If I see a Skittle on the floor I have to struggle not to eat it. This is gross.

8)I look forward to the food on holiday more than anything else. I like it more than any other activity, any person alive, and any other thing I know. It makes me happy.

How I manage my addiction:

1) I plan everything, even the vacations from planning. (Anal retentive enough?) This means I don't eat emotionally, as in, "I am sad, where's the cake?" Cake happens at CAKE time, not SAD time. These vacations are pre-planned around holidays-- there's about 6 a year.

2) I eat a lot in the evenings. Gives me "something to look forward to."

3) I chew sugarless gum, and drink an ungodly amount of coffee.

4) I try to stay physically busy even when I can't work out.

5) I work out -- cardio 3x a week minimum, 2 long walks, assorted weights, I burn between 2200-3200 calories every day without fail.

6) I have long, lost weekends where I catch up on my cravings.

7) I don't keep crap in the house.

8) I learned to cook almost anything I want really healthfully. I make cookies, baked oatmeal, muffins, cheesecakes, puddings, casseroles-- all super high in protein and fiber, low fat, low-cal.

9) I weigh every single day. It's actually the best option- it helps you see all the little fluctuations are meaningless in the long term and pounds can't sneak up on you. I record my weights, and aso whether or not I exercised, and what time of month it is. Helps to understand the cycles and fluctuations better.

10) When I am tempted to eat, I wander in stores instead, like Marshall's. I try stuff on, and just visually graze. Ditto for thrift shops and yard sales.

11) I rarely get home before 9:30. Dinner's after 10- a reward for finishing my day.

This is how I manage this mess. Friday nights are still hell-- that was my old cheesesteak and wings single-gal orgy and I miss it horribly. On Fridays I walk the mall until it closes.

Sound lonely? A little sad? It is. Nothing has replaced my food addiction. I am still white knuckling this journey-- every step, every day. It is not and never was easy.

If you knew you were dying of some terminal illness-- what would you want to do....see France? Spain? Fly a plane? I'd shoot out and buy a case of peanut butter and a big freaking spoon. That is me, that is my life. I accept it now, I understand it. And I don't berate myself for it-- I just manage it daily as best I can.

Here's hoping your own journey is smoother and more comfortable. And if it isn't, know that you are not alone. Many people feel this way, few would admit it to themselves, fewer still in a public forum, probably--- but Mama would tell ya I ain't never had a lick of sense, no how. ;)

Thank you so much for your honesty, and while our stories are not exactly the same, I very much relate to the feelings and behaviors.  I am finally at the stage of my journey where I am going to do something about relationship with food thorugh WLS, but I do vacilate between the impractical thought that this will be my "cure," and the fear of facing my food issues and the ultimate fear of sucumbing forever to my food addiction.  I am so glad to know that someone has let go of the judgement around food and found acceptance.  I want to be there one day!!  

Thank you again ... you seem like someone I would want on my side  ...

Thank you for posting this.  I can so relate to the food addiction.  For about a year after surgery, I felt like I was in such control.  Honestly, I thought I was cured of the addiction.  I didn't know I dumped until I was a year out, because I didn't even want to try sugar.  But for the last few months, I've had a couple of moments where I realized that the addiction is (and will always be) there. 

If anyone watches Dexter on showtime, and how he refers to his "dark passenger", I feel like I have a "fat passenger" wanting me to overeat and choose the wrong foods.  I still make healthy choices day to day, and I don't want to go down the road I was on before surgery.  I'm going to start attending OA in getting help before I let the addiction control my life again.

I appreciate you posting this. It does help to know that others still have that addiction lurking inside.

I admit I am a food addict, but we are such opposites.

I do know this could change at any time, but for the last 2 yrs, I have no interest in food.  Sweets and fats make me dump.  I can't eat much in evening - I get more nauseated as the day goes on.  I'm happy to eat the same foods every day and don't really want to eat out.  I'm fine not eating sweets (white sugar or protein homemade ones).

I don't know if this will last, but I could easily just have protein drinks or protein powder in greek yogurt, fresh veggies and fruit - nothing else - just those.

What's happened?  I keep thinking my body will "come out" of this stupor and want fats and sweets and junk and fast food - but hope not.

I'm wanting raw and healthy food and I'm feeling great.  Lady Lithia and I seem to have similiar results from our RNY.

I would find it very difficult to have to manage all that you do.  It is so simple for me.  I'm counting my blessings and enjoying it day by day.

Don't misunderstand-- I eat healthfully probably 98% of the time--- just vent a couple times a year. I love my healthy food, and the brief respites from it always make me come back with greater resolve to eat well. It's part of why I do it-- I know, kinda counterintuitive, but crappy eating reminds me how much better I gfeel when I don't. Did I mention I am a junkie? ;)

I don't dump in any way nor feel any meaningful restriction, so I have to live very differently at times from you and Lith. Same Monkey, different shape. But I'd prefer to be in in my shoes, loving the variety of it all. It's just a little harder work, maybe. "All or nothing" thinking is easier for me, managment is hard. This forces me to work hard and not rely on the mechanics of it all, because they are useless for me.

I never ever wanted to dump. I wanted to continue to have the freedom to enjoy the foods that were so friendly to me pre-op.... but other than my cake (and coooookies) .... I don't miss it.

I think that overall I am lucky with my version of disordered eating. (or was, until it's latest incarnation) because food just never really did much for me. For a while though, this led me down a dangerous pathway of starvation and near anoerexia. But I worry that the pendulum will swing too far in the other direction and know I'm eating too much food now to compensate for eating too little for the last year.

I console myself with hte knowlege that my latest food-binge-behavior is to have greek yoghurt and berries. two servings a day some days.

What bugs me is how little the food demon has changed.... it's exactly the same food demon as it ever was, I just am more clearly familiar with it now. It's like it was there behind me sabotaging me before, and now, Now I know its name, and could pick it out of a lineup, and I know *most* of its methods of trying to derail me. It does not seem as though it can be banished...... just recognized and some of its power eliminated.

I drink more coffee now than I ever have in my life.
I there are cheetos..I will eat them.
I go to food sites and look at pictures.
I wonder through grocery stores looking for something new.
I go to the produce market to buy what's fresh and best. I don't care how much it costs.
I eat about every 3 hours so I don't crash with RA.
I find a way to move everyday. Even when I'm doing regular walking I try and walk faster, move more purposefully.
I wouldn't take the tator tots off the tray but I would beg my son to order them so I could take one first.

Deb T>

Thank you for sharing this Shari. Reading stuff like this helps me, and those who don't struggle with an addiction, understand better what our sisters-in-surgery face each day. 

At 3 1/2 weeks post-op, I don't know where I am on the spectrum.  But, pre-surgery, I can identify with MOST of what you wrote.

Three days after surgery, I went out for a pedicure, and literally all I could think of was how good the food smelled!  I am having cravings for less sweet stuff now, and more meaty, but who knows how long that will last.

In any case, I don't know what else to say, except Thank You for posting this because I know it hits somewhere deep in my soul.  Only time will tell.

Have you ever attended OA? I just went to my first meeting last night.