relationship question

does anyone know the percentage of rny patients that end up in failed marriages or divorces after having the surgery?

I've never seen any actual statistics.  I've heard people say that divorce is fairly common after WLS but I'm not sure that's really true.  It seems to me that if your marriage is in bad shape before you have surgery, it might get worse after surgery.  Surgery will not fix a bad marriage.  But if your marriage is in good shape before surgery, I don't know why having surgery would be harmful to a relationship.  In fact, it seems to me that getting healthier would be good for a relationship.

I have to agree with you Kelly.

My marriage has not changed one bit.  It was great before surgery and it's still great.

However, I think there can be a couple of reasons why some relationships fail, and the first one that comes to mind is that when we are heavy, sometimes I think we choose the wrong partner because we feel our choices are limited as a result of the weight.  We settle for the wrong partner out of fear that there may not be anyone else who would want us.

Another reason that comes to mind is that losing weight and feeling more attractive can evoke some pretty heady emotions, especially if we've been heavy most our lives; consequently, i think that some of us just go a little crazy and end up doing irreparable damage to our relationships by giving into those sexually available temptations that we've never had before.   

The only statistics I ever saw (in a psychiatric journal, when I was doing research for a presentation at a state counseling conference a couple of years ago) indicated that the overall divorce rate in the US was just over 51%, and the rate among WLS post-ops (all surgeries) during the first 2 years post-op was only 2.5% higher.  So it IS higher than for the general population, but not exceedingly so.  I once read a question or post somewhere (not sure if it was here or not) about something/someone that said it was like 80%, which is pure nonsense!

Lora

I haven't seen any specific numbers, but my therapist has said the incidence of divorce after WLS is high.

What is she basing that statement on?

I am just really down. My spouse and I seem to fight so much more since my surgery. We go out and he doesnt sit near me.... more like across the room. He says he doesnt see the change. OMG I am eating like a mouse! I dont drink alcohol! And I am loosing so much in weight and inches. He rarely tells me how good I look. But my friends and coworkers sure say stuff to me about it. I am astonished how much I have changed mentally and physically in 3 short months.

All I want are small things. compliments, looks, fun together.... he refuses me at every shot I take. I am so tired of making an effort and him not even trying.

Things were never a bed of roses before the surgery. And now its so amplified. I am so tired of fighting and arguing with him. Its not that I do NOT love him.. I just cant LIVE with him. He's driving me crazy.

I work out daily. I have asked that he come with me and enjoy being at the lake where I am doing my walking and running. He refuses. I fix my own meals. He cooks for the rest of them. He doesnt even try to fix stuff so I cna enjoy with family. and when I cook he gets made because its all healthy. Im in a loosing battle.

And to answer all your unasked questions, no there isnt another person in my life. I think when I am done and its over with the one I have now I wont do it again.

As hard as it is, you have to move forward regarding your weight loss whether or not he ever says a word.  I've been married 37 years, and my weight has always been a HUGE issue with my husband.  Even when I was wearing a size 16 he was very displeased about it.  He grew up with a 4'10" mother who weighed well over 300 pounds, and it really scarred him as a child.  He developed a not so kind attitude above overweight and obese people.  As a result throughout the years, my dieting efforts were never good enough for him.  I lost 70 pounds in 1887, 2002, and 2004.  I'd lose/regain, los/regain....etc.  Each time he never complimented me the way I needed him to, never exercised with me, etc.  So in 2004 when I was a size 10 and it still was not good enough, I threw up my hands and said what's the use.  I ate myself to my highest weight and ended up needing WLS and ended up developing comorbid conditions.  When I started this journey I made up my mind I was doing this for ME.  It was all about ME.  I did this with no preconceived ideas about how he would or would not react.  Whether or not he even gve me one compliment or whether he considered the amount of weight I lost sufficienct, it did not/would not matter.  For the first time I my adult life I was losing the weight for myself.

Don't base you happiness/satisfaction about your WLS  on his response and reactions.  Your coworkers and you do not have the same relationship dynamics as you and your husband do.  That is why office affairs are so easy.  It is easy to have that "high" with the coworker because the relationship is not centered about the kids, the bills, againg parents, broken houses...... 

I hope you can find peace and equillibrium in your life; I know it's frustrating.  I would cpmsoder seeing a therapist.  She could help you work through some of this.  I've done that too....lots of times.

Not trying to be snotty,  I promise. But it sounds like YOU are doing things YOU want to do and eexpecting him to join you. Have you asked him what things he would like to do and offer tojoin him? And I am guessing you didn't have surgery to get compliments from your hubby right? If he wasn't full of them before, you having surgery/changing probably wouldn't change the way he does things.