Did I overreact to boyfriend's stupid drinking behavior?
(deactivated member)
on 3/4/12 9:03 am
on 3/4/12 9:03 am
On March 4, 2012 at 4:49 PM Pacific Time, LindaScrip wrote:
Actually its the 4 C's I cannot change, control, cause, cure sorry I just had to jump in here White Dove now my answer to the original poster is first you sound frustrated that YOU cannot drink and he drinks to release his crappy week which sorry I do not approve of drinking but that's my opinion and I am ENTITLED to it. The actual complaint I am seeing is his behavior changes and that happens when people do alcohol or drugs so its a combination of she can't drink and he does and turns into an unlikeable person so as Dear Abby questions and I will as well are you better off with him or without him ? If it were me I would have the answer but that's me. I think your choice of words are wrong when you say I don't love you when you are like this mine would be I don't appreciate your behavior I feel you are out of line and hey wait a second did I read that there should be "unconditional love"? somewhere here? Yeah OK I want to know *****ally believes love is unconditional? And Chris, Buddhism hey not anything to be offended by everyone has the right to their religion and beliefs . Also want to mention that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I also begin to wonder what effect this has on your child to see this? Just something to think about.
Mary Catherine
on 3/4/12 3:36 am
on 3/4/12 3:36 am
Detachment is when you realize that you are not responsible for his drinking and it is not going to make you mad or sad or mean. Another Al-Anon saying is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." You are not detaching from him, you are detaching from his alcohol induced behaviors.
He is a grown man and makes his own choices. Along with those choices he has to accept the consequences of what he does. If his drinking behavior is unacceptable, then he may have to accept the consequence of not being in your life anymore.
You set your boundaries. He is the only person who can control himself and his behavior. Whether it is once a month or once a year, if his drinking changes him into a person you no longer want in your life, then you have the choice to let him know that you mean what you say. I have seen alcoholics who have not touched a drop in years go into alcoholic behaviors without drinking. In Al-Anon we refer to them as dry drunks.
We detach from the behavior while sometimes still loving the person. Alcohol is fine for some people and just like a allergery for others. Some people can drink and it never affects them. Others can become another person with a few drinks. No one can control or judge another, but we can all decide what we will tolerate in our own lives.
He is a grown man and makes his own choices. Along with those choices he has to accept the consequences of what he does. If his drinking behavior is unacceptable, then he may have to accept the consequence of not being in your life anymore.
You set your boundaries. He is the only person who can control himself and his behavior. Whether it is once a month or once a year, if his drinking changes him into a person you no longer want in your life, then you have the choice to let him know that you mean what you say. I have seen alcoholics who have not touched a drop in years go into alcoholic behaviors without drinking. In Al-Anon we refer to them as dry drunks.
We detach from the behavior while sometimes still loving the person. Alcohol is fine for some people and just like a allergery for others. Some people can drink and it never affects them. Others can become another person with a few drinks. No one can control or judge another, but we can all decide what we will tolerate in our own lives.
(deactivated member)
on 3/4/12 3:48 am
on 3/4/12 3:48 am
Thanks for clarifying all that! It sounds interesting especially about dry drunk behavior. I'm wondering if you have ever heard how much a person has to drink to be considered an alcoholic. Is it the quantity? Frequency? Impact on relationships? Part of me thinks Brian doesn't drink that often so whats the big deal, but the thing is, when he does drink, he gets wasted (even if it's only on 4 drinks cuz he makes them strong for himself) and he just acts stupid and I lose respect for him. I used to drink with him before my surgery and I could manage myself and just enjoyed the drinks but he always joked with me about "keeping up with him" etc. I was never in a contest!
Mary Catherine
on 3/4/12 4:11 am
on 3/4/12 4:11 am
His behavior last night is a warning sign. The disease like any disease does not become full blown on the first day. Our society encourages drinking as a way to unwind. For me it gives me a sort of very relaxed and almost sleepy buzz for a while, but I don't get loud or mean. His reactions can be a sign that alcohol is not something that he can handle.
Many people think that they are not alcoholics because they hold a job or because they only drink socially. But drinking when upset and to where he is passing out is a sign that they cannot handle it. Here is a website with some more information. Don't hesitate to contact me with any questions.
I would never try to make a decision for you. I can provide a listening ear and understanding if needed.
http://helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_e ffects_treatment.htm
Many people think that they are not alcoholics because they hold a job or because they only drink socially. But drinking when upset and to where he is passing out is a sign that they cannot handle it. Here is a website with some more information. Don't hesitate to contact me with any questions.
I would never try to make a decision for you. I can provide a listening ear and understanding if needed.
http://helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_e ffects_treatment.htm
(deactivated member)
on 3/4/12 5:29 am
on 3/4/12 5:29 am
Thanks so much! I will check out the site and appreciate your support and kindness.
When I felt up to it, I talked to Brian today. I said we need to talk about last night. He said OK and i said I don't mind that you were drinking, don't get me wrong, but you were so obnoxious and annoying and you would not stop despite my saying so several times. He said he understood and agreed that he had too much to drink and that sometimes when he drinks he talks too much and says stupid things. I said I understand that and I forgive you but you must understand I walked away from my unborn baby's father because of the same kind of behavior. I will not be with you if this becomes a habit. He said it will not be a problem and he was sorry.
Now we'll see what happens. I hope this is the only time I have to post about this but I doubt it. Unfortunately it seems like since my surgery I am not willing to tolerate peoples' addictions because I recognize them in myself and am changing them and don't want to be in company with people who trigger addictions.
When I felt up to it, I talked to Brian today. I said we need to talk about last night. He said OK and i said I don't mind that you were drinking, don't get me wrong, but you were so obnoxious and annoying and you would not stop despite my saying so several times. He said he understood and agreed that he had too much to drink and that sometimes when he drinks he talks too much and says stupid things. I said I understand that and I forgive you but you must understand I walked away from my unborn baby's father because of the same kind of behavior. I will not be with you if this becomes a habit. He said it will not be a problem and he was sorry.
Now we'll see what happens. I hope this is the only time I have to post about this but I doubt it. Unfortunately it seems like since my surgery I am not willing to tolerate peoples' addictions because I recognize them in myself and am changing them and don't want to be in company with people who trigger addictions.
Good work!
Now to be observant about whether there is a pattern or not, but don't obsess about it. Keep your focus on you and what and how you are doing.
Neither he nor other people can trigger your addictions unless you let them. Alanon is great because it keeps the focus on you and your own behavior, and being responsible for that.
My suggestion would be to give him some room, and look to see what makes the relationship worthwhile for you. Strengthen that.
Now to be observant about whether there is a pattern or not, but don't obsess about it. Keep your focus on you and what and how you are doing.
Neither he nor other people can trigger your addictions unless you let them. Alanon is great because it keeps the focus on you and your own behavior, and being responsible for that.
My suggestion would be to give him some room, and look to see what makes the relationship worthwhile for you. Strengthen that.
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly." Richard Bach
"Support fosters your growth. If you are getting enough of the right support, you will experience a major transformation in yourself. You will discover a sense of empowerment and peace you have never before experienced. You will come to believe you can overcome your challenges and find some joy in this world." Katie Jay
Mary Catherine
on 3/4/12 4:28 am
on 3/4/12 4:28 am
Thank you Chris. It is something that I wish I never had to learn about, but we do not chose what life deals us. I wish that 45 years ago I knew that my now deceased husband was wrong when he told me that he did not have a drinking problem because he only drank beer. I wish I had seen all of the warning signs and had known enough to get out of that relationship.
Now in addition to grieving his death, I find myself grieving for all of the dreams that went unfulfilled because he chose to spend his time drinking instead of with his family. I use Al-Anon to work through that and I share my experiences in hopes that others can learn and be spared some of the hurt that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Now in addition to grieving his death, I find myself grieving for all of the dreams that went unfulfilled because he chose to spend his time drinking instead of with his family. I use Al-Anon to work through that and I share my experiences in hopes that others can learn and be spared some of the hurt that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
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