I told a lie and don't know how to fix it....
Told the Man, when I was first looking into all this, that I was thinking about lap band. He was dead set against it. He is a bit of a germaphobe, and hates hospitals. Believes the only reason you should ever let anyone cut into you is if it's a dire situation - life or death. He has the whole "easy way out" mentality. Anyway, when I made my decision, I never really told him that I changed my mind to RNY. We fought constantly over my decision to have surgery for, in his eyes, something that can be fixed with diligence and discipline. Our way of dealing with it was just plain not talking about it.
I'm now 5 weeks post op. He's come to accept that I did it (even without his blessing....OMG!!!) And is even being pretty cool about my diet and such - a big part of our lives was, of course, food and eating. We enjoyed cooking together, going out to eat, etc.
I just don't know how, or if, I should tell him that I don't have a band...I had full out bypass surgery.
I'm just afraid his head will explode.....and I absolutely DESPISE that I lied to him. I just didn't think he could handle the truth. (Oh great, I sound like Jack Nicholson!!!)
So, do I fess up? Or just keep things as is. Things are falling back into place and going smoothly.
(P.S. - I have to admit, I came thru the surgery with no problems, have no sickness, and feel great.)
I'm now 5 weeks post op. He's come to accept that I did it (even without his blessing....OMG!!!) And is even being pretty cool about my diet and such - a big part of our lives was, of course, food and eating. We enjoyed cooking together, going out to eat, etc.
I just don't know how, or if, I should tell him that I don't have a band...I had full out bypass surgery.
I'm just afraid his head will explode.....and I absolutely DESPISE that I lied to him. I just didn't think he could handle the truth. (Oh great, I sound like Jack Nicholson!!!)
So, do I fess up? Or just keep things as is. Things are falling back into place and going smoothly.
(P.S. - I have to admit, I came thru the surgery with no problems, have no sickness, and feel great.)
Cher 
Wow that is a tough one, but I could not live with a lie - but that is just me. Can you go on a live with this? It may eat you alive and the longer you go on with it the worse it will be.
Follow My Gastric Bypass Story
This is where I share it all - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
RNY: 01-23-2012 Weight day of Surgery - 286lbs ~ Weight as of 09-13-2013 164lbs
FleurDeLis
on 4/2/12 12:27 pm
on 4/2/12 12:27 pm
This is kind of big to keep a secret. What happens if you have to go to the ER and they depend on him for your history? Or if you have an accident? Or God forbid in a few weeks develop a stricture? Do you want him to hear it from your doctors, who will assume he knows the truth and will be blindsided by your deception?
Part of his problem, besides being afraid of hospitals, might be that he was afraid something might have happened to you.
Part of his problem, besides being afraid of hospitals, might be that he was afraid something might have happened to you.
Oh wow. That is a mess.
I guess I would tell him as soon as possible. It seems like there are many ways he could find out at some point and I'd rather tell him myself than have him find out some other way. I mean, what if he overhears someone ask you about your gastric bypass, or he says something about your band to someone that knows you had bypass and they correct him, or what if he asks why he can't feel the port under your skin, or asks when you're going for a fill? What if you get sick and he takes you to the ER and hears you telling the doctor there that you have RNY or what if he is telling the doctor there that you have the band and you have to correct him? What if there is an emergency and he calls 911 and you are not conscious and he tells the EMTs that you have the band?
I'm sure he will be upset when you tell him the truth. I would be furious if my partner had major surgery but lied to me about what kind of surgery.
I guess I would tell him as soon as possible. It seems like there are many ways he could find out at some point and I'd rather tell him myself than have him find out some other way. I mean, what if he overhears someone ask you about your gastric bypass, or he says something about your band to someone that knows you had bypass and they correct him, or what if he asks why he can't feel the port under your skin, or asks when you're going for a fill? What if you get sick and he takes you to the ER and hears you telling the doctor there that you have RNY or what if he is telling the doctor there that you have the band and you have to correct him? What if there is an emergency and he calls 911 and you are not conscious and he tells the EMTs that you have the band?
I'm sure he will be upset when you tell him the truth. I would be furious if my partner had major surgery but lied to me about what kind of surgery.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
The problem I'm seeing is that, somewhere down the line, someone is going to ask you about your surgery in front of him, and you'll be faced with two choices--telling the truth and exposing your lie to him, or lying to the person who's asking and creating a snowball situation.
My best idea is to tell your husband the truth, but to couch the truth in a way that might ease his nerves.
For instance, if you sit him down and tell him that you decided to go with RnY after all because you discovered that it was lower maintenance (fewer doctor's visits and hospital trips for fills and adjustments) and the risk of infection, erosion, and rejection are drastically lower (or nonexistant) with Bypass because there are no foreign materials in your body. It's more organic.
And then tell him you're very sorry you didn't tell him, but you knew he wasn't comfortable with the idea of ANY surgery, so you just wanted to keep your choice to yourself until it was over.
I think giving him reasons why RnY is safer, cleaner, and more effective might help keep him from assuming you chose the greater of the two evils, and might help him not...er, explode.
Good luck!
My best idea is to tell your husband the truth, but to couch the truth in a way that might ease his nerves.
For instance, if you sit him down and tell him that you decided to go with RnY after all because you discovered that it was lower maintenance (fewer doctor's visits and hospital trips for fills and adjustments) and the risk of infection, erosion, and rejection are drastically lower (or nonexistant) with Bypass because there are no foreign materials in your body. It's more organic.
And then tell him you're very sorry you didn't tell him, but you knew he wasn't comfortable with the idea of ANY surgery, so you just wanted to keep your choice to yourself until it was over.
I think giving him reasons why RnY is safer, cleaner, and more effective might help keep him from assuming you chose the greater of the two evils, and might help him not...er, explode.
Good luck!
_._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._. _._._._._.
Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
Check out my video blog! www.youtube.com/user/HappilyShrinking/videos
Highest weight: 269. Surgery weight: 233. Goal weight: 144, and then we'll see..
Okay the fib has been told... can't turn that back. I'm surprised no one at the hospital said anything to him when you woke up.
While I feel honesty is the best policy there is a way to be honest while taking the blame off of you for the change in surgeries however it won't negate the fact that you didn't tell him right away.. unless you tell him you remember telling him and it must of been a dream induced by the pain meds... but again the more lies you tell the harder they are to keep straight. My doctor has a "back up plan" we will put in place in case he goes in and the bypass can't be done for some reason. You could always say he had to go to the back up plan?
I think he needs to know if he is your next of kin and would be consulted at the hospital in an emergency situation.
Whatever you choose it's going to be hard and remember you may have to work off your tailfeathers earning his trust back.
Best of luck!
While I feel honesty is the best policy there is a way to be honest while taking the blame off of you for the change in surgeries however it won't negate the fact that you didn't tell him right away.. unless you tell him you remember telling him and it must of been a dream induced by the pain meds... but again the more lies you tell the harder they are to keep straight. My doctor has a "back up plan" we will put in place in case he goes in and the bypass can't be done for some reason. You could always say he had to go to the back up plan?
I think he needs to know if he is your next of kin and would be consulted at the hospital in an emergency situation.
Whatever you choose it's going to be hard and remember you may have to work off your tailfeathers earning his trust back.
Best of luck!
(deactivated member)
on 4/2/12 12:46 pm - AZ
on 4/2/12 12:46 pm - AZ
In case of an Emergency he should know. If something happened to you and he told the hospital there is a Lap band in you the doctors my treat you differently then if you had full out RNY. Then he will know anyway. And he needs to accept the truth from you and its ok to not be ok with it but he is your man and needs to support your decision either way.
oh man, this is a mess..
but seriously you should really consider telling him the truth, be honest you ONLY TOLD HIM ONE LIE???.. i bet now is more then one because you have had to cover a lie with an other lie and that lie with an otherone... the longer you wait the more lies you are going to have to tell him, and the more upset he is going to be .. if you wait three month he will say.." so for the last three months you have been lying to me".... and you have to consider that he might also be telling a lie without knowing.. if anyone asks him how you have been, he could be saying that you had the BAND and you put him in a position where he was lying without knowing and that might make him upset... in my opinion you really should tell him ASAP.. but only you know him and at the end your the one that knows best.. i wish you look and i truly hope he understands and not be so upset... god bless
but seriously you should really consider telling him the truth, be honest you ONLY TOLD HIM ONE LIE???.. i bet now is more then one because you have had to cover a lie with an other lie and that lie with an otherone... the longer you wait the more lies you are going to have to tell him, and the more upset he is going to be .. if you wait three month he will say.." so for the last three months you have been lying to me".... and you have to consider that he might also be telling a lie without knowing.. if anyone asks him how you have been, he could be saying that you had the BAND and you put him in a position where he was lying without knowing and that might make him upset... in my opinion you really should tell him ASAP.. but only you know him and at the end your the one that knows best.. i wish you look and i truly hope he understands and not be so upset... god bless
"Caterpillar in my cocoon, I'm gonna be a butterfly soon.
I'm a little butterfly, I can soar through the sky. So glad I ended up like this, Thanks to metamorphosis".
hw 286 pre op 276 sw 263 cw 214 13lbs lost pre-op slowly but surely!!
I'm a little butterfly, I can soar through the sky. So glad I ended up like this, Thanks to metamorphosis".
hw 286 pre op 276 sw 263 cw 214 13lbs lost pre-op slowly but surely!!
I don't know how to say this without coming across rude, and by all means that is not my intention....
But if you told him a lie this big and important, it could be indicative of a bigger issue on the whole. You have to really think hard about it and have a heart to heart with him, and let him know not only the truth but why you werent honest in the first place.
I wish you lots of luck, I am here rooting for ya!
Most Active
Recent Topics