I told a lie and don't know how to fix it....
I think the reason we didn't comment - well, at least the reason I didn't comment - on the fact that he's not her parent and she has the right to do what she feels is best for herself, is because that wasn't what she was asking about. Of course she had the right to have the surgery she felt was best. But when you're in a serious committed relationship with someone, I think you have a responsibility to be honest with them. So lying about the type of surgery was wrong. And I don't think he is as responsible for the lie as she is. No one is responsible for someone else's feelings. If the relationship is such that she feels she cannot be honest, then perhaps she should consider couple's counseling or consider whether the relationship is so unhealthy that she shouldn't continue it.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
First, I'd tell him.
But not in an apologetic shame-based way.
I think that when he opted out of supporting your choice, you had the right to do whatever you wanted to your body, and you really had no real reason to let him in on your decision process. Now, you've decided that the information could be relevant in the future.
The problem here is that you felt the need to hide your decision making process and that you feel shame for not disclosing the truth. The problem here is that your husband found it impossible to leave himself in order to support your decision. The problem is that you both let this go on for months while you were going through this process without ever once having a frank discussion about it.
This is a marriage that is broken. And I'm not sure whether it's broken because you were hurt that he didn't support you, or that he was too selfish to support you, or that you didn't have a means to communicate with each other about weight loss surgery. Therapy may fix it, but I'm not sure who needs the therapy.
But not in an apologetic shame-based way.
I think that when he opted out of supporting your choice, you had the right to do whatever you wanted to your body, and you really had no real reason to let him in on your decision process. Now, you've decided that the information could be relevant in the future.
The problem here is that you felt the need to hide your decision making process and that you feel shame for not disclosing the truth. The problem here is that your husband found it impossible to leave himself in order to support your decision. The problem is that you both let this go on for months while you were going through this process without ever once having a frank discussion about it.
This is a marriage that is broken. And I'm not sure whether it's broken because you were hurt that he didn't support you, or that he was too selfish to support you, or that you didn't have a means to communicate with each other about weight loss surgery. Therapy may fix it, but I'm not sure who needs the therapy.
You guys are all SO AWESOME!
Let me clarify a couple of things. The Man is not my husband. He's just "The Man". He's not my next of kin, or my emergency contact. And all his flaws aside, he's pretty awesome. We've been together for 12 years, and prefer the part time relationship over marriage/cohabitating. We're too old and cynical for such things! HA
He did not come with me to the hospital, at my request. I know they freak him out. I knew I'd be home in a day or two. If anything got complicated, he would have been there. He was waiting for me when I got home, which is just what I wanted.
Anyway, you all said what I know deep down - I have to eventually tell him the truth. I just want to be careful, I guess, about how and when I tell him. I don't want it to come off like I purposely lied...I really just decided not to discuss things further with him, as he wasn't really open to discussion anyway at the time (is that a cowardly answer or what!!!). But that's just how it went.
I also don't want it to come out when I'm upset/angry/fighting....that would just be mean.
I think he's adjusting to the reality of all this. He sees it didn't kill me, or even mess with me all that much. He's starting to see me feeling better, and looking a little better, too! He was so scared that I was going to get an infection, or flesh eating disease or some such thing....
He even has a petname for me....he calls me Zippy, because he thinks I have a "zip tie" strapped around my stomach. I thought that was kinda funny.....but alas, it's not a fitting name.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It's nice to have a neutral audience to ask these kinds of questions of.
My favorite comment......"Where's the peanuts".
xoxoxoxoxo
Let me clarify a couple of things. The Man is not my husband. He's just "The Man". He's not my next of kin, or my emergency contact. And all his flaws aside, he's pretty awesome. We've been together for 12 years, and prefer the part time relationship over marriage/cohabitating. We're too old and cynical for such things! HA
He did not come with me to the hospital, at my request. I know they freak him out. I knew I'd be home in a day or two. If anything got complicated, he would have been there. He was waiting for me when I got home, which is just what I wanted.
Anyway, you all said what I know deep down - I have to eventually tell him the truth. I just want to be careful, I guess, about how and when I tell him. I don't want it to come off like I purposely lied...I really just decided not to discuss things further with him, as he wasn't really open to discussion anyway at the time (is that a cowardly answer or what!!!). But that's just how it went.
I also don't want it to come out when I'm upset/angry/fighting....that would just be mean.
I think he's adjusting to the reality of all this. He sees it didn't kill me, or even mess with me all that much. He's starting to see me feeling better, and looking a little better, too! He was so scared that I was going to get an infection, or flesh eating disease or some such thing....
He even has a petname for me....he calls me Zippy, because he thinks I have a "zip tie" strapped around my stomach. I thought that was kinda funny.....but alas, it's not a fitting name.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It's nice to have a neutral audience to ask these kinds of questions of.
My favorite comment......"Where's the peanuts".
xoxoxoxoxo
Cher 
All is cool..
You can also downplay the issue. You doc and you discussed the issue and the RNY was a better choice - you can tell him that with the band you would have to go back and forth and be injected over and over - creating more possible issue.
You did not discussed the changes with him because the way he reacted to your decision in a first place. The last thing you needed before surgery is more and more fights and disagreements.
After all - you are doing great - and the history shows that there is a lot more complications with the band that with RNY. End of the story.
Good luck.
You can also downplay the issue. You doc and you discussed the issue and the RNY was a better choice - you can tell him that with the band you would have to go back and forth and be injected over and over - creating more possible issue.
You did not discussed the changes with him because the way he reacted to your decision in a first place. The last thing you needed before surgery is more and more fights and disagreements.
After all - you are doing great - and the history shows that there is a lot more complications with the band that with RNY. End of the story.
Good luck.
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
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