Really struggling, long rambling until the iPad cut me off....

scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 4:22 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

 

As some of you know I have been in and out of hospital since my surgery on October 19th, I had some minor buyers remorse but having to walk out on my kids Christmas Day to be rushed back to hospital pushed that over the edge into major buyers remorse. I feel like I've let my kids and husband down, he's missed work, I missed all their end of year school stuff, awards, performances, thanking teachers,my house has gone to hell and looks like.... I don't even know what it looks like but it's bad!

im sitting here now trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast, before and I between being hospitalised I ran a relatively tight ship food wise, was aiming to hit 60g of protein or at least over 40 with food because after my second hospitalisation I couldn't stomach protein powder-I have close on 20 different brands/ types in the cupboard plus sf syrups etc, the majority iv ordered from America because I couldn't get them here and they cost me a small fortune ( another feeling of letting everyone down) so whilst I was in hospital I had little control over what I ate, I tried to order just the protein portion of the meal but had my meals changed several times, got to the point where I couldn't stomach scrambled eggs for breakfast so went onto to muesli and was only eat 3 times a day rather than the 6 small meals.... Thing is I feel like the only time I've lost weight is in there, I know my cards were much higher in there because everything came covered in some kind of sauce/ gravy which I asked to not have but it still did.

i feel like my weightloss is pretty pitiful, I've lost this much before in this time frame without surgery, I haven't been able to exercise and that's doing my head in big time, before the surgery I was 3/4 of the way through c25k now I'm struggling to even walk on my treadmill and don't even mention the cross trainer- I wasn't allowed to use that for6 months after the open surgery.

basically what I'm trying to ramble out here is that I feel like a failure, I feel like I've damaged and let my family down and I feel like I'm never going to have my life back....had to pull out of being my best friends brides maid because I didn't want to let her down by being in hospital on the day. So

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 4:23 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

I've tried so hard to stay positive through this whole thing which really goes back to my sleeve fuckup in July and I just feel broken now.

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

karenp8
on 12/28/12 4:33 am - Brighton, IL

I don't even know what to say to you except that I am sending you a big hug!! I don't know how you could have gone through all you have and not have buyers remorse. I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible time but I am sure that your family and friends don't feel you have let them down. They just want you to feel better. And so do we!

   

       

scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 4:45 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

Thankyou Karen, they say I haven't but the 15 yr old refuses to see me in the hospital and is weird with me now and the 6 year old is permanently saying " when mum goes back to hospital" usually followed by something about the comic book store near the hospital( his silver lining)

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

vivking48
on 12/28/12 4:37 am - MN
RNY on 08/01/12

I have been following you on OH for a while now.  You have been through so much and are obviously a very strong person.  I disagree with you letting yourself or anyone else down.  It's more like something or someone letting you down.  Every time I read your posts I think it can only get better from here.  I hope that is the case this time!  Good luck to you and wishing you all the best in the new year.

Highh        

        
scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 4:50 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

Thanks vivking, I feel extremely let down by my surgeon, I've been passed around 4 different on call surgeons as every time I've been rehospitalised he's been " away" and this is the surgeon that's supposed to be the holy grail in this state. This last incident wouldn't have happened if he had checked my drain which I thought I had pulled out, at my appointment with him on the 20th he said I'd be fine and it needed to come out at some stage and rushed me out the door. I'm so disappointed.

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

Oxford Comma Hag
on 12/28/12 4:48 am

You haven't let anyone down. You are one of the unfortunate people who has had complications. You haven't done anything to cause them.

I am certain your family only wants you to be well and feel better. You wouldn't feel let down if one of them had a surgery and then had complications, would you?

I'm sorry you have had such a rough recovery. I hope the new year will bring you greatly improved health and a feeling of wellness.

take care

I fight badgers with spoons.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Suicidepreventionlifeline.org

scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 4:51 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

Thanks rosykate

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

Mal
on 12/28/12 5:24 am

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this!  ((((HUGS)))) you need support right now weather it comes from strangers online (like us!) or friends/family take people up on it when they ask 'what can I do'.  Do you have friends/family that could maybe coordinate making dinners (that you could eat too) for your family?  Maybe ask someone to come by and help you out with the household chores?  It's the little things that mean the most and I'm sure people would help out.  I can remember when I had to have emergency surgery (and was a single mom at the time to five kids) my church that I attended at a 'Call to Care' group where different church members would drop off meals for my family and I.  This not only helped me out financially, but just knowing that I didn't have to worry about dinner that night (they did it twice a week for 8 weeks) was so awesome and took a huge load off of me.  Maybe you could ask someone close to you to help coordinate something like that? 

I know it's hard (especially for us moms) but you really need to focus on getting well again.  Don't think of it as selfish or that you've let anyone down because if mama isn't right--no one is going to be!!  Do something nice for yourself, however frivolous you think it is.  It doesn't have to cost money either, just make sure to carve out some time for yourself every day for your own self-care.  Try and be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty doing this.  I'm sure your husband and children want their wife/mama to get better and start living the life you intended when you were researching wls.  I'm so sorry you have had such a rough road sweetie.  Get some rest when you can and who gives a rat's behind what the house looks like!!! 

I hope you get some answers soon and the help you need.  (((HUGS))))

 

M'Lane

                
scarlettbegonias
on 12/28/12 5:34 am - Australia
RNY on 10/19/12

Thanks mal,

I think a big part if the problem is we moved states to get away from my family, unfortunately that meant leaving the Inlaws as well. 

They are up here now and will likely take the two youngest kids back interstate with them for the rest of the holidays- January- the oldest doesn't want to go but she's pretty self sufficient - I kind of wish we knew more people in the area that we live but in reality it's hard to get to know new people ( the two youngest have asd's) and I was anything but outgoing when I was bigger.

i appreciate the support I get on here, I'm quite sure I would have lost it by now without that support

Band placed April '08 four years of hell-Band removed may '12~Non VSG July 26 '12. All went to hell~RNY on the 19th october '12~Leak & infection 26th october '12 ~infection 24th November '12, 2 weeks hospital~infection 25th dec '12 4 days ~30/5/13 hernia repair 4 days~hw120/sw/115/gw/58kg

    

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