OT: Adoption, has anyone gone through a US adoption?

jessann5
on 1/18/13 8:32 pm - Kansas City, KS

So my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 3 years now with no luck.  We are at the point where we are considering fertility treatments and maybe IVF.

For some reason Adoption never occurred to me until I started searching on the internet about infertility. I have nothing against adoption but it is a little scary to me because we are not rich, and our lives aren't perfect. I also wonder about children of different races. I don't really care what race the child is, but I am worried that I would not know how to raise them properly with respect to their race/culture since I might not know much about it. And also children with disabilities. I work full time and so does my husband, and it concerns me that we could not handle a child with special needs or behavioral problems.

I also wonder about the cost, and what is expected of me. Do I need to have the cleanest home on earth, is there going to be social workers and other people examining every aspect of my life/finances? I don't have anything to hide, but the thought still makes me a little uncomfortable.

Has anyone went through this process? How did it turn out and did you have any of the same concerns as I do? 

As always, I know I can turn to my OH friends for answers and support.

Thanks guys!

 RNY 1/29/08
Pre: BMI 47.6 wt 279
Current: BMI 24.9 wt 146
total pounds lost: 133

MBallard
on 1/18/13 8:57 pm - Fort Bragg, NC
RNY on 02/07/13

A bit OT- But i just wanted to tell you i'm adopted, and I think its wonderful that you are considering the option.

   Surgery date - February 7, 2013

 

 

   

Sherry T.
on 1/18/13 9:04 pm - GA
RNY on 05/22/12

I know someone who adopted but don't know enough of the process to tell you...it was expensive but they went through an adoption agency (in was in the tens of thousands-mortgaged the house) but at the end of the day....they have a beautiful little girl that is precious!   The Mom could not have children due to a heart issue since childhood...she had to make the decision at 18 to have her tubes tied because the doctor's felt she could never survive the stress of having a baby. 

I know I didn't help but wanted to share what I knew....but they are so worth it!  Ok there are days when my little sweet boy puts Momma through the ringer but I know he loves me and would do anything for me just like I would him. 

((((((hugs))))))

Sherry

newbeginning2012
on 1/18/13 9:37 pm

I have 2 sons that were adopted.   You do not have to be rich or perfect to go through the adoption process.  But it is a process that requires deep desire,  effort and some money  (just like going through infertility treatments).   I would suggest that you research adoption agencies in your area and set up an informational meeting with them.  Some agencies have monthly group meetings that people can  attend or you can go into their office for  a one on one meeting with them.   That way you can get some information and be able to discuss your questions and concerns with them.    If you want any specific details on anything, just let me know.   Good Luck!

Aimee

jessann5
on 1/18/13 9:40 pm - Kansas City, KS

Thank you so much for your response! I am so full of questions I am making myself crazy!

did you use a private agency or did you adopt through the state? And why did you chose one over the other?

 RNY 1/29/08
Pre: BMI 47.6 wt 279
Current: BMI 24.9 wt 146
total pounds lost: 133

newbeginning2012
on 1/18/13 11:13 pm

Our first adoption was actually done with adoption lawyers since we knew the birthmother and we didn't need to go through an agency in that specific situation . 

I had a coworker who had used a specific agency for her adoptions and she highly recommended them to me when we were starting to think about adoption.  So when we decided to adopt another child, we went with that agency.  I know of others who have adopted through the state and have had wonderful experiences too.  I didn't discount one way over the other, it just worked out that we went with the agency. 

I remember feeling the same way you do with all of your thoughts and questions.  I really do recommend some informational meetings~  they will really help you. 

weaverwoman
on 1/18/13 10:17 pm - TX

I second the fact that you don't have to be rich or perfect to adopt.  I was a social worker with a private adoption agency, pursued adoption through the foster care agency in our state, and I'm now the adoptive mom of a daughter from China.  Adoption is life changing, and not just because a child enters your life!  Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

 

 

        
Annyka
on 1/18/13 10:34 pm - Pfafftown, NC

It doesn't HAVE to be expensive, but it depends on what your desires/needs are.

Disclosure: I'm a former foster parent, who did have a placement of an infant just after birth, and a severely neglected 3 yr old (unrelated kids). The 3 yr old's issues were severe, social services refused to deal with it properly, and the resulting problems and disagreeents led to relocating the 3yr old, and quite frankly out of spite, they moved the then 15-month old infant from us - the only parents she'd ever known, and who were working to adopt her. Bitter doesn't begin to describe it, but I do speak of the experiences and challenges honestly.

If you don't have your heart set on an infant, you may be able to adopt out of your state's pool of foster children that are available for adoption - or become a foster parent and if a child placed with you has their parental rights terminated, the foster parent almost always has first option to adopt that child.

Foster children can either be as 'entirely normal' as any other child, or have a host of unique or long term issues. Children are not in the program because they've had a normal childhood, or because they're suddenly orphans and nobody can take care of them (though rarely that happens). They've been at least neglected, and at worst abused in a variety of ways. They may have been exposed during pregnancy to alcohol, drugs, and tobacco, they may have been malnourished. Behavioral issues are a matter of "what", rather than "if".

Not to say these can't be overcome - they can. But you have to honestly adjust your expectations - even if you're given an infant abandoned at the hospital by their birth mother, that there will be unknown issues to overcome as the months and years go by. The infant we had, had clearly been exposed to drugs during her pregnancy, had some muscle tone issues that were still being identified and treated at the time she left us, but was otherwise the most adorable baby on the planet.

Adoption through social services is relatively inexpensive (~$2000), and if the child is over 2 yrs old at the time of petition and of a minority race, there may be stipends available until they turn 18. Some states require that age to be older (5 or 6), or for it to be a sibling group instead of an individual - it depends on their case load and federal budget allotment.

Beyond the social services programs, domestic infant adoption is available, but it is not cheap. I've followed that community for about 8 years now, and costs have ranged from $10k to $40k or more, depending on if it's through a private agency, an adoption facilitator, or an adoption attorney's office. Some programs require prospective parents to pay birth mother expenses, some don't - living expenses for a mother can really add up, as well as pregnancy care expenses.

The vogue these days is some variety of open adoption, and you have to be able to get your head around that, and be extremely honest with yourself about what kind of ongoing contact you and your family can handle willingly.

In any adoption, social services or private, there will be a home study. It will be an inspection of your home, but not a white glove test, instead do you have appropriate space for children (bedroom, exit window, closets, dressers), is the home safe (no exposed wire outlets, water features on the property protected for safety, etc), are pets appropriately cared for, etc. If your house keeping is on level with "Hoarders" on TV, then that would be a problem, but daily clutter - no.

They will also discuss with you your motivations for adopting, your expectations, the state of your marriage (often including some questions about intimacy), your relationship with your parents and other extended family members, your parenting philosophies, etc. You will be expected to show that you can support yourselves and a child, and not be reliant upon government assistance, and not have negative cash flow. 

It feels invasive, there's usually a 10-30 page packet of info to fill out, you have to provide references that they will go interview, but it's not quite as bad as getting a government security clearance.

 

Good luck with whichever path you choose.

jessann5
on 1/18/13 11:16 pm - Kansas City, KS

Wow, Thank you so much for that information!

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with the baby being taken from you, that is just wrong.

I really don't mind if I have an infant or not. I have a son who is 15, I had him as a teenager in high school (long story but I was young and in love with my high school sweetheart and we did what young in love teens do and I ended up pregnant) He is in high school now and we are planing on college and I know he will only be home for a few more years then he will be off to school, and then to a job and that leaves my husband and I with a really empty nest and we are only in our 30's. I had always planed on more kids, but I was so young when I had my son I had to wait and get my life together first. And now that it is "time" we are struggling. I just want to be a Mom and raise babies I don't really care how old they are.

 RNY 1/29/08
Pre: BMI 47.6 wt 279
Current: BMI 24.9 wt 146
total pounds lost: 133

Ladytazz
on 1/18/13 11:52 pm

I adopted my son but that was in 1982 so things are a lot different but I had the same fears and concerns as you do.  I didn't think it was possible, or we'd be good enough or the house clean enough or we could afford it.

I called a bunch of places and one was very nice and encouraging.  They sent out the application and I filled it out with a lot of stuff I added like an essay I had written in school about my views on parenting.

We had our home study with an angel named Caroyln.  God bless that woman.  I remember during the interview we said we were willing to take an older child and she said "You guys are young, you need an infant".  The process was so easy that I honestly didn't think we would get a child.  I just thought they would never call us.  Well they did about 9 months later.  To say I was shocked was an understatement.  We were told there was a 2 month old boy who had a heart condition and did we want him?  You think?  We were to meet him the next morning.

I went into the office expecting a frail, sickly baby and they brought in the cutest, most robust little guy I'd ever seen.  He looked at me and gave me a big, toothless grin and I was hooked.'  It was even more special because the note the foster mother included to let me know about my new son said that he rarely smiled.  He sure smiled a lot with me.

Anyway, the heart problem was a hole in his heart that closed on it's own within the year.  The amount we were asked to pay was for the mother's medical insurance during her pregnancy, $1,300.00.  We paid $100.00 a month.  And know he is a dad to my grand daughter and one of the best son's a mother could hope for.

As an aside, at my grand daughter's birthday party I got to meet birth mom.  I hugged her and thanked her for the wonderful gift she gave me.  She was 15 when he was born.  Anyway, I wish you luck and don't be discouraged.

WLS 10/28/2002 Revision 7/23/2010

High Weight  (2002) 240 Revision Weight (2010) 220 Current Weight 115.

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