A cautionary tale for newbies (and not so newbies)...long rambling post

When I first had surgery, I had it in my mind that I would never fall back into old habits and that this was really my opportunity to change my life.  It has truly been a life changer.  In the first 2-3 months, life was great.  I was doing everything as planned...water, protein, minimal sugar/carbs...the whole nine yards. I remember being at a point where I hated food. Then in month 3, hunger returned, along with a nasty ulcer.  That passed after a couple of months and I got better.  Every day, I was on here for support.  Lora, Kelly, Kim, Paul...everyone do what these people tell you as they now what they are saying!  Don't get mad when they tell you something you don't want to hear.

Well I strayed.  I always...from early on...struggled with not drinking during meals.  I let carbs back in.  And not just carbs, sugar.  I am a sweets person.  Even worse, I do dump.  I have delayed heart racing and sweating, but I get wicked nausea.  That has not stopped me though.  I have a person in my life that also had surgery but regained quite a bit back.  I watch her breaking all of the "rules".  Knowing all the things that I know, I have continued in my wicked ways of eating with no consequences.  Still in the honeymoon period, I have taken my tool for granted.  

I'm not Catholic, but I am seeing this post as a form of confession.  I have had an amazing year and a half.  I got a promotion at work and can fit into size 4 jeggings now.  However, this will not last forever.  I have to quit playing around and be serious. Surgery is just the first step. I have to stop lying to myself and realize that it takes commitment, planning, and hard work.  I need to work on my impulse control (meaning that cake we are having on Wednesday should not control me.)

I am back on the wagon now and I am looking to y'all for support.  New people, you may think it can't happen to you, but it can. Stay strong and don't let your old ways creep back in.  Sorry for the long post, but it is quite cathartic for me 

I know. And I DO worry about it. I am 6 days post op. I have found myself wanting food a couple of times. Not because I was hungry but just because I WANT FOOD. I have been near tears when I smelled pizza. I have dealt with it fine now. But it may be because I have no choice but to stay on liquids for now. I am in therapy every week and we are working through this! I know I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Which means I need to keep truckin and be careful!

Thank you for your honesty.  The hardest confession for me was prompted by a face to face reality check for the real reasons for my unhealthy abuse with food.  I had to call it by name and accept and admit it to those who love me (my husband and grown children) that I have an eating disorder--so easily disguised by excuses. I ate when I was not hungry because I like the taste and activity of eating. Weight problems surprised me in the last 15 years. I had no weight problems until then and never new a real diet plan, and was active enough to take care of 5 lbs at a time if needed. Long story short, I found myself with insulin resistance, hypertension, and all of the above that causes discomfort, including humiliation and anger with myself.  I was faced with life threatening issues.

Admitting my eating issues is cleansing for me. Excuses only helped me dig a deeper unhealthy hole for myself.

I am almost 3 weeks out and I have to say, I am so scared that I will fall off the wagon. I am hoping that fear will keep me heading in the right direction. I know it is hard and I am glad to hear what you have said. I think I need a life size picture of me to stand up in my kitchen reminding me of where I started in this journey!!!

Thank You for sharing :) tomorrow I will be 3 weeks post op and am very worried about falling off the wagon, but I have so much support that I am not going to forget about. I have this site, my family, and my surgeon which has a personal trainer already lined up for me after my 1 month check up!!!!  reading this has been a friendly reminder to keep focused and always keep my eating habits in check :) 

It's good you realize the magic spell of easy loss will be broken, it happened for me at the 4 yr mark.  Once it does you really have to get yourself a realistic eating pan and goals and stick to them.  I don't fight my natural eating urges anymore and maintain more easily without the constant battle.  Everyone needs to work out what works for them.  What works or me might not work for anyone else but it continues to work for me eight years in.

I'm so glad you're being honest with yourself and reaching out on here to try and get back on track. You CAN do it! I had my surgery a few months before you and I really do understand your struggle. The longer I'm out the more I realize that this really is only a tool and that the majority of the work I have to do is about what goes on between my ears. I'm learning to live a life without food as a wingman, a comfort, a relief, a celebration, a cure for boredom, a hobby, a friend and a dozen other things I use it for that have nothing to do with being fuel for life. I see now that it's a process that will go on...well...forever. My hope for myself, and for you, is that we will get better at living/feeling so that food won't be so much of an issue. In my personal experience, working with a therapist has been very helpful to identify reasons why I eat and help me to come up with new patterns of living that are food-free. One thing that has really helped me is just this one question I ask myself when I'm thinking about eating something I hadn't planned for. I ask myself: What do I really need? (a friend? a break? some relief? Am I happy? Bored? Angry? Just wanting a treat? etc.) It's amazing how the more I do that more more of a pause I have developed between me and the food which makes it easier to make a decision about eating or not rather than just doing it automatically. Anyway, I'm not sure if that helps but I want you to know that I understand how you feel and I know that there is recovery from food being in control of our lives. Every single day I make a little progress...some days I go backwards...but I'm on the right track, just like you are. Keep your chin up and know that your honestly is helpful to the rest of us, too. We're all in this together! Take care of yourself and keep us posted on your progress. YOU CAN DO IT! :)

At 9 1/2 months out, I can totally relate.  It is so easy to fall back into bad habits little by little.  I have had to put myself in check many times, realizing that this honeymoon period is not something I should take advantage of to break rules. I need use this time to build a healthy foundation of behaviors that will carry me through once the safety net is yanked away.  I tell myself every day that it will be gone. 

Thanks for posting.

Thanks for posting and being honest.  I'm right there with you.  I've gained a few pounds and was surprised about it.  Then I took a good hard look at what I was eating, more and more carbs--bites of this and that, maybe not enough protein. I also thought it would never happen to me, that i wouldn't let it happen-but here I am.  You go girl!!