My Husband Doesn't Agree

lajuana1978
on 5/16/13 12:42 pm - New York, NY

Hello Everyone,

I am a newbie on OH.  I have just came to the conclusion that I would like to have the gastric bypass done.  I actually am not new to the gastric bypass process.  About 10 years ago, I gotten as far as waiting for my surgery date and had gotten pregnant.  At the time I was not married to my now husband (I did not meet him for another six years later).  I told my husband that I did not feel right.  I explained to him how I was tired of looking the way that I am.  I have a lot of confidence in myself in a lot of other things, but when it comes to my weight I go inside of myself.  I do not look at mirrors, even though when I get dressed up my husband tells me how beautiful I look, I just don't feel the same way he does.  I like to avoid mirrors altogether.  

My husband does not like the idea of me getting the gastric bypass done.  He would like for me to loose the weight the old fashioned way.  I told him that throughout the years I have tried everything, and nothing works.  I know the reason why he does not want me to get the surgery done is because of all the complications that people have had with it.  But I let him know that just because something happened to someone that has had the surgery sometime means that they did not follow the directions of their doctor.  And of course I know other things can happen, but I don't look at it that way.  

I have high blood pressure right now and aches and pains when I walk and I want to stop the ripple affect from happening to me (diabetes, heart condition, etc.).  I would like to know that I will be here to see my daughter (who is turning 9 on May 29th) one day start her own family, and I become a grandma.  I would like to go into the store (and not have to go to a plus size store) and know that they have my size.  I hate the fact that my clothes cost $30 and up.  I have to wait for sales to come on because I just can't see myself paying $50 for a pair of jeans.  I am just so sick and tired of my weight and I am now ready to do something about it.  

I know that my husband will be behind me every step of the way, but I feel bad that this is something that we both could not agree on.  I know he loves me and does not want anything to happen to me, but he will be my rock while going through the process.

Thank you OH community for listening.

See you on my journey.

Sydster145
on 5/16/13 2:17 pm - ID
RNY on 06/24/13

My husband was the same way at first too but he has always supported me and eventually got on board. Probably because he knew I would do it anyway! I spent a lot of time explaining what the surgery meant to me. He just needed a little time to process it. Your husband will come around. 

MrsLitch
on 5/16/13 3:41 pm - Morris, IL
RNY on 06/04/12
I would suggest taking your husband with you to the informational meeting most offices have, and to a support group if your doctor has one. If he likes reading purchase some books on wls let him read about it.

The more informed my husband became the more on board he was. My hubby had some insecurity issues, like not only would I lose weight but I'd lose him too for a younger, more fit, yada yada yada guy. It took some reassuring on my part.

While my hubby has been extremely supportive he has said on a few occasions he wishes I'd never of gotten the surgery, typically when I was having gall bladder issues and surgery, or one of the handful of times I've gotten sick. I know what he was really saying was I love you and don't like you in pain, and I can't help you.

Education is key for both of you, because while this surgery can be done alone, it's far easier with support.

Good luck!

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com

5' 3" - HW: 244 SW:234  GW:120 LW: 107 CW:110 Made goal 3/16/13!    

hilary1220
on 5/16/13 8:53 pm - PA

What MrsLitch posts is 100% right; I am 4 days post-op and my 30yo daughter did not want me to have any wls.  So months ago, I asked her to come to my drs appt, and support group -- I know she loves me, and was only concerned for me but being informed helped her to understand.  Hubby had sleeve done last July, so he was behind my decision anyhow. 

I had bypass done on Monday and didn't get out of hospital till yesterday (very unusual); I had been quite nauseas (not uncommon) and they were worried I wouldn't keep hydrated, and would end up back in the ER.  Finally home, and glad to be.

Good luckl to you.

poet_kelly
on 5/16/13 9:26 pm - OH

Most people don't have complications from this surgery, and most people that are morbidly obese do have health problems as a result.  Sounds like your husband just needs to educate himself.  Take him with you to an appointment with your surgeon so he can ask all his questions and get the accurate info he needs.

Do keep in mind, though,that following your doctor's advice doesn't guarantee you won't have complications.  Many complications are things you just can't prevent, no matter what you do.

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com          Kelly

Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor.  Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me.  If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her.    Check out my blog.

 

beverlyp
on 5/16/13 9:50 pm

My husband totally did not agree with my decision to have WLS in the beginning.   I had to break him in real slow to the idea.  I started with the band cause its the least invasive, got him talked into that and then moved it up to the sleeve after I got him onboard with the idea that the band had to many complications and future surgeries involved.  Then when my insurance denied the sleeve, I was in such a state because I really did not want the band he actually told me to go ahead with the RNY.  His exact words were "if you are gonna do it might as well do the one that has has fewer complications involved".  

He basically went from a position of absolutely no support, to being one of the most supportive people in my life.  I think he just had to see that it was going to happen with or without him and get past the word "surgery".   If your husband is anything like mine (and mine is pretty typical) anything that constitutes a change or a rocking of the boat is automatically considered bad and met with resistance.

        

    
mussit64
on 5/16/13 11:40 pm - Panama City , FL
RNY on 04/18/13

My hubby was the same way... He wanted me to get lapband, but when I talked him into going to the seminar with me, everything changed for him...  Then when Dr. Lord said he didn't think I would be happy with the Lapband because I have so much to lose and he recommended Gastric, my hubby was fine with it... I am 4 weeks post op now and I have lost 44 lbs and 18.5 inches overall..   I no longer take bp meds, haven't needed them since I left the hospital.   

 

 

                        
MyLady Heidi
on 5/17/13 2:10 am

My boyfriend was leery too, I took him to my surgeons informational seminar and after we left he was totally onboard even when I got scared and didn't think I could actually go through with a surgery.  If he loves you and wants to see you healthy then he will come around and get onboard, take him along so he can hear everything about which ever surgery you choose and he can be part of the process with you.  If he chooses to not support you, what do you really have, a husband you will resent who doesn't really care about your health.  If he is worried, his fears need to be relieved, if he is telling you to lose weight the old fashioned way he obviously doesn't understand weight issues, even if he has one.  Some people can lose weight but maintaining it is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.

Good Luck!

 

lajuana1978
on 5/17/13 2:48 am - New York, NY

I thank everyone that replied to my message.  

After I posted this message on OH my husband and I spoke more about the surgery and he is alright with it.  I don't think that he totally agrees just yet with me getting the surgery done, but I can see that he has my back.  When I start the process I will have him there with me that way he can get educated right along with me about what the process is going to be.  I remember years ago when I did the process I was able to bring someone with me.  And I see they still allow that, so I will bring him with me.

I am so excited and can't wait to start the process.  But another question I would like to ask, I don't remember what I was told about this years ago, but why is it that we have to lose weight before having the surgery?  I have recently lost weight and now I am gaining it back at a rapid weight.  I have not changed my eating pattern and don't understand why.  I guess these are questions to ask when I go through the process.

Again, I thank you for being able to listen to my burdens.  And hope to keep speaking to you guys along the way.  My goal is to get down to 175lbs.  And right now I weigh 357lbs. (I weighed myself last night and I feel so disgusted with myself.)  I think I was in my early teens when I weighed that much (so you can see that I was heavy all my life.)

I will keep everyone updated on the process.

beverlyp
on 5/17/13 2:52 am

My surgeon told me the reason he wants his patients loosing weight when they go in for surgery is because it makes the liver softer and easier to move around that way it doesn't get in the way of his visibility and he has a smaller chance of nicking something he doesn't want to nick.

        

    
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