Spouse Issues...
OK here it is...I have not seen much about this....My husband has yet to say a word about my weight loss...neither negative or positive. I crave a compliment from him....of all the people in my life he is the one I want to please and hear from. I have notheard a word...whe I began this journey her went with me to the seminar...we were both in need of reduction for many reasons...his more proscribed than mine..BP, Cholesterol, etc pre diabetic. Today is my Birthday and I just received a text on my phone for a wish happy birthday. I am hurt beyond belief. I have not spoken to him since Saturday nite at dinner....we went out with my newly married son, his bride and her parent and my husband proceeded to tell what I should order (which was pasta) I could not eat that and knew I would get sick. After dinner all went to Sweet Frog for dessert..again I joined but did not partake...which he meanly said why are you even in here in line...the place was packed. I think he is dealing with his own insecurities and has alot of resentment towards me....not sure what to do. Any advice is welcome.......
I would definitely recommend therapy for both of you... simply because this is a huge change and it can be hard to adjust. It definitely sounds like the insecurities are his (in regards to the rude things he's saying to you); however, I know that I too crave the compliments from my husband. The problem is that he's not really the type of guy that gives them out a whole lot.
What has helped me was telling him that the compliments are a way to support me in my weight loss. He's been supportive in many other ways, and so I let him know that this was another big way to help me. He's made an effort to try. I've also had to try and find joy in other things than his compliments... because it's not healthy to get your feelings so wrapped up in what someone else does or does not say to you.
Your husband is being rude. You need to tell him, "My feelings were very hurt when you asked me why I was even there at Sweet Frog." and "I felt unsupported when you ordered pasta for me when you know it's not on my plan." You have to be specific - not just about the feelings you had at the time, but the incident that caused you to have that emotion. If he's not receptive to that... then you've got a serious problem on your hands and if it were me... I'd tell him to either deal with his issues, or start considering what his life would be like without me in it!
Hang in there!
For more info on my journey & goals, visit my blog at http://flirtybythirty.wordpress.com
Have you discussed this with him?
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
I agree with Kelly...DISCUSS THIS!!!! This is such a common thing, it's sad. I would definitely ask him how he feels. I would also make it very clear that his actions are not nice!
Try to remind yourself that you didn't have surgery for him, you did it for yourself. You are #1, not him. Don't allow his insecurities to bring you down, he needs to work on them, not you.
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Can I ask why he ordered your food? That's a little weird ... No, that's a LOT weird!
Please make sure you have a safety plan before the sit down talk tonight - if feelings are running high, bad decisions can be made - even by people who wouldn't normally make them!
Good luck and let us know how it went!
Proud Feminist, Atheist, LGBT friend, and Democratic Socialist
every person and couple is different, but many relationships change in the same ways after WLS. from your description it sounds like he is overweight too. so you had surgery, you're getting thinner. he's probably jealous of your weight loss and afraid that you'll go looking for a thinner man.
its time for a serious talk. you can't let this fester. he needs to own his feelings and the two of you need to get on the same page moving forward. from what i've heard on this forum, strong relationships remain strong after WLS. weak ones dissolve because the newly confident WLS'er moves on out. best of luck!
Therapy for you, therapy for both of you and a serious come to Jesus chat with him about pulling his head out of his ass! That is what would be going on if my husband were acting the way you describe. It is not just sabotage it is bordering on abuse in my opinion!
I am so sorry he's being a selfish, self-centered ass hat and please do not let it hamper your happiness or personal satisfaction with your changes.
My husband had the surgery 7 months before I did and we've been a great support system to one another, but I still see a therapist every 3 weeks or so because I need to work on ME and MY issues. If I did not have the support of my husband, I'd be going weekly I think!
Hugs to you!
HW333--SW 289--GW of 160 5' 11" woman. I only know the way I know & when you ask for input/advice, you'll get the way I've been successful through my surgeon & nutritionist. Please consult your surgeon & nutritionist for how to do it their way. Biggest regret? Not doing this 10 years ago! Every day is better than the day before...and it was a pretty great day!
