Transfer addiction - depression

So i am about 4 lbs from goal and I wanted to share something that I have been going through in hopes it may help someone else.  I have had a lot of changes this year including in my marriage.  I fell in love with someone only for that to also become a giant mess as one would expect!  I attended A LOT of therapy before surgery and even over the last year and several classes on transfer addiction.  They covered a lot on alcholism and drugs but one they didnt touch on much was Love addiction.  Its not quite the same a sex addiction but it can take that form.  It turned out I took the time I was using food to make me feel better and using fantasies and a relationship with another person to fill that void.  Making the relationship even more then it should have been.  I ended that relationship in a healthy moment but since ending it fell into a very bad depression.  With some help from my therapist I am learning that most of what I am feeling is from filling my time with thoughts or this other person or with time spent with that person.  I was ripe for picking up something else to get me through the hard moments after putting down the food and many codependant relationships.  I am a little better each day but it has been hard and I still have moments that I just feel uncontrollably sad or unhopeful.  I just wanted to note that while surgery has been very successful and I am much healthier both physically and emotionally there is still a lot of work to do.  If you are having struggles in any aspect not just food post surgery or even pre surgery you are not alone!  Please try to find help and if you every need anyone post!   

I have been there and I know exactly what you mean.  After my first WLS I got re involved with an old boyfriend, who was then married and I had a long term boyfriend.  As you can guess, it didn't end well.  Then I jumped right into another relationship with someone who had been a long time friend.  Another bad idea.  By the time that ended I was completely suicidal.

I am in 12 step programs and I choose a sponsor because she had what I wanted.  She was alone by choice and very happy that way.  She was also very spiritual and I wanted that in my life as well.  As things turned out, she eventually met a man and couldn't live without him and I am now in a place in my life where I am perfectly  happy living on my own, even though I eventually wound up getting back with my long time boyfriend.  Ironically, one of the reasons I broke up with him is because I was looking to get married again and he was perfectly happy living alone.  Now we are both happy living along and enjoy each others companionship but we don't build our lives around each other.

I feel like I have the best of both worlds.  I have a man who I know loves me, treats me well, takes me out on dates regularly and is my best friend that I can talk to about anything.  And I have my house to myself, I can go where I want, do what I want, spend my money the way I please and not have to answer to anyone.  I don't have to cook or clean for anyone but myself.  Well, my 18 year old daughter sometimes but that is only when I choose to.  It makes me wonder what I was thinking all those years I was looking for a relationship.  I was always looking for someone to take care of me and I always found myself taking care of them.  Now I can take care of myself and I have no desire to take care of anyone else, well adults anyway.  I don't mind taking care of my grandkids 

Anyway, I have had so many addictions but food was always my first, maybe because it was the first.  I could sooth myself with food from infancy.  As I grew I found others ways to self medicate but I always went back to food because it was easily accessible, socially accepted and cheap.  Today I am not practicing any addictive behaviors.  I am free from sugar and gluten products, don't smoke, i use no drugs or alcohol, no gambling, no unhealthy co dependent relationships.  I can't even over spend since I am responsible and pay all my bills before anything else and don't use credit cards.  And, for the first time in many, many years, my depression and anxiety is in remission for the longest time I can remember.  Not completely gone but in manageable levels that don't overwhelm me and don't last for a very long time.

There is hope for life without addictions.  It takes some getting used to but it can happen if we want it and work for it.  It hasn't happened because I got lucky but I work at it and I attend 12 step meetings.

I don't mean to preach, really.  I just wanted to let you know I understand what you are saying and I can see you are on your way to getting better.  Best wishes for you.  I would say good luck but you don't need luck.  You just need to believe in yourself and work for the life you want.

Thank YOU SOOO MUCH.  I have moments where it creeps back in and there is always a bit of gnawing in the back of my brain but each day is better than the last.  I keep my mala beads on me cause I tend to need to meditate for a few moments through out the day!  I can feel I am still very fragile and sometimes feel like a complete and udder loser but more often then not I can work my way out of it.  It did come to a head when I realized while i wasnt looking specifically for a way to kill myself I was quite alright and even hoping I would just die where I was.  Feeling it anymore was just too much! 

Please be kind to yourself.  You have lost a hell of a lot of weight in a pretty short period of time.  Not only does that mess with your hormones big time but it causes us to completely change our perception of ourselves and see ourselves as others see us.  So many changes, such a short time, no wonder some of us go a little crazy and look for some kind of new distraction or comfort when your go to soother is abruptly taken from us.  You will be fine, just hang in there.  

And if I can give you some completely unsolicited advice if today is very hard and you don't know how you will get through, find someone to help.  Open the door for old people, help them with their groceries, give a few dollars to that homeless guy with the sign.  God knows we have some extra change now that we aren't hitting the drive thrus.  Yes, he will probably use it for booze or drugs but who are we to judge?  We had our own booze, it was just a bit easier to get and didn't render most of us unemployable.  Maybe he needs that drink to make it another day.  Maybe he needs that drink to finally hit his bottom and reach out for help.  Just find a way to think about others and what you can do for them and you will find yourself thinking less about yourself (and him!) and you know what?  You just may develop some self esteem on the way.  Not self esteem for what you look like or what you do but for who you are.  And that can't be taken away.

Thank you both for sharing your journey. It is just whatbI needed today.