7 years out

 

Can’t sleep so figured I’d drop by & update everyone since I’m NEVER on here anymore.  I mean really… don’t most of us “move on” at some point?  Not with the “rules” if we want to keep the weight off, but with the constant support group attendance &/or forum participation stuff.  Or maybe that’s just me.

 

I’m 7 years out.  I started out about 255 – 260 pounds depending on what scale I believed.  I currently weigh between 123 – 133 pounds depending on what scale I believe.  So I went from a size 24/26 to a size 2/4. 

 

I still journal everything I eat or drink.  I do it for a lot of reasons.  1) I didn’t get fat overnight.  If I regain, that won’t be overnight either.  If I don’t log my calories, I just KNOW I will let myself add a few calories here and there (thus adding a pound here and there) every few months until I’m back where I started.  To stop that problem BEFORE it starts (which is always preferable in my opinion), I journal everything & keep to my set caloric limit per day as set by my dietician when she did my medgem test.  2) If I start having digestive problems or feeling gross periodically (or feeling “off” in ANY way really), I want to look back at my food journal & see if something dietary could be to blame, etc.  3)  If I go through a period where I start GAINING and don’t know why, I can look back at my food/fluid journal and see if I was carb loading witout realizing it or if I’m eating foods that may be making me retain more fluids than normal, etc.  But MOSTLY, I just do it to keep me honest so I stick to my limit on my calories.

 

I still don’t drink with my meals.  I stop 30 minutes before eating and don’t start drinking again until an hour after eating.  SOMETIMES I’ll admit to only letting 15 minutes lapse from the time I stop drinking until I start eating, but those times are rare & I never feel right (physically) eating that soon after I stop drinking.  So I do always try for the full 30 minutes.  Sometimes I wait even longer than an hour after eating to start drinking if my fluid intake is high enough for the day where I’m not worried about getting enough in.  If I’m not thirsty and I’ve had a lot of fluid that day, I can go as much as an 1.5 – 2 hours after eating before I start drinking again because I’m in no hurry to start getting more in.      

 

I still don’t drink carbonated beverages of any kind.  Too much research shows how unhealthy they are and how even the diet ones contribute to obesity.  All it took for me to never touch another one of those was for me to read in my pre & post-op research that the majority of post-ops *****gain had also started drinking carbonated beverages again.  The less I have in common with those *****gain, I figure the better my chances to NOT regain would be if that makes sense. 

 

I don’t go to support group (or even on this forum) hardly EVER anymore.  Most of the topics on here and in real life group are for immediate post-ops.  I’m just not in that place so I feel like it’s a waste for me to be there/here unless there is something I can gain from it.  That sounds selfish, but I’m feeling selfish this morning.  There is a forum on here for longer out patients.  I wish there was a support group here for longer out patients.  I went to our support group here for the first time in ages the other night.  It was a lecture on vegetable based diet living (which she & the nurses leading the meeting flat out said wasn’t recommended for us) and one of the nurses even walked around showing us how small to cut the vegetables to illustrate a proper “bite size”.  I’m 7 years out.  If it fits in my mouth, it is a proper bite size.  LOL (jk… sorta)  In any event, I’m going to try another group next time I think.

 

So now the WHY I went to support group after not going for a couple of years and WHY I’m typing this out at 4:30 in the morning when I could be playing Candy Crush.  I have had a resurgence of a bad behavior that I want to put a stop to.  I figure if I confess it on here, it’ll help me do that. 

 

I was a BIG binge eater pre-op.  We’re talking OBSCENE amounts of food.  We’re talking a meal of an entire order of crazy bread + entire baconator + great biggie fries + great biggie diet coke kind of obscene.  We’re talking a snack of a half gallon of vanilla ice cream with a box of frosted flakes poured over it (for that crunch factor) – WHICH I would have to throw up halfway through sometimes because I couldn’t even hold it all, after which time I could go sit & eat the rest.  Pretty sick huh? 

 

In any event, we all know we have surgery on our BODIES and not our MINDS.  That sick part of my mind isn’t dead.  She hibernates sometimes and I don’t see her for months.  Then sometimes she is with me every day, seemingly taunting me in my mind, telling me I want to eat this & that (and not SMALL amounts of this & that because she never did ANYTHING halfway). 

 

So since my surgery, she’s been back maybe twice.  She stayed for a couple of weeks each time before going into hibernation again.  She’s back now.  It’s been a couple of weeks & she’s still here.  I want her gone.  So I’m confessing on here in the hopes that something will happen to make her go away.

 

Now since I’ve had RNY, obviously I can’t totally give in to her and binge – I’d hurt myself or immediately throw it all back up.  So, I compromise with her.  I do what’s called “chew & spit”.  (Paints a pretty picture doesn’t it?  Probably why they shorten it & call it “CNS”.)  I chew whatever she wants up, getting all the flavor/taste/etc, then I spit it out. 

 

Now I have to break in the flow here because this is very hard to type – especially publicly – but it needs said.  I’ve sat here for a good 2 – 3 minutes staring at this screen trying to make myself type these words.  For some reason, it is easier to DESCRIBE what I do (as I did above) than it is to just say: I have an eating disorder.  But I do.

 

There.  I said it.  I have an eating disorder.  Granted, it’s not something ALL doctors would classify as an eating disorder.  But they’d be wrong in my opinion.  I agree with the doctors that classify it as a ED-NOS (eating disorder – not otherwise specified) as does the National Eating Disorder Information Centre. 

 

I really want to delete the last couple of paragraphs but I’m NOT going to let myself do that.  I chewed up & spit out 48 miniature cupcakes this morning.  That will be the LAST time I do that EVER. 

 

I’ve spoken to a psychiatrist about this (it was as hard for me to tell her as it was to tell all of you) and we’re going to start working on it.  So that’s good news.  But I still felt like, for some reason, coming clean to all of you may be the most helpful thing for me. 

 

I have gone through this “CNS” phase twice since my surgery 7 years ago.  Both times I have come out of it fine.  (I never experienced any weight gain/loss.  I never experienced any consequences other than me feeling like I don’t have control of myself which was bad enough by itself.)

 

So here’s episode # 3 and I want control back.  Keep me in your thoughts please.  Thank you. 

 

Prayers on the way 

thank u

I applaud u for ur confession.  I can't imagine how hard that was for u. Good luck to u dear.  

thank u

That must have been incredibly hard to write. Good for you that you're seeing a therapist, I hope it all works out for you.

it was. thank u

What an open and honest post! I am proud of you for admitting your issues so you can get help to work through them. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you to get the help you need. Keep us posted please. And congratulations on your successful maintenance too!

thank u

First I'ld like to say thank you for being brave enough and honest to share your story.  I am preop and need truth of the real monsters in the closet.  Second, I think most of us have an eating disorder of some kind or another.  Seeking help is key.  Third, you are doing so many things right in the big picture of things.  Keep fighting 'her'.  My prayers are with you.