My boyfriend...

I completely agree with you. 

I had a few dates with a guy who was as smoker, he offered to quit as long if/when we become 'an item"..- he did not have the drive to quit that for himself - indicated to me different values and important thing.

Met a guy who was so MO and out of shape that he could not walk more that 2 blocks... 

On my journey - I want to be with someone who loves himself enough to take care of himself.  

We can't predict the future - who and why get really sick as we age, but I need to know that the person I am with loves himself and his health at least as much as I do. And that he will do his best to remain healthy and active. 

Your story scared me for minute because this is almost my exact story. I dated my (husband) ten years ago, he was heavy then but had lost a considerable amount of weight when we reunited two years ago and so had I. We discovered he has diabetes a year ago and he was on the shot, but is now on pills, he was already on blood pressure medication. So, here we are with me having had gastric bypass (I'm eating purposefully) he's not a bread eater but he's a sweets eater and I watch him consume alot of sugar in the form of candy bars, ice cream, milkshakes etc...he will eat an entire pizza alone as well (medium). It pains me to see him doing this to himself considering he lost 2 uncles suddenly and without warning due to complications from high bp and diabetes. They weren't even 60 yet, had never been hospitalized and they both died during their 1st hospitalizations ever. He's only 37 and is already battling these horrible diseases. I don't know what to do to convince him to do better. He doesn't allow me to accompany him to his doctor's visits so I can tell his physician about his destructive behavior. I love him and I don't want to lose him the way we lost his uncles.

I met my husband when I was eighteen and we were married when I was twenty one. We were married for forty years. Those years were filled with love, fights, sadness, joy, peace, arguments, health, sickness, adventure, boredom. The day after he died, I attended my nephew’s wedding. I remember thinking as they said their vows that no young person realizes what in sickness, in health, for better, for worse, until death do we part really means.

He was the all-state football star, I was the class valedictorian. He liked to cook, drink beer, smoke, dance, play softball, golf, run the track at the park, and host big parties. I liked to study, read any book, attend college, ride roller coasters, swim, walk in the woods, go to Mass, attend plays and lectures, go to museums and art galleries, relax in front of the TV, and bask in solitude.

We had different interests, but both made compromises and learned from the other. I went to football games and nightclubs with him. He went to beaches, amusement parks and museums with me. Sometimes we did things together, other times alone or with other friends. In the beginning we both tried to change the other. With age came the wisdom that change only happens when that person truly wants it.

As a widow, I have dated many men. Each of them have qualities that I find attractive. Each have qualities that do not appeal to me. I have definitely confused them. I do not want another husband, but I have found a special person to love and care about. Just like in marriage, I made allowances, do not try to change the other person and enjoy him for what he is. He gives me the same respect and it works for us.

For me a successful relationship is not reform school.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.  Your relationship sounds a lot like me and my partner (who was killed by a drunk driver in 1999).  

He was a runner and tri-athlete, but I haven't run since I was a kid (and didn't even like it then!).  He hated musicals (so I went with friends instead); he went rock climbing with friends since I found it terrifying. Together, however, we enjoyed hiking, whitewater rafting, cookouts or card nights with friends, movies at home on the couch with popcorn, and volunteering with the local animal shelter.  As you said, it was sometimes about compromise (I wouldn't run with him, but I loved going to his races to cheer him on) and it worked for us.  

I am so sorry that you went through that. Losing a partner through breakup or divorce is so different than losing them through death. They are not leaving by their choice or because they no longer care to be with you. They are snatched away from us with no say so in the matter.

When I started dating again, I found that divorced men often had a lot of unresolved anger towards their ex. Widowed men usually talked fondly of their ex. Divorced men recalled the fights and sad times, widowed men would talk about the good times in their former relationship.

When we became a couple, my boyfriend removed all pictures of his deceased wife from his home. He wanted to make me more comfortable. I told him that she was part of his life and that it did not bother me to have her pictures out. Now he has some pictures of her out and I have pictures of my husband on display in my home.

What I want in this relationship is companionship, a sexual partner, and a person who cares for me and does what he can to make my life happier and better. What I give is companionship, sexual satisfaction, and anything I can do to make his life happy. We comfort each other when things go wrong and celebrate when things are good. There is no judgment, no condemnation, no fighting, no ultimatums, and no fear of being deserted.

When you adopt a pet, you know that it is almost guaranteed that one day they will no longer be with you. Most of us are going to outlive our pets. We still adopt them, love them, and make their lives the best that we can. Reality tells me that my relationship will end someday, most likely because one of us will die, but possibly because we will decide we no longer want to be together.

I cannot control the future, but I can make the best of the present.

You know what Nik?  I'm just SO happy that you found someone you love so much.

You're in a difficult situation.  Since none of us are you, and none of us are him, I personally think that just about all we CAN do is listen to you vent, and let you know we're here.

Knowing you (at least over the interwebz) for a few years, I'm pretty sure you're gonna find out exactly the right way to handle this.  You got this.  Even if you at this exact moment it doesn't *feel* like you do.

amy