OK, this has been bugging the heck out of me for a couple of days so I want to confess.

I was at a meeting with a group of colleages, all of who have known me before and after RNY.  During the meeting, a morbidly obese client, not in attendance, was mocked.  I am ashamed to say that I did not say anything. 

What REALLY bothers me though, is that I started reflecting, and realized that this same type of conversation has happened many, many times over the years, and not only did I not say anything then, I chuckled along with them.  What in the world makes them, and formerly me, think this is an OK behavior?  Does pointing out someone else's flaws make us any better?  Did laughing at a morbidly obese person make me less fat?  Did it somehow hide the fact that I was morbidly obese?

Just thinking about it makes me ill.  It's just mean spirited and cruel.  And though I never made the jokes, laughing at them was just wrong.

You can bet that the next time this comes up, and it undoubtedly will, I will not keep silent.  I am hereby appointing myself defender of the morbidly obese.  Boo-Yah!

I hear you....  The only person I joke about - if the guy I work with for last 19 years..  but that is payback..  and a good motivator for him... - But I do it to his face...  and don't let anyone else make jokes about that... 

Good for you for deciding not to let it fly next time it happens.  

I over-heard a few comments, but especially remember the stares.  By far the most painful was over-hearing my own mother.  Harsh.

I know too well about the "mother thing"!  What is worse, is that she is MO too! Can anyone say "Hi pot!  I'm kettle"

And now that I am 175 lbs, she had declared me "good" and that I "shouldnt lose anymore."

Whatever.

I think it's really sad that there are so many people out there that think it's okay to pick on anyone that doesn't conform to society's cookie cutter ideals. Fat-shaming is a ridiculous notion - that by shaming obese people, it will snap them out into changing their lives. If this technique worked, we wouldn't be seeing a rise in obesity rates worldwide. Because people think " they did it to themselves" or some nonsense along these lines, this  gives others license to mock and judge. 

Sometimes, because we have lived with the a lifetime of shame and guilt, we tend to internalize the same negative thoughts towards the fat and obese (including ourselves), and apply it to us and others. Even when we don't consciously believe it, we still retain in our subconscious all of the negative things we have heard others say about fat people, all the misinformed, cruel remarks and all the ugly things we told ourselves too. And after we lose  the weight, we end up still holding on to the shame and guilt, so when situations like this arise, it's hard to stand up and defend others because we haven't really shed the shame and guilt we internalized. 

I think it's awesome that you've decided to take a stand next time this happens in your office. It hope it means you are starting to let go of some of the shame and guilt you held on to for being obese, and starting to find acceptance and forgiveness for your former self. 

I hear you. It's so hard to break old habits. And sometimes I don't speak up about things because I'm so shocked (in the moment) that I don't know what to say. I'm part of a wonderful movement called Stop the Beauty Madness -- all about people (especially women) standing up for themselves and feeling good no matter how large (or small, since it works both ways) they are. Here's the link. http://www.stopthebeautymadness.com/

Enjoy, and don't be too hard on yourself. We're all human.

Hugs --

Joan

I think the most hurtful comments come from my dad - who is just as overweight as I am.

But I think the worst sneaky thing that ever happened to me was when I was having my second pacemaker put in. I am a person with small, rolling veins so the doctor was impatient and decided to just do a femoral stick and start an IV that way in the procedure room. I was supposed to be under sedation so I was laying there waiting for the sedation to take effect. He started by injecting lidocaine into the site and I heard him talking as he worked. He opened the pacemaker placement, was talking about the massive amount of scar tissue, then after cutting for a while tried to pull it out. He grabbed it with hemostats, locked on and was pulling so hard, I grabbed the table to provide resistance. After the game of tug of war, he started cutting some more. He then said " the fat old cow must have gained weight since she had this put in, she's huge!" As he was cutting and talking about how huge I was he cut into an area that had not been numbed and I said "Ouch!"

"You can hear me?" He sounded shocked.

"Yes"

He poked the area where he had been cutting "You can feel that?"

"Yes"

"Give her more sedation!"

I didn't feel anything different but I heard a discussion going on and the decision was made to give "the fat cow" some more lidocaine. He kept cutting and finally got the old pacemaker out and the new one in.

I fired that doctor.

I am so sorry that happened to you.  

That's horrible and so extremely unprofessional. 

Of course, I always think of what I should have done but in this case, I think that not only would I fire him, I would write a nice letter to the Hospital Administrator where your surgery was done, tell him or her everything you remember of that surgery, all of the docs comments, and mail it, return receipt to both the Administrator and the surgeon.  On the surgeon's copy, at the bottom, I would write "cc: Hospital Administrator, Legal File.

Let the good surgeon stew on that one.