So my mom landed for my wedding yesterday (with my most favored little sister) and it has already been "fun."  So much fun, I remember why I generally keep an entire country between us.

My Mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. If we werent blood relatives and "war buddies" (my dad was killed when I was 12), I dont think I would even like her or be friends.

My mom has always let me know that I was : a) a surprised unplanned pregnancy (despite being married for several years) b) her "biggest" (not oldest) child.  She was very good at directing what should be done..and when I did it change her mind afterward. A case in point..get good grades to get to college to get the high paying job..and then wonder why I got to work all the time. She fails to understand that higher wages come with higher responsibility. But this went from studying, college major, grad school, hair color, spouse selection.

Despite being MO for the majority of her adult life, she loved to diminish my accomplishments (like student of the year in grad school) by following it up with "Yes, but you are F.A.T." (she would spell it).

 

So knowing that she WILL never be happy with what I do/decide (including spouse selection. He is a great guy..but he is "not a money maker" so therefore is unworthy. Compare to my sister who has the "moneymaker". My mom finds him "gone all the time" (because he is off making money) and rather unfriendly (because he doesnt have the time and patience to play her head games))>

 

So my mom has pushed for this surgery for YEARS. I finally did it because it is what I WANTED. I lost the weight.  She takes one look at me and asks if I am sick. Do I feel sick. I better not lose anymore weight.  Did I know I have a hatchet face?  Do people call me hatchet face?

 

I KNEW that it was coming...I Knew it. So I have prepared. I have prepared by having my body fat percentage determined (17-20.1...that is fit college athlete to fit average person level...not sickly..not anerexic) and straight out asking my surgeon.  My surgeon pointed out that people have these negative reactions because they remember me fat, and see that I have lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. It does not compute in their minds. Alternatively, if a stranger met me on the street today, they would think I look "normal."

 

Indeed this MUST be true because my "little" sister brought some of her old clothes for me. We are the same size now. I noted that mom thinks she "looks good" in her outfits. Mom didnt call her "hatchet face"  How can that be if we are the same heighth and the same weight and the same size.

 

So in summary, I am glad I prepared and asked professionals beforehand if I am underweight/look weird. It has really helped in processing the negativity that I have received from loved ones and getting "reality" straight in my mind.   I want my reality where I am thin and healthy and able to run 11 miles nonstop.  I dont want their reality where I am overweight-obese.

 

It also saddens me that the more things change the more they stay the same (I.e. the excessive negativity/being contrary all the freaking time by my mom/the goal post moving by her).  Sometimes I wish I wasnt so emotionally removed from her...but in times like these, I am glad that I am and am not catering to her psychosis.

Happy Holidays. The wedding is in 3 days!!!

I think we have the same mother.  Don't let her get in your head.  You look GORGEOUS and HEALTHY.

 My whole life my mother referred to me as the "heifer"  Yes... my mother thought of me as a cow.  NICE.  I was always compared to my thin, blonde sister (who became a raging alcoholic) and, "Why can't you be more like her?  Look how pretty she is.  If you lost weight, you might be pretty too".  Well, thank God I'm not a thing like my sister.  My life is great.  I have a good husband and a good relationship with my daughter and she has NOTHING.  Not even her good looks.  I am now a good 20 pounds lighter than my sister and my mother now tells everyone that I look like a concentration camp victim.  I am smack dab in the middle of a normal BMI and I think I look DAMNED GOOD for my age.

Best wishes for you on your wedding day.  Don't let ANYONE get you down.  You've earned every ounce of happiness coming to you!

Thanks Rocky!

And you are gorgeous!

I don't think I am too thin either. I am really pleased with the surgery, the mobility and fitness it gave me. I was just comparing the spryness of my mom (who has been heavy the majority of her adult life) to my inlaws (who have had a normal BMI their adult life). You can totally see the difference in mobility between the two.  

Just seeing that alone and how my mom struggles with stairs even after knee replacement was eye opening!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You must know that you are accomplished, healthy, stong and beautiful.  We don't always get the family support system we deserve, but we do get the life we work for.  You have done the work. Congratulations on your wedding, enjoy the moment, and be happy. You and your fiancé deserve it.

Well, thankfully your mother does not live nearby. Just do what you have to do to get through the next few days. Nodding and smiling sometimes works. The people realize I am not listen and usually shut up. Personally, I would tell your mom to keep her comments to herself.

I think all of us look a little gaunt in the face when we are done losing but then it does even out.

Congrats on your wedding!! I hope you and your fiance have a happy life together.

Right on.  Basically I have just been tuning her out/ignoring her. I would like to say the meditation classes have helped. My sister thinks it has helped and has been surprised because I "havent rose to the occasion" (meaning I havent lost my temper...but lord knows, there is a part of me that WANTS to!)

I was so mad when I read your post, I couldn't answer right away and had to wait to take a shower, weigh myself and start dressing.....

so, I am only going to say:

1. This is your journey...you have done so well with so much positivity and joy don't let your mother steal your happiness away.  It sounds as if she has done this all your life and now is the time for her to stop.  You are a smart and mature adult and this is now all about you.  Not all about her

2.  Your wedding day only belongs to you and your future husband and if you have invited others to share your celebration of commitment to each other that is a generous and wonderful thing for you to do.  BUT it is your day, not theirs and you should and will be the centre of the attention, joy and fun....no one else!

3.  Not that it should matter to anyone but you...you look stunning and your dress is GORGEOUS and when you walk down the aisle you will be so proud and happy.....you are creating a new family unit and congratulations to both of you!!

joan

Thank you!  This is right on!

 

TOmorrow is the big day!  Today is nails and rehersal (sp)! Yay!  My aunt and cousin is here and we have hauled out "Beer Barrel Polka"  :)

 

I can hardly wait to get married!!!

Wow!  That is so awful!  I'm not sure what a "hatchet face" is but by your pics you have up, its not what I would picture.  No one should ever treat their children like that.  I know as a Mom sometimes I say things and then wonder if it was right, but I would never dream of telling my kids that they are ugly, fat or not as pretty as the other ones.  That is just mean.  I try to encourage them to play on their strengths and use them to their advantage because they are all different (the oldest 2 are polar opposites as one is overweight and extrememly smart and the other one is athletic, skinny, and struggles with academics)... I am glad to you got advice on how to deal with it and hope that your holidays and wedding is everything you dreamed it would be!

Your family sounds like my family.  My lil sis was the skinny blonde cheerleader/dancer. I was the musically inclined, more accademically (sp) gifted one.

I am glad you dont compare your kids. Trust me....they are doing it themselves.