Explaning Why I Need This To My Family...

sumaire
on 8/31/15 7:08 am

...who completely do not understand.

I've been trying to explain to my 32 year old daughter why I need this surgery, but she has said that she thinks I should just diet and that I'll lose the weight without surgery. Her suggestion for dieting is eating the tiny amount of food you can have post-RNY and that my stomach wiol "adjust" to the food intake changes.

I think she's wrong about that, but she's stubborn (and could also stand to lose a considerable amount of weight, but I don't want to get into THAT kind of an argument - much less ANY argument with her).

Does anyone here have any wise and intelligent-sounding suggestions for how I should discuss this with her? We share a house, so it's not as though we can really avoid each other (and who wants to avoid their kids, really?)

I really need some here here.

Thanks!

Roux en Y on 10/27/2016

HW 300 SW 284 CW 158 (4-26-2018)

lynnc99
on 8/31/15 7:36 am

Well, let's start by getting my snarky answer out of the way. Where did your daughter go to medical school? Maybe she'd like to provide a link to her most recent research studies on morbid obesity. 

Sorry. I just had to say it. 

Now I'll move on.

My surgeon was very clear in telling me at one of my first consultations that the ONLY proven long term effective treatment for morbid obesity is bariatric surgery. Diets have failed us time after time and year after year. 

My primary care doc was all about recommending me for surgery. He knew the risks I faced if I continued to see my weight spiral upward. 

Your daughter's recommendation is one that parallels what you have probably tried before in that it would mean eating a very low calorie, high protein diet. But without the tool of surgery, you would be ravenously hungry and there is almost no likelihood that it would be a sustainable way for you to eat. You've dieted before - we all have. I lost weight by eating the high protein Atkins diet, but the moment I started to eat more normally, I regained all the weight and more. (Not effective in the long term.) I ate a very low calorie diet on one plan, followed a liquid protein diet on another, etc. etc. etc. - and some of these were effective in the short term but not sustainable. 

Also, when it comes to morbid obesity, our metabolism isn't on our side. The psychological side of eating isn't on our side. This is a lot more than a diet alone can fix. At this point, we seek help from a full array of bariatric specialists - the surgeon, of course, and your primary care doc. A nutritionist or dietitian. A support group. A psychologist. For me, a personal trainer. Accountability and commitment like you've never seen before. 

Her suggestion is akin to offering tylenol to a person with cancer. (Probably a bad analogy but hopefully you get what I mean.) 

Ask her to do some research or even to come with you to a doctor's appointment to help her become educated. She is probably just afraid - many loved ones are. But ultimately it's YOUR decision and YOUR life. 

Wishing you all the best!

 

sumaire
on 9/29/15 9:42 pm
On August 31, 2015 at 7:36 AM Pacific Time, lynnc99 wrote:

Well, let's start by getting my snarky answer out of the way. Where did your daughter go to medical school? Maybe she'd like to provide a link to her most recent research studies on morbid obesity. 

Sorry. I just had to say it. 

Now I'll move on.

My surgeon was very clear in telling me at one of my first consultations that the ONLY proven long term effective treatment for morbid obesity is bariatric surgery. Diets have failed us time after time and year after year. 

My primary care doc was all about recommending me for surgery. He knew the risks I faced if I continued to see my weight spiral upward. 

Your daughter's recommendation is one that parallels what you have probably tried before in that it would mean eating a very low calorie, high protein diet. But without the tool of surgery, you would be ravenously hungry and there is almost no likelihood that it would be a sustainable way for you to eat. You've dieted before - we all have. I lost weight by eating the high protein Atkins diet, but the moment I started to eat more normally, I regained all the weight and more. (Not effective in the long term.) I ate a very low calorie diet on one plan, followed a liquid protein diet on another, etc. etc. etc. - and some of these were effective in the short term but not sustainable. 

Also, when it comes to morbid obesity, our metabolism isn't on our side. The psychological side of eating isn't on our side. This is a lot more than a diet alone can fix. At this point, we seek help from a full array of bariatric specialists - the surgeon, of course, and your primary care doc. A nutritionist or dietitian. A support group. A psychologist. For me, a personal trainer. Accountability and commitment like you've never seen before. 

Her suggestion is akin to offering tylenol to a person with cancer. (Probably a bad analogy but hopefully you get what I mean.) 

Ask her to do some research or even to come with you to a doctor's appointment to help her become educated. She is probably just afraid - many loved ones are. But ultimately it's YOUR decision and YOUR life. 

Wishing you all the best!

 

Thanks. As I said in an earlier reply, I'm just going to have to take her along on one of my trips to the doctor.

As it is, Anthem Blue Cross are dragging their asses about approving me for surgery. They want me to produce non-existent medical records from before I had medical insurance so they can see my weight history.

So at this point, I'm looking at probably early next year before I am scheduled, which is just plain annoying.

I joined a website where I could track my food intake and calories/nutrients, but found that the people on their forums apparently think GPS is the devil and "the easy way out". They don't seem to get it at all.

The happy news is that I've gone down 19 pounds since I made my original post here, so that's good.

Roux en Y on 10/27/2016

HW 300 SW 284 CW 158 (4-26-2018)

peachpie
on 8/31/15 7:40 am - Philadelphia, PA
RNY on 04/28/15

I'm confused-- you're the mother- shes the daughter. Why do you feel you need her approval? Just as if the scenario was reversed and she was seeking surgery-- she doesn't need your approval. Sure its nice for our family to *support* us-- but we know all to well in this arena its basically all or nothing when it comes to support. I'm sorry your daughter is choosing the latter-- but now you need to choose whats best for your life!

I don't think you can change her mind-- but maybe if she goes to a support group meeting, or an orientation session with a surgeon she'll think better of it. You don't have to avoid each other, but I don't think she's going to be your cheerleader either. 

One of the best thing i ever did was *NOT* tell my mother about the surgery until 3 days before going in. At that point I was so committed I refused to let her negative Nancy ways sway me.  

5'6.5" High weight:337 Lowest weight:193/31 BMI: Goal: 195-205/31-32 BMI

sumaire
on 9/29/15 9:39 pm
On August 31, 2015 at 7:40 AM Pacific Time, peachpie wrote:

I'm confused-- you're the mother- shes the daughter. Why do you feel you need her approval? Just as if the scenario was reversed and she was seeking surgery-- she doesn't need your approval. Sure its nice for our family to *support* us-- but we know all to well in this arena its basically all or nothing when it comes to support. I'm sorry your daughter is choosing the latter-- but now you need to choose whats best for your life!

I don't think you can change her mind-- but maybe if she goes to a support group meeting, or an orientation session with a surgeon she'll think better of it. You don't have to avoid each other, but I don't think she's going to be your cheerleader either. 

One of the best thing i ever did was *NOT* tell my mother about the surgery until 3 days before going in. At that point I was so committed I refused to let her negative Nancy ways sway me.  

My mother is supporting of my having the surgery, oddly enough. She just wants to see me healthy.

At this point, I've also been diagnosed with a hiatal hernia, so that's also going to have to be addressed.

I'm thinking that at some point, I'll drag her to the surgeon's office, and he can answer whatever questions she may have on the subject.

 

:)

Roux en Y on 10/27/2016

HW 300 SW 284 CW 158 (4-26-2018)

phibbmom
on 8/31/15 7:42 am

My family was divided.  My husband and older daughter really wanted me to have the surgery.  My youngest really didn't want me to have the surgery and thought I could do it on my own.  I explained to her that I have tried to do it on my own . . . even going as far as getting a personal trainer and diet plan.  My blood sugar was 350 almost every day and I was on metformin.  I still had it done.  My younger daughter is now so glad that I had the surgery.  She told me it really turned her around once she saw how much better I feel and how much healthier I am living.  It is difficult, but you need to do what is best for you.  She will come around.

    

High: 295  Pre-surgery: 267  Current: 142   RNY: 10/7/14

Dcgirl
on 8/31/15 7:44 am - DC
RNY on 12/16/13

I heard someone say that you can't fill a stomach the size of a football with food the size of a tennis ball.  

I had dieted on and off, but it never stuck.  My new pouch is the tool I needed to help me to lose 200 lbs.  I could have NEVER done it on my own.  Now, even almost 2 years out, I can eat considerably more and if I graze or eat carb slider foods, I could easily eat my way back to obesity.  It's a daily struggle, but having a stomach where I eat 4 oz of chicken and I am full, is the only way I can be successful (and I am not out far enough to even be a vet yet).  I was fortunate that everyone supported me, but even if they hadn't, I would not have cared.  Obesity would have put me in a wheelchair (bad knees) and eventually killed me, while also making me miss out on SO many activities and experiences.  

Hands down, RNY was the BEST thing I have ever done for ME in my life.  I say eff the haters and do what you need to do to live a long and healthy life!  You can find a lot of support on here, and people who have faced the same struggles and issues.  

alouisa63
on 8/31/15 7:55 am - Farmington Hills, MI
VSG on 07/30/15

My mom lives with me and at the very beginning was against my surgery.  She too is overweight and understands the struggles of dieting but still had major reservations about the surgery.  I explained each step I was going through and would reinforce the pros of the surgery.  Ultimately mom did come around and has been very supportive (not that that would have mattered much, I'm pretty strong willed and would have done it regardless!).  I think one of her main concerns was how we would eat after the surgery since I do the cooking.  We got her set up on two months of Nutrisystems while I was doing pureed and relearning how to eat (so I didn't have to cook for her!!).  She's lost 15#!  This weekend I did actually cook - she LOVED Eggface's Baked Ricotta and I made zucchini noodles - even bragged about it on Facebook.  So I had surgery and now Mom is losing weight! :)

 

Long story short - YOU are the one that needs to be happy and healthy.  Maybe your daughter is afraid of complications you could have.  Talk to her and DO IT!!

 

Starting Weight 375  SW 375 Height 5'9" 

Rae293
on 8/31/15 12:19 pm

My Mom and I share a home too.  She is 82 losing her eyesight, deals with blood clots, and is overweight, too.  She is fearful for me.  I am her care taker and she is afraid of what will happen to her if something were to happen to me.  I reassure her that it will be ok.  In the long run, I think she wants what's best for me and will support me.  I like the idea of using NutriSystem for preparing her meals.  It will be very different trying to prepare meals for both of us.

 

Oh BTW, I havent had the surgery yet.  I just found out today that it is scheduled for 10/5/15.

alouisa63
on 8/31/15 12:38 pm - Farmington Hills, MI
VSG on 07/30/15

Congrats on getting a date!  We bought mom a gift card at Costco for Nutrisystems so it saved a bit of money (and you can use more than one card per order!!)  

Mom's will be moms and worry.  The only thing I could do was show her how this would ultimately be better for both of us and now she's 1000% behind me :)

 

Starting Weight 375  SW 375 Height 5'9" 

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