The musings of an Eighth Grader... or whatever you want to call me.

So, I'm almost 15 months out from surgery. The highest weight recorded was 260, and I am now sitting between 136.4 and 138.2 (not that I'm obsessive at all with weight... ). I'm 52 yo, and I'm 5'5" tall.

My initial goal was 150, putting me at a 'normal' BMI, but I quickly lowered it down to 145, for comfort sake. As I got closer to goal, and after learning SO MUCH around here from the VETS, I pushed for 140, and attained that. I'm now looking at 133 as my next (final?) goal.

I finally landed on OH, as opposed to the other two boards I found online because of the VETS here, and their stringent dedication to low carb eating. I knew, from past experience, that low carb worked well for my body, and that if I did indeed keep sugars/carbs at bay, my cravings stayed away as well.

When I started on this journey, I would read some of the posts and be put off by how hard-lined some people were... after all, I WAS DIFFERENT... and I was going to do it my way... and I did try from time to time to just throw caution to the wind... but then I'd stall, or I'd have a slow few weeks... so I'd pull my panties out of the wad I had them in, and I'd get back to the basics... and I got to goal, and not just any goal, but a healthy goal (shoot for the stars folks, you can always gain it back, we all know how to do that!)

But you know what? NOW, the biggest issue is that I'm afraid of that regain! I WANT to eat in moderation... after all, I was raised Catholic... it's practically the way of Catholicism to do all in moderation! But what I'm finding is that, as I 'allow' more moderation to happen, the cravings come with them... I have an eating disorder... I can't be that good Catholic and eat and drink whatever I want, in moderation, and expect to hold myself where I am.

The further out I have gone, the SO MUCH HARDER it is to stay on track... the BRAIN really messes things up.

I'm so glad I stayed hard on myself as I lost... because I am still convinced that if I can hold a lower weight for a period of time, that it'll help my success for the long-term. I have no science to back this up, and it's probably just my 8th grader mind set talking, but it's how I feel.

So, what am I trying to say here? I have no clue... but I often find myself musing over how my mindset has changed over the past year... those first few months, I was so certain that I didn't need to be as strict as so many around here said I needed to be... I was going to do it 'my way' - oh, and I still am, no bones about that - but I feel VERY positive that had I not gleaned the knowledge from those that came before me, I wouldn't have attained the weight loss that I have - even if I still want to lose a few more pounds...

And while I know there are a lot of people here that don't like hearing what the VETS have to say, I gotta tell you, listen. The carbs early out are not going to stop your loss... they won't. You'll lose whether you eat the cream of wheat or not... you can have those mashed potatoes during your mushy food stage, and you'll still lose... but you know what? In 8 months, that spoonful of mashed potatoes, that only had 'a couple of carbs' will not satisfy you... you'll need 1/2 cup of them, to go with the 4 ounces of meat and veggies, and after dinner ****tail or scoop of ice cream... and suddenly those couple of carbs turns into 100+ a day. And the carbs will keep water weight on you at first... then it'll turn into fat, and suddenly your body will store that **** Then you'll gain a few pounds, but your brain will justify that (after all, Suzie in the office next to you just told you you're looking too thin! it's all good)... and you may or may not hit goal - a healthy goal - not some easy to attain number your doctor appoints to you (go for the gold!)... but you won't keep it off... because the carb monster will have taken over, and your brain will be tired of 'eating on plan' and it will justify why it's OK to have that twix bar on a Saturday afternoon (OK, maybe that part was only MY brain).

So during my journey, I've had two of my best friends do this with me. One, a Bariatric nurse, started 5 months before me... she was around 275/ 5'6" tall. She did amazing! She was my beacon of light! She got into working out... seriously working out... she now has her teaching certificate and teaches a couple of classes several days a week. She works out 3-4 times a DAY on her days off... she is a workout queen! (And I still feel inferior to her because I just don't like working out!). We met for lunch this week... as we are sitting there, she tells me she's gained 13 pounds back (I could tell she had gained some back). She drinks smoothies, protein shakes, and has completely allowed breads and sweets back into her life. SHE WORKS OUT PROBABLY 15-20 TIMES A WEEK!! It scared the bejeezus out of me! I'm not perfect. No way, no how... but I do still measure (she has stopped), and I'm still at probably 80% compliance with my diet. BUT WHERE WILL I BE IN 5 MONTHS?

This is hard **** especially after that ONE YEAR mark!

My other friend had the VSG in October of this year... she is much shorter, 5'2", and started out at somewhere around 255... she is now around 160, but not thin. She called me the other day asking about diet pills, and could 'we' use them... when I told her I wasn't sure, but probably just portioning out meat and cheese and eating that - instead of donuts and cakes for breakfast, then skipping lunch, and just having ****tails for dinner - it might help. She didn't like my answer. Her goal had been 125, and now she's saying she doesn't want to be thin... I know she's lying to me and herself.

That means that I am sitting between my two best friends, one who I was certain would be successful, and I'm watching them both struggle. I'm struggling too. THIS IS NOT EASY.

My eighth grade mind is really having a hard time with this! It was so easy in the beginning (even though I remember it not being so), and the further out you get, it gets so much harder! Then, I come here and I see brand new people not eating the best that they can... and you know what? All that fear I have about Myself gets directed towards them! How can they waste such precious time indulging in foods that they will have later on? Because, we all end up not 100% compliant... I believe that. But why start off being so easy on yourself early, when it's only going to get harder down the road? I'm so scared of what years 3-5 will be like! I want to go back to those first 8 months, when I couldn't possibly eat enough to truly make a difference! I'm mad at all of you freshly-out-of-surgery folks that are only using your tool to lose, and not your brain!! Damnit, your tool won't get you to goal all by itself... you need your brain too! Because your freaking brain will turn on you as more time passes... you can't count on it forever. It didn't work for us before surgery, and it won't after, not forever.

I'm scared. I LOVE THE WAY I LOOK! Call it vain, call it whatever you want... but it is what it is... and I LOVE that I can do things that I couldn't do before... and I love that I am the healthiest I've been in a long long time... what if I mess this up, and that all gets taken away from me again? How freaking sad that would be?

It's so hard being an eighth grader... we think we know it all, but then deep inside, we're really just elementary school kids with big egos...

I wanna be a first grader again...

Hi, I'm 6 (or at least that's what Mr. Fluffy maintains). This is SUCH a great post. Thank you for taking the time to write and post. Saving to my hard drive so the next time Fluffy nudges me in the middle of the night and suggests it is time for a snack of Lays and onion dip, I will counter with your post!

Great post, Pammieanne.

Preach it.

I really didn't mean to preach to anyone so much as I needed to get some of this off of my chest.

This is hard **** Kat!

But then, you already know that

Thank you for putting up with us 8th graders, we're a lost group that just want to belong somewhere, but we neither fit with the elementary kids, nor the high schoolers! We're stuck in the middle struggling to group up on the right path

Middle school- those are some rough years...

Awesome post. Exactly how I feel.

First- I want to say "The Brain is a liar"- (from Maryann)

The struggle is real. You are so right when you say in the beginning you can have the occasional 100 calorie english muffin half (guilty!) or have cream of wheat on mushie stage (Yup it was on my list) and still lose weight. Hit one year mark and for some even sooner, and it gets real!

Second- as someone who has had skin removal surgery I am going to say your skin is a liar too. You may think you need to lose another 5 or 10lbs, but what you are looking at maybe skin. The day I had my LBL when you look at the before pic it looks like I needed to lose 30-40 more pounds. He took off a total of 4 1/2 pounds and said it was all skin- no fat, no LIPO needed. Think about that. Maybe you are at the weight you need to be and need to consider changing your mindset to maintenance. That being said, Maintenance is hard. harder than losing and I am still figuring it out.

Third- I do not do this perfectly, but that is why I NEED OH and all the of you. Daily. I do not have the luxury of putting my mind on vacation from this. Yes I had a giant delicious Chocolate chip cookie at the BBQ Saturday. Enjoy it if you chose it, and then move on. I am a daily weigher, as for me that is the proverbial 'not putting my head in the sand'...have to face the music daily and deal. I know some can't do that, but it works for me.

And YES! to loving yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving the non scale victories as well as the scale victories and the clothes we can wear... and not worrying about the airline seat...the list goes on and on...

You are doing this, you can do this...and I have total confidence in you Pammieanne ....

So, I have also been pondering this whole 'maintenance' thing... and I know you're right... there is a (BIG) part of me that's afraid to say I'm in maintenance... because what if that gives myself permission to do something different than I am doing??

What if I decide maintenance is here... and I gain??

Sigh... I don't really see too much 'fat' per say... I see a fear of an ending... maintenance is a whole new beginning, and I don't know how to make that step there. I keep thinking if I lose a 'few' more pounds, then I'll have that much more cushion when I screw things up... that's probably not the way to approach maintenance, is it?

Wow. That's just crazy when you think about it, isn't it?

Thank you for having more confidence in me than I seem to have in myself over this whole thing! LOL

Change your mindset and see what happens. Focus on maintaining- which is a battle all it's own, rather than thinking about losing.

For most of us, I believe we have a maintenance 'range' For me I say +/- 165. Which is actually 163 to 167. Of course I prefer to be at the low end....because that is how our stupid brains work. I consider 170 and over my 'oh crap zone'.

I did pretty well from last August to Christmas staying at 165/166. Then when my son and family came at the holidays - after they left I was bouncing in and out of my 'oh crap' zone. up to even 172-175... and hanging there too long. Finally beginning of May I put my big girl panties back on and went very low carb (My usual being hanging in the 50ish range on a good day, occasionally higher.) Didn't cut calories a lot and 10lbs came off in 2 weeks. I consider myself a human experiment...always trying to see what makes a difference. While the rules are pretty rigid in the losing stage, I find what works for people in terms of carbs, calories etc...varies greatly in Maintenance. That is part of the challenge.

In April after I had joined the gym, and I was pontificating on how I was at a high weight...and I've never maintained in my life...I don't know how to do this....blah,blah,blah...the trainer stopped me...looked at me straight in the eyes and said- You ARE maintaining. You know that, right? RIGHT? That was a turning point for me from a normies eyes... even normal people fluctuate.

The brain...the brain, can't live without it :)

Thank you for this wisdom! I needed it today!