On this episode of As the Stomach Turns.......

on 10/21/20 11:51 am

So the saga continues with the quest to get insurance in place so I can get my meds. The husband's insurance is done. I have no options to get back on that plan until open enrollment 2021. My insurance is working with me to get me on but they are going to have to discharge me and rehire me in order for the paperwork to match. This opens up a whole new can of worms for me because I have several years of seniority and I will lose that on paper which will affect how I accrue my benefits. At this time I am still losing weight, slowly. I am happy about that but I really think that it is more stress that is helping than anything else. My stomach is in constant knots worrying. Things with the husband are very strained on my part. He is overly attentive and trying to act like nothing is wrong but in reality, I am at a crossroads with him and our marriage. He even had the nerve to suggest we have a baby NOW. That is just another way for him to try to control me. I guess he forgot I have no insurance and I told him he doesn't have enough money in the bank to pay medical bills associated with pregnancy. He is on a business trip until next Tuesday and I have seriously thought of leaving every morning as I get ready for work. The urge to run and just be done is overwhelming because I am seeing so many things in our marriage that apparently I was blind to before.

I started some research Tuesday night about surgery in Mexico and paying cash. I have some 401k money I could pull out and use but I really do not want to do that. I could apply for care credit and I know I would be approved but if I am going to move on from this marriage I really need to save money that would go for payment on surgery. I was going to try White Dove's suggestion and just let it go but it seems to be eating me up more than I expected. Am I an idiot or what........

on 10/21/20 12:01 pm
RNY on 02/14/18

I am a singleton so don't have a personal frame of reference but if it were me, I'd focus on getting out of his control and getting yourself set up independently and then focus on your WLS journey. There's a lot of work that goes into the head part and it might be hard to do that well dealing with all you are dealing with. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking at all your options. Depending on what your seniority benefits are and especially with some companies aligning severance to seniority, knowing what the economy is like, you may want to balance a year of cash pay for medical with the terminate and rehire impact.

good luck to you while you work it all out. It's a tough spot you are in!

HW: 306 SW: 282 CW:144.8 GW: 145 (reached 2/6/19), next goal - 132.9


on 10/21/20 2:18 pm
VSG on 06/11/18

+1 for "There?s a lot of work that goes into the head part and it might be hard to do that well dealing with all you are dealing with."

And regardless of when you do it, I think it would be better to go to Mexico and pay for it yourself rather than risking your seniority and benefits.

White Dove
on 10/21/20 2:36 pm

Getting weight loss surgery is not a life-threatening emergency. Don't spend your 401K funds and don't use credit. Just wait until you have insurance coverage. It is upsetting about the seniority issue, but that is part of the price you are paying for your husband's screwup.

If you can stand being around, the longer you stay the deeper he will hurt when you leave. That he is acting like nothing is wrong and wanted to have a baby shows that he is trying to keep you in the marriage. That is position of power that I wanted you to be in. Don't pack up and leave. Do make an appointment with a divorce attorney and get things in order so you get the best settlement out of this.

Also make sure you don't get pregnant before you leave. People make those kind of emotional decisions all the time. Talk to an attorney tomorrow if you can. Make your plan and stick to it. Find a place to live and get a restraining order. You are in a better position to start over than you were the day you found out about this.

Too many people stay in a bad relationship because they are too afraid to start over. The right person is out there waiting for you to be free. I did not think you were ready to walk out when this happened, I do think you are ready now. Stay calm and know that you have the power and the ability to change all of this. He thinks he won the war, he does not know that he won one battle, but the war is still yours to win. What will really hurt him is that there will be no fighting, no screaming, no tears, no apologies, just a confident woman who has made up her mind to control her own destiny.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

Melody P.
on 10/21/20 2:59 pm - TX

Stay strong! My father was very mentally abusive to my mom and very controlling. Later in life he was very manipulative towards me. These kind of men and women never really change. I can't offer any better advice than what has been offered.

the best thing my mom ever did was leave my father before I turned 1. It was really hard on my mom raising two kids on her own. If you were to have a child I believe you'd be in the same situation.

like I said, stay strong and adamant about your health. Hugs!

40 F and 6 foot 1 inches

VSG - 3-14-18 - - - Revision to RNY - 5-29-19

on 10/21/20 4:30 pm
RNY on 02/16/16

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

Quick note on insurance through your employer. You should be able to opt into the insurance available to you without having to be rehired. You should be able to provide a copy of the open enrollment where your husband removed you and have a life event enrollment for loss of coverage.

on 10/22/20 2:19 am
RNY on 01/01/14

We are here for you no matter what you decide.

You could try telling your husband that taking you off his insurance was a deal breaker. If he wants you in the marriage ( sounds like he does) he can try to undo what he did.

A legal, notarized affidavit giving a valid-sounding excuse ( emotional distress of some sort - the stress of a close relative being ill, his suddenly losing emotional stability if he his insurance already knows he has a documented psychiatric history , even Covid related worries and depression will probably be enough to get you safely back in his insurance and on the fastest track to surgery without risking your seniority or having to deplete your retirement savings for something insurance will pay for. ( trust me you'll be happy to have access to the money later for lil skin surgery fixes after you've lost your excess weight.

He just needs to explain why he wasn't thinking clearly and write that taking you off his insurance was a hasty mistake he deeply regrets and have it signed , notarized and faxed to the insurance company. If they deny it , appeal, but I think these things happen so rarely and are so unusual and self-destructive they will just accept a logical excuse.

In the meantime you will hopefully have a supporter and friend to help on your journey ( if he realizes your trying to get WLS is inevitable and decides to help given your long and close relationship).

If he continues being an jerk you know what to do.

The Grrrlz are right I think- if he's a controlling, manipulative and heartless, ( what's crueler than asking someone you allegedly love to remain unhealthy and unhappy in their very Body ?! ) then he doesn't deserve your time or attention.

Make sure you have sole control over as much financially as you can gather before you make any noises alerting him to the possibility of divorce.

If he goes to a lawyer first the lawyer will advise hime to remove everything from joint savings and investment accounts immediately and put it solely under his own name.

They may still be considered marital assets but possession is 9/10 of the law as they say - and no-one will remove that money from your control until the divorce settlement which can take literally YEARS. This means you can invest it well ( if he has control of it it he might spend it selfishly - you won't know and won't get it back ever if he does ) .

Please protect yourself financially (((())) and also be mindful of your safety. Some men react violently when a breakup is imminent.

Hooray for standing up for yourself and insisting on getting what you need and have worked many years for ! big hug

on 10/22/20 2:21 am
RNY on 01/01/14