looking back on surgery and some TMI

 I had surgery 9 months ago. In the past few weeks, I have come to realize some strange truths about my experience.
1. I followed the presurgery weightloss plan and presurgery instructions to a T. When I got to the hospital the morning of, and weighed in, and got processed in that big room with all the beds in it...I realized that I did all my part and the ball was in someone else's court now, at least for a few days. The IV with sedatives helped. So I just decided to enjoy my hospital bed/gurney in surgery prep, my blankets and utra-stylish traction socks and chill out in my paper gown. It worked. After surgery, when I woke up, I had some unplesant experiences, but knowing I had family and excellent nurses to help me relieved my anxiety. I felt I was "allowed" to be groggy, confused, barfy, etc. I wasn't going to be judged. I just had to sip, walk, rest, etc. 
2. Nowadays, I am 130 pounds lighter than my highest weight. I pass for normal/chunky. I am going to school now, and as I am slowly getting my anxiety under control, I have more responsibilities coming. (I guess this is a sign of improvement, since I was a useless basketcase before surgery for reasons not limited to obesity.) I wasn't in a "place" to be of much use to my husband, where I am a bit more supportive and helpful now now. I hope to have a medical billing job when I am done with school this year. The other day, on a non-school day I had a rare bout of cramping and diahhrea that put me in a panic attack. I thanked my lucky stars it was a non-school day. I didn't have to worry about that when I was a basketcase. 
Although I know I should not ever want to revert back to my old way of living, sometimes I wish I can take a vacation from the constant work of "getting better". I remember my 4 days of walking around the bariatric unit with my flannel robe and  IV pole with fondness for this reason. Anyone else feel this way? 

I am newly sleeved but I think I understand what you are saying.  My real life is so stressful and I am always taking care of something or someone.  It was nice at the hospital to not have to worry about my health or what I was doing because there was always someone there to help me.  It was my first surgery and the first time I let others help me rather than the other way around.  Plus, I didn't have to deal with work and all the stress that brings.

Changes are difficult. For everyone. Some of us handle it better than others. And for some, changes, even positive good change is scary. And when scary happens to us, whether we are fat or thin or somewhere inbetween, our bodies revert to primative reactions -- that flight or fight thing, or the alternative; **** and/or barf on them.

Think about it. When animals are afraid, they either fight, run away, or "get the **** scared out of them" .

It's nature. Panic attacks are our bodys way of telling us something we know -- we are scared.

Losing weight will help build your confidence, but being scared and worried all the time isn't fun either. I hope you can find the support you need to overcome the anxiety. Finding a really good therapist who can give you some alternatives to freaking out ; and a good shrink who can prescribe some meds to help you get a handle on it will also help alot too.

I give you so much credit for posting about how tough it is, hang in there, and don't seek the comfort of the hospital, look toward tomorrow where adventures can be found.