Feeling bad about making husband feel bad

I feel bad about how grumpy I was with my husband this weekend :(  Hopefully by posting this, I'll feel better.

Currently, my husband is in a "eat whatever he wants" period.  From history, I know these periods last from a week to several months.  He doesn't binge eat or anything, he just eats very poorly.  For example, yesterday: Granola bar when he first got up, three large pancakes with lots of syrup and butter for breakfast, a candy bar as a snack, a big sloppy joe with lots of fries for lunch, another granola bar as a snack, some more candy, then turkey mignon with carrots and mashed potatos and bread, then an ice cream drumstick.  Somewhere in there he also had a bag of chips and some more candy.  He's overweight, but nowhere near obese (approx 20 lbs overweight, but over 6 feet tall).

Several things about this type of eating bug me:  I'm jealous- I wish I could eat that much food and not gain much weight.  I'm tempted- some of the food he's having is stuff that I want, but should limit myself on, since I'm still trying to lose weight.  I'm sad- I miss the way I used to eat!  I liked eating junk food, big meals, etc.  I'm mad- doesn't he care about his health?  He says that he wants to be healthy, but he's eating junk!!

I commented about what and how much he was eating, a couple of times this weekend... With the last one being uncalled for and mean.  I apologized, but I still feel bad :(  Afterwards, I told him that it's hard for me right now, and I'm fighting a lot of head hunger which is tempting me to eat bad food (especially things like cadbury eggs and other chocolate).  I think he understands, but it bothers him too.  I know that he misses the way we used to eat together, but he likes that I'm healther.  We've been together for almost 20 years, and we have a history of dieting and eating together. 

I think he'd be ok with me eating on my plan, if I didn't nag him about what he was eating, but it's so hard for me not to nag a little, when I have so many things going on in my head...

I know it's hard, but you probably need to let him live his life. We can't become the food police and we can't expect others to change their lives to suit us forever.

Are you mad because he's eating junk, or are you mad because he CAN eat junk and not become obese? That is pretty annoying, and my hubby is the same way - whatever he wants to eat, he can and it doesn't seem to matter.

I told my husband early on that he could eat whatever he wanted in front of me, that this was my journey and I needed to learn to live in the real world. He's been very supportive and mostly cooks what I can eat, but Papa Johns comes in the house about once a week and he has cornbread with the soup he makes when I don't. He eats a bowl of ice cream a couple nights a week. Has since the beginning. If you can let go of the resentment, I bet you'll find you can get used to it!

I have my own separate cabinet (it has become known in our house as the bariatric cabinet) with edamame, nuts and whatever else that I can have. I schedule these treats as part of my planned eating, but I do have them. He has his own cabinet with snacks I choose not to have. I never go in that cabinet.

You are spot on! 

I am probably mad/annoyed that he CAN eat junk and not becomen obese.  I'm probably also mad that he was able to spend the first 20 years of his life eating double/triple what I ate, and he remained UNDERWEIGHT back then!!  His metabolism didn't start slowing down until he was in his early 20's.

I do need to not let this bother me.  It's my problem, not his *sigh*.  He completely supports me buying whatever bariatric friendly foods I want, no matter the cost (even the spendy Quest bars and protein powders, and my daily latte :) )  He never tries to tempt me on purpose with foods I love, and if I tell him "please don't bring XYZ into the house or eat it in front of me" he's good about it.

 This is my husband, although he's currently in a race with me toget below 200, he isn't even overweight he just likes his weight around 195.  When we were dating we were both in the Army, I struggled to stay below weight and he actually said the words "just eat less" to me while he was eating his 2nd Big Mac.  I alsmost broke up with him then.  I've let it go.  He is him and he has his journey this is mine.  On the whole he's been SUPER suportive of this and from what I've read I'm really lucky to have that.  Though yesterday I did ask him if he realized how much he talks about food.  It's a lot!  So yeah I'd have to say this is your issue not his, but I know that doesn't make it easier.

My husband is much the same... 20 lbs overweight and over 6' tall so it's really not a big deal.  He can eat a lot and not gain... vs me who eats very little and can gain easily at times.

I am doing my journey on my own - and told him so from the start.  But he saw the positive changes in me and wanted to make some positive changes of his own.  He works out several times a week now, eats everything I cook and mostly wants to do low-carb.

But then there's the other side of him... the one who spends a few days or weeks eating much like you describe your hubby eating.  And I go through small spurts of what you're describing you feel too.  I normally don't say too much because I truly feel it's my journey.  But he knows that he adds to my struggle when he brings a DQ Blizzard home and eats it in front of me.  Normally he's very good about this and understands that this is tempting and tough for me so he doesn't do it.  But every once in awhile he does.  And then he proceeds to complain about not being able to lose the 20 extra pounds.  Complains about how he works out hard and still isn't losing much.  And I just want to say "well, duh, honey, it's because you eat like a garbage can sometimes."  Usually I stop myself before I say something stupid, but little things slip out sometimes.

I say all this... because I feel you.  I hear what you're saying and have similar things that go on in my household.  But the longer stretches of time where my hubby is eating with me and like me and splitting restaurant meals with me really help and make up for it.  If he didn't do that, I'd probably be struggling as much as you are with it.  And I would probably say stupid, mean, hurtful things too.

All you can do is keep working through your own struggles.  Apologize to him.  Make sure he hears that it's your journey, but that he is your spouse that you love very much and his influence on you is huge, too.  Some men just need it spelled out plainly for them.  :o)

Good luck. 

OMG. I totally relate. My husband is super human. He's 5'10 and 150 lbs of solid muscle. He can eat ANYTHING he wants. He has been struggling with feeling guilty about eating in front of me since I started the 2 week pre-op diet...but I've told him that he can't just not eat b/c I can't. We have 2 kids and they all have to eat! So he's been trying to do it while I'm napping or in the shower, etc....but last night (I was sleeved on Thurs), he had a humongous bowl of spaghetti for dinner (which was SOOOOO hard to watch even though I can't eat a thing and don't even want to..but I love pasta and then an hour or so later I heard him say "I'm starving!" and was slapping together a PB&J sandwich. I said "gee, I can see why you'd be so hungry after eating that pound of spaghetti earlier" and he got upset b/c he felt bad. So then I felt bad. Ugh. Hopefully when I meet goal and start to maintain, we can have a more normal life....until then, he needs to eat in the closet! LOL

I think that how you are feeling is pretty normal.  It certainly isn't new for me to be jealous of people who seem to eat more than me but stay slim. 

Growing up I was always chubby while my brother was not.  We ate the same food and he often had more than I did even though he was three years younger.  He has just recently started to gain from bad eating and less movement due to a motorcycle accident.  I am in no way happy to see him get heavy...it is just strange.  When I saw him last I thought it looked like he had a pillow stuffed under his shirt.

The weird one for me is I think that I'm getting more judgemental about my husband's size.  He isn't morbidly obese, but in the lower level of obese BMI.  I haven't said anything to him.  What I notice more is when his clothes don't fit right.  It really bugs me when his belly is peeking out the bottom of his tee shirt.  I guess I will just hope that my journey is successful and that he may be motivated to make some changes by it.