New Horizons (Long)

Kevin H.
on 10/24/12 7:07 am - Baltimore, MD
VSG on 02/06/12
I named this Blog after one of my favorite Moody Blues songs.  It seemed fitting as I do some soul searching.  I've been listening to it a lot lately as I find that I am kinda down in the dumps over being alone.  So many of you have a spouse or significant other to help you through this journey and I don't.  I've been alone for 16 months now since my GF and I broke up.  I thought losing weight, fitting into smaller clothes and feeling better would help bring someone into my life, but no luck so far.  But, that is only part of my problem.

Several months ago I sorta gave up.  I guess I'm not the only one that this has happened to.  Most of my life has been like this with many things.  I get super pumped up and give whatever it is I'm into 100% but after after several months .. the steam dies off and I loose interest.  This happened to me again with VSG.

Many of you may remember me from OH forums here where I was EXTREMELY active some months ago.  I think I lived on the computer during my recovery period during the first few months replying to just about every posting on here, giving my 2 cents, watching video's of folks journey on youtube, reading articles, planning my meals, logging everything I ate on myfitnesspal, etc.

Then ... as usual .. the steam died out .. poof ...

It's why I could never loose weight and keep it off .. I would try hard for several months .. then loose all interest.  I really admire the strong willed people on here that never seem to give up .. do everything right .. stick to the plan .. post and read on here everyday .. make their video's faithfully every month .. never slip up ... 
I don't know how you do it .. and you really should be commended for your dedication and willpower.  When I think about you folks, I don't know how you ever got overweight to begin with if you are able to stick to something so faithfully.  I wish I knew your secret on sticking with something for such a long time without fail.

Well, I stopped coming to OH forums.  I stopped counting my food.  I stopped counting my water.  I stopped walking on the treadmill.  I stopped making protein shakes.  I stopped buying the protein drinks from Vitamin shoppe.  I stopped trying ...
I don't want to live the rest of my life counting my damn calories and counting my water.  I just want to live my life .. ya know? Am I the only person that feels like this?  I got tired of logging everything I ate into the computer.  What a pain in the rear that is.  Really ...  it is.

It really shows in my numbers too.  

Month 1: -27.9, Month 2: -17.1, Month 3: -20.2, Month 4: -16.8, Month 5: -11.8, Month 6: -10.8, Month 7: -8.4, Month 8: -7.

While I was having so much trouble with nausea and vomiting due to my gallbladder (which is now gone as of surgery 10/2/12) I was not able to eat dense protein and I was grazing on food that wouldn't make me sick but didn't fill me up either.  While this is true, I feel like it is some kind of excuse for my failure to stay motivated.  I don't want to make excuses.

Just for old times sake, I decided to log my food yesterday in myfitnesspal and sure enough ... it wasn't good.  I had 1,479 calories, 186 carbs and 72 protein.  Lord I can hear all the diet and food guru's gasping for breath right now at this lol.  This included an egg, some scrapple, 16 oz of orange juice (that was a killer on the carbs), some crab soup, Greek yogurt, cereal and some cashews.  I had no water at all .. other then what I mixed with some Crystal Light Ice Tea Mix.

While I certainly don't think this was all that bad for me, I realize that this is why I'm not losing more weight.  (It's not like I ate a Friendly's Ice Cream Sundae with 5 scoops and a whole pizza like I used to.)  It is more of a maintenance range not a loss range as far as the numbers go.  I didn't really have any dense protein to keep me full .. I'm still eating like I have been .. on food that wont fill me up so I'm eating way too much.  

Myfitnesspal says I'm allowed 1,950 calories and 268 carbs daily .. so I do still end up losing weight each month .. however I am far beyond the 600 calories and the 40 carbs that I used to preach to people months ago that they needed to be successful.  

I don't know why I'm writing all of this ... I guess to try and get myself back on track and admit to my lack of motivation. Hopefully it will keep others motivated that may read this to not do what I did.  Lucky for me my restriction is still there.  I can't eat much before I'm full .. but I'm eating often and grazing a lot.  I know what I'm supposed to do .. I just haven't felt like doing it .. to be honest.  I wish I could stay on track like so many of you on here seem to be able to do.  I really just want the surgery to work for me and not have to worry about all these numbers.  Part of me says, "I'm still loosing weight .. who cares if its only 7 lbs a month!  I'll eventually get where I want to be just slowly."  Then another part says, "you know you can do better then this!"

Today has been better.  After seeing the numbers yesterday for the first time in 4 months or so since I've kept track, it made me see that I'm not doing good.  I guess I gave myself the kick in the pants that I needed to start trying harder .. but I wonder how long it will last?  Like always, I'll lose steam and motivation after a while ... Lord, please let me get the rest of this weight off so I can get back to the maintenance plan ha ha.  1500 calories was SOOOO much nicer then 600.  Sigh ... 

Wish me luck!

if you care to hear the song from the title of this blog, here it is:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF2__-K8qFo
 

 
  

Julia HasHerLifeNow
on 10/24/12 7:24 am
VSG on 10/09/12
Kevin...you have lost 135 lbs...you have 70 some to go. You may have lost motivation and focus, but you have done well, so well!!! You still have your tool and yes, even if you only continue to lose at a rate of 7 lbs a month, you will get to goal. But you also still have your tool and you can get remotivated and back on the wagon. Do this for you! You are worth the effort!!!! You know what to do....

View more of my photos at ObesityHelp.com 5ft0; highest weight 222; surgery weight 208; current weight 120

     

    

rhearob
on 10/24/12 7:40 am - TN

Kevin,

First and foremost - Its soo good to hear from you again.  I'm sorry you are feeling demotivated, but glad that you are at least maintaining and not gaining.

i understand what you mean about having someone with you.  I realized on my journey that loneliness was a huge trigger for me.  I dated food more than I dated anyone else.  Food never rejected me, Food never demanded anything from me.  I could have food anytime I wanted it.  It was important for me to work on tools for dealing with the emotional challenges there.

Recently I had my LBL (Oct 3).  Recovering from that I found that I still had a lot of old impulses and habits that I thought I had broken.  Sitting in my recliner recovering, I found myself constantly wanting to graze.  I had become so active during my weight loss phase that I avoided spending a lot of time watching TV and never really dealing with TV as a trigger - I never moved into that deeper level of analysis into why the TV was such a trigger for eating.  I still haven't to be honest - I just went back to avoiding Sitting in the chair watching TV.  IT has helped me recover faster.

You have the power to get back on your old track if you want.  You also have the power to chart your own path, if you are happy with the way things are now.  It doesn't sound as if you are really happy right now.  Be completely honest with yourself - What is it that Kevin wants?

I would encourage you to get back in to real life support groups.  Mine are great to help keep me motivated.  I am certain you will find that your story is helpful to someone in those groups.  I find that in helping others in my groups - I help myself more.  By sharing my journey and hearing others share theirs, I never fail to learn something either about weight loss or about myself.

You may also benefit from some 1 on 1 therapy.  I started as I was transitioning to maintenance.  It has helped me not just with the challenges of maintenance but also in general.  

I am glad you reached out and hope you continue to.  YOu have had so much success, and deserve more.

_____________________________________________________________________
 160 lbs lost. Surgeons Goal Reached in 33 weeks.  My Goal in 37 Weeks.

VSG: 11/2/2011; LBL+Thigh Lift+BL: 10/3/2012; Brach+Mastopexy:  7/22/2013

acbbrown
on 10/24/12 7:45 am - Granada Hills, CA
I cant really say I qualify as one of those people who never give up and stick to the plan and blah blah...but, Ive been on my journey for 2.5 years and I will say, I am still motivated, and determined and I still try.

Why - because when I reached the point where I decided i *needed* WLS - I also decided that I was a big ****** failure at managing my weight and I was going to have to do something different. I wasnt going to cut my stomach out for nothing. So I made a few promises to myself that 99.9% of the time, Ive kept.   I told myself that I was not going to touch my main trigger foods  - for me, that was pizza, and candy. I cannot ever have a moderate amount, so I do not go there. Other than a few select items, fast food falls in that category. And in the 16 months since surgery, I have kept that promise to myself. I also do not buy junk and bring it in my house. Yes, I do eat it - when Im out, when its at work, etc, but it doesnt go in my house. I committed to preparing my food every Sunday for the week. I ***** and moan a lot, and maybe 3-4 times in the last 16 months, I have not done so, but overall, I do. And the absolute most important commitment I made to myself was to track every bite I put in my mouth. I am allowed to eat whatever the hell I want, but it gets logged. This keeps me aware, it keeps me accountable, and more often than not, makes me think twice.

It sounds awful ?? These were the small sacrifices I was willing to commit to in order to live the life I dreamed of. There were so many things I missed out on in my life that I was no longer willing to accept missing out on anymore. Yes, I get tired. I ******g plain straight out hate Sundays. I hate being responsible, I hate making the right choice. It sucks sometimes. A lot of times, I make poor choices. But the reason I keep trying is because the quality of life I want to live is far more important.

My bottom line - I will never give up. I go off track. I have pity parties (quite frequently lately) but I will NEVER GIVE UP. It's not an option. Until you adopt that attitude, then giving up is always the easier solution, and you will. And you will end up where you are at right now.

In life - everyone has their issues they have to deal with - some people are missing limbs , some people have mental illness, some people are alcoholics/drug addicts, and some people are food addicts. If this is my burden in life, there are solutions that will allow me to live a normal life - its not easy, but I learned a long time ago, life isnt easy.

I know im totally rambling - but all this to say - I get it. I understand. You have to decide what is most important to you in your life and go after it.

www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com - my journey to sexy skinny bitch status

11/16/12 - Got my Body by Sauceda - arms, Bl/BA, LBL, thigh lift. 


HW 420/ SW 335 /CW 200    85 lbs lost pre-op / 135 post op
  
~~~~Alison~~~~~

 

geeners22
on 10/24/12 8:14 am - CA
VSG on 10/09/12
Hi Kevin...  Hang in there...  I know how hard it can be doing this journey on your own.  I, too, am a single mom.  No husband, no significant other, just my mom and son by my side.  I have been ok with that though.  When I feel a little lonely, I just think about all that I will be doing soon to meet new people as I embark on this journey to the new me.

We, ourselves, come first.  You will find happiness with someone when you find happiness within yourself.  I know that sounds corny, but it's true..  I am sticking to that theory anyhow..  ;)

Good luck and keep up the excellent work.

geeners22, San Jose, CA   HW: 252   Surgery WT: 241   GW: 135

            
TSinNC
on 10/24/12 8:53 am
VSG on 08/16/12
Hi Kevin,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. You've come a long way, and should be proud of yourself for that.

You are on this journey for yourself. You are the only one with the power to decide where you go from here. You are strong. You can commit to getting back on plan and getting to your goal. Or you can choose not to. Either way, it is a choice that you have to make for yourself and a choice that you will have to live with. 

We are here for you. I second Rob's suggestion of getting back to group or some one-on-one therapy if it might help get you out of your funk. 

Hugs!

fooh.pngTina

Follow my journey at www.TinaRebooted.com  Blog, Recipes, Product Reviews, and more!

   

Pura Vida
on 10/24/12 9:06 am - Costa Rica

Kevin,

 

It took alot of balls to write what you did, and those same kind of balls will get you to goal! It's not how many times we fall down, but how many times we get up. 

Heather

   

    
natalie37
on 10/24/12 9:34 am - Advance, NC
Revision on 03/28/12
Hey Kevin- so good to see you posting again! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time but convince yourself this too will pass!! Focus in your success, get up, dust yourself off and keeping fighting!! We ALL know you can do this!! dang! look how far you've come. Don't look at it as GIVING up... you've taken a break... now, break's over!! Get back on the bus!! Set some small attainable goals- say lose 2 lbs. this week and go from there!! Keep coming here!! This site helps me pull it back together more times than I care to admit!! I'm pulling for you and I know you can get back in the game!! anytime you want to chat, I'm here!!
Natalie
Shagdoll
on 10/24/12 11:28 am
Hey Kevin,
I just want to say I admire your honesty. I do hope you can find it in you to keep going on your WL journey. It's easy to just want to give up but you have come so far. Keep fighting the fight; it's so worth it I promise.
But I will say because I mentioned this recently before. I have friends who do not understand why I am not sitting on a bed of roses after losing weight & being so close to goal. I am still the person with a lot of the same issues. This is just a life long journey of commitment. I am wiling to work hard for it because now that I have a taste of this new found energy, health & outlook, it's worth the extra work. I will always be a work in progress.
Much luv to you my friend. You can do this.

   Jenn  

 WWBD?  

 

MuttLover
on 10/24/12 11:54 am
VSG on 11/14/12
 Hey Kevin!  Just wanted to offer some encouragement!  I'm pre-op, but all of the things you talk about, could be me too -- and I think it could be any of us!

Hang in there -- you've identified what you need to do, now you just have to do it! 

With the holidays coming up, it could be even more challenging, so know that we are all here for you!  Maybe those of us in Baltimore should plan a meet up to help us get through the holidays!  

There are a few of us here, so if you are interested, let me know and I'll see if we can set up something.  I think there was one previously, but it was right before I came on the board -- so I don't know any of the other Baltimore-area people in person!


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