A Rite of Passage?

I'm not sure that I can accurately put my thoughts completely into words with this post. But, I have to try.

I am going to have WLS. I hate it that it has to be so. But, I am grateful that it is an option for me. I'm about 3 weeks away from having the procedure and a flood of things are gushing through my life right now. The questions I had; have already been answered. What remains is the actual process of the surgery and picking up the pieces afterwards of a life that has been shattered by 5 decades of poor food choices and a bad relationship with the dinner table. Food has been too important in my life for so long that I am actually pre-mourning the lost meals that I have not even had yet. That sounds crazy to me; but it is true. I know that I have to see my surgeon 2 weeks before surgery and I have to lose about 9 more lbs. But, I am actually calculating how many days I can fit food funerals in and still have time to drop my weight. I'm good a losing weight; but I'm bad at keeping it off. That is concerning to me as well. I've lost and gained it back before. I don't want to do that again!

While I am grateful that this surgery is an option; I do not see it as a "right of passage" that will solve all of my problems. This is stinking major surgery and I hate even the idea of going to the doctor. The thought of having my naked fat carcass flayed out on a table with a team of strangers around me and a tube shoved up my private parts is something that terrifies me! I've been to the Doctor to get ready for this surgery more in the last six months than I had been the previous 20 years combined! I hate the idea of this being what I have to do to bring my flesh under control! But, it is what it is and I see it as a necessary step to live longer. I do not see it as a means to make me happier, more fulfilled, or a better person. I see it as a tool to help me get to a healthy weight. A darned expensive, invasive, cumbersome tool that I can either use properly or misuse. However, I see it as being the "right tool for the job" that needs to be done in my life. So, it is what it is and I'm going through with it.

I suppose I needed to put this down in writing because I have seen people who believe that WLS is a magic wand to happiness. I disagree with that wholeheartedly and am a little frightened when I see people talk about this surgery and couch it in the same language they might use in regards to their wedding or some other major life event. Yes, this is a "life event". But, not one I would have chosen for myself if I could successfully accomplish what it will in my life in any other way. I have tried other ways; this really is my last option. I hate it; but am so grateful that I have it available to me. I hope I do well with it. But, I do not see it as a "rite of passage" that will solve all of my problems.

I hope that makes sense.

I am glad that you shared this.  I had a lot of those same feelings pre-op as well.  The craziest thing to me is the fact that even though I still love food & can eat anything without a problem, I really just don't want to. I love to watch the food network, it is one of my favorite channels, but now, I don't feel the need to eat something after looking at the amazing food.  A lot of my food funeral foods, I have had again and not as great, not sure why they ruled my life before.

This is not a magic pill and I am surrounded by people who paid cash for this and are a year out and only lost 60lbs.  But they continue to eat like it is a sport.  The just cannot believe that I have lost so much and they have not.  I have offered to share my "secret" but they are not interested.  I know from having an emotional bad few days, you can eat around the sleeve, cookies, chips, crackers, liquids, you can get around it.  I just keep a lot of non-sliders around and try to eat those when I get like that.  I also log it when I am out of control so I can see just what I have done.  It does not happen often, but it happens.

I am really close to goal (knee surgery has slowed me down) and I can see that some of the same things that used to get me down, can still get me down, even in my little body.  It is frustrating sometimes to not be able to pig out when I am lonely or upset, but my house is a lot cleaner since I just take it out on that now instead!

I went for my yearly physical yesterday, blood pressure was 108/62, my diabetes is no longer an issue, my sleep apnea is gone, even my asthma is not bothering me.

It sounds like you have really thought this through and you will be successful. When you feel down, come here and see you are not alone.  Your life is going to change, enjoy the ride.

Thanks. I'm hoping that I don't want to eat after surgery. If that happens; I'll really be pleased with the outcome. I just love to eat. Currently, I love the idea of sitting down with a 20 oz steak. I so hope that I can have the same satisfaction with a 2-3 oz steak. I think some of the food funerals for me have been about the portions I can eat as much as the type of food. I really think that my biggest problem with my diet is portion control; so I am hoping that that will be something that the surgery helps with. 

Your words really resonated with me.  I felt like this to.   Pre-op I wondered what was wrong with me because I wasn't more "excited" to be having this surgery.  I read post after post of people "shouting from the roof tops" how thrilled they were to have been approved and gotten their date and posting that their surgeries were coming up.  And I kept thinking to myself, 'why don't I feel this way?'  'why am I dreading having this done rather than embracing it?'  Don't get me wrong, I too knew that this was my last option, so to speak.  And I was very grateful to have this option to turn to.  But that didn't miraculously make me "want" to have surgery!  I wondered why I couldn't lose the weight on my own and how it could possibly work this time when I had failed so many times in the past.  Now I'm a bit past 1 month post op, so a "newbie" still by all standards.  And yes, I've had my moments of buyers remorse.  I still, at times, mourn my favorite (yet very unhealthy) foods that I will no longer be able to have if I want to succeed...and I most certainly do want to succeed!  The first couple weeks were very hard for me.  Not to say you will have the same thoughts/experiences post op...just food for thought.  Each day is a little easier, as they say, as I adjust to this new life I've undertaken.  But I've still got a long journey in front of me and I can honestly say, the mental challenge is not going to be easy.  But after losing almost 30 lbs in my first month and being able to take my jeans off without even unbuttoning them anymore, it is a journey I am now excited to make!  Wishing you the best in your upcoming journey too! 

Thanks for taking time to identify with me. I suspect that the mental issue to this will be the greatest challenge. In fact, it already is. I hope that I can do it well.

I share your sentiment for sure! I'm guessing that the weeks before and after surgery will be some of the hardest in my life ... and  they are just the beginning! Keeping up with the program long term will likely be the biggest challenge in my life.  I'm just 3 days into my pre-op shakes-only diet and the only 'luxury' i have through it is being able to chug the nasty things.  and that will not be there after surgery!  no magic wand but life changing for sure ... but only because food has become a much larger part of my life than it should!  I'm not expecting happiness after surgery, but i am expecting OPTIONS that were closed to me before.  I just hope i have the strength and opportunity to seize them.

I suppose that a major part of this process is redefining what we do and what makes us happy. So much of that has been centered around the groceries that I'm looking for other things that I can add to life in place of the food. Here is an example for me. One of the greatest events in my home is when everyone is here and we just have a feast together. As life has gone on; getting everyone together has been tough. But, much of what we do when we get together is around the feasting. But, I'm looking for other things for us to do when we are together. A redefining of family activities and values.

I do agree with you on many of your thoughts. I think I was a little mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Not depressed, just mad. Being fat I mean. It took me about a year to make the decision to have WLS. I just couldn't wrap my head around it because I am a wimp. I couldn't believe there was anything in life that I couldn't conquer. Food beat me but I now understand it. I have a big ego and being fat sure didn't fuel that ego.

I mourned food for a while as I went on the pre-op diet. I had a food funeral although I couldn't bring myself to cheat. I don't know how WLS could be a Rite of Passage but I do think, as I get closer to the day, that I have resigned myself to the procedure (in fact looking forward to it just to get beyond it)  and if I don't do it I would probably be dead within 10 years. Now I think I could live 20 more years. I now think in terms of health, not food.

If I can just find a nice girl that likes old men that used to be fat, life would be perfect.

Hey, I'm right there with you. I'm resigned to the process that the procedure will bring to my life. I've got the nice girl; I just need to be the man who "used" to be fat.