Just need some encouragement! Coworker is bringing me down - long venting rant.

MuttLover
on 7/29/13 12:29 pm, edited 7/29/13 1:10 pm
VSG on 11/14/12

I've been losing slowly but relatively steadily, but am now now at about 8 months, my losses are slowing down, my injuries are keeping me from exercising with any intensity, I've been working too much (big project), which makes me prone to a snack here and there (healthy snacks, but really, I don't need them -- I'm just tired).

And there is a work situation that is dragging me down -- a coworker has decided that she don't like me  -- she asked  me (and three others) to a meeting to provide  feedback on a powerpoint, and I provided the normal feedback -- I've been an editor and writer for 30 years.  

Well, it turns out, she really didn't want feedback -- she wanted someone to say it was wonderful (well, it might have been wonderful for a high school kid, but not something you'd give to execs!).  My feedback was not meanspirited  --  but this person now does not speak to me -- it's been SIX WEEKS and she sits in the cube right across from me -- for heaven's sake, she's in her 40s!  This is not junior high!

She had sent an email thanking the four of us for the feedback, and when I went over to her cube afterwards to make sure she was OK (since I'd heard through the grapevine that she didn't really appreciate the feedback), she said, "I can't talk about it, and turned away."  And literally, she will barely speak in response to a Good Morning -- she alternates between grunting and speaking (depending on whether or not someone is around to overhear).  

And she complained to our boss that I was "verbally abusive" to her -- but luckily for me, there were three other people in the room who vouched for me, and said that my feedback was professional, well-intentioned, accurate, etc.  All three of them have been surprised by this reaction -- especially since they agreed with the feedback, and she still speaks to them.  Even after they told her they agreed (both during the meeting and afterwards).  

Additionally, she will talk loudly about how uncomfortable the visit was with her family since her two sisters don't talk to each other.  Or talk loudly about how important communication is.  Or talk loudly about how awful her friend looks because her friend gained 30 pounds. 

Of course, you all know that being in this kind of environment when you are a stress eater (and working a lot) is a recipe for eating disaster.

I have gone to the EAP ( they say it's her choice to not speak to me, so if she doesn't want to talk to me, don't talk to her), our boss (who says, well, she just gets too upset to discuss it -- would you like to move to another spot so you aren't across from her ?)  Additionally, I asked him to fully investigate the claim of verbal abuse, which he did and found no basis for and has documented that, since she threatened to file a grievance with human resources (our boss told me that HR would just laugh, since the claim was absurd).

So, I'll be frank -- I have never, ever been in this type of situation before.  I've had a load of personnel training.  Dealing with difficult people training, etc., and until this job, I was in management positions.  I have just been in this job 3 years (she been here a little more than a year), and it seems that in this department, this is acceptable behavior.

I really thought after a couple of days I'd be able to talk to her, find out what's at the root of this, work it out, and move on.  But apparently, that is not going to happen.  When I do speak to her (Good morning,etc.), and she ignores me, she appears to take pleasure in pretending I don't exist (fake smiling and looking the other way, etc.)  The other staff members joke that I've lost so much weight, that I am now invisible!    None of the other people we work with are "ganging up" on me with her, but it is still taking a toll on me. 

My manager and EAP counselor have said to just ignore the behavior. Speak to her like I do other people (generally a good morning, and that's it), and if she ignores me, that is her choice.  I am only responsible for my own behavior, and she is responsible for hers.  And as long as we are not on a project together where communication is needed, then my boss has no managerial reason to address this -- it is her personal choice and personal behavior.  

So -- how do I "not care" about this? And how do I not let this affect my mood -- and worse, make me want to turn to food.  I've had several long talks with myself trying to understand what's going on, trying to tell myself that I can't turn to food, etc.  And hopefully, since Wed will be the end of the project that's requiring long hours, I can get back to they gym and work off some of this stress.

I just feel really sad about this whole situation, and I don't understand how someone can behave this way over a powerpoint. Or should I be thankful that I am just now experiencing the junior high mean girl stuff, instead of in junior high! 

Any insights, particularly ones that make me laugh, would be appreciated. 

Thanks for listening (or reading, as the case may be!)

  

Starting weight: 260; Surgery Weight: 250; Month 1: -15.6; Month 2: -11.8; Month 3: -11.4;  Month 4: -7.4  Month 5: -8.6; Month 6: -3; Month 7 -3.8; Month 8 -7; Month 9: stall; Month 10: -4.4; Month 11: - 2.6; Month 12:-3.4

jubjub
on 7/29/13 12:45 pm, edited 7/29/13 12:45 pm - Palm Desert, CA
VSG on 06/25/12

Ugh. I hate stuff like that.  And my initial (and wrong-headed) way to react is "ah, screw 'em." But that doesn't work well when you may be sitting next to the person for the next few years and when management may expect everyone to get along together.

Is she acting the same way with others that gave feedback? Or singling you out?

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!  Humans are weird creatures, and their reactions are often at odds with our expectations. I'm sure you'll be able to fix it and move on.  

Heaviest: 313/VSG Pre: 295/Surgery: 260/Maintenance target:190 - Recent: 195 (08/15/19)

1st 2015&2016 12-Hour Time Trial UMCA 50-59 Age Group
1st 2017 Race Across the West 4-Person 50-59 Age Group
4th 2019 Race Across America 8 Person Team

wink77
on 7/29/13 12:57 pm - NE
If it really bothers you go to your manager. If she is creating a difficult work environment your boss should address it. As a manager I deal with this stuff often. So childish and unnecessary.
MuttLover
on 7/29/13 1:14 pm
VSG on 11/14/12

My boss is on a "rotation", so he will be gone in another three months. He's just hoping she'll get over it.

I guess I also think back to when I was managing a department in a different company -- this would not have been considered acceptable behavior in the workplace.   LOL -- and I thought going to a non-management job for my last few years of work would be a relief!  

  

Starting weight: 260; Surgery Weight: 250; Month 1: -15.6; Month 2: -11.8; Month 3: -11.4;  Month 4: -7.4  Month 5: -8.6; Month 6: -3; Month 7 -3.8; Month 8 -7; Month 9: stall; Month 10: -4.4; Month 11: - 2.6; Month 12:-3.4

jubjub
on 7/29/13 1:19 pm - Palm Desert, CA
VSG on 06/25/12

Comedian Maria Bamford on having a co-worker who hates you:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAnRkEXYplQ

 

 

 

Heaviest: 313/VSG Pre: 295/Surgery: 260/Maintenance target:190 - Recent: 195 (08/15/19)

1st 2015&2016 12-Hour Time Trial UMCA 50-59 Age Group
1st 2017 Race Across the West 4-Person 50-59 Age Group
4th 2019 Race Across America 8 Person Team

Chrissy W.
on 7/29/13 1:24 pm - Indianapolis, IN
VSG on 07/01/13

I completely understand. I was in a VERY similar situation in a previous job. The girl I worked with hated me so much (over Lord knows what) that she keyed my car! I sat at home in tears many times wondering how one person could dislike me so much when I hadn't done ANYTHING to deserve it. Honestly, I ended up quitting shortly after HR did nothing about her damaging my property (and to finish grad school). Even then, she would leave spiteful comments on Facebook whenever I would post on any of the employees' FB walls. I finally had to realize that not every person in the world is going to like me, no matter how hard I tried. Comfort and/or stress eating is doing nothing but punishing yourself. And YOU did nothing to deserve punishment. Before I quit, I made it my mission to be sugary sweet to this girl. It made me feel better and, honestly, drove her a little nuts. "Kill 'em with kindness!"

VSG 7/1/13 with Dr. Jack Rutledge 28 y/o female - 5'10" - HW: 298GW: 174 - SW: 290 (-8) - M1: 262 (-28) - M2: 247 (-15) - M3: 235 (-12) - M4: 228 (-7 ~First Stall: almost 2 wks~) - M5: 218 (-10) - M6: 209 (-9) - M7: 199 (-10) Onederland on 1/31 - M8: 196 (-3) 100 lb total loss on 2/2 - M9: 192.6 (-3.4) - M10: 188.6 (-4) - M11: 182 (-6.6) - M12: 175.6 (-6.4) - M13: 173.8 (-1.8) CW (7/8/15): 167 - GOAL reached in 1 Year and 25 Days! - TOTAL WL - 131 lbs  

MuttLover
on 7/29/13 10:18 pm
VSG on 11/14/12

Thanks!  I just try to be nice and avoid food -- since food will only make me feel worse.  I appreciate you sharing your story -- but I'm so sorry this happened to you too!

  

Starting weight: 260; Surgery Weight: 250; Month 1: -15.6; Month 2: -11.8; Month 3: -11.4;  Month 4: -7.4  Month 5: -8.6; Month 6: -3; Month 7 -3.8; Month 8 -7; Month 9: stall; Month 10: -4.4; Month 11: - 2.6; Month 12:-3.4

Machelle.K
on 7/29/13 1:35 pm - WA
VSG on 11/06/12

For me I'd ignore her but treat her with the upmost professionalism. You cannot control how she is acting, but you do have full control over your actions. I'd also tell myself that I HAVE FULL CONTROL OVER ME, that means food, exercise (even a little), and no one has the right to barge in so don't let them! Most of all hang in there you are doing awesome...

Machelle 11/6/2012 with Dr. Houseworth WA

        

Debra M.
on 7/29/13 1:36 pm - TX
VSG on 03/26/13
Okay, let's look at this from another angle. You say you are 8 months post op and I am thinking you have probably lost a significant amount of weight right? You are looking good and you are smart. Heck, I am so jealous I don't like you either. You know I am teasing you, but you have to consider where this bad behavior is coming from. It is coming from a person who feels threatened by you. You have accomplished a lot in the past few months and have a lot more going for you than the person across the isle from you. Instead of turning to food (we can always give ourselves an excuse to eat), instead go out and buy yourself a gorgeous outfit that will make her turn green with envy. You are smart, you are cute and you know how to put together a damn power point presentation.

    

    
teachernikki
on 7/29/13 1:46 pm - Lewiston, ME

Amen, Debra! Well said! This lady sounds like shes creating a hostile work environment...HR doesnt like to hear those words...

    

HW: 330 ~  SW: 312 ~ CW: 282

        
Most Active
×