Accountability Time...

Sooo I haven't been around for awhile on here but I'm back and ready to share my little piece of the journey and recommit myself to doing what I need to do.

My grandmother died about a month ago and about a week before that I started getting distracted.  Weeks prior I was super diligent about my gym and my eating, even shunning going out with friends because I didn't want to go to restaurants where I would have the opportunity to make a bad choice and also would rather go to the gym than other things.  I wa****ting the gym six days a week, I didn't feel tired, I felt awesome!  I ate lean protein every 2 hours like clockwork, my strength was increasing, the scale was plunging downward, I was looking great except for the loose skin...

It was about three weeks before that I started dating.  Or really a little before that started putting myself out there on dating sites as I was feeling more confident.  Oh my word guys were saying hi to me and telling me I was pretty!  This never happened to me before, ever.  I was flattered.  It was slightly...addicting?  It was a rush.  To be talking with multiple guys at a time.  It was fun and playful so I thought, a chance to feel like a normal girl feels, a girl who hasn't tried to hide herself away underneath layers of fat and shame.  I got caught up in it.  It distracted me from my goal.  I needed more.  I did some things I'm ashamed of.

My best friend and actually one of my guy friends who I had been talking to the longest intervened the other day and kind of got my attention.  Another friend who I recently made did too.  Also I had the fortune of having someone from my past come back into my life, someone who I always felt incredibly connected with...and I feel like these people know me the longest and they are the ones who are telling me I deserve more than what I had been settling for.  So I took the weekend to think, surrounding myself with only my closest friends and I figured some stuff out.  And my friends make me want to respect myself more and give me the courage to state what I want unequivocally...the white picket fence, not some random encounters with people who don't care about me in the aggregate.  I am probably making my activities out to be worse than they were but I am ashamed and that is really all there is to it.

So today I am recommitting myself to my journey.  I've been fortunate to have had continued progress through the death of my grandma and my boy craziness.  I still feel like I didn't earn it.  Some days immediately after my grandma's death I ate like one meal a day.  I was extremely off.  I do have healthy meals for today and am planning on hitting the gym after work.  I just wanted to share my struggle.  I want to break the 100 lb mark knowing that I am working my butt off to change my life.  I want my next visit to my surgeon on January 13 to be me teetering on the border of onederland.  I want to feel in control of myself this holiday season.  So I am here and saying I'm going to do it. 

Thanks for listening.  

Hi. I have to tell you that your post really touched my heart. I haven't had surgery yet, but I do understand the things that you're talking about.

First, be so proud of yourself that you recognized that the things you were doing weren't helpful in getting you to the goal you want for yourself. Short term pleasure - from whatever source - is fleeting, and I'm sure that when you had this surgery, you knew it was a forever kind of thing. Second, attention from the opposite sex is addicting. Literally. It hits the same part of the brain that any other addiction does..the pleasure centers, so don't beat yourself up - you're giving up your addiction to food, it makes sense that your body will latch on to any substitute you put in its path. If you're not already, you may want to speak to a therapist who specializes in addictions - he/she might have some tools and tricks for you to use so that you can ensure you get everything you want in your new life.

You're in my thoughts!

Wow!  Your post really gives me some perspective.  It reinforces the messages of the veterans who say that this journey is one of work and commitment.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm glad you realized that you were heading down a path that had the potential to be self-destructive.  You've got some good friends if they were willing to **** you off and tell you the truth! :-)  

You are doing a GREAT job - keep up the good work and think about a couple therapy sessions to shore up your self-esteem so you aren't looking elsewhere for it.  

Thank you, everyone.  I have been thinking about therapy too...in the past it hasn't worked for me but I think I have a greater awareness of what I'm doing now so maybe that will help...