FEELING THE BLUES AND NOT EVEN SLEEVED YET!! **LONG POST**

Hello my OH family,

I am really feeling blue, my emotions are all over the place. I know what I am about to say should be a topic best discussed in therapy, but I am so sick of them saying they understand what I'm going through; maybe they can understand the idea of losing someone and how it might feel but unless you actually have, you have no idea.

Some of the readers of my posts know that both my parents are deceased and they both have been more than half my life, my mom passed when I was 9 and my dad passed when I was 11 he had lung cancer and my mom was born with a heart defect  and was waiting for a transplant when she passed.

My mother was 47 when she gave birth to me, obviously not the typical age of motherhood lol especially not these days. So long story short, her heart got worse and she passed. Months later there was a fire at my house due to an old boiler so me and my dad went to live with my sis and her husband, she's 18 yrs older than me. So that's when they discovered the cancer, we had inhaled a lot of smoke and we'd been sleeping at the time. The cancer was already spreading when they found it.

At that point my sister became my legal guardian. She was my age (22) when she got custody of me. So fast forward to now. The point of this post. There's so many good things going on in my life that I just wish my mom and dad were here to experience them with me. They didn't get to see me graduate elementary school, middle school, high school, get my first degree (AS)or be here when I finish my second (BS) (degrees in different fields) or see succeed with my new sleeve.

I've been offered a job where I intern, contingent upon graduation of course. I'm just doing all these wonderful things and yet they're not making me happy. It would be nice to have a mom to go to with my problems or to curl up in my dad's lap (daddies girl all the way) when I'm upset. Most of you are probably thinking that I have my sister, yes I do and I'm eternally grateful she took me in so I wouldn't have to go to foster care or anything and I love her dearly, but ITS NOT THE SAME. I don't feel like I was prepared enough for adulthood considering my sister was pretty young when she got custody of me, totally not her fault.

I don't wanna sound whiny but I really want my mommie and daddie! There's soo much I wanna say and want them to hear! Who will give me away at my wedding? Who can I ask the "tough" questions. Although, my parents have been gone most of my life, the hurt and longing still remains as fresh as ever.

Sorry for the mushy stuff guys, I'm just really feeling down right now, when I feel like I should be flying high as a cloud.

Thanks for reading guys, I could use some kind words right now! 

~B

My father died when I was 13; my mother when I was 20.  I get it.

You are going to have a lot of experiences for the rest of your life and your parents won't be there.   You have to move forward and stop dwelling on this. You will spiral yourself into depression over things you cannot change. 

Therapy sounds like what you need to deal with your issues.  I had a treatment called EMDR therapy that helped me deal with the abandonment issues caused by the loss of my parents.   It helped me tremendously.  

I'm sorry that you're in pain.  I know it's not easy.

thanks geek monster, you're right and in my head I know these things, I just needed to vent all these pent up emotions and feelings, that I have been holding on to.

i know all is not lost...it just felt a little better to get this outta my system and I love writing but my journal wasn't gonna cut it this time.

~B

I can feel your pain as well.  I never had a dad at all.  My mom was not there for me either.  I encourage you to go to more therapy, but I also encourage you to find a church where you feel like they are family.  Let the people there wrap you in love.  I do encourage you to seek out the Lord, let Him heal you.  Not sure if this is allowed to witness, but I do find my strength from Him. Tina

I have gone to therapy but I do draw my strength from writing and my journal isn't cutting it right now. I am a Christian, but I haven't spoken to god in so long, I have let my sorrow get in the way of the good grace I know he has for me. Thanks for your words of wisdom Tina. 

~B

You are more then welcome.  God is the best Father.  Having grown up with no earthly dad, I had to learn that God as our Father was wanting to be my Father and every person I needed Him to be. And He is waiting to hear from you. Nothing you say will take Him by surprise.  God bless you. Tina

I can understand. I lost my dad when I was 18. My brother died in 2005 at the age of 38. I still have my mom, but she is in the beginning stages of Dementia. It's normal to feel sad. I have days when I feel like I can't get out of bed. I do, though. I feel like this journey is what my Dad & Brother would want for me. The thought that I am finally going to be healthy, and comfortable in my own skin, is my motivation. I don't know what your religion is, or if you're a religious person, but say a prayer... embrace your spirituality and faith. I will be rooting for you & we'll see you on the loser's bench after you get that sleeve! 

I'm so sorry to hear about your family and your right I should let their memories fuel my ambitions, but it's just soo hard when I'm doing all these good things and I can't have them here in the flesh to experience them with me. I haven't been to church in a while, I've been so outta touch with my faith and maybe that's the reason why I feel so lost.

i haven't prayed in a while I hope I remember how! Thanks for your kind words Tina.

~B

I completely know how you are feeling and it is very hard to deal with at times. My Dad left when I was 3, and has been estranged since. I lost my mother at 20, of obesity and lung issues. Going through "big" changes or happenings in life, we will always miss them the most. Hardest was when I had my children. But we have to go on, and hold dear to the family/friends we do have :) Those are the ones who will be there in those tough moments, or when we have questions. Although your Mom and Dad are not here in the flesh, they are always in your heart! I do feel you pain though, and hope it passes quickly. Keep focused on the awesome change that is near! Your new beginning! Take care 

thanks amber and you're right. so many things are going on in my life that I wish I could just share and get feed back from them and I can't which hurts the most. I can talk to them, but there's no flow of conversation, no reciprocation and it sucks. To be honest my family from either side rarely if ever contacts me. They were involved when my parents died, but never before they died or even after. You know the saying "family only comes together for weddings and funerals". This would be my family lol.

in my head and in my heart I know all these things, I just wish I could make myself believe them. Thanks again for your kind words amber.

~B