Issues with spouse with weight loss

msecanales
on 5/4/16 7:25 pm

I didn't know how to title the subject. I don't really have "issues" with my husband BUT we have different ideas of what my goal weight should be. My goal weight is 150 lb which I feel is good for my height- 5, 5". My husband married me at my biggest. He NEVER made negative comments about my weight. He actually seemed to really like it. His ex wife that he was married to for 10 years before me, was bigger than me. At night, he hugs me while in bed and he makes comments about being able to feel my ribs and shoulder blade bones. He asks me "how much more do you want to lose?" I remind him about another 25-30 lbs. He then says,  "remember, I like meat on my bones". We talked about this before the surgery and he said he would support me. I asked him if he would still find me attractive if I lost another 23-30 lbs. He told me yes... But I wonder if his little comments mean otherwise. I have a big booty and thighs- that will never go away. I have always been thick under the waist even back in my "skinny days". So I remind him of that and he says ok and smiles. 

Any one else experience this?

Age:31| Height 5', 5"| VSG on 10/26/15 | Starting Weight: 277 | Current Weight: 153| WL so far: 124 lb | Goal Weight: 155

Darcy G.
on 5/4/16 9:26 pm
VSG on 04/07/16

I've experienced something like this--for years my husband didn't support the surgery so I didn't get/try for it. My SO likes fluffy women too...

But things have changed in our relationship--don't want to get in to that now, but he's become very supportive of the surgery... I understand it's because he loves me and is my best friend, but has nothing pinned to the idea of being attracted to me in the future. Like I said, our relationship has changed and will change more in the near future.

Not exactly the same, but for their attractions. I wish I had advice, but the only thing I can think is that you're going to have to work it thru...however scary it is.

Good luck.

Program Start Weight 346 | Surgery Weight 282 | CW 217 | 5'-6.3"

High Weight 376, about a year before program. I gave up diet pop(and all pop), dropped 30 pounds without trying, and kept it off. Now convinced Carbonated Beverages. Are. Evil.

DISCLAIMER: My posts often have weird typos... Because I use a tablet or Kindle to access the forums despite how much I suck at tablet typing. Apologies!

cappy11448
on 5/5/16 5:23 am

Yes, I have.  My hubby would complain that I was too boney and not fun to hug.  He was worried that I was over-doing the diet, and would have been happier with me at 180 than 160.  But at 180, I still had quite a pot belly, so I continued.  Now he is fine with me at 160.  By the way, 160 puts me at the high end of normal for my BMI, so its really not too thin for me.

best wishes,

Carol

    

Surgery May 1, 2013. Starting Weight 385,  Surgery Weight 333,  Current Weight 160.  At GOAL!

Weight loss Pre-op 1-20 2-17 3-15 Post-op 1-20 2-18 3-15 4-14 5-16 6-11 7-12  8-8

                  9-11 10-7 11-7 12-7 13-8 14-6 15-3 16-7 17-3  18-3

     

Newbie2016
on 5/5/16 5:26 am
VSG on 05/11/16

My fiancé also doesn't understand why I'm so adamant about surgery. But he supports me.  We got together at my biggest as well.  Or I might have even got a little bigger with him.  But the catch with this is that he has usually had very very thin women.  Not even with butts and breast. And I have all of that. But anyway. More so I've been told by family and friends that I'm not big enuf for this and all I need to do is......(well u know everybody's a dietician)....I definitely know he'll be attracted to me because like I say I'm probably the biggest woman he's ever been with and it never was an issue because it's more than a physical level to our relationship.  Your SO will definitely be okay.

Sandra F.
on 5/5/16 6:16 am

Just about everyone in my life, including my husband, thinks I should stop where I am at (I fluctuate between 175 and 180) but I would like to get down to 160 because I want to be in the normal BMI range (actually 160 is still 3 lbs from normal, but I can live with that).  I am undeterred though, in my quest.  Good luck to you.

    

      

iloveravens
on 5/5/16 6:26 am
RNY on 08/13/14

My boyfriend has been with me through quite a few ups and downs of my weight.  Mostly me being obese though.  He had never made a comment about me being "too fat" and therefore I'd never expect him to make a comment about me being "too skinny."  The only thing he's ever said about it was, "I feel like I'm cheating on you with someone else."  I get that. If I bring up weight somehow, he will say, "I have loved you at any size and always will."  It's a relief.  

Lanie; Age: 43; Surgery Date (VSG): 8/12/14 w/complications resulting in RNY next day;

Height: 5' 6" SW: 249 Comfort Zone: 135-140 CW: 138 (10/13/17)

M1: -25 lbs M2: -12 M3: -13 M4: -7 M5: -11 M6: -10 M7: -7 M8: -7 M9: -3 M10: -8 M11: -4 M12: -4

5K PR - 24:15 (4/23/16) First 10K - 53:30 (10/18/15)

Oxford Comma Hag
on 5/5/16 7:31 am

I really don't think it's his place to dictate your weight. This is about health. If your health is better at a lower weight, then aim for it.

Looks fade. Attraction should also be about the brain rather than just the physical body. Otherwise, most of us will be **** out of luck as we age. 

My husband was not too keen on my body at my highest weight--can't blame him--but he loved me, not just my body. He's been a big cheerleader through all this. He saw me not just hugely fat but also with a lot of comorbidities.

He will adapt to your new size. Our families get used to us as morbidly obese, and it takes them a bit to adjust and see we are not actually too thin.

I fight badgers with spoons.

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Lemily
on 5/5/16 8:51 am
VSG on 01/16/14

My husband and I are going on married 13 years. He's been with me through it all. Never once commented when I was heavy and doesn't comment that I am too skinny...he just wants me to be happy with myself. HOWEVER, this is a HUGE change for our partners. As your mentality and lifestyle changes, don't forget its a huge change for them. No more cuddling on the couch on a Friday night snacking away. Its lets go out and do things that aren't surrounding by food or inactiveness. And, someone brought up the whole part about cheating. My husband now thinks I am going to run off with someone else because I lost weight, which is not going to happen. As much as it messes with our heads, it does have an effect on our biggest supporters as well. Sometimes it resides in their own self confidence and awareness and just in general that people don't like change. And just as we like reassurance and support, we cannot forget that they need it as well.

This whole process is actually just like a marriage, change, evolution. But in the end you need to stick with each other and support each other. For example, my husband was never heavy. He has gained about 40-50 pounds going from being an active mechanic to having a desk job (and that's where the weight came on). He had to be ready to make a change at his decision, although I have bantered him to join me over the past few years. This past month, we joined a gym, he goes m-w-f at night, I go in the morning. We are watching what we are eating. I had to let him do it on his own rather than push him. I could not be more proud of him. And the reassurance I yearned for in the beginning of my journey, he is now looking for from me.

Keep the communication open. When you think something is bothering him, ask him about it, talk it through and see how you can work together to get over the hump.

    
Joshua H.
on 5/5/16 9:55 am
VSG on 10/26/16

I've thought about this post a lot since I read it yesterday and I am mildly angry with your husband.  I, personally, find it very lacking in support that he would tell you "remember, I like meat on my bones."  If he likes you at 250, then he likes you at 150 or 350 as well.

To me it sounds like he is putting his needs before yours when he knew full well what your needs were when you started this.  Your goal is to be healthy and if that requires you to get to 150, then he should support that.  By saying what he said he is indicating to you that your goals are now conflicting with his and maybe the support he originally gave you is waning.

As long as the docs agree that you will continue to be healthy at 150, that should be your goal (if you want it to be).

 

I could be wrong on all accounts, but it irritated me.

GuyMontag
on 5/5/16 1:39 pm

He's trying to let you know that he loves you as you are and that if you didn't lose any more weight it wouldn't matter to him.  Although, some guys don't like it when they start seeing the girls shrink.  Lol.  Third option is that he's filling insecure about you getting too thin and being more attractive to other guys or he's embarrassed about his own weight.

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