Grief and the Holidays

Yesterday, I took my dad by the funeral home. After dealing with several deaths in the last 2 years, I know it is easier to pre planned than to have no plan... That's not the point of my post though.

Before we left, the funeral home director handed me an invite to a .. "Meeting" with a keynote speaker are dealing with grief and the holidays. Which is a good thing, but something kept niggling me about it. I couldn't figure out what was bothering me about the whole thing. 

I just got it. It was come eat with us and we will tell you how to deal with grief... His sells pitch was we will feed you...

Dealing with grief with food... Hmm, been there, done that. I'm sure that is not their intent but man, what a way to set people up with transference or "eating our feelings". But really you couldn't just call it a support group? But you have to entice people to come with food? Especially people who are definitely dealing with grief, depression, etc...

lol, maybe I'm just a tad touchy on this issue  and I'm reading to much into it. 

Hi AK,

As someone who has lost most her loved ones through the holidays I can relate. I also understand your pause and it's very important. I would say that it is not a support group (as the conversation is mostly unilateral?) Also, food is part of our culture for enticing, grieving, and 'healing' others with grief. We had so much food for my fathers death we could not give it away. However each item was made with tears and love as an expression of solidarity in our sorrow. It's not the food, it's more our relationship with the food.

You are astute, and very insightful on the possible downward slope of using food to heal grief. If I were you I would mention these thoughts to the director or keynote speaker. If anything it could open up another "meeting" on constructive ways to manage grief when everyone around you is celebrating (holidays). There are many people who would be interested I am sure.

But that is just my humble opinion. Thanks for posting. I is reason to think.

I'm originally from New Jersey, and I moved to Chicago 20 years ago (wow).  It surprised me how much grieving and food are tied up here.  There is food literally everywhere after funerals.  Back home, maybe, you'd go out to a shabang or something, but not like here.  A family friend passed away a few years back and the house was full of literally 70 pounds of food people brought over.  

It's interesting to me.

As for setting up transference, society as a whole does that for many things.  Gender is a big one, actually.  For example, I bet all of us, me included, treat even little boy babies differently than girls.  "Oh, he's already so handsome/a heartbreaker!" versus "She will just be so gorgeous!"  All this stuff socializes us to be and act in certain ways.

Food is no different.  We are primed from young ages to associate food with strong emotional experiences, such as holidays and celebrations.  We also have food surplus, and highly addictive and palatable processed foods which are designed to encourage overconsumption.  Obesity is the best thing that ever happened to McDonald's.  

We also get really emotional over food.  I was super upset when I first did a low carb diet years ago.  I was legit having a nervous breakdown over no more cookies, cakes, etc.  I then paused and went WTF Donna are you doing?!  It still scares me to recall it.  I was reacting as if someone had died.  It's still embarrassing to admit.

I don't know you are touchy.  I think for you, your perspective on food has changed.  Food also doesn't replace dealing with grief, either.  The only way to deal with grief is to continue with living, and let time blunt the sorrow.  The real answer takes a lot more work than eating a donut, because sometimes the hardest thing to do when grieving is exactly that.  I'm not saying we pretend nada has happened.  What I do mean is we acknowledge it, accept it, and embrace it - while moving forward as we can, when we can.  That takes time.  Buying some crap and eating it instead is far easier, sadly.

The same for even clinical depression too, though, speaking as someone with it.  Pushing through it and doing things changes the way the brain works.  I'm not saying either that you just "get over it."  It's a painful and difficult thing to do, actually.  One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to drag myself to my first grad class at 500 pounds while bitterly depressed.  In the end it helped.  It's not about "manning up" so much as it is about doing our best and, bit by bit, pushing our boundaries of despair and discomfort.  It's somewhat ironic the best way to counteract apathy is by forcing yourself to do things.  This was a process that took me many years of counseling and help. 

Again, food is much easier - in the short term, anyway.  In the long run it's devastating to rely on anything that allows us to avoid how we feel.  In the case of depression it can be life threatening, even.

I understand this COMPLETELY, especially as today is both my Mother and my Grandmother's passing Anniversary. I remember people wanting to give food, me and my sister going out to eat, and just pushing down the hurt with the gravy!  That was also the first time I ever got drunk was at Thanksgiving that year... So... More than one thing to try and deal with it I guess.  I think the hardest thing is, we all tend (even the professionals) to try to go for the "easy" "quick fix" when it comes to trying to deal with anything.  We want the pain gone NOW, and even though it is not a long lasting and great way to heal or deal, we still do it.  We need to learn to feel the pain, learn from it, and channel it in to something positive... Something I still work on all the time.  But I have not and will not let food or drink be those for me.  I am making the CHOICE to do different!

Hugs to you and your family for being proactive with knowing these things happen and wanting to be prepared.

Thanksgiving is the worst for me. Every year for 23 years I would cook the whole dinner for everybody with hubby's grandmother. Mostly just me and her. Other would help sometimes. I don't miss the food, I miss cooking with her. In the past 2 year we have lost so many people that the funeral director knows me by sight. And told me he didn't want to see me again for years lol 

i know how easy it is to drown your sorrows, in food, drink, etc... But that's more about avoidance, or denial. And I will not pass that on to my kids. That's definitely a learned behavior. 

I might, however, cry in my SugarFree pumpkin pie :)

and that's ok

Your sugar free pumpkin pie quip made me chuckle. Now, I think you were seriously joking, but I gotta ask....why is crying in your sugar free pumpkin pie okay if crying into a regular pumpkin pie is not? Food is food, behavior is behavior....

I was joking. 

But it is ok, because I won't have a regular pumpkin to cry in lol 

I always hated holiday family gatherings because there was a lot of tension and unpleasantness. Then it got worse when my 17 year old nephew, who was born on Christmas day, killed himself. We really haven't had a family Christmas since except for one gathering at my mother's care center. She is now too out of it to appreciate it.  DH and I are lucky that we had just moved to California and found a group of friends to share holidays with. Puts things in a whole new light when you don't have all the family guilt trips. My brothers have similar solutions with friends and in laws. 

Recently DH's older sister died and Thanksgiving was always centered around her. We probably won't do anything ourselves except go eat at our godsend friends - a social group of people with no kids or kids who are far away. Its a pot luck and we all bring something - I do healthy stuff of course. 

So if its a bad time for you, try to at least change the picture in some way. Add a new activity or cut short the old unpleasant ones.  Worked for us.  Diane S

I think the food is more a sign of hospitality, and by extension, love and caring. Feeding people is how a lot of cultures express caring: Let me make certain you have enough to eat.

I go to a grief group usually once a month, and there's almost always food. It seems to be a way for others to reach out and express concern or support, eg, I can't bring your loved one back, but I brought you a cake because I care.