NSV's Two in One Day

So in 2005, we bought the first new car I'd ever owned. A Toyota Rav4. I barely fit in the front seat when we bought it and shortly after, I got to big to drive it. So after that, I was just a passenger. My husband drove us everywhere. The middle console broke a few years later and the door panel cracked because I was so large. After a few more years, I could no longer even close the passenger door without slamming it hard due to my size. So we started using a Dodge Caravan as my main transport as it was painful for me to even ride in the Rav anymore. We still own both cars.

So I have not driven myself anywhere for 10 years and not gotten into the RAV for more than 5. A month or so ago, we got in a situation where we had to drive two cars. My husband had to help me get my left leg in the Caravan due to my lymphodema, but I was able to drive the short distance to the house. The first time I drove the caravan, even though he had to help me get in the drivers seat, made me feel so good, I felt so free.

Well, we needed to make a bank deposit and my husband had not been able to get to the bank during business hours this week. Since yesterday was Friday, it was our last opportunity. He told me that I should try and drive the RAV as I was fitting so much better in the Caravan. (I can actually pull the seat all the way up and still reach down and touch the floor and open the glove box - amazing!)

I was skeptical. But, I sent him off to work promising that I would give it a shot. Later in the day, I got dressed and toddled out to the RAV with my purse. I slipped into the drivers seat and closed the door.

I sat there stunned. The door closed easily. There was room between me and steering wheel. Yesterday, I fit better in the driver's seat of the RAV than the day we bought the car. I was alone, in the car, and fixing to take off BY MY SELF.

NSV!!!!

I was overwhelmed. Then the demons showed up. "Hey, you are alone in a car that you can drive. You could stop at any fast food restaurant, order anything you want, eat it and no one would know!" My mind raced as visions of the different places I would pass forced themselves through my mind. The old demons came back with a vengeance. I choked back tears and calmed myself. I wrestled with the thoughts and brought them under control. I thought about what I've gone through to get where I was today. Did I want to do things that would take me back to the point where I couldn't drive myself anywhere? Wear the biggest size clothes that can be purchased retail (and barely fit in those)? Go back to 7 BP medications, go back on diabetes meds, begin the revolving door hospital visits again? Or perhaps I could eat enough to kill myself since that is where I had been heading?

I slowly drove to the bank, made the deposit and drove home. Each restaurant I passed, called to me. I passed them all up. When I parked in the driveway, I burst into tears. I was so happy with myself. Not only did I just regain my freedom, but I was able to silence my demons. I know they may show up again (actually, I'm pretty sure they will), but I know that their voices will get dimmer and dimmer as I get smaller and smaller. I have so much to live for, I will NOT let them sabotage my recovery and progress.

NSV # 2 for the day. Yesterday was a good day.

Ladyblu, this brought tears to my eyes. You really captured how insidious our food issues can be and also that we can (and do) fight back! Congratulations on two awesome victories!

And thank you for sharing when you struggle as well as when you triumph!

I'm so pleased for you!!!

Those are two awesome NSV's, I am so happy for you Ladyblu!

Yay!! Good for you!! The fast food demons are hard to cope with. I had many times where I drove past with white knuckles gripped on the steering wheel and tears flowing as I fought to drive past without driving through. For me as more and more time has gone by it has gotten easier. Keep up the good job!!

That's a really, really good day. I wish you many more.

Powerful post, LadyBlu!

I literally just cried reading this.

After being pretty healed, it's been harder not to look wistfully at the fast food places. We are on the go a lot, but the two times I've been "forced" yo eat at an unhealthy restaurant I got a plain grilled chicken breast. The struggle is real and I bet it does get easier over time.

Either that, or we get stronger. :-) yaaas!

I just read and re-read your post with tears in my eyes. I am so pleased for you x

You should be incrediably proud

You go girl! (literally)