Daughter's surgery went well, husband is acting weird

CuriousLady2020
on 9/18/20 1:54 pm

Hello everyone,

I have not posted on here recently since I was waiting on my daughter's surgery process. Well, she had the surgery at the beginning of last month, and she's doing well. I appreciate the advice I got on this site on how best to support her.

Now there is another problem that I can't do much about, but I'm hoping to understand it. Her husband is acting oddly since she has started to act more active and exercising. She said he speaks to her less and acts kind of like she's on her own at home. He used to help with lite housework, but has stopped all that and seems to avoid being in the same room except for dinner and sleeping. Is this normal for a spouse to start behaving like this?

White Dove
on 9/18/20 3:06 pm

Your daughter needs to talk with her husband and ask him why things are changing. Sometimes the partner is afraid that they will be deserted by the new person who is emerging after the surgery. They need to communicate with each other. They might need to talk to a marriage counselor. If he is not willing, then she can do it on her own.

One of the things I found very helpful was this book. Emotional First Aid Kit

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

CuriousLady2020
on 9/21/20 2:26 pm

Thank you for the book reference. I can't say to much since it's their problem together, but she did confide in me so I want to help even if it's in support and suggesting a book. I love him too, he's a good guy, just seems thrown off track somehow.

Counseling could be an option, we'll see what she says about it first then she can go from there. He's never been a great communicator but we'll see what they come up with together.

White Dove
on 9/21/20 2:33 pm

It is hard to watch our kids having issues, but also good to stay out of the middle. They will have to work this out on their own. The book has a lot of good advise on marriage issues. It was about $20 when I had my surgery in 2007.

I guess Kindle is the way to read it now.

Hope they get this resolved soon.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

CuriousLady2020
on 9/22/20 4:05 pm

Thanks, White Dove. It is hard to watch but I care about them both so I will stay out of the middle, I want my "mom" relationship with her hubby to continue being a good one and she and I get along just great. I may suggest she read the book first, not sure.

White Dove
on 9/22/20 4:36 pm

You know her best and how she will react. I used to buy that book for friends when they had weight loss surgery, but it used to cost about $20. I was surprised at how expensive it is now. I had my surgery in 2007 and found it very useful then.

I remember the head of our surgery center saying that it is possible to keep your marriage together after weight loss surgery but it is not always easy. Seeing a big change in your partner is very life changing for you too.

One day, my husband said that I was no longer the person her married. I said, "thank you". He said he did not mean it as a compliment. I told him that I did not work so hard to remain the person that he married.

Many men think that their new thin wife will attract attention from other men and might leave the marriage. And sometimes that does happen. There are emotional things going on and the couple has to work through them together.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

CuriousLady2020
on 9/23/20 10:13 am

White Dove, it's strange to think that my son in law may be thinking she will be attractive to someone else, but then we don't understand the psychology of others, so I'll just get the book and ask her to consider reading it, and to join this website and find some friends on this website. I found the second edition of the book online for about $10.

I know she had a psychological evaluation prior to surgery, but it doesn't seem like there are enough warnings as to the great changes in the relationship that can occur. Theirs might not be major yet, but if they don't communicate clearly and honestly, I can tell it could get to that point, and with two children in the mix.

This is good insight for me, don't forget to communicate, even without surgery!

ladygodiva1228
on 9/23/20 5:12 am - Putnam, CT
Revision on 02/04/15

A couple of questions. Was he ever supportive of the surgery? Is he himself overweight or obese? If it is the later of the two sometimes the spouse feels like they are losing their eating partner.

Has your daughter talked to him about his recent behavior?

Dr. Sanchez Lapband 9/12/2003
hw305/revision w280/cw197/gw150

Revision from Lap Band to Bypass on 2/4/2015 by Dr. Pohl

    

CuriousLady2020
on 9/23/20 10:24 am

Oh, I hadn't even thought of that. He is overweight, and maybe he is thinking that. Their date nights revolve around eating out at nicer restaurants, so you have raised a very interesting point, thank you. Wow, there is a lot to think about! How do you all get so smart! Thank you, ladygodiva1228! Wise words!

In answer to her talking to him about it, I think she shared it with me first to see if I noticed anything weird and yes, it's going on for sure. I want to be understanding of it all so I don't judge him, it may not be his fault. I'm going to suggest she have a nice long talk with him so they're discussing what might come up before it becomes them fighting about it.

ladygodiva1228
on 9/23/20 11:45 am - Putnam, CT
Revision on 02/04/15

Trust me some of us have been here for over 10 years and we have seen a lot of things.

Maybe there is something else that they both like to do that doesn't involve food. Movies, mini golf, just a walk, that they can do for their date night instead.

My husband has always been supportive of me and it was him in 2003 who suggested I look into WLS. He just wanted me to be healthy and active. Now the tides have turned and he got a back injury 3 years ago. He was depressed and gained weight which didn't help his back. He had tried on and off for the last few years to lose the weight and just recently came across a Dr. on youtube who is a holistic doctor from Sweden. The way the doctor talks about things and explains things peaked my husbands interest. It really motivated him to lose the weight, get off his sugar meds, and be more active. So I have been right there encouraging him and helping him in any way I can.

I think communication in a relationship is the key. I hope things work out for them.

Dr. Sanchez Lapband 9/12/2003
hw305/revision w280/cw197/gw150

Revision from Lap Band to Bypass on 2/4/2015 by Dr. Pohl

    

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