OT--Can't Fix This--Warning It's Long

Folks, I'm feeling stressed out to the max right now, and I don't mean to be a drama queen, but I've got to lay it out to get it off my chest.

My Mom is ill in the hospital right now. She'll recover and go home, and that's the real problem.  Her health is declining, and she needs to move to a more senior-friendly environment.  However moving isn't instantaneous.  My Mom has insisted upon living in a dysfunctional way for many years, and lives in an slum-lord apartment building that has become infested with bed bugs.  I can't visit or help her in her home because within a couple of minutes of entering her home, they're on me, and I can't deal with that let alone take a chance on infesting my own home.  With her breathing problems, she can't deal with chemical treatments, and I can't afford to pay for heat extermination for her.

Now she'll be going home and needing help, and I can't do it.  Worse yet, we can't even hire help because no one wants to be in a bed bug environment.  Oh, and the other complication is that she won't come to my home to recover (that's another long story).  Also I'm having to work tons of time right now at work, and I'm trying to take a vacation this month (part of it pre-paid) since it's our 20th wedding anniversary. 

Usually I can figure things out, but I can't figure out how to handle all this.  If any of you have suggestions, I'm open to hearing them.  Otherwise, thanks for listening.

I'm sorry she can't see reason, Kimberly. What can you do? She is still aware enough to make her own decisions even if they're dangerous and ridiculously wrong. {sigh}  I feel for you. I really do.

((hugs))

--gina

 I think U CAN ask  for some help from the state paying for bed bug treatments  and  tell her the STATE is requiring her  to do it .    That the whole building   was exterminated while she was away etc .   

Blame it on a higher authority -  get a higher authority to actually PAY ( and they will  - those conditions are   a major nuisance and menace to her neighbors  and the public health ).  

(((())))))  

Does she quailfy for a rehab type facility?  Insurance or medicaid?  Tell her the apt has to be treated and she can't go home.  There are some excellant nursing homes out there and if she thinks it will just be while her home is being treated, maybe she will consent.  Or if she thinks it is your house or nursing home, she may make a choice.  There should be a social worker at the hospital that can help with possible alternatives.

Mother lived alone for many years but when she had to go to a nursing home, she loved it.  She was finally being waited on hand and foot.  Who knew?  But it certainly made our (her children's) lives easier.

I think you can call DHS..tell them that your mom is going to be released to an unsafe place from the hospital (bed bugs are not safe for her health)..they might be able to help..I work at a nursing home so sometimes we have dealt with situations like this and DHS has helped..its worth a try..

Please call the hospital and talk with her case manager and or social worker if available.
They should be able to give you some advice and hopefully help with your mother's terrible home situation.
Good luck. Hope all will work out well.

I feel for you...tough place to be with your mom.  I am with Maria....I used to be a social worker on a medical floor and I dealt with stuff like this all the time.  See what resources they can suggest.....also, if she needs rehab medicare will pay for 20 days in a nsg home.  If this is an option and she refuses, then she is CHOOSING what she is living in.....when you get back from your vacay you can look into assisted living places....the hospital social worker may be able to give you a list now as well.

Hoping things get less stressful soon.....you CAN handle this.......it will work out.....just make take some time.

Thinking about you!!!

~~Jennifer

You've had some good suggestions, I just wanted to add some hugs, because I feel for you in a difficulte situation!

the day i had to become my dad's parent was awful

he had physical probs, his judgment was way off. he had $20k in his chkg account, but he thought it was not enough to pay house tax and car lic (92 Sable). He was a sucker for the charities that send requests that look like a statement. I was able to stop one of the phone scams, but not everything. He was losing his ability to discern. He had been brilliant, a war hero with a sense of humor and twinkling blue eyes that charmed everyone, but he never had eyes for anyone but my mom and THAT way, or me, in that daughterly way.

He did not want to be a burden. I pointed out that he took care of my sorry bratty only child self and he didn't feel burdened (ok, not every day!), and I said I felt honored to be able to help him. He acted ok with that.

I did have to step in and do everything, and had to move him in with me. He spoiled my cats, made my dogs into his foot mats (and they loved it) and charmed everyone who came in. He started falling more often and had heart attacks regularly. Toward the end, I put him in a dementia facility that we referred to as his "apartment". We parked his car where he could see it. It was 2 miles from me. Level 1 people had the run of the building and a multi layered fenced area with picnic tables and flowers they could tend.

Altho *I* never had money, he had a good retirement, good insurance and he'd saved all my life,so he had a comfy next egg.

My needs for him were quite different than your mom's, but I'm speaking to your need to step in become the parent,, ready or not. We were able to get his insurance to put a case mgr on it. I thought they'd deny care, but they were on my side! Treat the symptoms, keep him out of the ER, and they taught me so much about the dying process that when that time came, I'd had about 7 hospice nurses install tidbits that helped me. And my dad had said "dying is a part of living, it's natural". I was prepared as a person can be to lose someone they never want to lose, huh?

There are always support groups, locally, on line, mixture. I could've been in a hospice group, but in my case, the sum total was only 3 weeks!

When he was first dx with demtentia, I went to an online group that is not yahnoo, not in this format. Very slow loading msgs and they could put flopwers and art in the msgs. maddeningly slow and they'd talk about planting bulbs or getting the dahlias ready. I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THAT!

Important note here: losing a person one brain cell at a time is hideously painful. I soon learned that for these ppl to deal with the slow loss of their LO (loved one), they HAD to mention the flowers or quilting to keep some sense of normalcy in their lives, even as mom no longer recognized dad or grandma had wandered into the woods.

I was on that group for 60 days only, enough to see the pattern and learn some coping skills that helped me with the rest of the time.

If your mom is exhibiting very odd judgment compared to being a pretty good sound mom when you were younger, she may qualify for some help there. And I'd highly recommend you get some help, too.

We WLS take care of each other, because someone has always BTDT.

With the horrors of dementia, others teach us how to laugh at the funny stuff - even my dad laughed at what he did! And what to expect, what is the next step. How do you stop a back 'n forth argument? Do you want lunch? no. You say, but you had bfast 4 hrs ago, timefor lunch. No.

The better way is ham or turkey sand for lunch? Want tea or root beer with that? (NO is not an answer)

hope you can find something here you ca apply to your situation

Briefly, try calling Adult Protective Services in your area. Plus, the discharge planner should be working on this.