1stReneeMarie

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So I hope this finds everyone doing well. An update needed here is I am still at 170. This is fine since I started at 287. My lasy post was all giddy and happy that after being alone for 9 yrs my old childhood friend showed up,ring,on his knee,yada yada, AND I FELL FOR IT! This goes to show you that no matter how long you know someone....things change,...people change,...and not always for the better. God himself would have had to come before me to warn me to believe that this man I GREW UP WITH, could have turned into the monster that he did. MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS SUCKED INTO THIS BECAUSE OF A FAIRYTALE WEDDING
THAT WAS PLANNED!
All I can say is thank GOD above I seen what I did before I actually married him. The details I will spare you all but just know that I did learn a lot.
MY ONLY GRIP AT THIS POINT IS ALL THIS GROSS SKIN!!!!!!!!

Ok so, Update update! It's been 2 years on April 1st since my Open RNY. I lost 116 pounds and I am very happy where I am. I have maintained it and I must admit I am suprised at that. Doc says I have about 20 pounds of excess skin that could come off when I am ready. I really would like to have that done.
I sounded like a nasty bitter witch in June of last year! I guess I should feel terrible but that was how I felt but............
As of today, I am engaged to be married to my childhood sweetheart.
We literally grew up together. We became engaged on Christmas Eve last year and will be wed on September 18th 2011. So life for me has really changed lanes. I would have never believed it if someone would have told me this 2 years ago!
I do hope and pray that anyone that may come across my profile and is considering any type of weight loss surgery know that IT IS ALL WORTH IT! GO FOR IT!
And never give up on yourself!
Wishing everyone out there sweet and swift success!   Renee

So ok...STILL only 106 at 14 months post-op. What ever.
And I have this shittty attitude about a lot of stuff but yet I know I am blessed in oh soo soo many ways! But I am so bitter at all of you who I read about your stories then there is that one little part that just kills me........
WE-US-MY HUBBY-MY OTHER HALF. WHAT IN THE HELL IS OH SO FRICKEN WRONG WITH ME??? Granted I don't get out much to find some one and know I do not think that the UPS man will just bring me one or he will show up in the mail. I have come to a junction,a road, a place in life where I hurt so bad in my heart and I have no one to yell at me or hold me or talk to or pay bills with or lay next to......for the love of GOD I am screaming inside!
But...... as for me I am scheduled for the next spinal surgery June 15th at OSU Medical center in Columbus and I don't even know now if that will happen as I woke yesterday with a very very sore throat and the green shit coughing up and neck swollen. So I guess we will see what happens. I don't know if I should wait and see how I feel the morning of or call them now!
My daughters are both doing well in College.One is in OSU and the other at COTC and all the grandkids are doing well. Seeeeeeee, I have so very much to be thankful for . So many others are suffering and have bigger troubles than I but it doesn't change how I am feeling.
I am not looking for a pity party.
But I just can be all giddy and bubbly and ooogly goooogly la la la.
I want to ride a Harley again. I want my brother Joe to call and tell me it was all a bad dream and he didn't die with his hands needing to be pryed off the handlebars of that beautiful Harley.
Oh well.....it is what it is.

Hello world.....
I hope anyone reading this is doing great and is getting closer and closer to all their dreams coming true.
I have lost 106 pounds and feel much better in that dept. I feel like a melted candle but still.
As many of you know, I lost my beloved Joe on Nov.14Th-09 from a horrific motorcycle accident. And on 12-28-09,my precious great-nephew broad sided a Dept of Natural Resources year round dock while on a snow mobile and put his rib through his heart. Monday am May 3rd my nephew Jerry who never got over the death of Joe and many other problems took his own life at the age of 32.

I know that some say,gosh,sorry,but life is life. But you know....With all my various beliefs and such I am trying very hard to understand why I am not crying hysterically.Have I simply just become**comfortably numb**?? Is it God's way of keeping me from completely tearing into pieces at the seams? I cry each and every day for Joe.I miss him and still can't stand the thought of him being gone!
I actually and starting therapy May 11Th.Compile all this with lots of other stuff that I don't seem to be able to deal with any more and the therapist is going to need a BIG note pad!

Also in addition to all my other surgeries I am seeing the surgeon May 13Th to remove the bottom of my spine that has split and curled under all my hardware from the previous pine surgery. Then they will do the cervical through my throat and then on to the thoracic. I have indeed fell apart! Maybe all the fat used to hold me together!
And though my wonderful bariatric doc is pleased with the loss she found a hernia in my abd next to my pouch she needs to fix.
And yes I am still alone!
No other half. I know the Lord has someone out there for me.
I saw some one I would love to get to know and all I got was his plate info on his car. I wish I knew how to get his info from that!

I need a break......I don't even know what kind of break. A change....what kind?
Something new? What? Somethings gotta give! Gotta go, become new, move, stay, find, lose, I know I need to be held.
But those who know me well know I am a fighter. A stealth warrior in this world and some how I will be OK. Is it OK to just be OK your whole life?
Take care my OH world. I wish everyone well.
Renee

So.....people,you..... all say...we are here for you, you have friends,just ask, reach out!!! Buh humbug....NOT!!! I am so fricken sad and lonely. I am now facing cervical surgery through my throat! On Monday I am being set up for Thoracic epidural injections and then on to THORACIC surgery that requires my chest to be opened and my lungs collasped he said and go in that way,and I am ALONE! I am always alone!!!! And I am always so scared.No one to share a cup of coffe with or have dinner for, or go shopping with or make a decision with. This PC is not a friend. It can not bring you a flower,a card, hold my hand,remeber your damn birthday,hug me, cry with me, go to lunch or church with me and yet I run ro it each and every day, looking for love,comfort,happiness,joy,and a sense of feeling complete and whole and it is all hogwash. EVERYONE seems to have a husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or someone!!!! WHAT IS SO BAD AND WRONG WITH ME???? It is almost unthinkable that I am not suicidal.I am not...I want to live and be happy and have fun and live life to the fullest and I search and seek and look and wait.BUT.... I seem to drag the bottom of utter abyss every day and not a soul cares about me.And if they some how do it is something that seems to be of a great effort for God's sake. WHY????? Even my own daughters seem to just tolerate me and pretend to care cause it's there job! They act like ....they HAVE to care. BUT they don't!Like a doctor who barely seems to listen or care. Just ask the questions like a robot or a machine.I don't need help I need someone.!!!!!!To care,love me, need me,want me.I have so much to offer. I have so much inside of me to share with someone. I try and try and try and try and try till I am blue in the face to reach out,help others,show them the real unconditional love,affection and admiration that I have in my heart and people are so shallow and callous and surface and fake and mean and ruthless and phoney as hell.They are short,talk to you like your a piece of trash in the street. Speak to you as if you the most disgusting thing on the planet.They don't know how to show respect or even what it is. Yet they do not ike that exact same kind of treatment when it is happening to them. I send cards,I call. I don't get cards, I don't get calls.Jesus Christ, I am a very nice, good, caring, loving,do any damn thing for that I possibly can and I am so tired of hurting and being shit on and pretending that I am not heart broken and torn and bruised to the bone. I am physically in sooooooooooooooo much pain and people ask, so, how are you? PPpfffff they really don't care, they are too busy to really listen and if they do or read this, they roll their eyes or,huff me off under their breath or start whining about something utterly irrelevant to what I am saying as if they didn't hear a damn word I ever said.What makes it even worse????
Is when I simply can no longer take anymore and I blow up then THAT IS ALL THEY SEE AND HEAR! THEN the JUDGEMENTAL HARSH BULLSHIT GETS EVEN WORSE!
WHY?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ok everyone...or anyone who cares.:) I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I on the other hand buried my Brother. On Nov 14th the Lord took him at the age of 48. And yes he took his Harley with him. After surviving the Military,Cancer,Life the way he lived it and the people in it, and many years as a chemical engineer at Dow in Midland Michigan the road took him.So Thanksgiving was a ..................Rest in Peace Joe.
So on to weightloss...I have lost 100 POUNDS! Am I not supposed to be on a special bench or get some award!? lol lol lol I see some of you with these gold colored plaques...where do I get one??
And yesterday was my birthday.
I guess I really don't have much else to say. I am a little bitter and lonely these days.

I realized I don't have any real friends.Not really here...close....
Not that I can call and get together with in 10 minutes or stop by today.
Or go to lunch with or see a movie.
I realized that no matter what I try to do, I am a Mother, and a Grandmother and that's about it.
Not that I am ungrateful for that as I truly am.
But I have such a void, a hole, an emptiness.
I look at myself and do not understand why SO  many OTHER people have a life partner ,or husband and I do not.
I am not ugly, I have a beautiful heart and kind spirit.I have so much to offer and share and yet I am alone.Why???
What is SO VERY  wrong with me that I am unwanted and undesired? I feel doomed.
My heart is broken. My spirit feels crushed and damaged.
Life is too short to live it alone.
Time stops and waits for no one.
The lump I push back in my throat every day to stop the pain and tears of heartache is growing.
Maybe I should have vented long ago. But this also makes me feel so beaten, and a failure.
No......I am NOT DEPRESSED. If one truly knows what that is , than you know I Renee am NOT depressed.
I am alone.....and I am lonely as hell.

Hello Blog World........
I must admit I have not felt like blogging,writing or even talking to anyone during what seemed to be a never ending PLATEAU! I felt so very stuck for soooooo long but what a difference it made and everyone was right about your poor body trying so hard to ** catch  it's breath** :)
After some serious investigating I learned that a *** 6 month *** plateau is the most common to get and seems to always last a long time. Dr. Choban stated during my 6 month post op visit that , looking at my overall weight loss and success I had, that I was being way too hard on my self and to relax as it was the same as trying to hard to conceive! Quit trying so hard! Let it happen!Easier said than done..................But my lab results were good. And she finally said I could have my CELEBREX for my severe ARTHRITIS and RDS! Hoooooray! Any little bit helps and it has! I am soooooo grateful. I hope and pray it doesn't tear up my new little tummy she made me. She wants me to stay on the PROTONIX as well to protect the pouch!!
I had my yearly ladies visit at my OB/GYN and all was well!!! My mammo results were good!!! Labs good!! Family is great!!!And I busted free from the PLATEAU!!!
Gaarrrrsssshhhhhhh!!! Life is great!
So WHY AM I STILL SO SAD AND FEELING LONELY AND BLUE!?????
I just don't get this one at all. I know I am tired of being alone. I think this is my *x* factor. Maybe it is time I seriously tried to find someone.
I wish I knew.


During MY plateau I lost a great deal of inches everywhere. I am very comfortable with room to spare in size 14 pants.And the way all of clothes fit is incredible. So yes, I learned that the scale is not the only thing that can make you happy. Though it has made me very happy again in the last week or so!!
Life is NEVER boring in my family. But we are all trying to keep the germs at bay. And trying to stay healthy and get our flu shots. Everyone is doing well in school. Little Michael is growing like a wild west weed!
We are excited about Fall but I think we were cheated with our SHORT SUMMER!!!! Arrrggghhhhh!
I really would have enjoyed being able to SWIM SWIM SWIM a little longer in the pool. But, now it's cold and I must wait or find somewhere else to swim till next year!
So to all of you who enjoy cooking for the Fall Harvest and the upcoming Holidays, please don't NOT cook and Bake because you can't eat like you used to. I can't wait to start again. My family is freaking out that I won't bake for them!!! lol lol But I will !!!
If anyone wants to share some recipes that *** I *** could make and eat, that would be great!
I still have trouble eating meat! Not all meat but beef for sure and yes...pork too!
Well, until next time blog world...........
Renee

Hello world!
Quick note to say we have lost Fred. He died peacefully yesterday.He pain is over.And now the healing for his family and loved ones will begin.
My grandson came through it all like a champ. He is healing well and doing great! Thank you all for the prayers.
I have lost 80 pounds and truly feel like I am stuck!
The scale seems to like where I am at and I don't!
I swim,walk,use the gazzell and try hard to do what I am supposed to do.
Getting the protein in on some days is hard. I drink drink drink as well.
I have been having some troubles lately with pain in my pouch and vomiting.
Saw Doc Choban and she put me back on Protonix and gave me a week to improve before she scopes me and sets me for a stoma stretch.
I do not want that so I am hoping to improve.
I have a mammo set for the 19th and I am also hoping that there are no masses. Doc said because I have lost so much weight I could be feeling the fibrocystic lumps more .
So that's all for now. Hope you all are doing weel and having great success.
Bye..........  Renee

Found a 2nd mass in my breast while on vacation the 2nd time in Michigan and rushed home to doc who has me set for mammo and ultrasound.This happened in 2000 and had it removed( very large), but it was benign ** Thank God**.
Here we go again. Please keep me a prayer set aside if you would.
In Arizona, my brother in law,who was married to the sister that came here for my Bari surgery in April is dying. He has now been moved to Hospice and is in total organ failure. I pray he passes peacefully and is right with the Lord before he goes home to be with him.
My grandson is going into emergency surgery in am.He is 16 months and after a rough entry into this world( born with the Whimpy White Boy Syndrome), he has been sick very often,colds,flu, ear infections etc...well, now, after 3 specialists have said, he is too bad for me, or this is out of my realm, the surgeon he seen today took many films, explained everything and said he would set him up within the next few weeks. After the visit, he spoke with yet another Doc and they called us and said, lets get him tomorrow .Was gonna be at 4:30 but a cancelation moved him up to 8am.
His airway is occluded by about 80% and as his ears and eustachian tubes.Tonsils and adnoids are 4 times their normal size and blocking everything . We knew we were in trouble but didn't think it was this bad. Doc said when he hears us at this point that it is muffled like if you heard someone speak underwater!!!! And after the surgery a normal voice will sound like a scream to him!!
From being in the NICU and intubated and then they went into his lungs to grow them artificially and he has developed much scar tissue everywhere.
They said they don't do all of this on children this young as they NEED to drink and push fluids afterwards but he is too bad to wait. So my little man will be in the hospital for days on IV fluids so as to not dehydrate his little body then the surgery won't take.And he won't heal.So, as my family is falling to pieces, I am not taking care of ME and I am stuck at 210 and not feeling well enough to eat anything,especially my protein.I am retaining fluid and hurt bad as well. They started me on Savella along with my Gabapentin and all my other meds to try to take the pressure off my breast until they find out what it is.
That's all for now.
Will keep all informed.

Love N Hugs.......PLEASE say a prayer for MY Lil'MAN!