Nia Prettyface
Aint God good? All da time God is good. And yes, God was good before WLS.
Below, you will find my story. You will find my song. You may not like the plot. You may not like the tune. You may not enjoy the words. There were days I did not either. It helps me to "tune" out the negativity and to make "harmony" with myself. If you will, join me.
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Greetings All;
Have been visiting this site and researching surgery for over the past year. I dunno how I will get approved. I may have to get all of my sisters, go to the insurance company and have to handle it ourselves!!! I had AETNA...what a big pain in the big booty...Then, my employer got BCBS insurance, which is so much more receptive. I have a husband who adores me and the feeling is mutual, especially when the bills have been paid. We have 3 beautiful children, 14, 4 and 2. My children are a gift, but they are still kids, ok. My Gawd, when did we get three kids? I told my husband if he has one more child, it aint mines. Sometimes, I think someone left them on the porch and they did not leave any money or a forwarding address. I dont even have a way to send your family a pic of you. LOL. I am honored to be their mother. If I have done any good to benefit my own soul, it has been for the sake of my Lord and for my children.
I know the risks of the surgery. I will not allow myself to focus a great deal on the risk of dying. For me, I do not need stats. My risk of death is 100%. I mean really...I will die, for sure. This surgery will not increase the chances. I trust in the infinite wisdom of my Lord.
And you know what...never in my life have I taken such a great beneficial risk for myself. I have been a "big girl" all of my life. But gain some weight...you have more descriptions than a butterfly. I started out chubby. I moved on to the "baby phat" stage. From there, I became "thick" and I transformed into a "big girl". After that, I was just fat and have remained as such for some years now. I once was pretty. Then,I had a pretty face. Hence the name. I DESPISE TO HEARING IT. Ohhh, you have such a pretty face....(to be soo fat 
...is the part they leave off.). Then I just looked nice to "be so big." Ultimately, I began to be told I had pretty skin.
Lately,I hear, "Oh, your make up looks so nice." The more weight you gain,the more the compliments change. If this surgery were for my children, I would make this decision for them in a New Yawk minute. This is the first time I have made the decision to make such a life-changing decision solely for me. I have told very few people. I have discussed it with 2 people. Anyone else I informed of my intent was for informative purposes only. I was not seeking approval. One said, "Let's go in the Special K diet together." I have over 100 lbs to lose. Do you know how much Special K that is? Basically, do not say nothing. Just support me, pray for me and shut up. After surgery, if I ask you to sneak me a cheeseburger in my IV, just tell me you did and rub my head.
I know amongst my relatives the word will get out, especially if an unnamed relative has anything to do with it. She knows everything. You dont even have to tell her...She just knows. You cannot tell her nutt'n. I bet she knows where Elvis and Tupac are. Just aint nobody's bid'ness. You wanna be informed? Impress me by paying a bill. Now THAT gets my attention. Right now as I type, I have an awful case of acid reflux. My throat is burning...hate it, hate it. Did I say I hate it? If I am denied, it will devastate me so I do not focus on it. My PCP seems to think I will not have any problems. What is he saying...I am fat? Hee hee! Having blood drawn from your artery is a bunch of crap. It hurt...
I only screamed once. A muslim woman with "the rag on her head" chasing people with a needle...I would have made the news for a "terrorist alert" with great certainty. It took 3 people to locate the artery. If I were an artery, I would not cooperate either. Have you seen that needle?After the barium swallow, the artery thing, the psych eval, the EKG/stress test next week, and the already scheduled sleep study, I need to get approved ok. BCBS, did you hear that? No one endures this for entertainment. I have 3 kids, a fully equipped unread book collection and satellite tv if I want to be distracted.
Me and my family had the talk. The "everyone understand I can die" but if I live, for a lil while, everyone will need to help out more. You may be mad at me "for doing this to the family", but you will be respectful and shut da hell up. It went over well. We talked and then they wanted to know what was for dinner. Greedy hussies... 
January 9 Went for a sleep study this week. Have not heard a thing from the doctor. I slept so good at the sleep study. No kids climbing in the bed or my daughter having a secret to share at 3:30 am or cat purring at my ear sounding like OzzFest. I keep telling him to turn down his volume before I mute him, permanently! As I type, that dang cat jumped /bumped into the singing Dora the Explorer doll. Now, it is 1:40 am. I do not want to hear what Dora is happy about and that "the happiest thing is to be with you". At this time of the morning, the feeling is not mutual! See how happy she is when I take her Double A batteries out. Who will be singing then Dora!!!! Heee Heee! Have one more appointment with the cardiologist. PCP thinks I have a blocked artery. 
January 12 Saw the cardiologist. His office was so pretty.It was breathtaking...it looked like a natural rain forest and the plants were live. It even had "bug sounds." That had better been a tape playing. I have to go back. I look forward to the visit just for the view! Anyway, I have to go back because he did not find anything wrong. Praise be to Allah. Also, I have mild sleep apnea. C'mere...closer. Shhhh...listen up. Dont tell BCBS, I said this, but for insurance approval purposes, a chic is glad ok!!! Love and later.
January 19 Had the daytime sleep test done. Nothing like I thought. I was expecting good and long naps throughout the day.NOT!!! I was awakened after sleeping for 20 minutes. Bummer. Needless to say, the sleep study made me sleepy. And I have been diagnosed with narcolepsy. I thought I was fat, lazy, overwhelmed, overworked and just tired. And this may still be true. Just add narcolepsy to that. I dont know I how I have been nice for so long!! Have to stop this immediately!!! How do you tell your husband, "Babee, I plan to be the healthiest and finest thing in 3 counties. Get ready, ok?"
Also, we are a "mixed couple" so here in da Bi'ber (this is Southern for 'bible') belt of NC, we naturally get attention. Now, I can hide, like a turtle, in my Islamic dress which is a physical and spiritual comfort for me. lubs (this is Southern for beyond love) my husby. I get joy when I think about what he does for me. I get joy...joy...joy...joy...what he does for me. Big Daddy aint perfect, but he is seasoned like a homemade cheeseburger. Remember in The Color Purple when Oprah says, "I lubs Harpo. Gawd knows I do, but if he hit me, I KILL'IM DEAD!" That kinda lub! Aint no love like Black love. Know whadda mean...? My back hurts. You can laugh if you want, but you know what...this back pain is weird. It feels like my butt is bumping into my back. I have even felt back there to see if it was touching. It feels like my butt has run out of space and has begun to curl up and crash into my lower back. Really. Love and later.
2005 Take One Step To God And He Will Take Two Towards You...Get To SteppinHad four cardiology tests done. I think that doctor just wanna see my hair. He was not ready. I undressed only as needed, which was still not nude, and still kept my head covered. I mean dang...it is just hair. Four tests? And after I was cleared and had my letter, the nurse tried to schedule me for just one more doctor visit...Hail no. I was told I do not have a blocked artery. I am going to da house where I got kids to feed, a tv to watch, a computer to use and a warm place to fart. It was breast tissue interfering with the space allegedly reserved for my heart. Now, what does that tell you about my weight? Basically, my breasts are so large it appeared to be interfering with my heart functions. Break it down again, you say? Ahhh...my breastses-is is in the way. It was pretty cool to see a sonogram of my heart. I have a whole new relationship with it. I appreciate the effort my heart makes for me. Your heart starts pumping in the womb. It will pump several times a minutes, steadily, Allah willing, for the rest of your life. Uuggh...that is a long time. Now, if that aint a life-time warranty, I dont know what is.**
March 11 2005 Tomorrow I am to pick up all of my medical records documenting my preop results of weight records for the past 5 years. I will drive it to Duke hospital. May be a bit of an emotional thing. I dont think I will be crying. I do believe I will be pondering my decision yet again.If one more person tells me, "I really think you should rethink this," I will dance on a tabletop for a small fee. I think I should be wealthy by now. I think I should have been skinny by now. I think hell is too much for me to bear (better believe it!). I think you should quit your job and cook healthy low fat,high proteing, but flavorful, meals for me. I think Bush did not win the election. I think (no I am certain), Miss. Dee owes me $30.I think the world is going to hell in a well-weaved handbasket. I think I did not ask you what you thought. I think I can think for myself. Did anyone ever think about that?Before it is all over, I am going to need a prescription and it will not be for any co-morbidities. It will be necessary to endure the painful bull I am supposed to accept. Is this the Matrix? Gimme the blue pill.
I told one last person. He kept talking and I just kept repeating, "I am still gonna do this. I have made my decision." Sometimes, I need to hear myself say that! I need to be reminded of my own determination. Now, mind you, this person is an old drunkard, but I love him. I dont say this proudly. It is a very sad truth. He killed someone years ago due to DWI. He has ruined his pancreas with daily consumption of alcohol and continues to drink. But you're worried about me, a few Krispy Kremes and an operating table? I dont get it.
So, off I go. My stuff should then be submitted to the insurance company for approval. I am hoping for an April 2005 surgery date. Allah willing. Allah, I beg of you to let me keep my expectations low and my acceptance high. I implore you to be my eyes and ears, and when faced with fear and lack of understanding, I ask you to let me see and hear that which I need to see, including that which may be difficult for me. Allah, to you I come from, and to you I return. You have full control over my last breath. When death overtakes me, I pray my actions will pleasing to you and I will die in a state of Islam. My sincere desire will be for my children to bury me in their adulthood. But you know best what is good for me. I beg of you to keep my children close, in heart and in distance, to keep them pious muslims and to have the desire to sincerely pray for me, their Mother, as I have prayed, tearfully and fearlessly, for them. Ameen.
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3/29/05 I will not tell you my medical records story. It is a long one. However, it has been yet another example of how the Lord has changed me. The methods/forms/people/waiting rooms I had to endure just to have MY medical records was ridiculous. NO, I did not request yours. These were my records. I did not ask at the last minute. I made a request and then waited weeks before returning for them. And you still do not have them? I was told my chart was in a warehouse in Greensboro and cannot be found? And for some labs, they were in the doctor's office, but the medical records staff did not recognize the document upon review... And because they cannot find it they decide to tell me I need to go and ask my surgeon for another form to give to them? For what? I gave you a medical request form. It has not been satisfied. What will another form do? You do not need anything else to do. Complete the original request. Lawd...help me to bridle my tongue.
When I finally approached this as an issue of competency (or the lack of it I should say), I got results. Guess how I addressed it as an issue of competency? I Ack-ed like a fool in the doctor's office!!!! Nuff said. Dont argue with an articulate Big Black Muslim "Gal" (cause this is NC and you know that is what they think I am) with a rag on her head. Let's KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid...just do your job. Before 9 a.m. the next day, I had 2 calls, on home phone and cell, telling me I could come to get my records. You all wanna ack crazy in here? I aint da one. I have been working with substance abusers (AKA crack heads and rock stars), female prison releasees, homeless families and mentally ill people for a minute. Oh, I know how to ack up..and I know how to do it and not get arrested or hospitalized. My husband said,"Keep on and they are not going to give you anything." Oh no. 
I would catch a case at that point. Save your tax refund cause some stuff would be bout to go down. I am trying to get my criminal history expunged. I dont need nuff'n new. At this point, I am trying to keep my acceptance high and expectations low. I just do not have room for intentional incompetence.
April 27, 2005 Note it is April 2005 and a sista does not have a surgery date.
I thought all of my papers were in the doc's office. I called and they said they had not gotten it. Aaiight...kewl. So, I waited. Well, they had gotten it. The attendant was looking in the wrong pile. He did not know I had completed pre-ops and he assumed I was a new patient. Thus, my stuff was there, just sitting, and lacking 3 labs. No one thought to let a sista know nuff'n. NO. Anyway, I must have needed this additional time for whatever reason. This has taken a toll on my patience. Really...it is like waiting for Michael Jackson to be black again.
****I dont know the date... Well, I called the WLS surgery center here...several times. I will fast forward from the administrative drama. It happens to all of us. I will move on. My info did get to ther surgeon's desk. It got kicked to the curb! I have to see a neurologist due to my narcolepsy. They scheduled an appointment in the latter part of June. That is too far. I scheduled my own...for today.
The neurologist was very nice. The office was Big-Willie style. The patient room had office furniture and living room furniture. Yes, the patient table was in there, a sink, the latex gloves people like to take, etc. Yet, there was a lovely desk with intricate carvings in there as well and 2 wingback chairs. said to myself, "Why would they put someone with narcolepsy in here?" I tried so hard not to go to sleep in there. Anyway, she adjusted my medication, helped me understand my diagnosis so much better and will have my letter releasing me for the surgery on Monday, 5/16/05. So, I will get it and try this thing again. Maybe I will have a date by the end of the week. God willing.
May 20, 2005 Neurologist gave me a great 3 page letter. I mean I should get approved based on that letter alone! I had to wait a week, but it was worth the wait. I faxed the letter in. I know I should not have faxed it but I really do not have time to drive to the neighboring city to submit it. I have been kinda lax...naw, let's say lazy, yes, that would be more accurate, at work. A sista gotta get back on the plantation. They keep telling me my name is Toby. Kunta must be Kin-To me, cause I am not trying to hear it. However, for the sake of my own integrity, I will put forth a bit more effort.
Well, now back to the surgeon again.I just pray this is it. I am miserable. I feel miserable. I am short of breath right now. Like I am doing something, ya know. I am sitting here, ok? My son...I know he is worried about me. He asked me if he and I can go walk the track in the morning once he gets out of school. He said, "I will run 4 laps and you walk 4. Just you and me." Now, I recall when I tried to get him to go with me. Now,he is asking me. Then I thought, "What da hell? Did he say 4 laps? He must have said 4 naps...yes...yes, of course." I told him about my knee and how it could not take 4 laps. He said, "Well Momma, just do 2. Please. Me and you. Just do 2." I will do 4 and 4 more,just for the love of him. Oh Allah, Master of the Day of Judgement and Creator of All things, make this easy for me to accept. I do not know the outcome of any of these efforts. I implore you to grant me ease, to send the angels to comfort me and to give me victory in this trial.
May 26, 2005 I want to cuss. Lawd, pleez help me to bridle my tongue. Know dis, the devil is busy. Someone said something to me today and know this...I did not even ask questions. I just started praying aloud AND in Arabic. And the devil said, "What did you say?" I am like...the devil aint stupid. He can speak several languages. Sin is multi-lingual. The devil knows what I am saying. Why would he ask me that. The devil just refuses not to say worship the one God that created him too. Now, just be gone Devil.Words of Wisdom for today: The devil is busy and still has plans for you. We plan and Allah plans. And Allah is the master planner. It has been one of those days. Been watching what I eat. Especially since going on an eating binge. For about 2 months, I ate whatever the hell I wanted. Guess what? You will get tired of eating. Can you believe that? ME? I got tired of eating. Anyway, nothing else I want to eat. The only thing I will have a hard time staying away from is Krispy Kreme doughnuts (which is within walking distance from my office) and MY fried chicken. Aint no chicken like mines....whew..some good stuff. I rarely cook it cause I like it so much. I could eat 5 chicken wings for a snack with ease. Just a shame. I am having a Bllllaaaahhh day. Aint nothing wrong. Aint nothing right. After my children were in bed, I just felt so bad. I feel l like I have not been grateful enough. Sometimes, life just seems so bland. Surely after waitin for surgery for 6 months, one will get a little bored! Still, I need to have more gratitude for what I have rather than keep asking for more blessings. I dont want for nuff'n. My bills is paid. Obviously, I eats good. Have the marriage of my dreams 
and the one that many women would want (but we work at it). Dont lie women. I dont want to hear that, "I dont need a man." Well, speak for yourself. I NEED MY MAN. I WANT MY MAN. I LOVES MY MAN. Right now, the one I have was measured perfectly for me. My children are healthy and beautiful.My home is comfortable. My cat does not shed a lot of hair. Bout to get rid of those guinea pigs (say what you want, this is a blessing!) My mother is alive. My daddy has been in his grave 5 years this month, but I thank my Lord for letting me have him when I did. I cannot go any further. I continue to snott up about my daddy, without provocation or warning. I MISS DAT MAHN. Sigh...sigh...and breathe deeply...moving on to another blessing.
And I am cute. And Allah I give all praise to you. But I still want to have my surgery.
June 2005 Well, I know I my file made it back to the surgeon to review. Then, on to BCBS for approval. I dont need their approval. Allah will approve this for me. I know He has nothing but good for me. BCBS is nothing but a tool for Him to produce more of His majesty. Let's God's people say, Yes. Not yeah...Yes. Pronounce your words for da Lawd. I decided one of the things I want to do is to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Yes...I said a Harley, not a ten speed. I will look like Sally Fields in that tv show, The Flying Nun, with my Islamic attire on. I will be fly...exactly. Do Harley's come with car seats? Cause I have 2 kids in car seats? I am sure I will want a purple helmet with lil studs on it. I will probably have to glue those on. I can get "Allahu Akbar" (Allah is the greatest) 
engraved on it in Arabic. If you are that afraid of Islam and/or the people who practice, my goodness, what will you do on the Day of Judgement? Fear your Lord. Really...focus on that.
July 2005 Those of you who know the words of prayer, pray my strength in the Lord. I am still overweight. Thanks...God bless. Have a good night.
July 17, 18 or it might have been the 19th...I dunno
I went off for insurance approval. I just said, "God bless you" when she told me. I called my husband, my mother and my son. If denied, I would have a "Florida" moment. You know Florida...on Good Times. You remember when James died? Eer'body know this episode! And you remember when Penny (Janet Jackson) was "touched inappropriately" by the neighbor upstairs and told her Momma, Wilona? And you remember when Bookman...? Dont front...you just as ol' as me. Anyway, Florida said, "Dayhummm....Dayhum...dayhm." And had her fists balled up. Well, that would be my moment right there. May God protect me from that. Amen. I started my WLS process in November 2004. It has taken until now to be told my info was forwarded to insurance. I cannot think of anything, with the exception of children, that I pursued and waited that long for AND it was for my benefit. Ok...my college education.
July 20, 2005 I was approved VIA telephone. 
I wept...ok. 
BCBS rep kept telling me to breathe. ...I praised God in every language I know. Twice. I even thought to myself, "I dont have to be fat anymore." And now I wait for the letter. It could be some okey doke and until a sista get it in writing, well...it aint legit.
need to see it in writing. Then I need to make a copy, but I will wait until I get to the office for that. Gotta save my money. Pray my skrength...yes, skrength in NC... in da Lawd.
August 2005 I have a surgery date. Let's make this short and sweet...I dont wanna die. I know few really volunteer for this. I dont care what CNN, Bush, Homeland Security or Shayk Ibn BoogaLooga says, killing the self is not a part of Islam...ok. Not even for Allah. I like for my blood to run wahhhhmmm in my veins as much as Allah will allow.
So, my nerves is shot. I am so glad I no longer drink. 
I was a daily consumer of alcoholic beverages. There is a difference. I thank Allah much for removing this from me. I will not schedule anything after this date. I cannot affirm life and claim death. I know this. And then, I dont wanna have too much of a peaceful spirit about it. I dont want Allah to think I take Him or His mercy for granted. He gives graciously, but He also claims souls as He deems necessary. I just pray that when He sees fit to call this soul, I am in a condition pleasing to Him. My children...Whoo. My babies. I gotta go in prayer for this... 
Allah, I come to you with a humble spirit. You know what I know not. I beg of you to grant me peace of mind and to put distance between me and the anxiety and chaos Shaytan has for your servants. I ask You, Allah to look me over, and look me over again. I know you see good within me due to the favor you have bestowed upon me. I do not take it for granted. I seek refuge from you, within you. Your mercy is mighty, but your wrath is unconcieveable.
I know the hellfire is real, and you are not playing with mankind. You do not ask much of this soul, and the debt I owe exceeds my capabilities, but you know this. My purpose is to worship you in a manner pleasing to you. I pray that You will continue to allow me to be able to learn the knowledge of this religion and to implement it within my life.
I beg of you to grant me life, and to grant me a long life which has been for your glory.Allah, You know I want my children to be raised amongst one another. They are all they have, and I, them. Please, Most Merciful One, let us enjoy the good of this life for a short time more. You know my heart's true reason for begging for this prayer.
And when You do see fit to have the angel of death come for my soul, I pray the angel will come swiftly, and my soul will be released to You with ease. I pray You to allow me to smell the sweet scent of paradise, and to experience it with my husband and children by my side.
Please Allah, on the Day of Judgement, please, grant the Prophet intercession for me and my family. I pray I am worthy of Your recognition and rank, in this life, and in the hereafter. Ameen.
Mid August 2005 I exercised today. 
I ate well today, but I just dont feel good. A somber spirit has me today. I seek protection in Allah from the Accursed One. I did not turn to food. I am mad. I got a speeding ticket that I had not handled properly. I did not go through all of the DMV steps...Anyway..Been paying for that Pre-Paid Legal thing...and the attorney aint do nuffin. Stuff like that will get you some serious charges. I will take care of that later. Anything pre-paid, you should be cautious of anyway....ok. A sissa could not even get a return call. It was just a traffic matter. I had to handle it myself. It was not that bad. I had less than an hour to get to the courthouse. I just threw on sumpin. I did not even have time to bathe. I aint stink ( I dont reckon!) and the security alarms lemme go through.Anyway... I just wanted to lay down, stop, drop and roll like they tell you to do during a fire.
I looked like a Peanut log. You know the candy they sell at holidays...the thick sweet cream rolled in peanuts. That was how I felt today. I am surprised they did not arrest me for looking like a nut. Sometimes you feel like a nut...and sometimes you dont. Well, today was harvest season cause I felt like a fresh batch of pecans. I was quick though. I even ran across the street. 
I got scared about that. Really...my rear, not a car...will hit me. I am a lot to carry. You know some women say, "I carry my weight well." Well, carry mines too. Cause I dont...in this NC heat.
August 18, 2005 I visited that Memorial Page on AMOS. No one should do that. 
I need a prescription now. The old me would have dealt with this with a lil Cognac. Mahn...that page messed a sista up.But ya know, dont nuffin matter but God. I seek protection in Allah from Shaytan, the Accursed One. Allah, I know Shaytan and His agents have nothing for me. I know you are closer to me than my jugular vein. I pray you will let me live a life pleasing to you, short or long, but according to your divine decre. And Imma stay away from the memorial page. Everyone has an appointment with death but no one has it written on their personal calendar. I wants me a Butterfinger...with a capital B. This signifies a king-size Butterfinger ok!!!
August 05 Anyway...I am sittin here HON-GREY aka hungry. 
Lawd, I wants a piece a cheese...watermelon...air pudding...yogurt...hummus...banana rolled in peanut butter and coated with some sugar...a carrot. Sumpin. But I gotta go see that surgeon tomorrow. And I cannot be over 10 lbs than I was went I went 9 months ago.Today I ate, yogurt, 3 boiled eggs, an organic spinach salad with feta cheese and balsamic dressing and a bowl or Smart Start cereal with fat free milk. Like I said...a heffa want a raisin...sumpin. My big thighs starting to look like turkey wings!!! 
I am about to bake them! You know I am already thinking what Imma take wid me to eat when I jet from up outta there. Lawd, order my steps away from all drive-thrus. How you gonna tell me not to gain no weight in 9 months? This is what da hailI do best...gain weight. I got to live right, cause I am not equipped for Hell. Islam says that the fire in hell is 70 times hotter than the fire on earth. Allah is not playing. I get faint thinkin about it...
This NC heat is too much for me. 
My DNA has been diluted. I dont care what I look like, I am not equipped to be a field hand. Oh, no. I did think about going to the mall and walk in there in the early morning, but old people do that. And honestly, I have narcolepsy. Do know, I have never been a morning person, but now I am a morning person with a valid medical disclaimer. I dont wanna get up. I want to run where young people run. Not the spandex young people. People with jogging strollers. I would like to walk and skip ( my version of jogging) around a local lake, but it is just hot. It is hot at night. It is hot in the evening. It is ...guess what it is? YOU GOT IT!!! HOTTTTT!!! Until then, I see the doc tomorrow, keep it tight. Smooches.
Later in 05...who knows when?Had to see the surgeon today. Imma shame the devil and tell da truph..that is so nuff truth, with a "ph." Before I left, I was almost late cause I am practicing balancing myself on the scale with one leg up...trying to make my weight to get this surgery. Well, the scale is extremely sensitive...pant leg can throw it off. Well, my weight was not printing out. Nurse says lift up your dress a lil. I think...Hail naw. But before I can say it, I lift it, and it prints out. Well, my lil El-Cheapo $30 Wally World digital scale is a lie. I weighed 2 lbs less than I do at home booty-butt nekked. I was well pleased. Visit with surgeon went well. She, yes it is a woman, told me that I had a good fat belly cause I just have one good Phatazz roll. Webster defines Phatazz as one big Bad Mamma Jamma fat booty. Now, I wanna go shopping for some cute hospital slippers and a nice robe to wear. I dont want nuttin with those snap buttons. EWWW I hate those things like Beyonce hates her natural hair.
Pssst....been looking at motorcycles! 
August 2005 at the end of the month Went for my pre-op hospital testing. Imma be quiet. I aint got too much nice to say. But I know this...I aint pregnant. Now, I had my goodies cornrowed and burned at the end...aka tubal ligation, but I had to take a pregnancy test in order to have an xray. Glad to know my tubal ligation is effective. I bought me a nice silky robe for the hospital. It is purple. I wanna look nice for my man and for me, at home. Try baking chicken and sweet potatoes with your lipstick on, mascara and fragrance. It changes your life. And your man's as well!! I held a memorial service to mourn the loss of my phat booty. I told my husband we are downsizing from a 4 bedroom-house booty to a 2 bedroom condo beauty. If he is interested in buying this new property, he needs to place his bid today. Long as the pays the bills, it will suffice for me...lol.
Here is the program from my memorial service:
Greetings to Those Who Love the Lord and Other People As Well
Today at Anytime and All Day there will be a Memorial Service for My Phat Booty
My Phat Booty was born in the fall of 1990. From there, My Phat Booty blossomed...and blossomed...and blossomed to the be great creature it is today. My Phat Booty is grateful to those who have contributed to her growth such as Momma's rice and gravy, fried fish with hot sauce, cubed steak and gravy, all drive-thru's, beef patties, baked spaghetti, fried chicken wings and a host of related good foods and friends who love to eat them with My Phat Booty.
My Phat Booty is scheduled to depart from us permanently on September 7, 2005. We look forward to My Phatt Booty's home going. As for the owner of My Phat Booth...er' that would be me, I look forward to a long and healthier lifestyle.
My Phat Booty has been a constant companion. Due to loving the other parts of me so much, such as my heart, arteries and knees, My Phat Booty will not be missed.
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The Order of the Service is as follows:
Opening:
Mighty Marshmallows will hum "Supersize Me"
Verses will be read by Peanut from the Holy Quran. Verses will be taken from Al-Baqarah, which means, The Cow. This chapter has been chosen because it is what My Phat Booty has begun to resemble, a cow.
Words of Testimonial Praises will be spoken by Butter and Finger. Butter and Finger will tell others how they have worked together to encourage a greater existence for My Phat Booty.Butter and Finger want to let others know how My Phat Booty has prevailed over their caloric and sweet tactics. Butter and Finger will also be accompanied by Macaroni and Cheese.
Closing and Affirmation of Faith will be delivered by a brief prayer led by the owner of My Phat Booty.
Surgeons from Duke University Weight Loss Clinic will also be present to collect a Love Offering.
Funeral Processional will follow to the closest gym or walking trail.
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Thank you for all of those who have offered words of support, encouragement and advice. My Phat Booty humbly thanks all of you and hopes to never see any of you again.
THE DAY At the hospital, I chilled with my momma and husby. We talked about everything. We talked about Momma being mad cause folks wear pants and sundresses to church (Momma is holiness AND old school, she dont play dat...), what she would do if she was a "young girl", how much our family farts, why dem people taking so long in the bafroom, Her pastor and what he said to Sis. So and So and Sis. So and So's response, getting her gun cleaned (like I said, Momma dont play!) and a host of other friends and family.
Surgery hurts. I recall the oxygen putting me out and having the words of prayer on my lips at the time. I wanted my testimony of belief to be my last words..if not then, later in life when it is my time, my goal is the same. Before I got into that cold operating room..I took off my doo rag...I was holdin it down with my black bandana even in the hospital.
Anyway... I dont recall being in recovery. Next thing I know, I am in ICU, telling Momma and my husband, "I cannot take the pain! The pain..." My Big Daddy was the first thing I saw to my left. Momma was on my right. Now, if that aint the best tag team for ya, I dont know what is. I just know I just kept kicking my legs on the bed to try to distract myself from the pain. And I went to sleep.
The morphine pump was just fabulous but made me itch. I had a lil comb. I used that comb to dig all parts of my body! Do know that comb has gone places no hair has gone before! Before I left the hospital, my husby was picking it up with latex gloves. Hey, that comb fulfilled a vital purpose fo me. I did not scratch. I was diggin! Oh, it felt so good. I scratched and had the nurses in ICU rub lotion on me. I got BCBS's money's worth. They did as I asked though...bless their hearts. In the hospital, I walked and the pain did lessen. I wore my purple robe. That thing is huge!!!! Good Gaw-ed.
The pain? It did not dissipate! It did not completely go away! Those who dont have pain...really that is unique. Surgery HURTS BADLY. Walking does help with the gas. It is also hard to stand up straight. I felt like my tummy was taffy and I was stretching it. I love taffy...specially that salt water stuff. The liquid diet began in the hospital. Did not want much food at all. Did not care for it at all. Was glad to get the low sodium chicken broth though.
Took hours to get discharged. After a 3 hour wait I have a visitor. How did she even know I was here? I will not get into that story. But she saw me in the hospital and she still dont know why I was there. None of her bidness.
Once home, I forced myself to get up and move. I make myself go to the bathroom upstairs just for the movement. But I want food. Is this head hunger? I just want something I can chew. I dont really care what it is. It could be curdled milk...I am not picky. But here I sit...all alone and broken hearted. I sip Crystal Lite and then, I farted.
Someone sent me a dozen yellow roses today. They are just beauti-MOUS. My husband saw them and said, "Sorry I aint get cha no flowers." Well, sorry about the limit on your kisses. How bout dat?
I have been post-op almost a week. I am still very sore on my stomach. I bled all over the couch from the drainage wound. Doc said it would leak...blood-soaked bra, furni-two ( in NC, they say furni-two and not furni-ture...dont ask me why)..bra, shirt and panties is not leakage. When it happened the same nosey friend that showed up at the hospital was at the house. I let her see it all. I aint get nekked, but I let the blood leak in front of her and I had to sit there until Big Daddy came back from the drugstore with bandages. Tole him to do that earlier...but naw...just spose to have a lil leakage, he just knew I would be cool. Well now look atcha bloody furni-two...that he made as well.
I figured if she wanna know about my hospital stay so bad, I was gonna give her something to go and tell the natives. Go tell them I sit at home all bruised up, weak and leaking blood with no bandages. I cant wait to hear the ending on that story...Momma left after 4 days. She took care of me. She took care of my kids and husby in my absence. They dont make women like that no mo. She is not my biological mother, but my grandmother. She raised me from the time I was 13 months old, until now. Yes, I still require some motherly TLC...say what chu will...and my momma delivers!!! I am so thankful to God for her.
Anyway...I slept all day today. I laid on the bed on my back. I just could not open my eyes. I was on the phone, and I started snoring. I believe they hung up. Dont talk to me. I am sick. Come cook and clean...my friend.
I started picturing the angel of death and tried to position myself so I could see the angel better. As if seeing it first would mean anything...when I see it, oh, this show will be over. I just pray the angels give me a standing ovation and bring my soul to my Lord with the sweetest fragrance and wishes of good tidings of the hereafter.
But I was so tired on this day I thought I was dying...I kid you not.
I did manage to complete one can of Boost during that time as well. My youngest baby kept coming upstairs to his Momma. Lawd dat boy lub me! With good reason. I love love love my chilren.
ANOTHER DAY AFTER THE BIG DAYJoined the YMCA today. Ugggh, how bout da Y aint cheap?
I mourned the loss of food today. I was out and I drove by all of my favorite restaurants. At one of my most memorable food stops, the clerk stands there so nice and listens to your order. Then, without warning or provocation, she yells, "DROP AH FISH...BEEEF REEEBS SPECIAL WIDDA TEA."
It is a place where a tea is free with a meat and 2 veggies, but ya gotta ask for it. If you dont say nuttin, you gets nuttin!
And of course I was a block away from Krispy Kreme...and all of the drive thru's and my cakes...and just the meat from a Burger King sammich...and a shrimp burger from the Farmer's market...and I cant have none of it.
Surgery removes all joy of eating. Sometimes, I am hungry, but it takes so long to eat 2 teaspoons, that I just say, "What da hell...why be bothered?" And sippin...I aint never sipped this much in my life. My Gawd. But I quickly learned that I dont feel so good when I dont so I sip. I got almost empty...none are fully empty...but almost empty bottles of Fruit20 and sippy cups all over the house.
And if you get thirsty, even water will hurt you if you drink it too fast. Went to a football game and a school meeting. Was gone all evening. That one bottle of water had been long gone. So, I came in and I drank a few...I guess big sips...of water. Mahn, my chest hurt. Off'n water...Mahn. Still, I feel like I lost a friend. Food has been my buddy...but not a good one. Look at what she did to my behind. Gotta kick her t'da curb.I am out. Peace.
October 2005 I want a meat and two vegetables. With a roll.
I am sicka eating 2 tablespoons of something or whatever I can find that has more than 5 grams of protein. This morning I grabbed a grilled hamburger and nibbled on it throughout the day. I left it and forgot it about it. Later, I just grabbed it and began to nibble away again. No plate...no microwave...no fork. Just nibbles. I want a meal...Hell, I will take a saucer with a few side dishes on it.
I dont want no more cottage cheese and yogurt. I want some real food.
How do I feel? I still get tired every day. The scales have not moved for the past few days. I am considering tying them to a cross and burning them...but cannot find an available front yard. I aint gonna burn it in my own yard. Besides, I dont wa nna give anyone any ideas. I aint da one for that burning mess...ok. Only thing needs to be fired up around here is the gas grillIt is sometime in November. I am about 8 weeks out and I have lost 35 lbs. For the last few days, I aint wanted nuffin to eat. Aint nuffin good.. And I mean not a dayyum thing. Not nuffin I want.
Had a house full of guests. We had a blast. Really it was one of the best days of my life. Anyway...I cooked up sumpin. And ya know...when you cookin, I am a bit like Paula Deen on the Food Network. Ya just gotta lick ya fingers. Well, see I got 10 fingers...like most people I know. I keep my kitchen clean, but I am a messy cook. Dunno why...but I am. Anyway, so stuff was slinging and swinging in dat kitchen and I was just a lickin...and got sick as two dogs in the NC country in July.
I keep trying to eat chicken. Imma leave that stuff alone. I swear they started putting stuff in it since I had surgery. I have to eat such small portions that it aint worth it. NO...I am not biting big chunks. I just have to have slivers of it. So..I go chickenless. By the time I meet my goal weight, I may not be black any more at all. How ya gonna be black and not eat chicken? Best thing I have found so far is some form of beans. Bean soup is great. I get my protein. It goes down so smoothly and it keeps ya regular. Really...ask my family. Awww mahn...I am like..."If this does not clog up a commode nuffin will!!" TMI? Well, once again, you will be alright. Whew!!! I crack myself up.I am just gonna tell you and those 35lbs...love and later.
Sometime in November 2005
Still cant eat yard bird...AKA chicken. So moving along. Went to the shopping center for the past two days. First day, I could not bring myself to buy anything. I just could not believe that stuff fit me. How da hell you gon' have stuff in the store to fit me? I mean pretty stuff too. And then, I got pissed. Oh, so my "big booty" money did not appeal to you?
Hecht's is having a sale. I got some Nine West boots cheaper than they are at the Nine West outlet. Anyway, I have gone down half a shoe size. I want some boots that zip up my leg. I lost some weight, but not that much! My big calves kept peeking out of the boots. Dat's aiiight...before it is all over with, I will be doing the "Achy Breaky" with my cowboy boots on! I bought a size 18 suede coat with a fur collar to go with the boots. ( As of mid-December 2005, this coat is too big)Shoot, I am excited about a school meeting...a staff meeting...a clinical assessment...a business luncheon...I need somewhere to wear that!!! And after I did that, I felt so much better. Ya know what pisses me off...I lubs my family. God knows I do. But everything I prepare for me to eat, they eat it up. I am bout sick of that. I made salmon cakes. Gone. I had 8 cans of tuna. I ate 2. The others? Gone. I had some hamburger meat. What happened? Oh, they cooked on the grill. I bought some lamb to make a stew. Husby had guests over. Think he made me a plate? No. Gone.
I bought shrimp. They ate it and literally made a concoction out of taco sauce and other stuff to dip them in. I got 3 skrimps out of it. The rest? Gone. I was told that cause they were jumbo shrimp there were not that many so it did not take much to eat them all. Imma try to cook a bit more and see if that helps out. Cause this is not good for positive family relations...ok?
Late December 2005
Well, I still live with my husband and three children. God is merciful.
Weight loss? 50 lbs. I have not lost weight in about 3 weeks. I need to eat more. I know it. Trying to drink milk. Nothing is really good to eat anymore. I do like steak from the Japanese SteakHouse, but hail...who dont? I have to focus more on eating. I need to plan it. Eating is such a chore. Cant eat this...Cant eat that...Gotta chew this...Need to plan your meals...Protein first. Often, I just focus on getting the protein in, and that is it. And I will use liquid protein to do that. Errrrck...that is some nasty stuff. But if I can gulp down two spoonfuls=15 grams of protein. Well worth it for me.
On the brighter side, I have so many more options in my closet. I am not gonna buy anything. I have MANY articles of clothing. To give you an idea...Ahhh, I broke the rod in the closet. I had too many clothes on it. And no one uses this closet but me. No room for anyone else. Anyway...I dont want to wear any thing in there. When you feel like I look, you want new clothes!!!! Husby trippin. I took the baby to the barber shop. Now I did cause Big Daddy is Arab and dont know how to do a clipper cut. He just shaves lil' man's head. It is cold. The baby need some hair. So, anyway, we go to the barbershop. Same one I been going to for 7 years. They know me there. Well.
Big Daddy has also taken the oldest son there a time or two so he knows the program up in there. Aiiight...aiiight...dey some fine brovas up in dere. But most of them are married and to me, they have always been very respectful.
Anyway, I take the baby and he says, "Just had to go to the barbershop and show off." I ignored him. Now, note I was fly. I was wearing the brown suede cowboy-like boots that made him pray in Arabic when he saw them, a matching shawl with fringe and a slinky top and pants. But I did not put this on just to go to the barbershop. I had worn this and had farted it out all day long. So, later, Big Daddy repeats it. This is when I realize he wants me to respond. So, being who I am, I go forward and take heed to his need. I tell him that I did not go to the barbershop to show off. That if I was the type, and wanted to, I could do it, and he would never know it. I dont need a child with a furball head to go to the barbershop. I can roll up in there at any time and he would not know jackbone.
Then, I remind him that I work in the downtown area, which is full of barbershops. Even got a barber school right near a HBCU within walking distance. Got brovas rolling in n' out of dere all day. If I were the type, I could roll in there and he would not know jackbone. Needless to say, Big Daddy aint said nothing else. And let me add, I am not that type of chick. It is not about Big Daddy knowing. I fear my Lord and would not want to do this against my religion or my own soul. Thus, I continue to strive to please my Lord and my Big Daddy!
Oh, and I am taking Belly Dance classes. I love it. I am gonna sign up for the next class. Ahh...it aint easy to move your body like that. It is exercise. And cause it is at the Y, I will workout before or after class. Basically, it helps to get me to the Y. I have a commitment to the class and I enjoy it.
I ran around the track TWO times this week. TWO CONSECUTIVE TIMES. Now, when I finished, I walked off the track, got some water and sat my fat behind down. But I did it.
Alhadulilah (Praise be to Allah)
Sometime in Early 2006
Have lost 65 or 70 lbs. Depending on what day you ask, what time it is or how I feel. I try to leave that scale alone. Now, I want it to move, but I dont get too bogged down into lbs. I try...hard.
Right now, if I focus on how much weight I lost, then I need to consider what the weight did for me. And that weighs me down.Err'thang is err'thang. My birth mother is back in prison. AGAIN. Next time she is released, she need to try to apply for a job there. This time, I am gonna make contact with her.
Ok...Moving to WLS.NOTHING. And I repeat...NADA. ZIP. Prepares you for the emotional aspects of this choice. I made this choice. I did not choose the emotional rollercoaster. But I have to accept it. The two are a package. So I digress. Emotions? Weight Loss? How are they connected? Trust, no one eats themselves to obesity due to hunger. Soooo....what is left? A gland problem? I cant blame it on genetics. Yes, it plays a part. I am shaped just like my Daddy's people...whew...the resemblance is sad. But I can be shaped like them, but I dont have to weigh like them. That too is a choice. And if I gain the weight back...also a choice...then, I have to look at myself too.
My hardest challenge? Accepting me as I am. Wow. Me with a 70 lb. weight loss. Who is this chick? First...lemme say she is fly. LOL...and I thank my Lord for the beauty He has given me. I pray my inner beauty will supercede all is. InshaAllah (God willing).
I am hard for me to accept. Not cause of what I look like but cause I have expectations of myself. For me, with the weight loss should come should gratitude and some inner improvement. I let the weight keep me down...cause depression at times...inflict harm on my body. Now, it is slowly slipping away, well the real me, a more God-fearing and accountable me...needs to slip out.It aint about adding news pics to the picturetrail...but I plan to! If Allah were to look at my heart, what would He see? He is the best cardiologist I know. He is the best heart specialist around. What would He see if He did some spiritual tests on my heart? Time to piss or get off the pot. I have been healed in ONE area of my life. One that greatly impacted many others. I cannot continue to sin and to regress and open the wounds. I need to nurture my physical healing as way to increase my spiritual healing.
This is a testing time and Allah says we cant talk during tests. So, I wait to hear a word from Him.
March 2006...Dont know the date. Just know when it is Friday.
What is going on?
Lotta stares. Lotta vitamins to take. Lotta clothes to wear. Lotta shopping. Lotta evaluating. Lotta weight loss. Lose 70 lbs. and see how it changes your life. First, I was in denial about how wide my behind was. I once thought that cause I wear loose clothing as a muslim woman that I would be able to wear many of my clothes. Well, lose 70 lbs. and I promise you, a 4X will fall off. Likewise for a 2X. Even a 16 and I mean a white girl 16. A Liz Claiborne 14 is very loose. That is a white-girl size 14. Not a Lane Bryant 14.
It falls but not to the floor. I still have some things attached to me to catch it! I still have a 2 bedroom body...with a deck and a gazebo. I did some downsizing but I added amenities!!!
Dem people I live with...are still here. Praise God. Aint God good. They are not "amazed" by the new me but they notice it. I am still just Momma to them...big or little.
Going home real soon to see my extended relatives. If I hear one mo' person, who aint seen me, mind you, say to me, "Lawwwwd...I just hope you dont gain that weight back." Well, what I dont gain, you have gained in mouf! Shut da hell up. Weigh your words before you speak them and see how heavy they are. A relative keeps saying to me, "Lawwwd, dat day you walked back there, I looked at you and you wuh just as wide as dat door. Wheww!? {{Chuckle...Chuckle}} The chuckles are not my own. They are a part of the script they keep reading to me. When I flip the script, dont say nuffin. {{Now...chuckle chuckle that}} My goodness...Is compassion so hard? {{{Dont answer that}}}
We are going camping this month. Uhhh...no Friday the 13th-Jason-like-tents-and-cabins for me. It is a cottage...on a river, with a canoe and a kayak and a crib with all of the amenities. Now, for me...that is camping! I plan to get in a boat. I had not done it in years cause of how deep the boat would sink with me in it. I recall the last time. Me, a cousin and my son got in a boat in a park. I was a single mother with one child. How bout I been married twice (and holdin) since then? It has been just that long. If a boat sinks, it will not be cause of my big behind. I plan to get "normal" sink-level now. Today, I weigh 172. (Update...Errr' I did not get in that lil boat. It was not an issue of weight. It was...I can "weight" to die. I was not going all da way out dere in dat water. Can we just sit on the pier and tell da Lawd, "Thank ya?")
Allah, most gracious, most merciful, I ask you to continue to bless me with a healthy lifestyle and for each pound I lose, I pray I show sincere gratitude to you. I pray that my weight loss does not increase the weight of my sins, the hardness of my heart or allow the devil to have more ways to enter into my life. I pray that each pound will be a testimony of your mercy and I prove, each day, to be worthy of what you have bestowed upon me. Ameen.
Even later in March 2006...and it still aint Friday. I think somebody took out ALL the Friday's in the month of March.
Two things ya'll...Terri D...she dont know it but she has inspired me today. She has taught me a lesson about taking risks. We all talk about walking on faith. I dont have to walk with it. I can RUN with it. I can FLY with it. I can SKIP with it. It is my faith...it is my fear to overcome. My blessings are for me to go and get. Thanks Terri. Next thing on my agenda...I have an angelette!!!!! Just Real. Visit her page to show her love. Email her to keep her inspired. And for those of you who know the words of pray, pray her skrennf (that would be strength), in da Lawd. I am so excited. She lives near Momma. So I can visit two very special women at one time. Love and Later (Will try to post pics soon. I have lost 70 lbs. and I look better than a cold slushy at a NC cook out in da middle of July!)
April 2006
Vitamins (check)
Water (checking the fridge. yes, there is some in there)
Diluted juice or Crystal Lite (check)
B12/Biotin/Tumeric/Baby Aspirin/ Prevacid/ HBP meds/
Govt-controlled crack to treat narcolepsy (check)Emergency food for the day (check)Exercise plan for the day (check...well, half a check. I really do have belly dance class tonight. But no, I do not exercise err'day. I do walk. I do lift some weights. I do work out but not as much as I have within my own exercise plan. Note I did not say as much as I should. No one likes to be shoulded on. But I would like to maintain the goals I set for myself. so, half a check) Protein goals for the day (check. 40-60 grams per day. Note, these are the goals set by my WLS Nutritionist. See your WLS surgeon/dept for further details on your plan)
It is 2008. I have lost101 lbs total. It has been easy. WLS is easier than obesity.
Go get your greatness. <
