future former fat chick

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I have not had my six-week follow-up, so I don't have an official weight yet.  But, I was at my sister's this past weekend and she has a scale in her bathroom, so I decided to get on and drum roll please... it showed me at 260!!!  I was 291 (or 287 depending on who's scale I believe) on surgery day, down from 303 at the beginning of the preop diet. So in total, I've lost about 40 pounds.  I'm so incredibly happy, I could scream.  I'm in a 9 1/2 wide shoe and I'm wearing some of the skirts in my closet that I could never get into.  I can feel that my old clothes are too big on me.  I can even cross my legs a bit - not for long periods of time and not very comfortably but still....  I am sticking to the plan for the most part; although, I don't get in enough water or protein.  That will get better as time progresses as will my exercise.

I cannot tolerate fruit at all and protein shakes are still a no-no.  My doc still says that I should not drink them because I have become allergic to protein derived from whey and casein.  I am certain that I will be able to eat fruit once again as I get further out.  Even if I never have watermelon or cherries or oranges again, it will be well worth it.  I am truly beginning to understand the Susan Maria's saying, "nothing tastes as good as being thin will feel."  I still have a LONG way to go, but it's starting to feel pretty darn good already!!!!

My first little wow moment!  I have this cute bracelet watch that I wear to work everyday. I bought it about 3 years ago and it was 7 1/2 inches, so I had to get a 1 inch extender to make it fit like a bracelet. I noticed that it was getting bigger and bigger on me so this morning I decided to try it on without the extender. It fit perfectly!

God is so good!

It’s been a while since I have updated.  I'm one-month post op next week. My one-month checkup is actually more like a six-week check up because I needed to wait for my next weekday off so I would not have to take more time off from work.  Seem to be on a bit of a stall now, but I did lose 15 pounds the first week and I am hoping to have lost another ten or fifteen pounds by week six.

As for my pouch issues, I still have good days and bad days.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.  I know that my system is still healing and adjusting and as much as I would like to rush the healing process, I can’t.  Normalcy will come in it’s own time.  I just need to try to keep my head up, take it day-by-day, and see God’s blessings in all of this.

I realized last week that it’s time for some attitude adjustment on my part.  I’ve been far too negative about this surgery and about my inability to gorge myself as I have in the past.  Yes, I feel sick, but at least I feel sick because I am doing something positive about my obesity.  In the past, I would be sick all the time from overeating.  I’d eat 2 double cheeseburgers, ten chicken mcnuggets and a supersized fries and an hour later I’d eat half a large bag of cheetos and wind up being physically as sick as a dog and emotionally disgusted with myself.  It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am now detoxifying my body and that I am finally in control of it with the help of this wonderful tool.  That is a bigger blessing than I could have ever hoped for.

Regarding protein, water, vitamins, etc, I'm guilty of not getting in enough water and protein and I'm making a real effort increase them starting today.  I'm planning to go to GNC this week and buy some of their Pro Performance protein liquid.  I think it has 18 grams of protein in three tablespoons of the liquid.  I understand that it tastes pretty bad, but if I can at least get that down a couple of times per day, I should be able to meet the protein quota. As for water, I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and get the 64 ounces down each day.  I have yet to do it and I know that I am dehydrated.  

My family says they can see where I’ve lost weight, but I can’t see it as yet.  I’ll have to take a one-month postop pic for comparison.  If I’m feeling particularly brave, I might even post them for everyone’s amusement!

Finally, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the wonderful people who have emailed me with advice and kind words of encouragement and who have signed my surgery page.  It has meant more to me than you’ll ever know.  May God bless you all for your love, kindness and compassion.

Extra Big Hugs, Tracy

Two weeks out today.  Head hunger is not so much a problem anymore but frankly it is because I have been feeling so sick that food is the LAST thing on my mind.  Period.  I cannot tolerate protein supplements at all.  I had been having some limited success with Atkins shakes, but I had a really bad dumping episode Sunday after drinking one.  My surgeon took me off of all protein supplements altogether and told me to try yogurt.  I'm starting to get pretty bummed about the whole thing.  I can count on three fingers the number of days since surgery that I have not been in some type of pain.  I am really concerned that I won't ever be able to eat or drink something without feeling sick afterwards.  I really hope this is worth it.

May 30, 2005

I made this post on the main message board and I think it sums up how I'm doing.

Hey all, I had my lap RNY last Tuesday (thanks for all your prayers and well wishes, by the way) and I'm still on the clear liquid phase. I start full liquids tomorrow and that continues for another two weeks, then it's pureed foods. I'm feeling pretty good and am getting in some exercise, but the problem is that head hunger is KILLING ME!!!!! I'm not physically hungry because I'm constantly sipping clear liquids, but I want something to eat so badly that I think I could just die. The desire is consuming my entire being. I thought I was mentally and emotionally ready for this, but it is sheer torture. Please tell me it gets better because I'm starting to think that life as a SMO person wasn't so bad compared to this....

May 27, 2005

With the help of God, I made it to the losing side!!!  I came home yesterday.  To be honest, I am in a lot of pain.  The lap incisions aren't too painful, but the drain site is killing me!  It is extremely painful to exert any amount of pressure in that area.  So, taking deep breaths, sitting up in bed, bending over and even laughing are all very painful.  I know that the pain will get better and that in the long run it will have been well worth it!  God is so good and gracious and merciful to have allowed me the privilege of having this surgery and I thank Him from the bottom of my heart and soul.  I also thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers and kind words of encouragement.  I'll update later when I'm feeling a bit better.  God bless!

May 16, 2005

I finished the last of my pre-op doctors visits last week.  I had my pre-op exam and nutrition class with the surgeon last Tuesday (5/10) and my PCP gave me a physical on Friday (5/13).  My PCP said my iron levels have improved, so I thank God for that.  I am also down 16 pounds (287) by my PCP’s scale, but only down 12 pounds (291) by my surgeon’s scale.  These weigh-ins were three days apart.  I’ll go with 16 pounds; it sounds better!  Now, the goal is to make it to surgery without gaining any of the weight back.  I’ve been diligent with my exercise, but as far as my diet was concerned, this past weekend was pretty bad.  McDonald’s on Friday; Pepsi, chips and Doritos on Saturday; sausage links, Chipotle’s burrito and fried fish yesterday…  If I keep going like this, I’ll gain the 16 pounds back before next Tuesday!  I’m back on track today… Atkins shake and a piece of fruit for breakfast and water, water, water. 

On the protein front, I still can’t find a shake that I like other than Atkins.  The Nectar iced tea isn’t bad and neither is the lemonade.  But I merely tolerate them.  Maybe I’ll stick with Atkins shakes fortified with a bit of unflavored protein powder throughout the full liquid and pureed stages and switch to protein bars once I get to the solid food stage.  I don’t know….  If anyone has any suggestions, let me know! (smile)

Despite my decision to NOT tell anyone at work about my wls, I broke down and told someone about it last week.  She told me that she was considering the procedure and that she had an initial consultation with a surgeon.  I tried to give her some tips and I gave her some protein samples.  She promised to keep it confidential, but we’ll see.  I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in my gigantic rear-end.

I’ve purchased some things I think I will need at the hospital.  I bought a robe for when I start walking.  Hospital gowns are evil; they’re nothing more than a plot by the man to keep us down!  I also bought some Chloraseptic throat spray, a variety of wipes, and some white panties (my mother insists that the dye from colored panties may irritate my incisions), and a couple of books. 

This week, I will focus on getting my “affairs in order” and on cleaning my house.  I already wrote my living will, but I still must get my will and burial arrangements all written out.  I told my mother that I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes kept at home.  I know it sounds silly, but I don’t really want to be in a grave all alone.  Anyway, she said no way.  She would never consider “burning God’s creation”.  Oh please.  I think that having my ashes around would just creep her out.  So even in death, my wishes will continue to be completely disregarded.  Thanks, mom.  In any case, I’m not concerned because I plan to come through with flying colors. 

May 5, 2005.

What is Cinco de Mayo?  Anyway, whatever it is, have a good one.

Time for some honesty….

I tell people that I hate the beach – Truth:  I love the beach, but I’m just too embarrassed to go.

I tell people that I hate amusement parks – Truth: I love them, but I’m too embarrassed to go because I don’t fit on the rides.

I tell people that I hate going to sporting events – Truth: I love going to baseball games, but the seats are too small and the turnstiles… forget it.

I tell people that I hate going to the mall – Truth: I actually like shopping, but I get tired of feeling horrible when I discover that I can’t fit the store’s largest size.

I tell people that I don’t have a boyfriend because “I don’t need a man” – Truth: I’d love to have that special someone, but I’m too fat (and some men are too shallow).

I tell people that I don’t enjoy going to movies or concerts – Truth: I love movies and concerts, but theater seats and my hips don’t get along very well.

I tell people that I hate flying  - Truth:  Do I really need to explain this one?

I tell people that I hate camping – Truth: I’d love to go camping but me fit into a sleeping bag?  Are you kidding?

I tell people that I hate going to parties – Truth: Actually, that is the truth.

I tell people that I don’t care about fashion – Truth: I care very much, but clothes just look like crap on me, so I pretend not to care.

I tell people that I’m happy with who I am and that people should just learn to accept me – Truth: I don’t accept myself in this condition, so I really don’t expect that from others.

Okay enough honesty for today.  Oh… one more thing.  Elite “gourmet vanilla” flavored protein shakes taste like Kaopectate.  Yuck!  And that, my friend, is the truth.

May 3, 2005

My office desk chair is so wide that it looks like a freakin’ love seat.  Everyone else was given a cute little “ergonomically correct” chair but I was given a park bench with wheels.  Not that I could have actually fit comfortably into one of the other chairs, but still….

I have my pre-op class on Tuesday (5/10) and my preop physical next Friday (5/13).  I also have to have some additional blood work.  They are very concerned about my iron levels and upped my iron supplements.  I really pray that the levels improve and my surgery is not delayed.  Oh well, it’s in God’s hands and God is good ALL THE TIME!

April 28, 2005

It’s getting close!  Surgery is less than one month away!

Well, the weight is still fluctuating, but it is holding at about 295.  At least that’s still a loss.  I’m exercising really well; I’m up to 45-50 minutes of cardio 5 days per week.  It feels good.  I’m also drinking tons of water (about 80oz per day), drinking at least one protein shake per day and taking vitamins and supplements.  Now, I need to work on chewing my food and eating slowly and on sipping my water.  Still guzzling it down.

I had my sleep study last Friday and it was awful.  I managed to get to sleep but it wasn’t restful.  I’m a stomach sleeper and they asked me to sleep on my back.  In addition, I couldn’t move my hands or legs very much because of all the stupid wires and such.  Hopefully, I won’t have to do it ever again.

I also had my psyche eval a couple of weeks ago.  $350 for a 15-minute chat.  I’m in the wrong line of work!   I must confess something though.  I lied during the evaluation.  I don’t know why.  He asked me a question about relationships and I intended to be honest but once I opened my mouth, a lie just flew out before I could stop it.  I’m glad God is so forgiving!  Anyway, sad thing is that I’m sure the doc knew I wasn’t being honest.  I guess it didn’t matter that much because at the end he said I was an excellent candidate for the surgery - unless of course, he was lying….

So, I guess we’re at the point where the surgeon’s office submits all the papers to the insurance company for approval.  I am not expecting any problems because I have FED BCBS and they follow the NIH guidelines and I’m well within the guidelines.  But you know how insurance companies are, so never-say-never. 

That’s about all for now.  I’m finally getting stressed about all the crap I still have to do before 5/24, like get my papers in order, get my house cleaned and stocked with what I’ll need, etc.  But, it’s a good kind of stress – like I’m prepping for a vacation or something.  This is going to be so awesome!