me myself and i
I went and saw Dr. Anthone on Feb 15th. It was a long trip but completely worth it.
I have been researching surgery for years now and have been to a lot of seminars and have met quite a few doctors.
Dr A is the best, he is very nice and left me with a very calm feeling of trust.
So now I am getting my pre op testing done and waiting to hear from my insurance.
Keeping my fingers and toes crossed.
March 1st, 2005
Dr. A's office called and told me I was APPROVED!! Talk about fast, I dont even have all of my pre-op testing done!!
April 12th, 2005
I booked my flight. My surgery is scheduled for May 18th, 2005. I fly out on the 17th and should be home on the 24th!
Now I just have to get through the waiting part...but what's a few more weeks...
May 16th 2005
Ok...some people have told me that my profile doesn't say much ...I know I know...but I guess it's just hard to put things into words sometimes...But I'll give it a try....
I'm 34, married to a wonderful man and have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. This is my second try at marriage and I am happy to say that it seems this time around it's actually working!
I love being a wife and mother...being a mom is the best thing in life...my daughter and I have a special bond and I am enjoying every minute of it!
I've been overweight for a long time...not my whole life...but for a long long time..in general it doesn't bother me...being overweight doesn't stop me from doing things...I go out and enjoy life and I am very lucky...I have no co-morbidities..YET...although I am enjoying my life...I do have one problem...I am in pain...constant pain...my back and hips hurt all the time...in the beginning the pain wasn't that bad...I could still go to Disneyland for the day and just ache in the evenings...but now...if I am on my feet for more than a few hours I can barely move...My doctor says that if I don't do something soon then I will probably be in a wheelchair before I turn 40....now that was a wake up call...
I had been researching surgery for a few years....but when my doctor told me that my mind was made up....I did not want to be in a wheelchair...not at this age....so here we go...
My DS is scheduled for the day after tomorrow...time just flew by...it amazes me that things went this smoothly...and I am still a bit shocked...
I'll try and be good about updating my profile...especially after surgery...
hugs all around!
May 24th, 2005
I'm Home!
The flight to Omaha was ok…long…and uneventful…from the airport I needed to take a shuttle to my surgeons office…it was about a half hour ride and it was a beautiful day in Omaha…the sun was out and a cool breeze was blowing…it carried the scent of fresh cut grass and I thought to myself “if this is my last day to be here on earth, I am glad it is such a beautiful day”
That was the only time I thought about dying…
I spent the night at a motel…and at 5.30am I reported to the hospital…I chatted with the nurses, my surgeon and the anesthesiologists….I got an IV in my hand and was told I was heading to a pre-op prep room…that’s the last thing I remember before waking up after surgery….
I didn’t want to wake up, I fought it actually, but the nurses were persistent and finally got me to open my eyes … I wasn’t in pain…just groggy and kind of ticked off that they wouldn’t just let me sleep.
They checked my vital signs and wheeled me into a big room that was quiet and dark and off I went back to lala land.
I woke up because my back was killing me, the pain was so severe I wanted to cry … I didn’t know that I had a pain medicine button at that point. The nurse on call came in and helped me reposition myself … big mistake … every time my body moved I became nauseous … speaking was difficult, but I was able to convey this to the nurse … he was an angel who then gave me some shot into my IV…worked like a charm ... and he was nice enough from then on to give me that shot anytime before I moved ... it made such a difference.
I think I slept through the first 2 days ...at the end of day 2 they came to move me to the normal ward ... now that was exciting ... 2 very nice nurses brought me a different bed, helped me move across and then “drove” me to my other room.
By day 3 I was feeling much better ... I had a drain tube that went through my nose into my stomach ... my surgeon decided it could come out ... what a relief.
I still wasn’t allowed to drink anything ... I had to have an upper GI first, to make sure there weren’t any leaks.
Before they sent me to have the leak test, my catheter came out ... one of the better moments of my hospital stay.
On the morning of day 4 I went for my upper GI ... ewww is the only word I can think of to describe the test ... after not eating or drinking for 4 days ... the taste of the liquid they gave me was beyond awful ... I did pass the test and was looking forward to having some water.
September 10th 2005
Ok Ok....I know I haven't been here updating in a long while....so here goes...
The rest of my hospital stay was just peachy...I was allowed to have fluids after the leak test...and apple juice was the best thing ever!!! I also was able to take a shower...now that was heaven right then and there!
My hubby flew in to pick me up...originally we had planned on staying at a hotel for a few days before we flew home...but...I wasn't allowed to try solid foods until I passed gas...Sunday came and still no gas...so I got to stay in the hospital...just because I felt better knowing that there would be nurses around when I actually did try some solids....
So Monday came...solids it was....mushed peas, mashed potatoes and something that I can't remember....but it was good stuff!! Oddly enough the next morning they sent me bacon and eggs and toast...oh well...I had to talk to the nurses about that one...seems it was the wrong menu for me...
The flight home was long and so very exhausting...I'm not big on pain pills...so I had only taken some fluid tylenol before we left...silly me...by the time we got home my whole body just hurt...
Being home was wonderful!!! Seeing my daughter was just what I needed! My recliner was soft and comfy....
My husband took good care of me...amde sure I had everything I needed....cooked for me...made sure I had lots of fluids...everything was going great...until...
Memorial Day weekend...Saturday...my husband took my daughter to the movies...I was cold so I had been sitting in my recliner with a bathrobe...but on backwards...I got up to use the bathroom and when I sat back down I noticed that my shirt was wet...I thought to myself...hhmm...what did I spill...then I noticed it was red...uh oh...I pulled my shirt up and touched my tummy...and out it came...loads of luid just poured out of a part of my incision...I grabbed a towel...called my hubby...told him to come get me...called my surgeon and then headed for the ER...
I got checked in rather quickly and then I met "Doctor Boy"...he was a great guy...not a doc...but a Physicians Assistant...I call hm Doctor Boy ...because he seemed to be the typical surfer dude...all that was missing was him saying "whoa dude"...
He was great though...very nice and paid attention to detail...talked me through things...I was really starting to like him...until he came in with a scalpel and a shot (more than one shot)...then I started to really dislike him...
It turns out that I had an infection...not a tiny one...but not a huge one...one just big enough for Doctor Boy to have to slice my incision open about 3 inches...press out all the fluids he could find (at the time I thought he was trying to empty my bladder too) then pack this gauze into me...tape me shut and send me on my way....but not before he told me I would have to come back the next day and then the wound would have to heal from the inside out...
So...now...my choices were have some nurse come over and do the gauze thingy...or plead with my hubby to do it...so I decided on hubby...he oacked my wound every day with fresh gauze...I think it took more than a few weeks or so for the whole thing to heal up...I never once looked at it...nope...no way...it was icky!
My wound finally healed...I was able to go swimming...and since I live in southern California...swimming was a real treat...I was finally able to eat real food again...and things actually tasted good...I realized that I can drink milk...and lot's of it...I'm now drinking at least 48 ounces of 2% milk a day...and I average between 80 grams of protein and upwards a day....I'm a slow but steady looser and I am quite happy so far....
Well...that is...if it wasn't for this pain that I have on my left side...it's been there now since surgery and it won't go away...I'm almost 4 months out now and it should be gone...so I go to my PCP...
My PCP is a great guy...always very upfront and to the point but still a caring kinda guy....so he listens to me complain and then does the whole "let's feel around and see what we can find thing"...this is how it went
PCP: there's something there...I can feel it
Me: What do you mean there's something there?
PCP: There's something there
Me: Well...in the realm of possibilities...what could this something be?
PCP: HHHmmmm...it could be some scartissue, adhesions, and abscess or they could have forgotten something....
Me: WHAT??? What do you mean forgotten something??
PCP: During surgery...they could have forgotten something...
So he sends me off to xray to see...now mind you...I'm not a happy camper...having all kinds of crazy thoughts....ughhhh....
So the results form xray are in...they didn't show anything...but I'm not out of the woods yet...cause some stuff wouldn't show on the xray...
just my luck huh...gonna find a junior mint inside me!
Now the ultrasound...aside from the snotty dude who sets appointments...this is a nice office too...the lady who did the ultrasound was sweet and things went smooth...I leave their office and call my PCP...just to leave his nurse a quick message...I let her know I had the ultrasound...and just ask her to call me if the results aren't in before my next appoinment...so that I can cancel and reschedule...
So she calls the same day and leaves me a message...the ultrasound shows nothing and they want me to see a surgeon here...oh great...now of course I start thinking this could all just be in my head...but then I remember...my PCP said he felt something...so if it's in anybodys head ...it's in his...
Still not a happy camper...but yesterday it got somewhat better...my PCP's nurse calls and says that the ultrasound did show a mass...now why didn't they just wait to do a detailed reading and then tell me whats going on instead of just jumping the gun...uuughhh....so now I have to go in for a CT Scan....and then see a surgeon here...maybe then we'll finally know what this thingy on my left side is....
September 17th 2005
I go to see my PCP...it's Tuesday....and he tells me there is a vague mass on my spleen....he goes on to say that since I had a clear ultrasound in March that he isn't worried about cancer...
ok stop a minute...cancer??? who said anything about cancer???
so then he wants me to have a CT Scan ASAP and then see a surgeon...ok....
The next day I'm off for a CT Scan....interesting thing...I had to drink some barium....ewwww and then get some dye injected...the dye was funky....it made my mouth taste like metal and it made me want to pee...but anyways....
Today I go and see the surgeon....this is the same surgeon who took out my gallbladder...and he is now a surgeon who also does WLS...but he only does the type I didn't want to have...so he asks me why I had the one I did...and then poked my left side....and then he says...it's nothing...it's in the muscle...go home and take some motrin...and that was then end of my visit...he didn't give me the dosage to take...or how often...or even offer to write me a script....he just sent me on my way....
Now here I sit...pretty upset...and in pain...makes me wonder if this is in my head or not...but then I remember that my PCP feels it too....so it would have to be in his head too....maybe we're having a group hallucination or something....
So my PCP wrote me a script and I have an appointment to see him the end of this month...I guess we'll just have to wait and see....
September 27th, 2005
Ok...I love the Happy Bunny...cracks me up!!! I even have a keychain with the Bunny....I came across this test online
try it out...this is what I am
congratulations.
you are the kiss my ass happy bunny.
You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
April 25th 2006
Ok...I know I have not update this in soooooo long...and I'm sorry for that...but we have moved to a different state and life in general has been just a tad hectic....
So I had my WLS surgery in May of 05, it's been almost a year. I've lost a lot of weight and I'm happy about that.
But, there's always a but right?
But I have this pain on my left side...I've had this pain since surgery...in the beginning I was told
- You just had surgery...pain is normal...it will go away
- You had major surgery, your insides were rearranged, and things are still settling in, it will go away
So I waited...and waited and it didn't go away...so I've had x-rays, CT Scans, Ultrasounds, Upper GI's, I've been poked and prodded and have seen more doctors than I care to remember.
Let me first say that this pain is REAL...my left side (front, right under my ribs) HURTS...it hurts if I move too much and it hurts if I sit in one position too long, it hurts most of the time, with the few occasions where I'm actually not in pain...I am not making this up for sympathy, attention or a prescription for pain pills (I don't take anything stronger than extra strength Tylenol)
So this is what I've been told so far:
-suck it up; learn to live with it (and many variations of the same tune)
-well it seems you're really in pain, but we don't know why (again also many variations of the same tune)
-it could be adhesions, but we don't want to operate because that could cause more adhesions
-it's a pulled muscle, go home and take some Motrin
I just went and saw a surgeon the other day...this sums up what he said after he poked my side twice
-Why did I have a DS for weight loss? That's not standard procedure...whose idea was that?
-he believes that my pain is not from adhesions
-he believes I suffer from chronic pain syndrome stemming probably from a damaged or bruised nerve
-he wants me to go to a pain management clinic....where he says there are counselors and even psychiatrists...
-he thinks I'm a good candidate for the clinic here but if not I can always go to a different one (over an hour away)
-he thinks I can be treated with shots...but can't say if they can permanently fix my problem
I've now contacted a WLS surgeon in the area (I recently moved here) and will be able to see him in a few days...all I can do is hope for the best...although I'm completely prepared for the worse.
I'm angry and frustrated, I feel like nobody is taking me serious and I feel like these doctors are assuming that I am making this pain up (for whatever crazy reason). I'm almost at the end of my rope...I'm actually at the point where I want to check myself into a hospital and refuse to leave until that take care of me.
I know doctors are only human too, I understand that they don't know everything. All I want is for them to be honest...if they don't know then tell me straight up "I don't know"...and let me go to a different doctor who might have some different options.
I'm tired, tired of getting poked and prodded and sent off to this test and that lab. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a 2 year old crying just to get attention.
Oh well...so is life I guess...I'll keep fingers and toes crossed and hope this new doctor can help me.
May 14th 2006
It's been almost year now since I had weight loss surgery....some people call this day their "re-birthday"....I'm not so sure I want to call it that....some people are excited and celebrate...I'm not so sure I want to do that either....
Don't get me wrong...the surgery itself was a big deal...but now life is just life...this is just another day...I guess I'm just not willing to focus my entire life or being around this surgery...
Last year when I got on that plane to fly to Nebraska to have my surgery a lot of things were running through my head...not all of them clear to me at the moment...I wasn't afraid of dying...I knew in my heart that I would be fine and come home to my family....I wasn't afraid of being a failure or of the possible side effects...in fact...I don't think fear was one of the emotions I was experiencing ...I had hope...hope that I would finally be able to enjoy a day at the park without my hips and back hurting...hope that I wouldn't need a wheelchair when I turned 40 and hope that my ailments would get better rather than worse....I was calm and at peace...because I knew in my heart that this was the right choice for me...I felt as if I had done enough research and soul searching and that I hadn't made this desicion on a whim....I was excited and a little nervouse....
After spending a night in a motel...I walked to the hopsital at 5am to check in....as I sat there waiting I thought about my husband and daughter and hoped that they weren't worried...the last thing I remember before surgery ...is telling the anestegeologist that I needed him to make sure I was ok because I wanted to go home to my family...he smiled and promised things would be fine...
He kept his promised...I woke up later that day and although I was a bit out of it...life was good...
I had some minor things go wrong in the beginning...and I've had some unexplainable pain for the last year...I've been poked and proded, scanned and tested...I've seen more doctors than I care to count...and to be honest...there have been quite a few days that I have completly regretted having this surgery...there have been quite a few days that I honestly could say that I would not do it again knowing what I do now...
This surgery hasn't been life changing...you see...I've always made the best of my life...being fat didn't bother me...I knew who I was and I liked who I was...I was confident and enjoyed myself...however being fat did cause me to be in pain...a LOT of pain...that's why I made this desicion...unfortunatly for me ..it seems I have traded one pain for another...and some days I just want to scream...at least the pain I was in while I was fat was explainable...it wasn't a mystery and I knew how to fix it...I can't say that now...
If you ask me today...would I do it again...today I would say yes...I don't know about tomorrow...
If you ask me if this surgery has changed me...I would have to say NO...it's still me...silly crazy me...I'm still who I was last year or the year before...and I still like who I am...
If you ask me today what effect losing over 100 pounds has had on me or my life...well...I dunno really...I have never really looked at my life based on my weight...there are of course the superficial things...like being about to buy clothes at regular stores...having people treat you differently...having men look at you...but those things don't mean anything to me....
I guess the major effect has been that my hips and back rarely hurt...and that I can finally go out all day with my daughter and not worry about how much I'm going to hurt...and since I can do that I do consider this surgery a success...
May 22, 2007
2 years out…a life defined
It’s been 2 years now since I had a type of weight loss surgery (DS to be more specific). I just went back and re-read my 1 year anniversary post. I sat here for a while and tried to figure out if things are different today than they were last year. I have to say…yes they are.
I have come to realize that this surgery defines my life. I know that sounds a bit drastic…but as much as I hate to admit it…it’s true. It’s not that kind of in your face life defining thing…it’s the silent just kinda there defining.
I find myself looking at the protein on packages…summing up the protein in foods listed on the menu of any given restaurant., in the evening before I get ready to go to bed...I find myself backtracking through my day…counting what I ate…going over what I had enough of and what I missed out on…seeing if I should have a glass of milk before bed…or some cheese…or should I have a glass of water to make sure I had enough fluids for the day. I pack snacks for road trips based on protein content. My husband asks me what I had for lunch…I end up telling him the food and how much protein …all habit…he just chuckles and says he loves me.
I find that people who know me always ask how much I have lost, can I eat that or have this. Some of my friends ask if they can pass out my email to their other friends who are considering having WLS. I find myself explaining to perfect strangers why I am eating like a 12 year old. I go to the urgent care for pain (knowing its kidney stones) and one of the first things out of my mouth is “I had WLS 2 years ago…this is what my insides look like” Oddly enough…I also tell people who are new in my life. People who seem to be the type of people I may want to have in my life for a while. I don’t know why…it seems like I just want to have things out in the open from the start…kinda saving myself from explaining things later on.
Don’t get me wrong…I knew that I would have to watch what I eat after surgery…I knew that this surgery would be my life…but knowing it and living it….2 different things.
I think all of this just recently hit home. I had my labs done and they came back with some issues. My protein wasn’t where it should be and my iron wasn’t right either. I suffer from seasonal depression and we had a long long harsh winter. I fell back into my old habits…not eating and when I did eat…I ate all the wrong things…I slacked off on my vitamins and just generally let myself go. Seeing those lab results really shocked me…I never thought about what would happen if I slacked off for a bit…I just never realized how much I would have to get a grip on my life. Sure I knew what I was told…and I knew all the things I had read…but…again…knowing and living…2 totally different things. The shock wore off and I slapped myself a few times…got back on track...and I am trying to stay there…but let’s face it…I’m 36 now…2 years post op…what are the realistic chances of me slacking off again?
Looking at all of this now…I have to say I do have one regret…I regret that I didn’t deal with my issues before surgery…I regret that I didn’t know…and I mean really know…that I would end up in this cycle of dealing with all my baggage head on…If I could go back…knowing what I know now…I think I would have went into counseling first…dealt with my obvious problems. I would have figured out how to work through my issues instead of eating my way through them. If I had to do it all over again I’m not sure I would have had surgery. Sure…I lost 120 + pounds…and yes I am healthier…and yes I look and feel better…but…I am still the same person I was before…I didn’t “fix” anything…I didn’t deal with anything…I only changed the way my stomach and intestines are arranged and how they work.
I have always been an emotional eater and a stress eater. Now I am in the same boat I was in before, only now I can’t turn to food to deal with my problems, well I can turn to food…but I can’t get the satisfaction or high that I used to get from eating. See 4oz of any type of food just isn’t enough to bury or pacify anything. So what do I do now…what do turn to…how do I cope…how do I deal?
I seem to be in the minority with my thinking. Ok…let me clarify that. I don’t see many other people posting along the same lines as I seem to be thinking. Mostly I read “life is great! “and “everything is wonderful” or “things couldn’t be better”. So I have to ask myself…am I the only one who still has to fight my demons…am I the only one who wasn’t magically fixed? I tend to hope that I am not the only one out there in this situation…maybe I am just the only one who wants to talk about it.
Sitting here I can say that the only savior I have is my insane fear of becoming addicted to something else I have read quite a few articles on addiction transfer…and man I can see myself as a candidate. I know people who are addicted to alcohol, drugs and other things and I refuse to end up like that.
I try to use other avenues…I have hobbies…things to do…and for now…I can deal…for the most part…or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
