Shelly M.
My story starts in 2005 before surgery and goes to 14 months later (February 2007) when I started blogging updates.
I wrote this while weighing 250 pounds, before my surgery which was 11-22-05. Here is what I am looking forward to losing besides weight: Snoring, insomnia, sleep apnea, aching knees, shortness of breath, barely fitting in an airplane seat, double chin, tight waistbands, under-wire bras poking my sides, black pants, sweating from wearing cardigans to cover the back fat rolls, SEVEN prescriptions, high blood pressure, palpitations, buying huge carts of groceries, being invisible to men, back aches, puffy ankles and sore feet, worrying about a heel breaking off when wearing high heels, not being able to breathe while at Lake Tahoe or any place over the elevation of 4000 feet, fear of dropping something on the floor and not being able to pick it up without a noticeable scene, splitting my pants and possibly falling and not getting back up (gracefully anyway), bruises from catching corners with my hips as I pass through/pass by counters etc., being hotter and sweating more than others, not knowing what clothes fit each week, buying clothes according to how they hide my fat rather than what I like, dreading parties and events wearing the standard all black fat girl outfit, choking from necklaces that are too short, lack of respect from thin people who don't get it, the lectures from my gynecologist, cardiologist and every other doctor I've ever seen, not being able to swim without traumatic anxiety over what I look like in a bathing suit, having a near stroke while trying to shave my legs while standing, putting on socks, shoes and nylons, grunting when I get in and out of my car, visible jiggling from head to toe when driving over railroad tracks, industrial size underwear and bras, not being able to wear a button front ANYTHING, not being able to clean my whole house in one day from pure exhaustion, giant panty lines, increased chance of cancer, heart disease, depression, hormone imbalances. And they think the reason for weight loss surgery is VANITY. HA! Ya, that's it....I just want to look pretty, LOL.
11/7/05
Two weeks until lift-off!
This past weekend I bought chewable calcium, several versions of protein drinks to try out, some slippers for the hospital trip and a new bathroom scale. This was the first time in my life I was actually excited about buying a scale. I cleaned out my closet and sorted clothes according to size. I had a wide range of sizes in there, so it will be nice to not have to buy new clothes "on the way down". I refuse to pay a dime for another super-sized piece of clothing. I have told everyone at work what I am going to have done, so they can start getting used to the idea and start asking their stupid questions and making their insensitive uneducated comments. I can already predict who will support me and who will be nasty to me as I begin to lose the weight and look and feel better. I am eating the few last forbidden foods and saying goodbye to them like old friends who were a bad influence on me. It's strange how it's not scaring me anymore to move ahead with the surgery. I am truly ready!
11-12-05
OMG! One Week to Go!!!
A week from Monday is the first day of my new life. People are starting to make comments to me about what I am giving up by having the surgery "you'll never be able to eat a big hamburger again" and "why would you do this before the holidays" and "you don't look fat enough to have surgery" and "watching commercials about food will be torture for you after surgery". I've decided to keep track of the stupid comments along the way, as they can be very entertaining. I've had blood taken, a chest x-ray and EKG done, and a psychiatrist deemed me sane, LOL. I have one more thing to do and that is my Cardiolyte Cardiac Stress Test. Translated: They inject me with medication to make my heart vessels glow under nuclear x-ray to see how it functions and what kind of blockage I may have and then determine if my heart can withstand the stress of the surgery. I have purchased some liquid vitamins and I've started sampling the protein drinks. I went out to breakfast this morning with my daughter as one of my many "last meals" LOL. I started throwing away food that I won't eat after surgery. Today I am taking my measurements. That ought to be fun (not). After that I am going to mend the last few pair of black fat pants I wear to work so I can get just a few more miles out of them. OK, so yes I am starting to get excited :)
The Weekend Before Surgery
Friday - the last day at work before my leave.
As promised, I will be keeping track of the things people say in response to my telling them about the surgery. Today I told my boss and she immediately started to tell me that I didn't need it....and I stopped her mid-sentence and said to her "I weigh 250 pounds" and her jaw dropped and she replied "well you really pack it in well" LOL. We both laughed. I told her about my health and she then turned from joking to a role of support with her comments. Interesting that people will deem it OK if you have "approved" health issues like heart disease. All of a sudden their judgement melts and it is OK with them for me to have the surgery. Another coworker said "who knows, you might end up a size five". I died laughing. I was born a size five I told her. Seriously, it is funny what people think. I am a big girl without the fat, so unless there is significant bone loss, there will be no size five in my future, LOL. Double that number and that is a fantasy size for me (10). Get real people. Yet another one of my staff asked me about my sister, knowing she had the RNY earlier this year. Her question was "does she look way older now that she lost her weight"? Then last but not least, two friends of mine took me to lunch for "the last supper". It was neat for them to do that. I had a Reuben and french fries. Boy are those days over now! Another coworker brought me two chocolate bars and some low-carb breakfast drink mix (carnation). Some pre-food and some post-food! Other comments surrounded Thanksgiving plans. Everyone listing their menus, and what they were cooking for the holiday. I responded to most of them saying I would be drinking turkey broth. That turned up noses right away. Eeeew! They said. And "you are going to miss all the Thanksgiving food" etc. etc. I wanted to say "and you are going to miss wearing nice fitting jeans and bathing suits for the rest of your life" . Hmmm, you do the math. Pie or nice jeans for life? Or better yet, pie or being able to breathe and climb stairs without chest pain?
The Last Saturday on the Fat Side
Maple sausage links, eggs and toast, orange juice and coffee. Real butter. A total forbidden breakfast. Vacuuming the house, getting short of breath at the end of doing each room. Sweating like a pig (like the pig I was at breakfast, LOL).
Sunday before Surgery
Got really nervous last night after reading posts from others who got the LapBand and were struggling. Scares me to death to think I could go through all of this and fail. Some positive posts came along to balance things out, but my nerves are still high. Today I am staying off the site and I am going to focus positively to prepare for Tuesday (surgery day).
Monday 11/21 - (The day before & Day of Surgery)
Met with Dr. Jossart and had my height and weight and BMI and % fat done. I am 5'7.5", 250 pounds, BMI 38.8 and I am 49% fat! Wow. Half of me is pure fat! All of my tests came out OK so it's a GO for surgery tomorrow. I checked into the hotel with my 2 sisters. One of them had the RNY in May this year. She was good support to have with me! My other sister was sweet too. It was nice to have them both there. Tuesday morning I checked into the surgery center at 7 AM and at 10:30 AM I was on my feet and walking out the door. Amazing! My surgeon has perfected his surgery to much tht he has transitioned it into an outpatient process.They loaded me up with pain medication and I was on my way! My sisters took me to the ocean on our way home!
Friday 11/25 - (3 days after surgery)
Spent Thanksgiving day on liquids and pain medication. Very sore and very tired but a tiny bit better each day. A wide range of emotions. Glad I did it but some fears and doubts pass on occasion. Frustrated to feel so crappy but I know it will pass. Port pain and nausea today and an occasional super painful hiccough.
Saturday 11/26 - (4 days post-op)
Still having pain, called the surgeon yesterday. He said it is the port attached to the muscle wall that is causing the pain. I thought I would feel better by now, but I guess you can't rush the healing process. I am supposed to go back to work Monday so that worries me. I can't imagine putting on pants right now. I think I will take a short walk today and do some stretches. I feel so stiff and sore. It's weird to think that I haven't eaten any food for six days. That's a first in my life! I'm not hungry, thank God!
Sunday 11/27 - (5 days post-op)
Went to the grocery store and got different flavored broths and assorted herbal fruit teas. Still having pain on my left side and getting frustrated about not feeling better. Sitting hurts, lying on my side hurts, moving quickly hurts. Walked a bit today and only took one short nap. No nausea today.
Tuesday 11/29 - (7 days post-op)
Monday came and went. There was no way I was going to be able to go back to work. I am tired of being a patient. I want the pain to go away so I can get back to life. But then again, knowing me, I would do too much if I didn't have the pain, so maybe it's a gift after all. I weighed today....I've lost 10 pounds already. WOW. That was quick. I am off to a great start. It is a very strange feeling to know that each time I pass different weight milestones, it is the last time in my life I will see that number reflected on the scales. That is pure hope. It is weird to go through this process once and for all. A good weird :)
Wednesday 11/30 - (8 days post-op)
Was up all night with abdominal muscle spasms in tears. I could not lie flat without excruciating pain. I am so frustrated right now. I know there must be a lesson in here somewhere. I'm clearly not getting it yet, LOL.
Sunday 12/4 - (12 days post-op)
Haven't posted an entry for a bit. Today was the first day I woke up feeling like I might be getting back on my feet. I had some energy and no spasms, just normal aching pain at the port site. I am off this week and I think Monda is the day I will finally get back to work. This week's goal is to wear clothes instead of sweats and drive again! I am not doing too bad with the liquids. I see the surgeon next week and hopefully I will have my diet advanced. At this point anything that you can chew sounds like heaven. I haven't been hungry THANK GOD. That would be horrible. So, today is a turning point and this week is "get back to normal week" for me.
Wednesday 12/7 - (15 days post-op)
I'm going to LIVE!!!!!!!!!!! OK, so I am finally finally feeling better. Some aching pain still where the port is, but no spasms. My back has been hurting for some weird reason but I can handle that one! I think it's from having so few comfortable positions when sleeping. Anyway, I am having a few new soups like tomato and split pea so I am finally getting some variety and that helps a lot! I've made a chart in MS Excel to track my daily protein, fluid and calories. It really helps to have a tool to keep track of everything. I am so happy to report that I am feeling "almost normal" again!
December 29, 2005 - (Five weeks since surgery):
I am having a hard time listening to my new stomach. I can't tell when I am full or hungry. I can't tell if I need to burp. It's bizarre. I am afraid to eat too much so I stop eating when I think I have eaten enough volume. Then I get hungry an hour later. I have 1cc in my band and I have been comparing notes with others who have a bit more (1.3 for example) and they are miserable with golf ball pain and throwing up what they eat. Getting to the right fill size is a real pain. I look forward to the day that I can stop thinking about it so much. My weight loss has stopped for now and I even gained two pounds then lost it again. So I take my baby steps towards my new way of life and try to be patient through the journey. I started back at the gym as of yesterday so that will help. Lots of new life adjustments, but so far it has been worth every struggle. And besides, it's not a race....it's a new way of life for me and that is how I will keep focused on moving forward and being successful.
January 11, 2006 - (Seven weeks post-op)
I am down 22 pounds. The weight loss really slooooooowed down. It is hard to be patient when there is so much more weight to lose. I remind myself that it is a slow process, but a final process. This time I won't gain it back. This time it's not a diet. It is a new way of life, for the rest of my life. I was starting to obsess about weighing every day so I put the scales into the garage. When I weigh every day it has a lot to do with my mood, my level of confidence etc. So, my scale is being punished and it is locked outside in the garage! I've had three experiences where I had the "swallowed a golf ball pain". The first was from soy nuts. If I eat more than a small handful it gets stuck and hurts. The next was thick yogurt of all things. It goes down slow and the thickness makes it tough to pass though the band. The third was a banana. I love bananas but OUCH! It really hurt. Last, was a sandwich made on toasted bread. The bread was stuck and went down slowly and painfully. All other foods so far have been fine. It is trial and error. So, I keep focused on the daily adjustments and try to keep motivated as the pounds slowly drop.
January 17, 2006 - It's been eight weeks, officially two months post-op. My experiment of putting the scales in the garage for a week WORKED! I lost four more pounds, for a grand total of 26. Not weighing every day is hard, but I lost the weight, so I have to believe that weighing too often has a lot to do with my emotions and eating habits! My BMI is 35 now. I am 1/3 of my way to goal. My shoes are fitting loose and my face looks different (less chins). My hands look thinner too. Weird! I carry my weight from head to toe, so I can't tell the difference as much in my clothes. I am wearing the same pants I wore pre-op. They look a heck of a lot better on me now, but 26 pounds didn't change my pant size at all. Another weird thing eh? So, I push forward and celebrate the victories along the way. Hoping my next victory is.........a new pant size!
February 22, 2006 - Three month mark!!! I am down 28 pounds. I went to see Dr. Feng for my three month check-up and my band was filled to 1.5 cc. We talked about the importance of exercise (I know I know) and he also reminded me to keep the portions small even though I feel like I can eat more. He said that overeating can cause many issues, including band slippage, stretched esophagus, etc. Not a pretty thought. He also reminded me to always eat the protein first and try to go easy on the carbs of course. I definitely feel the difference with the fill increase from 1.0 to 1.5 cc. I can still eat comfortably but not as much as before and I feel full longer now thank goodness. I was a little discouraged about only losing 28 pounds in 3 months but it is 28 pounds I will never see again and that is a first for me. I would have regained all of it by now if I was dieting without the help of my band. So once again I focus on the positives, take the journey a step at a time (a pound at a time) and count my blessings for being 28 pounds lighter than I was three months ago! Onward!
April 9, 2006 - It has been a hell of a struggle! It has been about 6 weeks of maintaining the same weight now. Actually I have gained two pounds. When I eat the protein, it hurts like hell, sticks in my pouch and slowly empties, only to be hungry soon again. What a tricky thing this is. If it is too loose, the protein hurts like hell while passing through the band. I guess I need a tighter fill to make this work. I have an appointment for the 19th. Another ten days to go. I have to say I am so glad that I have at least maintained the weight I have lost so far. In the past, every pound of it would have been back on, plus more. I did start exercising (another positive to balance out the negative). I am walking on the treadmill 30 minutes a day (at least 4-5 days a week if not more). That has to help some. This week I am going to try to stick to a diet plan (God how I hate the word diet) but I really need to see some progress. Discouragement is settling in. Still stuck in those size 16's even though they are baggy, they are still damn size 16's. Well, I thought I should update my site, even though it wasn't all perfect, positive and wonderful. Life as an overeater sucks until the day you die. I am learning that lesson everywhere I look. Two people I am close to that had the gastric bypass surgery have gained quite a bit. One I am guessing 40-50 pounds and the other at least 30. They hit the two year mark and just as the literature says, weight starts to pack back on and old habits creep back into your life. Once an addict always an addict I guess. I do have some good news and that is I have been able to get off of three prescriptions so far. My cardiologist is happy with me and the slow progress I have made. That is a victory for sure! Cholesterol has dropped from 231 to 212, and I am off one of my blood pressure medications (no longer taking Plendil). Blood pressure is much improved! So I pull myself up from any discouragement....and try like hell to make this work. Until next post........
April 20, 2006 - I went to the surgeon's for a follow-up visit. As expected, I had not lost since last appointment. I was actually relieved to have not gained. He told me once again that portion size has to be limited even if I feel like I want to/can eat more. He took my hand and pointed at my palm and said that no portion of protein should be any bigger than the palm of my hand. For some reason that has really stuck with me. I look at my hand now and it really helps to bring home the reminder of appropriate portion size. My band was filled with an additional .3 cc, for a total of 1.8. It has been just two days since the fill adjustment but so far I can tell the difference. First of all, I do get full sooner, with less food. Second, and most importantly, I stay full. I had a weird experience the other night. I was watching TV and I thought to myself "I want a snack". Then I sat there and realized I wasn't hungry and I really didn't want a snack. It was totally out of habit that I thought of having a snack. So I just sat there and thought to myself, I am not even hungry so I am not going to eat. Another small victory for a lifetime of changing habits. I am trying to exercise by walking on the treadmill but I haven't done it as frequently as I started. OK, so focus on the positive and keep taking small steady steps forward to a new way of living.
April, 2006 - FIVE MONTH MARK AND THIRTY POUNDS LOST!! YAHOOOOOOOO!
May 5, 2006 - Last fill worked great for about a week then it tapered off. I decided to go back in for a "tune up". I got another fill yesterday and I am now at 2.1 cc. I have been really tight since yesterday and can't keep much of anything down but I was reading on the support site and it sounds like most people go on a modest liquid diet for 48 hours after a fill to play it safe. I am so glad to find that out because I am really sore and I can't keep food down so I will go back to the basics and try fluids and protein drinks until things calm down. I don't want to get an un-fill because the swelling really seems to subside after a few days and over time, things settle down. The support website really bailed me out this time, since it is a Saturday and my surgeon is two hours away. I will post again soon, and let you know how it went. I am off to have a cup of warm fruit tea to soothe this band of mine.
May 8, 2006
I have to say that this fill has kicked my butt and I fully deserve the wake-up call! I was really nervous over this past weekend, not being able to eat, throwing up what I did eat and almost not able to get fluids down from all the irritation and swelling, but things are settling down now and I am now very grateful for the lesson! I am now taking in plenty of protein, fluids and vitamins and I am using this time to get back in sync with my band. I was not losing as quickly as I wanted to, and honestly I have been able to eat more than I should have. This past fill kicked my a** and really got my attention. I am riding out the difficulties and using this time to re-focus on my band and listen to my body. Things have improved over the past 72 hours and now I am forced to really THINK about what I am eating and sloooow things down and chew chew chew and spend my calories wisely. A tight fill can be scary but if you are able to calm down and get focused and take in the protein and fluids and vitamins, it can be just the ticket to getting back on track! I have learned something very valuable in all this and for that I am thankful.
May 14, 2006
The fill that I had on 5/5 has been a real adjustment but today the scales are showing weight loss again after a long plateau! I've had to slow way down on my eating, chewing and listen to my body much more closely since the fill. I have decided to stay at this fill amount (rather than get a slight un-fill) because I am forced to deal with better eating choices and I am finally losing weight. As things settle down and weight comes off I can always reconsider and get an adjustment. I think for maintenance I would not want to be this tight, but for losing weight.....it is working in my favor!
July 8, 2006 - It's been 7 ½ months since surgery and I am down 41 pounds. The weight has come off much slower than I had hoped, but I have to keep focused on the positive. The pounds ARE leaving and not coming back and this is the first time in my life that I have been able to say that after losing 41 pounds. By now I would have regained all of it, plus more. I saw my surgeon Friday and had a tiny fill of .1cc so now I am at 2.2 cc. Some days I want to just have the damn thing closed shut to keep me from eating, and other days I wish I could open the damn thing and eat like I used to. It has been a real roller coaster and no picnic. I must say that the LapBand is NOT for everyone. It takes a tremendous amount of motivation and will power to make it work. It is so easy to cheat around the band and eat unhealthy choices. If you are reading this and you have a choice between gastric bypass and the LapBand I strongly suggest that you do a lot of research before deciding. The LapBand takes a strong commitment and it is truly just a tool. The bad side of the gastric bypass surgery is the risk of weight re-gain. I know two people personally who have had the bypass surgery and they have gained considerable weight once they passed the two year mark. There just isn't a perfect solution out there. Each one has downfalls. I am hoping that with the LapBand that I am able to maintain my weight when I reach goal. If I go through all of this and regain my weight I will be pissed! Bottom line, it is up to me. I am still dealing with the reality that it is a lifetime battle that I will always have to fight.
As far as eating goes, I've thrown up a lot more since my last two fills (technically it is not throwing up, its productive burp or PB as the website calls it). The good news is, if I overeat my body tells me and it comes right back up. It only takes a few of those times for me to stop overeating. Some foods are tough to eat and I need to stay away from them. Shrimp is something that is guaranteed to "clog my drain" as I like to say. Bread is a total disaster. I avoid it completely now. Nuts also clog me up too, especially soy nuts. And I can't drink anything AT ALL after eating or everything comes back up immediately. I have learned to quench my thirst before eating, and then I eat my food. I only have to wait 5 or 10 minutes after drinking. That seems to work out well for me. Bananas for some reason clog me up. They really hurt going down so I totally stopped eating them. It is so weird. Some foods that you think would be fine are the worst. It takes a lot of trial and error to figure it out. Chicken can get stuck if it is dry. I have to really chew it well and eat it with a sauce or something. Some deli-meats get stuck for some reason, which is really weird. Sometimes when I eat, it makes a gurgling sound when it is passing through the band site. It is embarrassing if I am in a quiet room or something. I can’t control it at all. It’s very strange.
Well, I am about half way there and I am trying to stick with it the best I can. I am better off now than I was without it so I don’t regret doing it. I have made progress with my health which is the most important thing. My cardiologist is really pleased. I hope to be off all of my medication someday. I have been able to get off most of it already!
I don’t exercise like I should and that is a lot of the reason the weight is coming off so slowly. I hate to exercise and always have. It is really hard to stick to it. I am being honest, it is hard work and usually no fun. No matter what I have tried in my life I have never stuck with it. I have a treadmill collecting dust and clothes in my bedroom, and I look at it every day and can’t get the motivation to do it. That is my second big confession, LOL. I am a lifetime overeater and hate to exercise! There I said it! So my battle continues.
August 5, 2006 - I am down 47 pounds and just three pounds from my 50 pound lost milestone, and four pounds away from Onederland. I am down six pounds in a month which is pretty good for me. I was struggling for quite a while but seem to be back on track since the last fill. My current challenge is to get enough fluid in. If I forget to drink between meals I tend to get behind in my fluid intake for the day. I am also noticing fluctuations in tightness. Some days I am tighter than others. I think that my fill is probably the right amount because on "normal" days when I am not feeling too tight, I can eat a small meal and stay full around 3 hours. It has taken me months to get to this point. I encourage the new bandsters to stay on top of their fills. I waited too long and struggled unnecessarily. I should have had fills more frequently. It took a while for me to find the right fill and I suffered through long plateaus.
February 3, 2007 (14 months after surgery). Shame on me for waiting so long to post. The good news is, I am living a pretty normal life now and I do not think of the band 24 hours a day like I used to. It is such a gift to not be obsessed with it anymore, and now I just wake up every day and go about my routine. I am down 62 pounds and feel like a million bucks. I saw my cardiologist a few weeks ago and I am officially off ALL prescriptions, have normal blood pressure, and I am just plain healthy. I have met the most important goal off all, and that was to get my health back. I am truly blessed that my heart issues were related to obesity and not genetics. My last fill was 3 months ago and I am at 2.7 cc in a 4 cc band. I saw my surgeon in January and he did not think I needed a fill since I am slowly but surely still losing weight so he held off. It was weird to leave his office without getting a fill. He is a fanstastic doctor and really interviewed me before he made the decision to not fill. There is danger of being too tight which leads people into eating all the wrong foods (easy to digest carbs, liquids and sweets). It is a delicate balance to keep the right fill amout to avoid the trap of eating the wrong foods. I am going to see how it goes this next few weeks and then go back in to re-evaluate. I am in a size 12 and that is still hard to believe. It has been years since I have worn that size. I got rid of all of my "fat clothes" for the first time in my life. I have never lost weight and known for sure I wasn't going to get fat again, but this time I know for sure and that is a great feeling. My shoe size has gone from a 10 to a 8 1/2. I haven't worn an 8 1/2 since I was in my 20's. Underware are falling off, and I am going through bra sizes at a regular speed. My body is weird looking now, with loose skin in some areas I never had it before. I have to focus on the positive and be grateful for the weight loss but it is still hard sometimes. I am between 33 and 38 pounds from goal. Sometimes that sounds like a lot and other times it sounds like nothing. I expect that I won't see goal for another year. It will be intresting to see how long it actually takes. I am in no hurry and I still remain grateful that the scales continue to go down, regardless of the speed!! I am so deeply grateful for the 62 pounds lost. I look forward to continuing my journey.
