February 8th, 2015
Feb 07, 2015
I got me email reminging me of how long it has been. 9 years. That is how long my life has been extended. That is how long I have had to work on my body, mind, and soal. I reviewed the last few enterys I made, none in the last few years as my life is a busy, beautuiful existance and I would not trade it for all the money in the world.
Even the last couple of weeks have had me reeling. I was just promoted to a salary position at work, witnessed my dearly departed BFF's second grandchilds birth. (and she is perfect!) Still care for my adult disabled daughter, her husband, and my mother... who's health has improved as I have controlled her food preperation and medical care for the last couple of years. She was also given only 3 years to live 4 years ago,. I know every day is a bonus... and I KNOW she is happy and has everything she needs by us caring for her.
My body is at it's normal. After the 5 year mark, I have slowly gained 20 lbs. At first I kept panicing and trying to adjust my diet by joining a dieting group, but that just made it worse. I found I just have to keep in the food groups that work for me and let the rest go. Staying off the scale helps. Even after surgery, it is not really my freind. What am I comparing myself to anyways? My doctor says I am healthy as a horse. My "up- from - surgery but no where it used to be weight" has stayed the same for so long now that I feel comfortable. I was careful at the time of surgery to let the doctor know I was worried about being too skinny, and that healthy was my goal. I am healthy.
I am turning 51 years old this year. For the last few silent years away from this sight, I have been traveling for work where I will slip into a lovely cocktail dress for evenings out... traveling on vacations where I actually wearing bathing suits in public. I do get dizzy when standing up on occasion, but, for me it has been it is a vitamin issue that I can easily corrrect. just like any one else, I do get relaxed and forget to keep those little tasks on track. especially when I travel. I swear I have found every eating establishment from Illinois to Kentucky to Vegas that serves vegetables in some form I love. lol
The biggest habit I have to break is still buying clothes that are too big for me. I try to always put them on before purchase... and take a sounding board person with me, for what I believe looks like it will be too tight, seems to end up just right. I love wearing blouses at work, and am rarely self consious about how I look when I leave the house.
I hope your journeys are going as planned. I know from experience that it is a long road. My occasional bite too many can still cause me to get sick. That I still cannot eat icecream and drink milk. But, I am 50 years old and know I dont look it. Many a morning I feel like it, but I dont let it stop me from going for goals. and I have met them every year for 9 years now. I will try not to be such a stranger. Your journey needs attention too. Your successes are important and matter to the rest of us too. Just wait till your 9 plus years down the road. You will be amazed that your world will be completely changed and the stresses you feel know will be vanished.
It feels good to be able to manage my life. I am in control!
February 1st, 2012
Jan 31, 2012
I have been so busy with work and family that I completely forgot. It actually happens. You forget the Journeys start.. the tears and struggles of back then. What is happening now is that I still take my vitamins, watch what I eat, jackrabbit up and down with the same nasty 10 pounds that keep me worried enough to stay conscious of my eating and exercise.
What else is up? I am getting ready to travel for work and lead a team in Pennsylvania for a week.. then I come home for a week and then pack again for work to travel to Kentucky for 5 weeks.
I also have just fully recovered from having breast reduction surgery in October. I felt it was the last step in putting together a body I could live with. It is awesome!
In case you were wondering... I was a 40 triple g when I went in, and I am not a 40 d. My incredible surgeons gave me a Anchor cut, nipple graft, muscle strap breast lift. I had to do the nipple graft (cut them off... reshape the breast and then put them back on), Had to because my breast had fallen soooooo much that they couldn't do a lift without this step. So I have no feeling in my nipples, and the left one healing made the center a little funny looking.... but, I feel good about how they look. Honestly I don't wear a bra. The way they shaped them, I don't have to. It hurts to put a bra over them and irritates the scar line. Whoever would have told me I would ever leave my bedroom in my life without a bra on .... I would have thought was crazy! But, I bought a lot of Cami's and layer my clothes.. and I feel fantastic.
6 years and I have a different life. Livable. I don't mean perfect. I don't mean without everyday problems.. but, I do look forward to the good times and getting up and going out every day.
Last year my goal was to stop telling people I was busy and except every invitation I was given. I did it! I would stress and fuss and feel so self conscious before every outing... but, I went on EVER ONE. Hikes and parties and theater. I learned a lot about going for it and how much better I felt after I came home.
This year I have goaled myself to look up when I walk. to look people in the eyes more and not avoid eye contact when in public places. I have the whole year to gt this. I was out in Seattle last weekend and we walked Pike Place and across the water front. I Tell you, I wasn't perfect and I did have a hard time knowing who to look at and who to avoid. (IE., urine stained men, Blue haired woman with exposed butt in 35 degree weather.) But, when doing a transaction with a veggie vender.. I held my own. LOL
Wherever you are in your journey... know it only gets better.. and a lot of the goldeness you will obtain is unforeseeable. You just don't know the little pieces of magic along the way.
Luv you all..
July 2nd, 2011
Jul 02, 2011
If you are just starting this journey... don't think it will answer all your prayers or that you will be eternally happy, save your marriage or make you a supermodel body in the end. That is what it doesn't do.
What loosing all the weight you struggle with does do is make you healthy, makes you more active, makes you understand how much you have to work at being better... and that the work never goes away, but the rewards are plentiful. Just don't think you know how you will be rewarded. Chances are you will miss the mark.
Here's what I didn't expect to do.
NUMBER 1) I didn't know I too... as well as everyone who has met me in the last few years... will forget that I was ever extremely obese. Those family members and my own kids forget what I looked like. At least until someone pulls out some old photos. It is reeling to see the difference! Newcomers never believe I was ever overweight.
NUMBER2) I didn't expect to ever be in control of my eating. But practice makes perfect and for the first time in a lifetime, I am eating healthy and not having to think about it. I have simply designed my own loving eating habits that work for me. Not everyone else, just me. There is no cookie cutter style for all.
NUMBER3) I didn't expect anyone to look at me and think I was attractive. I still feel it is funny to say. I am average looking. I am funny looking if you take into consideration my boobs are way to big for my frame. But, when life gives you lemons.....
Except that you will be drinking lemonade and not a coke! I am what I am, and it is good.
NUMBER 4) I never knew I would be one to crave exercises... to feel the need to get up and go every day. That I needed my trainer and my treadmill and to be the one to mow my lawns so I could have something to do physically. Mostly because being idle is not good for my brain. But, it does feel good to move, and to lay down at night and be tired enough to sleep without tossing and turning.
I did not know what being alive was until I learned to live.
Losing weight did not make any of this better over night. It has been 5.5 years of work, work , and struggling to keep working at it.
But it has changed me. I beg you to not stop. There will be rewards, both big and small. Just not what you may assume it to be. Very worth it though.
February 2nd, 2011
Feb 01, 2011
I remember my doctor telling me that the 5 year mark would be significant. That how I looked at this point would be how I would look and feel the rest of my life. That my health would be like now, the 5 year mark of health. I am rarely sick, I have been in the gym for the last year with a trainer helping me twice a week to shape my body. The body that is curvy and natural looking with clothes on... LOL ( ONLY my mirror knows the truth. )
So let me tell you this about the 5th year.
My BFF died of cancer on December 22nd,2010 and her daughter gave her a grandson on January 28th, 2011.. and as a second mom... I was at the request of her daughter to be grandma. The baby is beautiful and perfect. and I was torn between all the amazement of his entering the world, and the fact I was there to be my BFF's eyes , and just wished it would have been her own eyes to witness the arrival of the gift her daughter wanted so bad to give her.
Just two days ago my cousin passed from a massive heart attack. She had a young daughter at home. They were each others world. Daughters without mothers. My own mother whom I care for has been gravely ill. I cannot imagine life without my mother.
Why so significant? Because the doctors told me in 2005.. that if I did not have this surgery, I would not live another year. Here I am, 5 years after my surgery and healthy as a horse... and I am outliving the people of my life whom are my age. It is heart wrenching and weird. I am here and healthy because I made what felt like such a selfich and imposing choice to have WLS. Now my drive to be healthy has affected me in the opposite way it has effected those whom gave up smoking and still dies of cancer... those who tried to rise above limitations and still were taken from us. But I am still here. My two daughters still have a mother. I am still here.
Vitamins are a daily must! Do not let them go wayside or you will not be at your best. This is a reality to WLS members.
I still struggle with volumn eating, and have to stay very aware of how much I put in my mouth.
I still hold up my jeans every morning and am amazed I even fit into them.
I still drink coffee like it is going out of style. I cannot live without my coffee. The strong smell and taste appeases me to no end.
Just last week I changed the picture on my badge at work . It was the last old picture I carried around and I got tired of people telling me it didnt look like me.
My daughter is in college, I am so happy that she is there and I am seeing her bloom.
I am still single because I have been learning to love myself. I have always loved my mind and soul... but I couldnt leave out body to really love myself. I am learning to love my body.. imperfect, reactionary, curvy, and all!
I have a trip to Hawaii to look forward to this May. One without kids and mom... just me. I wonder how that will go? lol
March 6th, 2010
Mar 05, 2010
I am learning a lot about my eating habits, and what I am doing wrong that keeps a 12 pound roller coaster going on in my life.
I am also learning that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Dating and work with built in manditory overtime and my home life and the gym is just too much. (So I dropped dating, LOL!) It wasn't going so hot anyways. I guess am too independant , and my life is so crammed full... that I cannot give these guys all the adorning attention they seem to need to make things work. I guess I am just not that type of person. It doesn't feel like too much of a loss... it doesnt feel like a loss at all, it actually feels like a relief to stop trying. (Wonder what that says about me! Everyone thinks I am giving up and tell me I am too picky. I just don't care to raise a boyfriend. Sorry . I don't have the patience for that.
My body is coming together nicely though. My core (tummy and back) are pulling in nicely. and the cardio seems to be relieving a lot of stress. I have also discovered HOT YOGA, which is a wow thing to do. I am just too tired to worry. LOL It actually felt good to get on the eleptical yesterday.
I am bouncing between sizes 14 and 16. (No petite flower here) but I like the way I am shaping. I know it will take till summer to smooth out the lumps and bumps I have left on my body. (Sagging skin and big boobs are another thing)
My work is having another biggest loser/ gainer contest. I am joining in just so I can sit in on the lunchen/ classes they are offering. I want to get as much info as I can! Outside of that, I am keeping my workouts private and personnal. It is about me. The only thing I have right now that is just about me. I kinda like it. the gym has become my escape from the world. feels pretty good to have an escape.
October 23, 2009
Oct 23, 2009
Eating wise, it was a struggle for me to be out and about. Work gave me a 1500 dollar allowance for 30 days. I spent 800 of it.... the scary part was looking at the receipts. That is when I realised that in the 30 day stay, I had almost 400 dollars worth of coffee consumed! I either ate my protiens from the hotels breakfast bar, or consumed peanut butter and crackers to avoid eating out. When I finally did eat out , it was more for the noise of people than the desire for food. The silence was deafening compared to my busy and noisy home. Dogs, kids and my mom's absense was too much. I found myself sitting in the coffee shop at the local book store or eating out merely for the clanking of cups and white noise of mixed voices and pitch of people.
But, really when I think about it, that is an amazing change for me. I would have loved to have any excuse to go out and devour mounds of food. Two buffet places within a mile of my stay... both were skipped over simply because (I told my co-workers) I could not make the most of them. reality is, it would have been nice to have a broad selection of food... but I would have eaten way too much and felt like crud. Why tempt myself to pain. I still struggle enough with my weight and eating right. I think that just will never go away. I was once a volumn eater... and I still like the feeling of fullness way too much to put just anything in this body.
My pants size has went up from a 14 to a 16. My doctor says it is because of the menapause and not to panic. My weight fight over 10 pounds stopped when I stopped fighting with it... it was a loosing battle. So, one size up and I am staying here. I just wanted to go back.
Vitamins and b complex still stay a vital part of my every day. I am coming up on 4 years later and I need them every day. Just try skipping them for a few days and see how bad you feel.
My hair loss is from menapause too. Even with proteins, I have become a shedding machine. LOL Funny the guys still tell me they love my long hair. As thin and secretly grey as it is. Haa Haa.
One year ago I had my tummy tuck. My body is as beautiful as any other average gal. My mind is happy and my clothes are pretty. What more can I ask for.
April 26th, 2009
Apr 26, 2009
Imagined FEARS. They are not real! All that is real is the is the IDEA that something bad can happen by me being in this new body. Nothing bad has happened yet. It may never happen. So, why paralyze myself with doubt and fears that never come to be.
My mind has been my worst enemy for 25 years. I projected the self hate and cruel belief that I was not worthy of a good and healthy life. Now I am finding I can actually beat my own demons. I never thought I could silence the mental Grey matter to simple white noise. But I am doing it.
I am not thinking negative thoughts every other magical moment I have. Who knew I could do this? (You probably told me already, I just wasn't listening because I didn't believe it was possible. )
Now for the weird part. I joined a on line dating service, and have been going out. Me, out and dating. Scary. Even scarier is the fact that boosted me to just going out with friends. I have been hitting the dance floors without worry or care... I have been sitting in a lounge and not afraid to look around. I also am not afraid to go home alone and keep my dignity. That is what makes it all good!!!
My Grey matter is now finding reason to support the new body and tell me it is okay to be myself. It is okay that I am not perfect and not skinny to the effect of some other women out there. I am okay just being me and that includes the outer crust as well as the creamy goodness of my heart and soul. All this is not worth letting 10 pounds creep up on me and make me think bad thoughts of myself. I am always working at this. I cannot turn off the vigilance and let myself go.
March 31st, 2009
Mar 31, 2009
The pictures are a must for me to see and reflect on. I struggle with the changes and how I feel about my body. This is a good reminder of both how far I have traveled on this journey and that I do look healthier and better. I also feel it is important for those who have not had the proceedure done to know it is important! After loosing all the weight (170 pounds for me) I felt like it just wasn't worth it when I still looked round as round. With my chest size and excess skin... I felt I didn't look much different. Now I see what a change it is. It didn't take away the mental struggle I face everyday with food. But it did remove a large portion of self consciousness I felt in public.
March 29th, 2009
Mar 29, 2009
During the party a freind suggested I join on online dating service to boost my meeting someone new. At first thought, I could not get it in my head that it would be anywhere near a good idea. but, even my dad thought it was a safe way to screen at a distance... before putting myself in arms length of potential partners. So I did. I joined and it does feel safe. I am not offended when someone is not interested. It just saves me from wasting time. I also have been able to NOT waste someone elses time when I am not comfortable with them. Two fold.
My weight has jumped up 10 pounds since my tummy tuck. I am working on this! It is all too easy to get comfortable with myself and not concentrate on what I am doing. I have also found myself layering my clothes and hiding my body. I figured out I was not buying what I feel comfortable in and therefore putting two or three peices on at once time to cover me up. So, I went out and purchased what I feel good in... longer shirts and less fitted outfits. I also bought two dresses! Both are nice.. although the fabric give made them a two size difference. Go figure. It is the chest. Stretchy fabric allows for a 14... restricted fabric requires a 18. But, giving fabric skirts are a 10. How does that work! LOL
I really do have to try everything on!
Work is going good. At least I am still working.. knock on wood. My hours are reduced. But, I am still making it there. I love keeping busy and cannot wait for the spring and summer outdoor activities to occupy my time. I say that and look outside at the snow right now. Depressing.
February 1st, 2009
Feb 01, 2009
My freind had not seen me since the tummy tuck. She met me in a coffee shop and almost screamed when she saw me. She kept repeating OMG.. OMG... you are so skinny. I told her we had to leave because people were staring. I told her it was funny that she kept saying that to me and yet I was feeling fat that day. ( I really was) That made her laugh even harder. I expected her to have a big reaction. All night she had me showing her my old pic and showering me with complements.
Like when I met an old co-worker and her daughter at the mall to go shopping. Her daughter walked right past me, then stopped, turned around and said really loudly, " Carol, that is you! I was looking for a fat woman!" Okay, she is just a kid.. but it was embarrassing because people turned and stared then too.
My freind last night also gave me great advice on starting to go out again. She told me to quit listening to the advice of the negitive sharer's I have. Freinds who like me single and available at their conveniance and that they were only giving me advice based on their needs and not my happiness. I know she is right. I love my freinds but a couple of them are very self serving. They even fight amoungst themselves on who is my "best" freind. Those kind of words do not come out of my mouth since it is a higherarchy bases and I love all my freinds. Still, I know she is right. I get so many mixed singnals from freinds about how to go about meeting someone. She just told me take it slow. That is what I tell myself. After being single for 10 plus years.. there is not rush now to move on. But I must admit I like the flirting. LOL
I returned the favor by talking to her about her recent divorce and how to cope with old feelings and getting on with herself. That is something I do understand. That is part of what got me here. Learning to love myself and take better care. Two surgeries and 170 pounds later, I am so much healthier and happier with life. I did not lose weight fast nor was it even remotely easy. On the flip side, I have survived to see my daughters grow, get a better job I love, help care for my ailing mother, and do all the things I love to excess. Gardening, camping, weekends with freinds. Reading and cooking better and healthier foods.
There are still negitives. I still struggle today with eating habits and control over the food I put into my body. Sometimes I am lonely and depressed. Not to mention a serious lack of confidence when it comes to the opposite sex.
Now I have nothing but time. Time to keep a visual on my food control, and time to learn to put myself out there and have fun. Three years and a whole new life. Good and Bad.
So worth it. I am still alive.