April 26th, 2009

Apr 26, 2009

Ah, well.  I have struggled in the last month with an added 10 pounds that came out of no where.  I have finally gotten those pesky things off my hips.  Then I think about how I am battling 10 pounds and treating it like I was still battling the entirety of my weight.  It is not the same.  Nor  are the excuses for how I let myself go on occasion and allow those few pounds to creep up on me.  There is no reason the advances I have made in socializing and living a new and healthy life should be stunted by my regressing behavior when old fears come up.  
Imagined FEARS.   They are not real!  All that is real is the is the IDEA that something bad can happen by me being in this new body.  Nothing bad has happened yet.  It may never happen.  So, why paralyze myself with doubt and fears that never come to be. 
My mind has been my worst enemy for 25 years.  I projected the self hate and cruel belief that I was not worthy of a good and healthy life.  Now I am finding I can actually beat my own demons.  I never thought I could silence the mental Grey matter to simple white noise.  But I am doing it. 
I am not thinking negative thoughts every other magical moment I have.  Who knew I could do this?  (You probably told me already, I just wasn't listening because I didn't believe it was possible. )
Now for the weird part.  I joined a on line dating service, and have been going out.  Me, out and dating.  Scary.  Even scarier is the fact that boosted me to just going out with friends.  I have been hitting the dance floors without worry or care... I have been sitting in a lounge and not afraid to look around.  I also am not afraid to go home alone and keep my dignity.  That is what makes it all good!!! 
My Grey matter is now finding reason to support the new body and tell me it is okay to be myself.  It is okay that I am not perfect and not skinny to the effect of some other women out there.  I am okay just being me and that includes the outer crust as well as the creamy goodness of my heart and soul.  All this is not worth letting 10 pounds creep up on me and make me think bad thoughts of myself.  I am always working at this.  I cannot turn off the vigilance and let myself go. 

0 Comments

About Me
Bonney Lake, WA
Location
RNY
Surgery
01/31/2006
Surgery Date
Sep 29, 2005
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Before RNY surgery,BMI 56
Down 120 lbs

Friends 23

Latest Blog 65

×