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Okay, I checked in with the doctor and he said everything was looking great.  My surgery scars are healing up nicely.  I see the once giant hole of infection is actaully laying almost flat.  I was worried about that.  I did not heal beautifully in that regard.  I don't care either.  I feel great and can move freely without all the skin hanging down onto my legs.  I do have some issues with my left hip.  I get  a stiffness on occasion.  The numbness left from surgery makes it hard to tell if it will be perminant or if it is just part of the bodies adjustment phase.  

I told the doctor I have been feeling occasional boughts of depression.. but, I should not be depressed.  It is a yo yo feeling that comes over me.   It does not seem to be about anything.  Just blues.  Probably post op depression.  He ordered a blood check just to be sure my vitamins and body functions are balanced.  Then he told me to close my eyes and tell him how I see myself.  I see me as I once was.  He asked why.  I still feel fat.  My mind doesn't know the difference.  I look in the mirror and criticize what I see.  He told me that was normal for half the patients he worked on.  

I find it odd since I am normally a positive person.  That I would reflect the negitive about myself.  He told me to look at myself in the mirror more often.  I will start to see myelf in a more realistic light.  I have despised the mirrors reflection all my life.  I need to stop hating it, instead  too embrace it.

I do like shopping now.  I hold up a pair of pants and it just looks so small.  Then I put it on and the zipper goes up and it fits.  WOW   I could get addicted to that.  It is a great feeling.  I do the same with tops too.  Underwear is fun.  I think mine looks like my girls little girl panties from years ago.  I look at all of it and still have a hard time relating it to what is for me.  Everything is referenced to other people and things.  THAT is why the doctor wants me to look at myself more.  I think that is a vanity thing.  I am not vain.  I am afraid of becoming vain.  I think there are too many 'I's" in what I write.  LOL 

My new job is a challange and a joy.  Okay, I have only done my first week... and a 50 hour week at that. (Which won't be unusual 8 months out of the year with this job.)   The employees are up to the usual tricks and dodges, only now I am the one who has to chase them and keep them on task.  I find it funny not everyone acts like adults at our age! 

Before I made Lead, I used to have to squeeze in my Facilitator time for my core team meetings and work... between my regular job.  Now, I can actually take some time to do the paperwork and meeting planning.  THAT alone is lovely.  I also am moving all the time.  I hope that helps keep me in my weight control.  I come home exhuasted.  I am still not up to par with having had surgery and then all that time off.  I also cannot lift or push a lot of things.  Shocking that I literally cannot lift it.  I am not strong enough!  I really used to put my weight into things.  To use it as leverage.  It is nolonger there to benifit me.  I think the Lead job came at the right time.  It is not so much brut labor, and my brain feels lifted and used. 
I read two books last weekend.  I went out last night and bought three more.  I cannot wait to get them open.  Mostly stuff on motivating employee's and stratagy in the workplace.  It may sound like a dry read... but, the fact it isn't about food and weight loss and everything that keeps me in my old world is just the enlightenment I need. 

I am struggling to balance my eating with my being back at work and knowing how much protien and carbs to put in me to keep my brain and body going through the day without overdoing it... or more likely happening, under doing it.  Two nights this week I came home over tired and grumpy.  I had only packed a oatmeal packet, a grapefruit and some turkey.  I had no afternoon snack, and tried to suppliment my exhaustion with coffee.  That didn't work.  It is time to restock my locker with peanutbutter and protien bars for just such times. 
Again, I just don't want to have to think about food and I definately don't want to get unbalanced and crash.  I am looking forward to this year being one of better challanges than just weight.  I want it full of opportunities at work and maybe, someday in the start of a love life.  (Ha ha)  I just don't see it.  But, I feel it. 

I have finished my work for the year.  Now I can concentrate on family and reading books that will help me in the coming year and my new position as a Lead.  I really am happy to have new challenges.  I hope I maintain my professional edge and meet this new position head on.  It gives me other things to think about other than food or doubt in myself.  Action can quit the negative words my mind likes to shout out.  I don't have time to think about beating myself up .  LOL 

Today I am cooking and baking for everyone.  Tomorrow as well.  My house will be full of family and chatter and laughter and old stories of childhoods and memories.  I am most in the mood for it all.  My new year will be about becoming more the person I want to be and less about worrying about the person I have failed to be.  What could stop me now, but me. 

I can still lose more weight, I can still better my position at work , and I will be able to better my cruddy credit score and life overall.  I may have to give up volunteer work every Friday night because of work... but, the food bank director has another job for me.  So , I am still a part of the team.  I am just finding my way.  I am spending less time worrying about how I look and less time trying to hide from the world.  I don't feel like I have to sell my personality every time I go somewhere.  I can just relax and be me.  I can be seen if I want to  or be invisible if I want to .. I am empowered by me.  I am still me... like I keep saying.  I am just me. 

Who knew a woman could be afraid of the word Beautiful? Why does it burn my ears when you hear it? How do you stop the numbness after the word is spoken directly to you? It is a pretty powerful word. I hear it used to describe many things. I think of it when I see my rose bushes in full bloom. Bursting buds and rippling peddles that dance together in a circle of living, breathable richness. I think of beautiful when I see our beach full of smiling faces all laughing and playing together, dropping all the weekday worries off at the street. I think of beauty when I hear children who had just met an hour ago, and yet they vow to be best friends for the rest of the day.

I see commercials on TV that are proactive in stopping little girls who have not grown into themselves yet.. from growing up to become women like me. For I believe I am not beautiful, even when the word has been gifted to me from my own daughters mouth; And I look like her, and I think she is beautiful. I do not believe surgery nor makeup can ever make me so grand to fit into the same file as a rose or a instant and innocent love. I have heard the word directed to my state of being three times in the last week. Twice from men, and once from my daughter , all trying to explain to me why everyone is reacting as they do by the changes they see from me. I am still the same on the inside. I am still me. Somewhere within the being of who I am, is a person who does not feel so entitled to be beautiful. Inside of me is someone who would love to fit into the expectations and inspirations of all those who think I am. I highly respect two of the people whom have said the word to me. Yet, I cannot seem to absorb it past my thick skin of self doubt and critical thinking. It has become poignant enough for me to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I could ever be so deserving to hear it directed at me. Then I wonder why it is such a big deal to me. It is a big deal. It is a desirable word. One with power. I think it is the part of my ego that I am missing. It must be a deadly sin. I lust for it and I would eat it like a glutton if I ever possessed it. I envy those who believe they are a part of it. Especially those who love themselves enough to own it with all their imperfections. They have the greatest lives. For nothing is stopping them from living well. This week, this week I got tripped up on a word. Beautiful. God, I pray the commercials and ads work and that the women of tomorrow learn to own a little bit of beautiful for themselves. My beauty is still in my garden.

I went back to work last week.  This week I have been enjoying the new me... and the faces of those I know. 
Today I had the job interveiw for one of the lead positions opening up.  We will see.  That means Myself and another new body will be helping to revamp our area (Providing I get the position).  my main competition for the job(S) is actually a guy I would like to work with.  I hope maybe he will get one and I will get one.  I think we could work well together.  I like his disposition. 
But, I won't worry about it now.  What I really want to mention is the reactions of those who know me and see me now.  On the outside I act totally benevolent to how others eyes drop straight to my crotch.  On the inside I am coming unwound.  On the outside I act as if nothing about me is diferent.  It actually makes some people crazy.  I love it.  LOL 
I don't put on a show.  I just go about my business and stay focused on the work at hand.  Every one else is doing the "come look at her now" thing. 

So, on Tuesday we had a business meeting where half the plant would see me, and so I wore a clingy shirt and dressed nice, good hair, good makeup, and acted myself.  Some of the people who knew me just stared like they didn't recognize who was saying hi.  Others did a double take but didn't know what to say.  Most guys had a lot to say,  but I just laughed it off.  If I knew them in the past and they were jerks,  I let their comments fall to the floor.  If I knew them from the past and they were good to me, I thanked them for the compliments or smiled from the flirty behavior.  I am glad I am still me.  But secretly inside I am laughing and giggling at these people.  Like I said, I am still just me.  I feel like I have not changed... other than outward apperances.  You would have thought I dipped myself in gold.  It is still just me in here.  LOL 
I will continue to act benevolent, since I have worked real hard to get leadership and professional status here at work.  I really want to hold it and grow with it.  I think this body will help me in the long run.  I wish I felt better physically.  I am still weak and still have an open wound.  But, soon enough I will be back to 100%.  I will be able to focus on my work load and acheive my goals.  No more skin issue or woredrobe issues to make me falter now.  LOL  This is good, and I am still me. 

Ready or not.. back to work tomorrow. 
I am ready mentally.  If I stay at home much longer, I will need a phyco ward.  Physically, that is another thing.  The doctor put me on a list of restrictions.  My insurance is doubting my company can accomidate me.  I have been on more restrictions than this before.  The only thing that may hold me back is having a open wound.  But, I doubt even that will shake their tree.  LOL 
6 hour days (we work 10 hour days) 
No lifting over 5 lbs. (that is a big one for work.. we lift 20 plus.)
limited standing.
No handling chemicals. (again, it is in the area.)
Protecting my open wound. (although the doctor said I am past a chance for infection, I have been in a limited enviroment, and that kind of a change can cause concern. )
There is administrative work I could be doing.  Some simple tasks in the area.  If everything goes right, the lead could be teaching me what he does.  They still haven't interviewed for the position yet. 
I still have to go to the doctors every other day.  But, I am happy to say I can see the wound shrinking!  I am healing.  I am driving the car!  I am up and busy doing things during the day and sleeping at night in my own bed.  So, I am feeling somewhat normal.  I am still weak.  I get back aches often.  Mostly when I sit in one place too long. 
I find out if my insurance will continue to pay my wages lost when I return to work part time.  I hope so since the doctor has me at 24 hours a week.  That is half of what I would earn.  It is the holiday season and I need my money. 
My body is still reshaping.   I like it more and more.  I have ran into people I know and they are very complimentary.  Only I feel uncomfortable... even embarrassed when they look at me.  Alright.  I am used to people looking at my chest.  That is the eye shots I usually get.  Now everyones eyes go straight for the hips and crotch area.  I feel like I am standing there naked.  HELLO PEOPLE!  The comments are lovely, the stare gives me a shockingly vunderable feeling.  I am always pulling at my jeans too.  I am not used to having then sit so close to my privates.  I am used to everything being overlayed with excess skin... so the touching of fabric to the hooch is very sensitive.  Again, making me feel like I am out there for all to see. 
I still think I am big when I look in the mirror.  I had a neighbor tell me I was smaller than her now.  I look at her and I don't think so.   Privately I know I weigh a lot more than her.  But , I also know my weight can be deceiving after being heavy all my life.  I think the flat tummy also gives an illusion of thinness that is'nt really there.  I am thick in the center.  but I do look in the mirror and see my body fits my legs now.  I used to look like I had popsicle legs.  Dr. Oh did such a good job of smoothing my hips and thighs that there is a nice curve to them.  ( the inner thigh is ugly, but I will take everything I was given gladly.)  I have a hard time finding the right shirts.  because my chest is so big, I have bought some shirts that are too short when I put them on.  Oh, and the butt!  I have a curved butt.  It helps proportion me to the chest.  Naked it is dimply... but again, Dr. Oh put a nice curve on what was a shelf.   The more I heal, the better thing look.  It is nice not worrying about how I look in public.  Not having to hid in my clothes.  My daughter said my ass is hard now.  Not soft and squishy like before.  She meant it as nice.  Everyone has something nice to say.  I just have to smile and say thank you.  Sometimes I say nothing.  I am riding a wave of liking the attention and wanting to be invisable  to walk freely in life.  I tell myself there are lovely people who have looked like this all their lives.  I am in a melting pot of bodies.  I am no differnt than others.  So, to get a big ego or act vain to the body is just unrealistic.  Yet, the other side of my brain says it is okay to except my body like I excepted the rest of myself.  Loving who I am, Imperfections and all.  I am a work in progress.  I will roll with it and feel healthier and better as time goes by.  I told myself to wait till my birthday this coming year.  that will be 6 months after surgery.  That will be my time table to se how I feel and look. 

Although I am still in the healing process... with guaze being stuffed into my belly and a restriction around every turn, it is obvious to me that changes in my life are about to happen. 
Ready or not..............
When it comes to work, My HR department told me that the production Manager voiced lettting me know about the job opening. (as he had promised he would before I left for surgery.  I had told him it is always my luck that good things happen while I am away with other business.)   One of two lead openings I as was told when my Manager called to talk to me about them. 
New body, new job sounds like a great start to a better life to me.  Already the food bank has mentioned leading the Friday night team when I come back. 
I am staying the course of healing.  Trying to figure out if the four remaining weeks will be enough for me to close these wounds and become physical enough to handle all the workload I am working to aquire.  I want it, I have been grooming for this for a long time.  I am ready for it to happen. I want to work to further myself and challange myself farther.  I just need this belly to heal!!! 
I like the way the body is forming itself.  I have soft curves, and am not disappointed in the look.  I am shaped like a billboard... flat and wide from the front, and narrow from the side.  Just the way I am.  That is okay.  I joked to the family I looked like a man lollypop with the still existing boobs and flat belly. 
I won't qualify for more time off from work until fall of next year. So, a breast reduction is a little out there.  But, hey, a chance to adjust is needed.  I still have to get this belly and body back in tune with my brain.  Already I am battling the feeling fat, thinking I look fat although I am not.  Like I am going to disapoint everyone who supported me to get this done.  Like I could not come back skinny enough.  Head games.  Keeping up those vitimans to combat the negitive thoughts.  I just don't need them right now.  This long healing process is a hard ride.  I know, I know, they warned me.  I asked for this.  Now I just pray for the strenght to get through without losing my sanity.  LOL 

I finally have half the staples out!  Doctor also removed the last two drain tubes.  I think I am most happy about them being gone.  I had to have a day surgery yesterday though.  The bottom of my vertical incision just wasn't healing right.  They removed all the staples and stitches, cut away all the dead flesh, and loose stiched it.  I will have to heal from the inside out.  Although it is quit shocking to change my bandages with all the draining and the big hole in my belly, I feel better and I don't smell like rotting flesh.  All the meds he put me on are doing great.  I am feeling much better.  I finally feel like I am actually healing instead of just festering.  LOL 
More co-workers are calling.  They are all missing me which is really nice.  I haven't heard of the job posting yet... but I know the lead position is coming and I really want it.  I still may not get it since their are always other people whom could have better qualifications than myself.  But, I at least want the chance to try for it.  Waiting seems longer when you are idle I guess.  LOL 

Well, now I have a infection on the scar line.  I saw the doctor two days ago.  He said it wasn't anything I am doing (wrong) , But simply the tightness of the skin and its need to redevelop blood flow.   Just the same it is stinky and on occassion a little painful.  I am now on more antibiotics, protein enhancers, a diaretic for swelling, and potasium  boost to offset one of the side effects of all the others.  Oh joy! 
I will say I had a high fever the night before the doctors and now I am in control.  The sores are weeping, which to me is good. 
He did take out about 50 staples.  Let me tell you, it was a great releif.  Just that many took a lot of pressure off the -arts that are healing well. 
As long as the fever doesn't return.. and I keep seeing improvements on my infection, I am okay.  Otherwise, it will be off to the ER for antibiotics through IV.  I really would like to pass on that if possible. 
I am starting to have company which is nice.  I have flowers  and balloons in my livingroom.  I think it is coming at a good time.  I noticed I started to get a little depressed after this week.  Sitting still and being isolated are not good for me. 

The boss did call to tell me of a job opening coming soon.  Just like me to be out of work and miss opportunity!  Except this time before I left.. I talked to the plant manager about NOT letting advancement get past me due to surgery.  He said I most definately can apply even if I am out on leave.  So, Let's first see that they actually post it... Then lets see if I can get it.  It would be so nice to go back to a job I have been grooming for the last three years, when I am recovered.  I have already worked with the group of people and know we work well together.  Before I left they kept asking if I was going ot be their new boss.  Unfortunetly someone had rank over me.  It only took them two weeks to loose the position.  Not sure what happened but I am sure I will hear about it.  In the mean time, I need to work on getting better and feeling better.  My health is number one! 
So, I am off to put on a garbage bag and shampoo my hair.. then drain my tubes... change my dressings and adorn clean clothes.  I found getting dressed every day really helps me to feel better.  : )

Although my head is spinning this morning, I thought maybe I had better get in here and note my experiences. 
Plastic surgery over.  Breathing is settled to normal.  I sleep cruddy still.  I don't mind using the walker to get around.  The new tightness has my food intake limited again.  (Now there is a plus)  I have three drain tubes in, and empty them every 6 hours.  I cannot tell how my body will look in a month since there is swelling and scabs that override my intake.  But, I do not have 16.7 lbs of excess skin.  That is how much they took off!  Nasty! 
I have 190 staples in my belly.  The doctor was going to pull half out last week, but has me pulled so tight he declined to pull any.  His hope is to keep the scar line thin.  I came home disappointed since it is so hard to move with all the staples.  But, now I am grateful since I developed a cough for two days.  Just think of the disaster  that was avoided there.  I still cannot shower... but do work at keeping the hair washed.  I wash my staple line with Hydrigon Perixide twice a day.  I have only developed two small infections on the scar line. Both have been manageable.  I keep neosporin on my drain tube lines. 
Other than the pain of muscle tension (which the medication he gave me for control works wonders.)  My other vice seems to be weakness.  My mind is zipping around in my head, and my body is zapped of all energy.  I get dizzy after being up and about for more than 15 minutes. 
I had asked that no one to come visit the first two weeks.  Now I am ready for some fresh conversation.  At least I know I can stay awake for long enough to make a visit worth while.  The first two weeks, my brother and his wife visited and I never saw them leave cause I would fall asleep during the visit.  LOL 
I try to invision buying pants next month.  I try to think of all the sewing I will be doing to alter my clothes.  But, My mind just doesn't want to go there.  I don' want to get ahead of myself.  I do like the shape I see in the mirror.  I do see imperfections in the way it is settling, but I don't care.  Compared to what I had before, a small curve in a scar line is nothing.  No one will even see it after it heals fully anyways.  Just make me look good with the clothes on.  That is all I want.  LOL  Oh, and already loving the lack of smell and sweat that lingered under my layer of hanging skin.  GONE!  Whew!  I am just looking forward to getting a couple more weeks under my belt I can have the drain tubes removed and staples off.  Hoping to sleep better so I have energy and pep again too.  Coming soon,,, the new me.