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I am saying good bye to my belly.  I am so sick of packing it into pants.  I am so sick of looking at the heavy sag and dealing with the unbearable itch and troubles.  No more rashes.  No more looking like I am icing melting off a cake.  I am ready.  Anchor tummy tuck, here I come.

I have ridden a very bumpy ride these last two weeks.  Too much pressure from those who do not want me to step out of my life and do something for myself.  My bosses, and my volunteer work.  If I died tomorrow, they would have to deal with the world, so they should just be glad I am coming back. 
Reality is I too am struggling with the thought of stepping out of my life for 8 weeks.  I have worked so hard in the last 3 years to really build something I am happy with.  I enjoy my busy life.  It is mentally hard to set it all aside without fretting over little stupid details.  I did my last volunteer job Friday, and was being asked if I could possibly come back sooner than the doctors release date.  I want to say yes, because I hate to say no to those in need... but, I was a good girl and did not commit.  I know better. 
My supervisor at work asked me to delay the surgery.  I am sure she was joking, but the work she has had me go over with everyone tells me she doesn't know how to do most of this stuff herself.  She too asked me for my number "just in case she needed to call".  I did not give it to her.  Again, I know better. 
They will all survive.  No wonder I am beside myself over leaving everything.  Guilt.  The one emotion I know so well is following me home each night. 
My liquid diet was a bust.  I hope the doctor doesn't get too upset with me.  I work such long days and fast pace hours, there wasn't any way.  Lets face it, I need my job.  I have to pay for this surgery (or at least the loan for it) somehow!  At least I didn't gain any weight!
I went out and bought a couple of magazines and cans of soup for when I get home.  I have a lift chair that was delivered Saturday.  All is set up.  Now I have nothing to do but before pictures and a good shower.  LOL 

Let's talk about how bad this liquid diet is going. 
For a woman who is totally stoked for my upcoming surgery..... I was feeling depressed and acting like a banchie. 
I have been on it and following the plan layed out.  I dropped one of the protien shakes after the doctor told me to NOT worry about all the protien.. and gagoliscious shakes are the worst.  So.. I was at 90  grams protein and 600 claories for three days when I lost my mind!  
I could not think, I was edgy and grumpy and could have broke out crying at any moment.  I was even rude to my plant manager.  At that horrible point, I went home from work and broiled a chicken breast and ate it. 
I cannot work 10 hour days as physical as they are and do pure liquids.  I cannot stay professional and energized. 
So, last night I aplogised to the plant manager and will curl up the weekend and just forget I went insane.  obvioulsy starving myself and keeping up with my high energy intesive workload are not a good mix.  I will just do the best I can with balancing both worlds out.  I have 11 days left.  I can lose weight and stay sane. 
I have gotten the rules  for personal care after surgery from the doctor.  I am ordering a lift chair today for the month of October.  The extra walker my mother has will come in handy.  I teased her that we w ill be twins for a couple of weeks.  They will show me how to drain the catch all at the end of the drain tools. 

I am not sure how well I will handle being home for a full 8 weeks.  I am not good at idle times.  I think I need to go buy jigsaw puzzles today.  My brain is always going faster than my body anyways.  LOL  

So food and me are on opposite spectrums.  I feel like I am on restriction and cannot see my best friend.  But I also feel like I am about to make a new friend with myself.  I am going to improve my own self worth and health.   I still love food.. I always will.  I feel like food is the family member that I once thought was the greatest and then one day I realize they have flaws like everything else...and their bad habits are harmful to me as well.    So have I built a wall between myself and all that feeds me.  I look back and think of all the wonderful times we had together.. then I look in the mirror and see what the parties and late night intimacies have done to me.   I am finally tired of the only thing touching me in bed are crackers  crumbs and popcorn kernals.   I want to have a better response to people who complement how good I look.  A better response in my head other than cruel attacks of riducule that secretly plaque me.  I know I do not respond well outwardly, because whatever niceity was said, it was a wisper compared to the shouting  going on inside of my head.  It is time to fix what is broken and move on with my bad self.  Just 11 days to go.  Healing time to follow, and then I am a butterfly emerging. 

Loved to hear those words... "tummy tuck is a go!"
BUT>>>Never thought I would hear those words again.... "Liquid diet."

Luckily for me, I am so stoked about having a tummy tuck, that I am most agreed to do so.  I am already cutting way back on calories and consumption, since any additional weight I lose before my surgery is just a big plus for me. 
I premeasured and pre-bagged  14 days worth of protein shakes and exceptable juices and even protein shots to meet the requirements Dr. OH has layed out.  I still cannot make the 150 grams of protein and keep my calories down.  but, I think 125 grams is pretty good for 900 calories worth of liquids.   I do have a  cheat though, I have 1/2 cup tuna and 1 oz. beef jerky per day.  The rest is nasty flavored  barely drinkably tolerable chug. 
I don't care, I am ready for this.  I will do whatever it takes to make this happen and give me good, better, best results.  I am so tired of looking in the mirror and liking the face and hating the belly tire.  I am looking forward to having a closer to correct shape.  Clothes hide a lot, but not how we feel in our skin.  I cannot escape the negitive body image when I know  that after I unbutton, unzip, and release the tightly wrapped skin, it will bulge and hang and flow freely around me.  I cannot wait to lay in bed and not have the other side of the bed covered in my flowing flesh.  (Isn't that gross and gripping.)   Just two more weeks and I will be set free from excess. 
I just have to hold it together for a litle while longer.. literally, LOL.
I have regained all my sense of being and put things back into perspective.  Last month I lost my mind, this month I have it back in place again.  Whew!  Let's just not go there  for a while.  Happy thoughts. 

Perspective, brought to me by my dear friend Judy! 
It really helps to talk to someone who is the shadow before you  while the sun is at your back.  Judy had surgery before me... and has had her tummy tuck already.  So, after bouncing the crazy weirdness I am living off of her.... I find I am actually still sane.  Whew!

All the pressure I have been feeling is just from EVERY ONES ELSES  expcetations of what my tummy tuck will do for me.  I think they are expecting too much.  I myself cannot imagine what I will look like since I have always had a soft middle and carried extra weight.... I honestly cannot imagine what the results would be.  I am happy about it too... that means I am really unlikely to be disappointed.  But, others may be let down.  I listen to everyone talk about what is about to happen to me and I cannot help but wonder if they are out of their minds!!

All my wierd man issues have been put on the back burner.  I just cannot deal with it.  It has releived a lot of stress to just decide to let them alone and only deal with myself right now.  Anyone who  truly likes me will be there later.   I know  a journey with unrealistic goals is a bumpy one.  So... I am not desperate or dis-illlusioned when it comes to the opposite sex.  ( I just lose myself  on occasion.  and it is normal, and it is okay. )  The fact I decided to let man issues wait is easy.. and the fact I was at a wedding reception last night and took note that they are still looking at me makes the decision easier.  They will be there when I am done.  Unlike in my past, they will not all suddenly run screaming at some point.  Things are only getting better.  I must keep myelf in check. 

So, the awful feelings and bizzare behaviors toward my fellow man lurking and oggling me are in the past.  I feel embarrassed that I had them and would love to go back and take them out of my journal.  But, after thinking about it... decided that they serve as a good reminder that on occasion, we all (including control freak me) lose our minds and a little self control every once in a while.  I can honestly say I just  don't know how to deal with all the eye contact and attention.  I have plenty of time to learn.  So no big deal. 

Three more days and I get my surgery clearance, or not.  One more test and I think we are a go.  Then, I will be happy and more able to focus.  Then I hope to get pushing myself to prepare everything for the 8 week recovery afterwards. 
For now I keep putting things off and just having fun.  Pressure to be perfect and myself just don't mix well.  I have proven that.   No performing baboon! 

I have come a long way in weight loss and working on myself.  This journey is not a smooth road.  I would have never forseen that I would be hiking up steep slopes at this time.. so far into my walk.  

I have came to some new realizations.  Ones I would not be proud of, but are real life drama factors I created and then put out.  At least I caught myself before embarrassment and stress overloaded me. 
One issue , I have been  behaving desperate when getting the attention of a paticular "friend" lately... then I was being irrational when things were not progressing  quickly.  I like the guy a lot.  But, truefully, I don't really know him well enough to be acting the way I have.  I pulled back my own riens and asked myself why I was suddenly needy of someone elses approval and opinion.  .  Why dld I feel the need to make things happen when I don't know what I really want from him?? Or if I want anything from him. Our friendship is progressing yes.. but not fast.  Then I asked myself why I was being so needy. I have been pouty and self justifying my internal thoughts.  I was going crazy and acting sad because he wasn't responding the way I wanted him to.  Not his fault.  He likes me, yes, I can see that.  But I have been behaving so weird I am suprised he didn't turn and run!  Reality is... I don't need anyone to make me happy.  I know that kind of behavior is bad.  So, why was I doing it?  Why now?

I know we all can just freak out a little.  With our new bodies and all.   Now me with an  upcoming plastic surgery to lead to even more changes... Scary!  Then I woke up one morning this week and it hit me... I am acting this way cause I am scared of my upcoming changes.   Since I lost weight, I am so aware of how much people stare at me.  I am very aware how uncomfortable I am in my new body.  I cannot imagine what they think they are seeing verses what I know I look like under these clothes.  Somewhere in my head I must get beyond the fact I am not perfect.. and that no one but me excpects me to be perfect. 
Somewhere in my head I have told myself that if I had a the safety of a significant other... It would not bother me so much because I would have a protective zone.  I could tell people I was taken and not get the obnoxious behavior from men.  The kind where they look at me and then try to impress me with their "I am so intellegent and great" talk.  The creepy  kind of blown up ego talk men do to impress us females and I really hate it. I realised why I find the other men  so irritating.  They talk to me like I am in need of someone to guide me through life.  They don't even know me and yet they seem to have the impression I am weak and stupid.  They are flirting with the design to help me with their macho manliness.  I am 44 years old, the last thing I need is a man to HELP me figure out my life.  I have my own car, work 60 hours a week, donate time to charity, have  my own house,  multiple friends, my own life insurance.  Sheeze!
Then there is my friend.    He does not act that way to me.. but, treats me like an equal.  Some where my mind ran with it.  I ran out of control and crazy with it.  So I was taking a friends kindness and squeezing it.  Not a good thing to do. 
So, there is two sides of this... the guy I like because he has a soft touch and he is all about me as person, but I think only sees me just another person right now.  So I feel like I want to hide in his shadow.   Sadly I was acting up to him in a feminine way ...and at the same time hating men who were acting masculine to me.  (Double standard here.) 
I know I want the Plastic surgery.     I know I will feel better and maybe, just maybe my body image will be a little higher.  Maybe I will get a little closer to where my spirit is.  I know I am a good person.  I know how hard I try.  I should be worth something to someone I WANT to be with in the future.  I hate that I just freaked out and went through a needy stage.  I didn't like the needy feelings and desperate behavior I was displaying.  (but am glad I got out safely, LOL)  I notice how much better my mood was today.  That tells me the craziness has past and I am progressing once agian. 
Thank goodness my friend is still my friend.  He really is a great guy.

The other realization is over coffee.  I was talking to a gentleman who had a lapband put in but still struggling to lose weight.. and we discussed coffee.  He is a non coffee drinker who obsessed over the smell of food, and I am a obsessed over the  smell of black brew.  As we talked.  I shared how I had my stomach removed  and so I am not hungry any more, but the smell of food would make me willing to eat.  If I do not smell food, I do not think of it.  But, I love to smell coffee and drink it often.  I think the strong smell and taste of coffee actually helps me to avoid foods.  It fulfills me desire to smell and taste.  When I want flavor.. I turn to gum and coffee.  This has helped a lot in my pursuit to keep food out of my mouth and off of my hips.  As I was talking to him... I understood my own behavior more.  Flavored water is another good one, and right now I am trying to drink a little less coffee and a little more flavored water.  Still, nothing is better than a good strong cup in the morning.  A lot better than a grand slam breakfast with 1200 calories.  LOL 
I feel better now.  I just had to empty the noggin of all that stress and crazy frenzy behavior I was stricken with.  Glad that is over.  Maybe a little less coffee would help!

So, I have painted the hall, sewn felt sleeves for my mothers Crystal, winterized the outside of the house, rearranged the funiture in the living room, painted my bedroom, did a good will run, and set all 5 of my pre surgery appointments. 
It is a good start to getting everything done before surgery.  I just have to paint one more room... shampoo all the carpets and bring in the summer funiture.  All of which  I have 4 weeks to do it in. 
My mom said, if you don't get it done before surgery, it can get done after.  But, not true.  the doctor said no lifting for 8 weeks afterwards, and if it is sitting there waiting to get put away or washed, I will be tempted to do it.  That just cannot happen.  I am so prone to hernias cause I think I can do anything., and I have to fully heal this time.  No second shots.  I am not sure how I am going to fill my time  without lifting anything.   I will have the sewing machine set up, so I can alter my shirts to fit nicely.... I love crossword puzzles, so that can help.  Jigwsaw puzzles too.
I am getting excited about my tummy tuck, and am also getting that pre surgery discusted with my body thing going on in my head.  I guess that is okay.  Again, I am not looking forward to the pain, but I am  looking forward to having a better body.  I still need to take some last minute before and after shots of myself.  I just need to muster the courage.  I still hate the way I look naked.  Clothes are a great camoflauge of faults.  So clothes are my friend.  LOL  
With school starting and a lot of work going on, the state fair coming up, plus house hold chores, I shall hope to see this month fly by.  I already got a Christmas party invite.  (and hope for many more) Since I am going to make a dress to show off the new body.  I already bought the deep red velvet.  I purchased a dress before bypass surgery to use when I lost all my weight, but my bust just won't fit... so I am going to modify it and redo the whole thing using the original as a pattern.   This will be fun.  Something to look forward to. 

I did it!  I went to see the surgeon about a tummy tuck. 
I have been so stressed out .  I felt like I was losing it. 
I have been worried that he would say I didn't lose enough weight... I was worried I would not be able to afford it.... I have been worried about missing time at work, caring for family, and basically every negitive thought I could muster to tell myself I was not worthy to do something that was for me right now.  Reality is, I stressed myself into a depression.  How silly is that! 
Now, when I left the doctors office, I was elated to see that he was not only funny and kind, but very assuring that this was the right thing for me to do right now.  I am tenitively set for October 7th.  But I have a few tests to run first.  As long as they all come out good, I will be well on the way to a flat tummy and dresses that fit right.  I cannot even imagine (well I try to) how clothes will look on me.  
Like my mother said, You don't do one surgery and not the other.  Why do the bypass and not fix the skin issue. 
I am so sick of rashes and sweating and smells that are not okay for anyone to sniff.  I am ready for a flat tummy and to see my hips.  Right now I can lift all my skin up and under it are beautify smooth hips.  I just cannot see them unless I lay on my side and then there they are.  Oh yes, to lay down and not have the bed covered in my flesh would be another nice additive. 
All I have to do is get everything done in the next month and a half.. since I won't be doing any lifting for a while.  I am making lists of chores now.  

The doctor also noted I have a new hernia.  That makes 5 all together.  That really means I am prone to those darn things.  He said he would net across the whole abdomen to prevent reoccuring bubbles. 
He also told me the reason I cannot hold my tummy in is because all my muscles are off to the side.  He brings those back across the tummy also.  A lot of work for a body lift.  I should be really happy with the results.  I know I am skipping over the pain part for now.  the first two weeks will probably be hell.  Everyone I know who did this said it was so worth it.  I am ready. 

I admit it... I see  the  men  looking .  Out  of  the  corner  of  my  eye,  I  am well  aware  of  the  lingering  too  long in one  body  position sudden freeze  that  comes  with  a man's  noticing  you and  their  brains  stop   for  a sec.  Most of   them  are  guys  at work  whom  have  known  me  for a  long  time  and  so  it  really  doesn't  count.  That is what  I  tell  myself. 
So,  I  am  out  shopping  for  yard  supplies and  guy  gives me a smile and a wink.   Now  I  am  in cruddy  clothes,  there  is  dirt  under  my nails and  my  hair  is  pulled  up  in  a pony  tail.  I  have  no   makeup  on.  He is  just  being  nice  because  I  look  tired  and  have a  cart  full  of  work.  That  is  what  I  tell  myself.

So  why am I  blowing  off  everyone.,  I  decided  these  are my  factors :

I  do  not  know  how  to  respond  to  someone  looking at  me  for  a  too long  of  a  moment.  Maybe  they  aren't  really  admiring,  they  are  just in  shock of  how I  look  different.  Like  myself ,   they  are  just  not  used  to  it  yet.

I  have  just  as  many  guys  look  at  me  and  make  superior  faces.  Those  I  am  too  good  for  you  what  are  you  looking  at  kinda  looks.  It  adds  a little  weight  to  my  insecruities. 

Besides,  what  are  you  supposed  to do?  How  does  a  woman  react to  the  staring,  winking,  hugging  male?  I  am  so  used  to  being ignored   (for  over  twenty  years)... I  have  no  clue  or  skills  on  how  to  take  a  compliment  or  even  skirt  the  unwanted  ogle.  It  was  a  lot easier  to  be  invisible  that  a  freak  show  carny. 

I  do  do  one  thing  for  myself  and  my  doubting  critical  eye...  I  look  at family  and  freinds  who  are  in r elationships.  I  see  imperfections  and it  helps.   I  am  so  critical  of  myself  it  isnt  even  funny.  So,  I  also decided  to  see  a  doctor  about   a  tummy  tuck.  I  didn't  lose  all  the weight  I  wanted  to.. but  here  I  am  with  a  very  big  tire  around  my waist  and  a  very  worried  mind  about  someone  else  seeing  me naked.  (admit  it,  the  fact  I  am  thinking  of  someone  else  seeing  me naked  means  something  good. )  He  may  think  I  am  still  too  big,  but  my  family  says  I  am  the  one  who  has  issues  about  being  too big..  and  the  tummy  tuck  should  help  with  my  confidence.   My problem  is  I  don't  think  I  deserve  it.  (because  all  the  weight  didn't come  off.) 

Well, lets talk jeans... and have me admit my blunders and lies to myself.  Then let's get real.  
I have not worn jeans in oh, say 20 years before I had surgery.  I could not stand feeling squished into anything.  Elastic band pants were my friend because they had room and were forgiving of extra food and bloated times.  
I hated walking in public and seeing women whom were obviously wearing their jeans too tight.   The comments made of muffin tops and camel toes were grossly rude and made me feel self contious enought to want to avoid ever being one of those women.  
Fast forward to my new shopping habits and the fact I actually have bought jeans in the last year.  I said I wore size 24 in jeans.. and 18/ 20 in slacks.  The faliousy was that I would not buy a snug pair of jeans.. and therefore purchased jeans that did  not squeeze me in any way, shape , or even fit my form.  
Hours after putting on a pair of jeans, I was constantly pulling them up.  Constantly!  So here I am one month after purchasing 2 pairs of size 24 jeans and I am back at the store with a reality check.  They are really too big for me.  I don't want to admit it cause I don't want to waste the 80 dollars I spent on them.. but the comments of my constant baggy ass and need a belt are hurting my mental state.  So here I am, in the dressing room with size 22 jeans.  I put them on and I know I am already wrong.  I am not trying for tight, but I know I am wrong.  I go out and take a pair of 18/20 of the rack and put them on.  Holy cow, they really do fit.  No muffing top, no camel toe, just a slight snug fit.  Just enough that I realise in 3 hours of wearing them they will still fit me.  
So, now I try to grasp the whole picture.  Me, in size 18 20 jeans means I am the size I was right out of High School.  (Not the same shape mind you, but the same size.. LOL )   I LOOK AT MYSELF A LITTLE DIFFERENT.    I try to bring in the whole scope of what I actually look like verses my mental image.  
I have become a shop- a- holic lately.  I have purchased 20 shirts and 5 pairs of pants (that fit) and am tossing out the old and ugly.  I purchased underwear that actually fit also.  I was still 2 sizes too big when I made my shopping lists.  I have bought bra's in colors.  Even a deep purple one.  Not just industrial white and iron clad.  I still have triple D's when I pack em up, but I refuse to stay in the ugly clothes world any more.  Besides, with a smaller waist, They look pretty good.  As long as I don't  bend over and give the stretch mark peep show to anyone.  Still, a co-worker laughed at me and told me it didn't  matter.. everyones breast get that way eventually.  She said I was too self contious.  I am.  It will always be there.  But, at least my jeans fit now.  LOL 

Oh, my.... I have been away for a while!  
I guess it is the life we all  live as we create these  new world around us.  There are people who never knew me as morbidly obese, and just know me as overweight.  There are new job opportunities I never would have been given 140 lbs ago and now people take me more serious.  I hate/ love  the fact that it is because I look in control and like I take good care of myself.. and only then they look beyond the outside to see the same me that was always there inside...a  strong, smart, funny, hard working woman.  ME.

Okay, it is true that when I was at my highest  weight I gave up on myself and I didn't do my hair or put on a pretty face and wear appropriate clothes.  I didn't feel good enough about myself to even try.  So part of the fault is me.  The painful; part of admitting how I didn't love myself enough to care for me as good as I could where I was.  So, why do I blame others for how they reacted to me.  The way I presented myself was part of that.  So, I admit fault and perservere forward.  I have to eat the truth since I see the way those who meet me now without knowing me then treat me.  
I am still doing gobs of volunteer work.  I am still a great mother and daughter who commits all my free time to the three latters.  I am also still with negitive feelings about my body, in awe that I could lose the weight and have kept off the weight I dropped.  A little dissapointed I did not lose more.  But, hey, my body is on its own ride right now.  I eat healthy and feel amazing 75% of the time.  
I went to Seattle with my daughter and was looking at my reflection in the store front windows and was not believing that that was my body. I walked up and down the hills and all over Pike Place without losing momentum.   I am still in a size 24jeans.  (18 to 20 slacks)  and a 1X shirt.  But... I am not in a 5X biggest thing anyone carrys in any store clothes.  my skin sags and my breasts droop and I look like I am frosting melting off a cake.  My insurance won't cover my plastics and my family has needs that come before I could ever pay out of pocket again. ( I self paid for the bypass.)  So me and my melted body just lump along.. glad to be.  just glad to be here and with my family.  Able to still be a beating heart caring for everyone like I do.  It is what I do. 

 I hate when someone who knew me before tells a newbie that I was extremely overweight before.  I don't think everyone needs to know. I personally like to forget!   I wonder why they tell.  Are they putting me down for being out of control?  Are they bragging for me that I had some great success?  I have two co-worker girls that were in the biggest loser contest at work at the same time I had the surgery.  They lost weight then and have gained it all back plus now.  One of them stares at me constantly.   Not in a nice way either.  In a long drawn out glare that unnerves me.  I am self contiuous as it is!  I finally yelled at her the other day.  "WHAT??"   She said she was just looking at my 'new body'.  I told her it made me feel uncomfortable to have her stare for so long.  She still does it.  Both girls started complaining how they gained their weight back and I am still lighter.  I knew it would happen cause I was once them.  Now I am me.  I cannot rescue others.  One of these ladies have a daughter who just had a band put in.  She knows the solution.  She just is avoiding it.  

So my friends.... 
My vegetable garden is planted!  I planted 6 more fruit trees. My rose garden looks amazing and I have added 8 more plants.  We have 5 new chickens and a duck.  I bought a battery powered chain saw that everyone thinks is funny.. but, it is the only way I would ever handle such a thing.  I am a girl after all!  My disabled daughter and her service dog were featured in an article in BARK magazine this month. (Prison Pups, you can see it online).  And my love life still stinks.  I may be thin, but just not the beautiful kind of woman men are looking for.  I can live with that.  Even though it hurts a little.  I am not sure where I would put one of them manly beasts  in my life anyways.  Maybe out  in the chicken coop with the duck.  LOL 
Enough about this girls negitives.  I am off to Vegas with my brother and his wife again this year.  I am not much of a gambler.. though I will do some slots. But, I did buy a good book to read, and I will be found pool side for  a couple of the days.  I need this vacation!!  
Luv to all..... I will be back sooner this next time around.  : )