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  I wish this was a joke, but it was actually my evening last night.   

So I met up with a girlfriend  last night to meet up with some co-workers for drinks. I always cancel on everyone cause I hate the Bar scene.. but, I tell myself I will do this.   They all decide on a sports bar. I arrive at 9:15 PM  I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes and watched what looked like kids entering into a High school prom.  Girls wearing tube tops and daisy dukes (Remember it is 35 degree's outside)  and guys with some fat guys pants on ( I think it was a great marketing scheme form some factory that accidentally made too many big and tall jeans... )  and baseball caps turned backward.  (This was as close to sports as any of them ever got!) 

I meet up with my party and go in.  NOT only do they not card me, but they don't make me pay the cover charge.  This time it is not cause they think I have a great rack.  They could not tell from the big green sweater I am wearing.  They just look at me blankly and think I am someone's mother or a  undercover cop here to watch the place.   I know they need them since they have 15 bouncers there.... I was greatly tempted to go up and help one blow his nose, he looked 12 years old!  The bartenders never saw a gray root in her sink.  I am in a bar.. and they have a girl in a gray hoodie and jeans who sits in the corner all night and sells beer out of two ice buckets. She is wearing pony tails and full makeup.  

  We order drinks and  I visit with my friends,  but cannot stop two things.  Me staring at the crowd and feeling like I am at one of my kids dances..with girls in little groups and boys in little groups.  One bold girl standing with a bunch of guys.. and one gay guy standing with all the girls.   I can hear the song Mrs. Robinson playing over and over in my head.   
 
 I do see a few men here my age.. my table started calling them  petefiles.  They don't belong there at all.  These other men  are looking at little girls and the man at my table had a daughter that age.  He didn't look around much.  He said if he  ended up in a fight and he would throw his back out and lose.  He was really feeling his age!   

I looked around and remembered those younger days.  Before you were old enough to find out food tasted good.  When all the skin on your body was tight and firm.  When your chest actually held your clothes up and not the opposite.  Better for me, guys back then wore 504 jeans and you saw the had a butt.   

I find myself checking the time and looking at the bobbling eyes of the drinkers. A drunk girl drops her bottle of beer and it shatters on the floor.. she just keeps walking.  Her date takes a chair and places it over the broken glass.  He walks on too.  (I think I am at home.  Someone spills something and just moves the carpet over the stain. No one bothers to clean up the mess.) A bouncer comes over, Looks under the chair and walks over and asks us if someone dropped the bottle.  My friends laugh that he didn't ask any of the kids in there, he turned and asked us.  Like his brain didn't compute the broken glass until an adult verified it existed.  

      I tell my group it is about ten minutes before the first fight breaks out.  Everyone takes it as worded opportunity and calls it a night. It is 10 PM!!   I grab a friend and we go to the Casino.  Every  our age is there. The music is tolerable.    I had nothing to drink, but laughed my ass off with all the people around me... whooped and hollering at our slot machines.  I have a blast until 1 AM.  I spend a total of 40 dollars all night.   
 
 Taking my friend back to the Bar to get her car.  There are 7 cop cars outside the bar and kids streaming out to their cars.  Two boys loaded to the hilt pull up to my car,  roll down their window and slur out.. "Our friend here wants to talk to you".  I roll down my window and say, "Go home little boy".  I drive off.  

The funny thing is, I never liked Bars.  Not when I was younger, and definitely not now.  I told myself I was going to have fun if I was going out.. and I did.     I will worry about the ages when I cannot handle the Casino and need to go play Bingo with my walker in hand.

  For now, I am so glad I don't fit in any more.  I am too old to play the game.  My bones know what cold air is, my feet hate high heels, and I don't want to work that hard to look that hot if the opposite sex is too unsure of themselves to come over and talk to me.  Some things just aren't worth the effort.  I have better things to do!  Like sleep and laugh and live.  Thank God I am older!!!  

Happy 2 year Anniversary to me..... 
The good and the bad.  I will take it all.  
Good...I am here and feeling so much better. Able to stay on my feet all day and not feel pain.  I can do so much more, and dispite the food addictions, Iam very aware of my addictions and whenever possible, try to stay vigulant of what i put in my mouth.  I appriciate those around me, both obese and who have lost weight, and the struggles they all go through.  Both my kids have become more food contious and eat healthier and look better.

The bad... I did not lose as much weight as I wanted to by now.  (but , I know I can lose more)  I am a food addict.  I am not always in control.  I gain weight easily when not in check.  I live in fear all the time of blowing this all to hell.  I am more body contious than ever and feel my hanging skin is so ugly I don't want anyone to see me naked. 

I am back in control after the holiday craziness.  It took me a couple of weeks to cut the carb cravings and get back to my old and faithful eating scedule.  Now I bought half cup containers to eat out of so I can consume controlled amounts of even my favorite meals.  I just lock down a couple of half cup servings and freeze a second portion for work the next day.  It keeps me from going back for more.  LOL  

I have lost the lovely weight I gained over the holidays.  Now that I am back in control, I am ready to work on losing some more weight.  I really want a tummy tuck, but I want to lose more weight first.  I think I need to get down to where I thought I would be by now.. and that is 40 lbs away from here.  I know I can do it.  I know where my demons lay.  So I just have to work at this.  I can;t beleive it has been two years.  It actually feels longer.  I will have to read back on my own journey.  I know the bumps and the victories by heart.  But, the little things elude my mind.  

Food control , importance of vitamins, water, and staying aware are so much a daily workout.  Now that is as much a routine as brushing teeth and combing out my hair.  Volunteer work, better performance at my job.. and the ability to take on heavier work loads, family tasks, longer stamina through the day.  It all adds up.  So my body isn't perfect... but it has given me ten fold the improvements in my life.  Thank you OH and all my freinds for the new life.  This is definetly NOT how it was 2 years ago.  I remember feeling myself dying slowly.  I know I owuld not have lived through 2006.  My doctor knew it too.  And here I am, 2008 and feeling strong and healthy.  Yeah! 

Oh, am I out of control or what!  I am so ready to go back to work tomorrow and get into my set routine agian.  My eating has been horrible.  I have been on vacation for a week and a half and somewhere in the last five days I have lost my marbles and my sensibility in eating.  I feel like all normality has gone out of my life because I have just spent the last 9 days going from cocktail party to company party to visiting with friends and mall shopping with the kids.  Every meal I have seen seems to lack the vegetables and fruits I need to balance my proteins.  Yestereday was the worst.  I think I was putting things in my mouth every 15 to 30 minutes ... and I wasn't even hungry!  There was a tray of cheese and crackers and a box of chocolates in front of me.  I think I ate half the chocolates and a third of the meat and cheese tray!!  I drank two bottles of water between all of it.  I just could not get full and could not be satisfied with my normal multi tasking jobs.  ( I was folding clothes and doing crossword puzzles.. but, they were not helping me !)  I am also talking eating fast food while on multi-road trips.  McDonalds chicken sandwiches and kids meals down my gullet.  
  I knew there was oatmeal in the cupboard, but I went for the mash potatos for breakfast.  Sure, it would be fine to fall for one day.. but, I look back and see I have been out of control for a few.  I need a reality check and bad!!
I know I need to gain control.  But, thinking about it and doing it are two worlds right now.  I do not know how stay at home moms keep control.  I do so much better in my world of work and volunteering and staying so busy I cannot think about watching TV and eating.  I go back to my old routine's tomorrow... Yeah!
So much for being invinsable and in control, LOL.  Who would have ever thought I would be hoping to return to work so I can gian control of my food. But, my addictions are so strong.. there has to be an element of normalicy and rountine to keep me sensible.  It just has to be there. 

Oh, and I got a lot of gift cards for clothing stores... and in the last two days, I used them all.  I bought all new clothes that I plan on wearing every day.  Nice ones.  I think I need the mental boost!  I tried everything on too.. and  I found that I wear a size 16/ 18 to a 20/ 22.. depending on the cut and style.   I just have so much skin and fat rolls around my waist that I do not look normal.  Big boobs, a small waist and huge tire roll is unatractive in a clingy shirt.  It is too grinch like.  My goal will be to lose 30 more lbs this year, then see about removing the great circlular sphere I carry.  That should also help with my esteem issues.  Lord knows I still think I am the fattest woman in the room at any given time.   Reality is coming out of others mouths... especially my mother's and best friend's, they always tell me I have no idea how different I look and am.  I think I do have an idea.... cause I feel so much better.  I get sick less often and I don't have to sit down after being on my feet all day.  BUT, I still feel mentally fat as before.  Insecurity at it's best.  I hope wearing nice clothes in the year 2008 will hep how I feel in public.  Here is too a new year and a new me..... soon to be 2 years out!!

What!  I missed a whole month of writting!!  No wonder my head is so full, LOL

I am happy to say I have done well managing my scale.  I was very worried about fall and winter and gaining the Holiday weight I usually gain every year.  Nothing.  I have managed very well with food control.  It hasn't been easy, but, I am dong it.  I have been so busy trying to keep busy... and that seems to be the key.  Well, to a point. The truth is, I do not know how to manage my energy and unstoppable mind from listing duties that I think need to be done.  I have a fear of holding still and sitting and watching TV, for fear that I will become fatter agian.    (Like it somehow will change things to sit still for a momment. LOL)   I know I uncontiously eat, so I am busying my hands all the time.  Sewing and cooking, volunteer work and cleaning closets.  But, my house still looks like hell.  Probably because I cannot leave anything alone.  I am making big processes out of little tasks.  Like if I do it right I will never have to come back to it.. but, someone forgot to tell the other three people living in the house that it was cleaned so they could manage it.  within no time the house looks like hell agian.  LOL  
I love being busy and hate it at the same time.  I am always trying to convince myself to sit and watch tv.. relax... and when I do, I fall asleep.  So, then I wonder why I bother to sit and relax.  So, I just keep going.  (Wow, reading this back, I see how silly it all sounds) 
Lately I feel like I am spinning out of control.  I thought no one else has noticed, but  even the people  I do volunteer  work  with have commented on me needing to slow down.  I know I look tired.  I have bags under my eyes.  Still I have been ignoring them.. taking my vitamins, putting on makeup  and going-going -going as fast as I can.  
Then, two days ago I kept dropping thing, then started falling down.   My kids keep offering to make me a herbal sleepy time tea to slow me down.  So, I think my next step is to re-aleign my boundries of busy.  LOL   Seriously though, I do need to change things.  When I was at my heaviest.. I used to do the three a day rule.  Three chores a day, and that was the least I would do, and the most that I would do.  Otherwise I would get nothing done, or try to do too much in one day.  Well, without all the extra weight, I have no boundries set.  Now I try to do all I can every day.  Funny how the list of chores never get smaller.  Or maybe that which I thought not worth even thinking about is suddenly do-able, so important to me.  What ever the reason.. I have been busy day and night.. and am suffering the consequences of not saying no to anything.  

We are missing my brother and his wife horrible this season.  Everytime I se a Seahawks shirt or scarf, I think of my Sister-n-law.  I see my brothers face with every turn. Sometimes I see someone driving a car ar at the next isle over at the store and I think for a flash second it is one of them.  Then i remember they are no longer with us, and I feel that pang of sorrow.   So, I find out my mother and brother are feeling  the same as me, but no one was talking about it for fear of upsetting everyone else.  That just won't do.  We don't need to be sad  now.    So, I sent out invites for a Christmas party on dec. 15th.  We need  family to all get together and remember who is still here and present for our love and joy.   At first my mother was acting really depressed, now she is excited to see faces she hasn't seen in years.  Our focus is off sorrow and loss and onto creating fun and warmth to those who will come and join us.  At this point I have decorated the house (Minus a tree)  and this weekend I have been baking all the goodies for the party to come.  Thank goodness for freezers!  Splenda mini cheesecakes and meatballs with ground turkey, slenda oatmeal cookies with dates and mince meat cookies.  (Not as sugar  freindly as some of the other things I baked, LOL)  We are decorated inside and out.. My mother made candles.  I went to the second hand store and bought her votives and cute old santa boots and snowmen she made candles in them as well.  We finished all the homemade gifts.. minus the mini loaves of bread I still have to bake. 

Big PS to everyone... taking my vitamins regularly has really helped with my eating.  If I forget two days in a row... I notice I want to eat constantly, and nothing normal.  My body is telling me I am lacking soemthing.  When I am on vitamins regularly and take them every day, I easily stick to my meal plan and healthy choices.  It makes a big difference.  We need to keep up on them always.  Water is the same.  Big difference in how I feel and react to food when I am dehydrated and when I am not.  Take care! 

On the good side, I got a promotion at work... I start tomorrow!!!   I will be teaching classes and training teams.  Me!  The person who went to school to be a teacher but , It didn't happen.  Now I get to play up my leadership and class room skills!  I am nervous and very excited.   That is the good news... 

 The bad part is I am already fighting the fall foods.  I really am working on it, but first I must empty my head of these thoughts :                                             
  Every day it goes through my mind... maybe I will allow a little bit more today.. And I will eat less tomorrow. Just this once... just this one time. But, Step back and the real view in my mind is it is full of these just once times. I have been hearing them for so many years that I did not realize they are there.. Justifications for eating more. It is just what I did not need, do not want to admit it is talking to me, and do not want the world to think I am crazy from the voice in my head that tempts me to consume volumn’s of food beyond my needs. But hell will freeze over the day the voice stops taunting me and telling me that food is not the Eden of life. That words like ecstacy and creamy and elegant do not belong front title to every creamy rich chocolate cake I have ever known. That crispy crunch "bet you cannot eat just one" has to do with the bag and not the contents within.... former self can still do as much damage with a third of the bag and a repeat performance of gluttony. It has nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with comfort. Texture. Smell. Hard wiring. Subliminal training. And the food industries power to entice. My mind runs though commercials I have seen over and over through the electrodes of my brain. The he-man sized meals only for the truly masculine... the sinfully delicious Chocoslutty, micro-waved dessert being eaten by thin women with full busts and no acne.. When we know women are supposed to consume carrot sticks to stay in their no taste world and still be liked by men. If food consumption was the sin of man... then the garden of Eden looked like Willy Wonka’s fantasy factory of swirling goodness and enticing tastebud teasers.

So scientist tell us we are all hardwired to eat what we can when we can... so in times of famon, we will survive. Here in times of plenty and profit... we are not all created equal. I am one of those who would have plumped up nicely and thinned out the while overriding my mind with a hard work ethic. I can push myself and push myself to the point of breaking and still get up and do it agian. I just do not have to do that every day. That is why we live longer. We are not abusing our bodies with hard work ... but, with heavy foods. Instead of a quick and exhausting death.. We have a slow, gainful lazy death that drags on and on. Our bodies give out in a totally different way. Heart disease comes from too much of a good thing. Over compensating for the bodies needs. Too much is not better than too little. A little extra can be one to much. Oliver Twist does not find love in America. But, all the overseers of his fate do. Hiding in back rooms and eating feasts while children get small scraps and HAD BETTER BE GRATEFUL. We don’t just do it to the children of our own nation.. But, we apply this strong arm to all children in the world. The subordinates have a small size, the inability to defend, and the desperation to survive. And all the while, my mind is talking to me about how I can go ahead and have more.. Just because I am special, worth it, and greedy. I think I need a brain transplant.

So far so good in maintaining my summer weight loss.  I am always worried about the wintertime.  That is the time it is easy to gain weight.  Comfort foods and indoor activitys... Holiday parties and company gatherings.  I really have to watch the carbs and sugars as they sneak back into my life via fall and winter feasts.  I am a little afraid.  But, I would rather be afraid than invinsable.   

Yesterday I took my kids and their friends to TWO corn mazes, out to lunch, and then a haunted forest last night. All in one day, the kids were tired and I wasn't.  My legs didn't hurt.. my feet were not sore.  I did it without aches and pains.  WOW!  I have been busying my hands during idle times with Christmas crafts and dehydrating foods.  This really helps to keep the hand to mouth disease at bay.  A very real thing for me.  I am still an uncontious eater.. and still a TV muncher.  I just keep veggies and popcorn at hand, and fold clothes or do crafts instead of eating.  Even crossword puzzles help.  

Attended a friends wedding and I did a double take on the photo of her, her maid of honor and myself.   My first reaction was that I looked sick in the photo.  My beautiful friends are full faced and grand. I am boney and honestly look sick next to them.  WTH!  The maid of honor had a lap band put in two months ago and has lost 60 lbs already.  She looks great!  I really see the difference in her.  But, I am shocked at my appearance.  

The attention factor is not getting any better.  I actually had a guy friend flip out on my recently.  Talk about poor communication!  He told me he had been waiting for me for the last 4 years... to come to his house, to see him.. for us to get together.  He said he can't do it anymore. He cannot wait any more. That he needed to know where he stood or just forget it.  He had to move on.   WHAT?  Did I miss something?  I know I am thick.  But, I thought we were just friends.  I am not interested in more. I wasn't when I was morbidly obese, and losing weight didn't change how I feel.  None of my gal friends ever freak when I don't come to see them for a long time.  Did I miss something in the Mars and Venus catergory of life! 

I am not sure I can be friends with guys right now.  I am so confident in whom I am as a person, friend , and mother.. but, I am not as a woman.  I don't beleive I look that good.  Honestly.  I did not do this for attention from the opposite sex... and I definatly wasn't prepared for what I got.  It doesn't happen that often, but what little it does is unnerving and upsetting.  I am hidding in a world away from things that freak me out.  I am staying so busy I do not have to face the single and available world of men.  I believe I still need to work on myself and self image first.  I have not totally excepted the woman looking back in the mirror. Away from the mirror.. I know who I am.. in front of it, I see a stranger with a bony face and large hanging stomach.  
I am working on the outward appearance and loving myself as I am... and keeping myself healthy and remembering WHAT I really did this for.. my kids and my health.  I don't want to go hide away back in my fat body cause a few men scare the crap out of me.  Tell me how to fix this problem and I can fix the female populations problem.  LOL  

Here is the latest on my frozen life.  LOL  
So, I am out with friends and stop by a gas station to get gas.  I walk inside the station to pay and back out.  A nice looking man is staring at me and I make eye contact.. he smiles big and says "hi".  I do a total mind freeze and get horribly embarrassed.  I look at my car and only my car.. walk a straight line and get in and drive off. Then I go out.  I have a good half dozen men hit on me.  I freak out and leave the party.  Why?  Because I think negitive things like:  
What is wrong with them that they would hit on me.  
They think I am going to be easy because I haven't had a lot of attention in the past.  (these guys don't even know me.. how would they know!) 
I think they are teasing me as a personal joke with their friends.... I think too much!!!   I am mind jelly when it comes to people looking at me.  

Out side of no self confidence in how I look... I am doing pretty well.  I am not online as much because I am  I so busy.  I now can go from morning to night without stop.  I now do not get tired after two days of non stop action.  I do get worn down after the whole week.  Soemtimes a short nap will do.  I keep thinking a whole day of rest would be nicve, but I don't sit still for it.  My mind will think of things to do.. and I will get up and do them.  Like now, I need to go mow the lawns for tomorrows party.  The volunteer work I do is loosing a director.  (his wife got a job  as a teacher in another state.)  So, his going away party is on my beach.  I will keep volunteering but will drop my second job real soon.  My family is really glad since I worked the whole summer.  They want more of my time.  I want more rest.  I do love the staying busy thing.. I don't really feel like I missed a whole lot, but I do want to slow my pace.  
I am doing good at  my eating and maintaining a good weight control.  I do occasionally eat fun foods and sweets, but I am keeping a close check overall.   I want to feel like I have no limits so I don't daydream of food.  I keep with pretty much simple eating habits.. fruit, vegetables, and meat.  Oatmeal for breakfast and popcorn for snacks.  
I was shopping the other day and found this really cute dress.  I held it up and told mom how much I loved it, I just wish I was small enough to fit into it.  She asked me what size it was and I told her a 18 misses.  She said, "Carol, you ARE an 18!"  I bought it!!  It fits!!   I really need to be more aware of my reality size and less of where I think I am.  The mid section overkill of skin makes me feel like I am huge.  But, I really just have alot of hanging skin.  Someday.. a lift will help that.  I just was not blessed with an elastic band waist.  LOL

Yesterday I did a water park with my kids and their friends.  
Wow!  What a difference from years past!  I went up and down the hills without any panting, LOL  I even rode on the scrambler.. which I NEVER do.  My kids were thrilled to see mom doing something crazy.... and I actually enjoyed it.  To sit on a amusement ride and fit is something else.  Luckly it was my company picnic and the food was catered... and a stand sold shaved ice later in the day.  So eating and getting hydrated  was not an issue.  
I met up with an ex. co-worker who started crying when she saw me.  We were the same size two years ago and her husband is against her getting the surgery... Now her mother has passed away and I really feel for her.  I hope things change for her in the future.  She has two beautiful baby girls who will need their mom when they grow up.  I will make an extra effort to stay in touch with her.  
On the other side of the coin....
My dear Freind Sami did get a Lap band!  (Yeah Sami!)  She is doing great and I think this will brighten her future greatly.  I cannot wait for next year and to see her changes.  I am saving all my cute shirts for her.  

I am still working two jobs.. but cut the second jobs hours so I can live a little.  My family was upset about all the hours I was working.. so , I am now making sure to have fun too.  The busyness has not worn off.  I am up early and going all day, every day.  My scale is moving sluggishly slow.. but at least it moves down!   I don't want to jinx it.. so I will just stay positive about the slow crawl. LOL  

I went clothes shopping with my oldest daughter twice.  The first time I came home crying cause I hated the fact if  the jeans fit my ass and legs, I couln't get them past my tummy roll.  If they fit over my tummy roll... they hung on me like drapes!  Then they were still a size 22/24.  But, when I put on slacks... I could wear an 18.  My shirts were 16 to 20's depending on the style.  So many shirts are too short!  Middrift seems to be a normal fashion.  Yuck!  
The second time we went out, I had better luck.. and even found two dresses!  Good thing since I am going out next weekend.  Still not sure what I really will wear... but, it is nice to have choices.  

Welcome to my pandora's box. 
I have started talking about the mixed feelings I have with family and friends.  I think it must be normal to love all the weight loss.. but, still feel very frustrated with the body.  I did this to be healthier.. but, there still is an element of body image reality that is crushing me.  I just cannot decide how I feel when I look in the mirror.  Somewhere between feeling inferior to stick thin women and embarrassed by how large I was two years ago, is  a woman who just wants to except herself as she is now.  To feel good in my own skin, nomatter how much it hangs, LOL.  I fight the inner self when I think of how strong and confident I am as a independant single woman, and how loosing weight has made me self contious about my flaws.  Like suddenly they are over dramatized by being more visual to others.  Super morbidly obese made people NOT look, and I felt invisable... Thinner and shapely  obese makes everyone look, and myself more critical of that which I am not in control of.... Excess skin, saggy neck, wide hips, flapping arm skin, and the weight that still remains.   So,  why is this mental demon in my head?  I see everyone looking at me, I hear men flirting with me, and now I am my own worst critic.  So, I make myself look around and see men with imperfect women... and still I am critical that I do not add up.  Not a very pretty mental fit.  I'd love to put a sock in the mouth of my mind. 
This is definately the time to consider everyone elses opinions and not my own.  but, reality is... I am alone with myself a lot more hours of the day than with others.  Hopefully, I can keep working on myself and change this demon's mind.  I won a lot of negitive battles in the last year and a half.... this one is an all out war!  Changing how I feel about myself  is really a long process.  Escpecially when it is going from negitive to positive.  The reflection of 20 plus years and the world rejecting me by size doesn't flip suddenly when they starty excepting me by size.  The damage is done.  I feel great  on the outside and feel crushed on the inside.  No one knows.. so no one offers help.  They just think I feel good about myself because I look better.  (that is what I have been told)
I had a friend tell me her husband noticed how good I looked.  But, didn't want to say anything for fear I would be insulted. WTH??  How many people see me and don't say anything?  Most of them don't realize they are staring at me.. and I hear nothing from them verbally.  It makes me think they are looking and thinking negitive thoughts.  Why?  Because they say nothing.  But, my mind is saying every memorized jab and insult I have ever heard when I see others looking at me for too long a moment.   (So, I have worked this much out... but, finding a positive though in a silent veiwing is weird.)  If I took a picture every time someone stared.. I could add one of those cute little quotes above their heads and everything would be good, right?  It is just not that simple.  Too bad our world is quick to crush and slow to compliment.  So many people would benifit from a good word.  And yes, this has given me an oppurtunity to learn form this and make sure I put out nice thoughts to others.  I am making an extra effort to find somehting nice to say that is not over stated.  No need to give false flattering.  Simple verbal acknowledgements are great and does wonders for putting a smile on others faces.  It also washing down my negitive mental critic.  I spend a lot less time bashing myslef if I am finding the good in others.  The rest is a work in progress. 

Okay, I am 16 months out and and down 130 lbs and holding.  I keep swinging throught the same 10 pounds.  Back and forth... back and forth.

So, I did quit swinging on the same 10 pounds... not only did I knock off the 10 lbs  I was dancing with, but an additional 5 have come off.  So much for that stall!!!  My BMI has gone from a 56 to a 39!!  can you believe it!  

I have these photo's of the day I gave birth to my second daughter.  I have always thought  that those were the times I looked the most beautiful.  I am the same weight and look the same as then when I look in the mirror, but, I do not feel like I am the same.    I really don't like the fact I am my own worst enemy when it comes to looks.  I beleive in my abilities and talents, just not the way I look.  Years of mental blocking and inferior body image has taken a toll on me.  This is something I want to get beyond.  I NEED TO GET BEYOND!  

My goal was to lose 25 lbs by end of summer.  I have already dropped 15.. and so I should meet that goal.    I will have to take some new pictures.  Not that I look that different.  (to me)  but, someone may see the changes.  LOL 

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I had a dream last night that I was loving my body.  That I felt comfortable and happy with WHERE I AM NOW.  I have lost 70% of my excess weight.. but am still over 200 lbs.   Still, I think the dream was right.  I do feel good about my body. 
Yesterday I worked with a person at my new job who told me she didn't believe I was ever obese.  She thought I was a (and I quote) "HEALTHY WEIGHT!"  I pulled out a pic of myself and she just couldn't believe that was me.  It felt good to meet someone whom never knew me before and to realize they do not have the weight issue in relation to who I am.  I think that is where the dream came from.  Everyone who knew me as super morbidly obese just won't let it rest!  They are hung up on my old body.  I just want to live a life where no one keeps pulling me back to the old me.  When I go to parties and meet new people, they have no clue about what I have been through.  (But, of course  others love to share)
WLS and the success is a great accomplishment... but, I do not think I want it to be my greatest.  I am so thankful for how I feel and look... I just have greater things in mind.  
I am still fighting the eating without thinking.  This third job helps.  I work 6 days a week now.  (the new job is for 10 weeks only)  I know I could not keep up this pace forever.  But, it helps fill out my energy level and I am too busy to play hand to mouth.  LOL  
Once the weather is hot and our darn lake is up... it will complete my filling time.  Summer will help me to lose a few more pounds.  Or at least quit dancing with the same 10!  
I am still using the weight watchers point system to monitor my food intake.  It has really helped me keep track of what I am consuming.  So does eating natural foods and not processed.  I have become a label reader and OMG I cannot believe all the chemicals and preservatives in this stuff!  Protiens, vegetables, and fruit.  It is so easy to just prepare the basics.  I realised I had cut out pasta and rice, but I didn't notice until grocery shopping  this week that I had reduced potatos to such a extreme amount!  We use to buy a 15 lb bag every two weeks.  This time we bought  2 lb of red potato's.  
I looked into the cart and noticed how  green veggys and fresh fruit have replaced the pile of white carbs.  This is for the whole family!  Everyone has noticed the weight loss in my daughters too.  My oldest  is so proud of herself.  I was so sure that with all her disabilities that we would never get her extra weight off.  (She cannot tell if she is full or hungry.)  But we used a visual picture that showed her how much of each type of food to put on her plate. She took it to school and shared with her class.  A great tool for all of them.  We also use pictures from magazines to show her what to wear  that is appropriate for the weather (she doesn't know hot or cold either.)  Big difference for her confidence and independance.  I can see how important that is to her.  Very cool.... very nice to see the whole family grow from this expereince.  And to think... I thought I was being selfish to have the surgery and just think of me... looking back  to then up to now, I see how it has morphed the whole family into a new level.   So, it was more sharing than selfish.. and more than just myself have beneifited.  That is something to keep in mind.