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(12-10-06)
Okay, I am stuck on the neck thing... I love having a neck.  I love to wear earrings that don't look like they are laying on my face, but actually sit out on an ear. I love being able to wear dangly earrings that show my neck and long hair off.   I love getting shirts that have flair and style, and it being a good thing.  (Not the usual flair to cover the full size underneath.)  
I have seen my dear friend Judy, and she had her surgery before I did. She is below goal and in danger of becoming too thin, I am still working at getting weight off... and many of our issues are still simular in task.  Watching what we eat, how we eat, getting in the protein, not becoming discouraged by those around us.  Staying focused and aware of what we say and do every day. 
(by the way, she looks beautiful!, but, I always thought she was... so I am impartial, lol)
Went to my Christmas party for work. Went to lunch in a reastraunt, went out shopping....  Normally every man flirts with my friend Renee.  This time it was with me.  She even made a little comment about it.  Waiters and store help looking me in the eye's and asking questions. Other shoppers making eye contact.  I just thought they were talking to me because I am the safe one to talk to ( to old and fat to worry about what was being said.)  Then she had to go and make a comment that changed the way I was looking at HOW men were talking to me.  But, here is the kicker.  The guys who used to flirt with me and make comments, don't do it any more.  THEY won't look me in the eyes and joke with me like they did before.  What is with that!!  And they say women are hard to figure out!!

(12-26-06)I felt the spirit and the healing of my soal with all that I have gained this year. 
  TheChristmas cards OH members have sent me, knowing I could not return the favor.  The wonderful snowmen and kitties, mountians and trees on the fronts... the written messages inside.  They were great.  But, sending the card knowing I could not afford to give one back has a grand effect on my year.  The weight loss has been great.  I look like a different woman, and feel healthy as can be.  I have a ways to go still... but, am happy right here.  Suprisingly happy.  I notice it cause I ask myself why I am feeling good right now.  Even with stress from being layed off over the Holidays, even with financial issues, why am I so happy inside?  Why does it not matter so much mentally? 
When I had my first  daughter, I loved her so much, I could not believe I could love anything any more. Then  I had my second daughter and I loved her, just as much.  My heart was already full and yet I was capable of more.  Saying that, I have always liked who I am.  I know I am a good person.  Now, I am learning that I can like myself even more.  That there is more to appriciate about myelf.  I am not talking vanity and ego here. I am talking about finding more things to appricaite about myself.  finding new reasons to say I am a good person and worthy of love and kindess.   I am talking about avoiding the self loathing and destructive hate so many carry around.  Just telling myself there are more reasons to be good to myself then there are negitives to treat myself to mental abuse.  You know, the unhealthy way we talk to ourselves when no one else is putting us down.  LOL 

So, today I feel good.  I have a feeling this coming year has many new experinces coming my way.  Just a gut feeling.  This time last year I had only one hope.  that I could have the surgery and save my life.  I knew I was dieing. I knew of things didn't change, noone would be here to care for my girls and my mom.  I knew I was in a world of trouble.  I had been suffering in silence with no answer for me.  Except one, WLS. 
Now, one year later, and all the feelings in my head are NOT what they were then.  Dispair and hopelessness have been replaced with hope and healing.  Normally I would have said such words were sick and sappy.  But, when I feel them... and they are real, and I can relate to them, they sweet and surreal.  Odd answer for me.  I will have to sit on that one for a while, LOL.

(12-29-06) 

Note to self, the legs are crossed!  Okay, I noticed when company was over for Christmas, that I was sitting with legs crossed.  I thought it was a fluke.  I thought it happened just because of how I was sitting.  But, then I noticed that I was doing it again.  Out on the town yesterday and stopped into a coffee shop.  Sat down and unthinkingly crossed my legs.  Wow!  I used to sit like a man with knees that never met.  Mostly because my inner thighs were plump and pushed my legs out.  but, now the knee's are getting to know each other.  I sit more like a lady and less like a truck stop hooker.  LOL  I was always self conscious about the fact I couldn't cross my legs.  So it is really nice to have the ability to do so.  (Almost as good as having a neck!) 

 

(11-13-06)
So, I am in the shower.. soaping up and scrubbing every inch of me. I take my loofa and scrub down one leg, straighten back up... soap it up and loofa down the other leg.  I stop, I have ahold of my foot and am scrubbing my ankle when it suddenly hits me.... I AM SCRUBBING MY ANKLE, FROM THE STANDING POSITION!!  When the hell did I start doing this!?  I reach down and touch my toe.. yup, I can touch my toes... easily I might add.  Soapy and smiling, I just finished up and delighted in this WOW moment.  I have gone from feeling like the alien in 'LOst in space.. with too short arms and a solid cirlce around the middle.  My daughter is laughing at me that I even wrote this.  Not in a mean way of course, but that I think it is such a big deal.  Hey, I will take them where I can. I needed this today! 

(11-25-06)
O.K, I now have a neck.  I nolonger look like a football player living on hungery man dinners. I now have a shape other than round.  I put on a (what I thought was tight, my family thought was fitted) shirt and it showed some curve to it.   Although my weight hasn't changed by more than 10 pounds in the last month... my shape is coming out more.  I am not stressing on the lack of weight loss, I feel like it is just time for my body to catch up.  Even though the pounds are not dropping, the physical changes are appearing. 

My clothes are coming and going quickly. Pants make me crazy... I can wear a 24 in one brand and a 22 in another.  Don't these fashion people ever communicate!  Since my apron is growning, my pants size is not changing as fast as my shirt size.  And even there, my chest is making it hard to have things fit right unless there is a little cling to them.  That is because I have something called a waist now.  It is still big, but it is smaller than the chest and hips.  Looks funny to me when I look into a mirror.  Like, who is this girl with curves and a neck?!  As soon as I get naked and everything droops and wrinkles.. then I recongize the person in the mirror.  ( Ah!  there I am!)

I am very excited that a support gourp has started in our area.  I missed the first meeting cause I didn't hear about it till last week.  But, I am sure to catch the next!  I think it would be great to have more than just OH support.  But, live real people whom live in my area!  People I can run into in the stores and have face to face conversation.  I need that kinda healthy reality.  I know that when things are going bad for me, I can hide and ignore my problems for a while.  But, being accountable for daily issues is a good thing.  And having soemone who can relate is a lot different than the support of family and friends who have not had the personal experience that comes with this surgery.  It is almost irritating when someone says they understand and you know they have NO clue what you are going through.  There is sooo much mental to this.  It is not just hand to mouth.... is is emotional and personal.

I hate it when my mother or freind make comments about how I am skinny, which I am far from... and when they comare their eating habits to mine, when I know it is not just what I eat... but how my body is digesting it that makes the difference.
 Like when I pass on bread because it gets stuck and feels icky. it may be the difference between what you and I ate, but it is also the calories it holds.  Or when they don't finish the food on their plate... but consider that being the same consumed volume as my eating off saucers.  I know I ate less than 1 cup of food.
 I guess what it really is , is they are competing with me, or making an issue about what I am doing .  I just want to not be noticed.  I want to feel normal when with everyone else and not have my eating habits become a performing Baboon act for others to scrutinize.  I don't want others failure to lose weight on a diet to become an issue that envolves me.  Like the girls at work who are putting wieght back on.  I wish they would not keep telling me, like I have a cure. As if somehow it is my fault they cannot say no to dessert or fast food.  They all know I had surgery.. there is not secret about that.  They can try to eat as little as I do, but it will not give them the answers.  I do not want to be responsible for any of that.  I struggle on my own thank you.  This is not a journey someone else can hitch a ride to.  It just isn't possible.  Nomatter how much I love the other person. 

 

(10-3-06)
OKAY, I have caught myself overeating!  I unconsciously was going back for seconds 15 minutes after eating...and putting too much in my pouch.  I have dumped twice in the last month and it was simply because I am not checking myself.  I know I am under a lot of stress.. but that would be normal for me.  So, how have I gotten to this point of sliding back!!  NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!  I am trying to stay in check.  I need to lay my own ground rules and post them on the fridge: 

Protein first--carbs last.
1 cup size bowls and saucers to control portion sizes. 
NO SECONDS!  nomatter how good it tastes!!!
No drinking with meals. 
NO SKIPPIN snacks (another issue I am having, I when I skip my 3 pm snack... I have given mental note s to myself that I can have more later... NO! NO!)
Getting in all my liquids.  I still mistake feeling thirsty with feeling hungry.  A good drink of water and my 'put something in me' desire goes away!

 I never realized how unconsciously I move through the day. My life is based on multi tasking, and I do not stay on any one subject  for long.  It is hard to always stay aware of your entire enviroment.  That is the hard part of WLS.  At least at 8 months out.  Staying in mental control of my enviroment.  But I am working on it.
At least I have caught myself before any damage was done.  But I will always be shy of onederland if i do not get in control of this.   Just 5 lbs to go!!

(10-14-06)
It is really a good thing to 'feel fat'.  The advantage of our minds not being in tune with our bodies is a good thing.  I have come to this conclusion  from the short lived experiences when I do feel like I have made ground and that I am succeeding in the battle of the bulge.  When I feel really good about myself... I am quickly followed by a downward spiral of indulgence and the too-comfortable-zone.  Both which get me in trouble with myself.  I have come to the conclusion that when I feel fat, I take better care of myself, and work the pouch rules to a T.  The fact our brain was not made to take changes so fast is good.  Yes, good!  This is the grace of adjustment times where we can develope new skills.  The truth is we have developed old and disabling skills of destructive behavior from years of diets that didn't work... and for some of us, the destruction period we go through that re-hides the new body and new attention we get that makes us uncomfortable and leaves us wanting to hide in our older and larger selves. 
I have been fighting the second stage for weeks now.  Part of me likes the new attention, and part of me wants to hide from all the comments and stares.  The only place I know to hide is in a fat suit built for two.. myself and the large, invisable being I kept for a companion for so many years.  This is the hardest battle I have faced since my surgery on 1/31/06. this demon within myself is reaking havic on my success. 
There is a good side to all of this.  It started 4 years ago when I lost two fingers in an accident at work.  The bad news is the hell I went through for a year of recovery.  The good news is my mind still doesn't know the fingers are gone.  That is where my hope lies right now.  That my mind will be alot slower than my lack of will power and understanding of myself to get throught this.  My hope is to keep developing the skills and patterns that lead to success, and that my mind never thinks I am thin enough to eat like I used to. 
Don't worry, my self esteem will not suffer, I like me... and always have.  But, the comfort zone of Mother Earth does not need to rest on a plate of greens with garnishes all around.  My comfort zone is out there, in a open feild of flowers with a pretty dress and sexy shoes!  Rejoicing that I still feel fat!!!!!

 

(9-2-06)
I am seeing the scale drop once agian.  I am very happy about it and have been working really hard to get what I need in my and what I don't need away from me.  I cannot beleive how much time I spend on preparing foods, converting recipes, trying new spices.  I am actually relieved.  Before WLS, I loved to cook and create foods for the family.  NOW... I am creating healthy and tasty dishes that are good for us.  Since I loved to cook, I feel like I am still able to be me.  The only difference is that I make everything in smaller quantities and send extras to the neighbors houses.  (okay, so that part isn't new,LOL) 

  I see my weight loss as successful progress.  I have not lost as fast or as easy as most, but I am doing it.  I feel just a little sexy when I put on some outfits.  I try not to look to hard or think to much... or I ruin it by being critical of myself. Mom tells me I make it hard for people to see my weight loss because I hide in big clothes.  (I just don't want to buy smaller clothes.)  My clothing critic kids tell me I cannot wear certian clothes now because my boobs really are bigger than my stomach and I look funny. My hair hasn't looked this good in years!  Healthy and shiny and full of life. The only downfall I see is my apron has grown to a horribly large size.  All the loose skin is not attractive. (Another reason to stay in larger clothes.) But, that may help in my qualifying for PS later.  (Just trying to fing a silver lining in this cloud.) 
So there it is, I am getting somewhere.  Not too fast, not too slow, but just right for me.  I see both  my doctors within the next week and a half.  We shall see what they think of the new and improved me. 

(9-21-06)
OK, it took me a short while to get back to my journal, but I am here!  My doctor appointments went fabulous.  My surgeon said I was doing excellent...and my blood work turned out perfect. No Diabetes, no high blood pressure, no kidney damage showing (enough improvement I may go off the kidney pills soon!)  Collestral levels are fantastic.  Dropped 30 points since surgery.  Amazing! 
Other news in my life.  I went shopping last weekend with my friend Renee and bought size 22/24 jeans.  Tried them on and everything.  Went to a second hand store of course.  This week.... they are all too big!  What the hell happened there.  I didn't want to buy tighter jeans because my apron was rolled up and squished in them.  now these jeans are loose and I am pulling them down without unzipping them to go pee.  My co-workers are threating to buy me suspenders if i don't get pants that fit. They said at least I wear tops that fit.  I am one old raggy sweater away from being a bag lady some days.   Really it is the merry-go-round apron that keeps me from fitting well.  All that extra skin is an issue.  I have always had a roll there... but now it goes almost all the way around me!  YUCK!   by spring I will literally be wearing a tire.

 I have found conversaions with men much more interesting.  a lot more eye contact and a lot more smiles from them.  I ain't even thin... my body looks like a wrung out tube sock... but they are pausing for a moment longer just the same.  Like the attention... not ready for a change though.  Just figure I better note the attention before I find out I had a bugger hanging out my nose all this time and they were laughing at me in reality.  I feel more confident.  So, I am sure that shows and people respond to it.  It is all good.  Whatever the change.  It is for the better. 

 

8-20-06
The results are in:  The biggest loser contest at work has reached its 6 month ending date.  I have observed my WLS success and trials and errors to other people dieting and exercising journeys.  and here is the results. The contest started February 15.  (I had my surgery January 31.)
...  When I returned to work back in March.  One fellow employee had lost 45 lbs.  I had lost 40 at that time.  He was working out at a gym and eating high proteins.  He didn't want to go weigh himself in the end because he had quit dieting and the gym two months ago and put back almost all the weight. 
... The two female co-workers that were trying to gain extra weight before the contest started did well.  One lost a lot of weight and looks great.  She has also missed at leat one week a month of work and is sick all the time.  Her eating habits are horrible and she is afraid to eat, because the weight keeps trying to get her!(She has been kind enough to offer me some of her bigger clothes.. which I will love to take since I don't like buying anything right now).   The other gal is married to the fellow one and she also quit the gym two months ago.  Neither gal weighed in.
The biggest loser in my area of work drinks a slimfast for breakfast and lunch,  drinks coffee all day long despite his heart condition, has lost and maintained 35 lbs.  I love him to death but worry about his long term nutritional issues.   He thinks he can survive eating like that forever. 
I am mad at the promoter at work for not giving better guidelines, not holding meetings, and not checking in on these people during the process.  They allowed people who did not need to diet (a gal 5'5" and 110 lbs to enter the contest!)  and set many up to fail by letting them wing it.  Isn't it the flying by the seat of our pants way of dieting that gets us all where we are.  Where do they go from here and how do they help these people with the results?  I really want to make an appointment with the coordinator and ask these questions.  But, I am sure they would think me intrusive since I went my route to become the real biggest loser.  I cannot help but worry about these people.  I work with them every day, and I don't want to see them go through this.  Many of them believe they are done because the contest is done!  They are eating like "normal" again!
In the beginning, I felt like I would have something to prove, show everyone how this was a good choice and defend my position.  (Of course there was nothing to defend because they have all been very supportive.)  Now I feel like they are in trouble and someone has dropped the ball.  I hurt for them.. I was once them.  I don't want them to become the person I was before surgery.  I know I am winning the battle of the bulge.  I also know none of these people are heavy enough to qualify for surgery.  It just breaks my heart to see them where they are now.  Frustrated and still no understanding of how to win their battle with weight.  I hope the coordinator doesn't consider this an successful contest. 
I am at a stall currently.  But, I am still working at this and know I will every time something goes into my mouth.  I also know I am a long way from done.  Watching them has helped me know I am on the right path.  I know what they are doing now is how I got here in the first place.  At one time have been like all of them.  I guess that is what is so scary. 

 

(7-4-06)
Because everyone has to work on the 5th of July, we decided to have a third of July party.  So, two days ago mom and I go to buy me some tank tops and shorts because I have none that fit.  I try on a 2X tank top and it fits, but am convinced I am still a 3X on the bottoms and buy that size shorts without trying them on. (For I am convinced with all the extra skin I am bigger on the bottom than the top.) My mom tells me I should try them on but , I am wearing 3x shorts and they fit... so these ones are the right size... So, I go home and put my new clothes away.
 Yesterday for the party I go and put on a new outfit and find the shorts are too big for me.  If it wasn't for the tie on them, they would have fallen off.  Then I realize the other shorts I was wearing when I was shopping also had a tie on them and it was pulled in as far as it would go too keep them on.  Duh, when zip up and tie shorts are just pulled all the way tight, they may be too big. I should have been able to rely on a zipper, right?!  I am just used to everything having elastic in them.  This funny zipper world is all new to me.  Moral of the story, take someone with you clothes shopping and listen to them, my fashion picker is out of date! ((and everyone was Hi-fiving mom cause I actually admitted she was right... I am smaller than I think I am))  The zipper world is a amazing and skin catching place to be....(ps.  the tie I was tieing the shorts up with broke and now they just fall to the floor.  So I only got one use out of them.  Duh to me)

(7-15-06)
 I have been feeling frumpy and frankly a little depressed lately.  I cannot seem to shake it.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything.  Yesterday I did 7 loads of laundry, gathered extras around the house to do a yard sale next month, and cleaned and orginized the garage... and I was more frustrated than tired last night.  I know it is my lifestyle.  I know I take care of my family and I work long hours, I know I feel soooo much better than I have in years.  So why am I standing on the edge of a sword?? I need to go in and have blood work done to see if anything is off.  I can do that on Tuesday morning.  Today is the Rainbow festivel for the disabled and their families.  So, I am packing up a carload of kids and going to sit and relax while the world entertains my girls.  I may even take a book and read.  Maybe that will lighten my spirits. 

7-29-06
Spent last weekend camping, which was an interesting experience for me.  It tells me how much has changed in my body. My freind Renee and I  took 6 teenage girls with us to the mountians.  When I wanted to go hiking, half the camp stayed behind.  When it came to hiking, I was the last one to want to turn back.  Mind you I am still SMO- and my counterparts are not overweight.  I heard every complaint there was as reasons to turn around.  I was a little shocked because everyone was turning to me and telling me why they did not want to go on.  Even my freind said her feet hurt.  I was shocked.  It then dawned on me that the last time we went hiking... these same people had to stop 4 or 5 times so I could rest.  They were patient and understanding about my needs... and I was the one who was geared up to go and it was my turn to be understanding.  I swear I could have gone on for hours, but graciously turned the party around and headed back.  No problem.  My body told me what I wanted to hear anyways.  THAT I CAN DO THIS .  The camping trip went smooth too on the food front.  I bought and planned all the meals to fit me and everyone liked it.  I wasn't sure I could keep protien up and meals simple... but I did and it was easy.  I am ready to go agian! 
other subject:
AS I am changing from the world of Super Morbidly Obese to Morbidly Obese.  The changes along the way are astounding. So are the opinions of others about the changes!   Did you know there is a Me-ism cult of naysayers who feel people whom have been Obese all their lives should never have tummy tucks or breast lifts afterwards because the naturally thin world is still  superior to them.  It is o.k. for the thin because they evedently came across the flaws by accident or a cruel nature of GOD.   They really feel there should be a mark of difference between us that keeps them ranked  above the successful dieter by giving the dieter flaws of the past.  Who the hell in life has time to think of such weird and obsessive quirks to divide society?!!  (People whom me and you know! ) 
 When I am going through this frump stage and Me-izm Cult gal  asks me how I am doing and I actually told her... I forgot she wasn't really asking to hear my answer, but to share her unsolisited  opinion of how she think I am doing and where I need to proceed from here.  (or in her mind, what I shouldn't be allowed to do because I WAS fat!)  If I want an honest opinion of where I am from an outside source... I  sure would know who to ask, and I know it would not be someone from the Me-izm Cult.  (Note to self, do not go seek such an answer anyways because it isn't health.  It is like being kicked in the teeth by a mule... even when things are going great... someone else always see's flaws.  Imaginary or not.) 
After listening to this gal go on and on, I get from her Mindset that this Gal from the Cult of Me-izm believes in her superior ability to stay thin.  It is like taking credit for being born with the ability to run. (An example of something we had to learn to do, and some can and some cannot... but none the greater for it)  If it happens to her, it is understandable.  If she feels it, the rest of the world feels it, if she thinks it, the rest of the world must believe it to be true, and if she says it... it makes it true. Anyone else in her life makes no sense to her.   She cannot understand how you feel the way you do, make your choices or ever..ever..ever would feel equal to her because SHE has not your problems. (But she does have all the answers!)  Yes, I just adore her and her self mindedness. Only because I learn well from others.

(6-3-06)
So I had an epephany last night answering a message about thinking of food.  That is me.  When I am stressed or trying to relax, my brains idle time is spent thinking of food.  Just like the Alcoholic who can drink because they are happy, sad, bored, watching t.v. etc... I can think about food during my zen time.  I daydream off into creamy and crunchy and thick and liquid and sweet and salty.  I think of what I used to eat and what I eat now.   I know I am not hungry, but I relax when I think of food.  I realize I do this now although I cannot eat what I would have been eating before surgery.  Now, I have trouble remembering to eat even though I think of food constantly.  This can change and become a second thought and put me in danger of dazingly eating myself back to where I was. I live with two people who can eat just hours before they tell me they haven't eaten anything all day.  I know they did.  Now a alcoholic never stops being one, even after they quit drinking. The thought of a drink is always with them .  I cannot quit eating, so I must be aware of my thoughts and actions that come from them always.  FOOD ADDICTION NUMBER 3 DOWN BUT NEVER OUT... 3 MORE TO GO!

(6-16-06)
O.K., I am now suddenly aware of some subtle changes that have occurred over the last 4 1/2 months.  So, I think it is time to list them to remember.  

Walking always hurt.  I thought my right foot would never stop hurting after just a half hour of walking I had to sit down........NOW- My feet are happy feet! no pain! I was on my feet all week, 10 hour days at work.  Cement floors.  No Pain!!

Showers only.........NOW-Taking baths, and having room to spare when I am soaking in the tub!

I wasn't gardening......NOW- I can spend up to 5 hours a day working in the yard.  It is so relaxing and hitting my creative outlets!

I would eat every time I sat still.... ...NOW-I don't  think about wanting food.  I can do jigsaw puzzles and watch t.v. without a snack and it doesn't feel strange. 

Sick and tired of being sick and sore.... NOW-am tired and sore because of all the stuff I am physically doing, not because I am too heavy for my body to function properly.  When I hurt... it is because I was out doing something useful... productive...satisfying! 

Sleep comes from sleeping pills....NOW- Sleep comes from being dead dog tired and forcing myself to go to bed !!

Chore lists were limited to three items a day, that was all I could handle.....NOW- Chore lists are limited to 3 hours a day, but sometimes I loose track of time and just keep going and going and going. LOL 

I worried what kind of example I was setting for my girls.......NOW-My new choices are their new insperation to make changes for themselves.  Without saying anything, they are changing what they do.  Even my non-vegetable eater has been eating salad for dinner at least three times a week! 

I worried about my mom inabling myself and my girls to bad eating habits.......NOW- Even when she brings in the junk food (cake, pies, cookies, chips, icecream...)  I noticed it sits for days, until company comes around, before it its gone.  My girls don't eat it just because it is there.  I ignore it since I tell myself "my pouchie no likie".  And I am not about to find out otherwize!

I barely fit into the largest size clothes the market sells......NOW- I hold up a tee-shirt and say, "that won't fit me"... and it does! 

My co-workers asked me to quit wearing my old tee-shirts to work because I looked like I was in pajamas.  I took one of my daughters tee shirts and put it on and it fit!  I pick up a pair of shorts I have could nolonger squeeze into last summer, and they were loose and comfortable. I look in the mirror and think I see a difference. ( One knows what a critical eye we all have for ourselves)  I feel good when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night.  I nolonger limp to bed and have my girls tell me I "walk like grandma".  
Oh, and here is a kicker.... I look at guys.  (What?, I heard you Judy!)  I find myself looking around.  Scary.  For those at work who do not know I had the surgery... it is getting back to me that people are asking, "What is happening with Carol?  She is looking good".
My friends don't kiss and tell, but they share the complements and lord knows I need to hear that!  It has been a long time since I have heard a good comment about looks and been glad to hear it.  Normally I am defensive and in denial of anything positive.  This new change is good for the mental noggin to not be bricking walls around myself. ( NOTE TO SELF: Mental health is improving. )

Hair loss is going on but It doesn't really bother me.  I am loosing hair, yet at the same time, my hair is managable and looking better than it has in a long time.  I guess because I know it is normal, I am not stressed about it.  It happens to everyone, nomatter how good they keep up their diets.  Actually, it seems everything I knew would happen after surgery has happened and not worried me.  It seems I can go through a day and have it feel like normal.  I know I can live this way and be very happy.  All the changes at this point are ones I can live with and enjoy the benifits of weight loss.  ( It feels like finding a pony in your crackerjacks, huh Judy!) 
 
(6-30-06)
Well, a shock to my system..... First, last week I gained one pound.  Holy crud!  How could I qain one pound!!  We were leaving for vacation and the scale went up.  I know it was water retention... but it was the first time I seen the scale go up in 5 months!  It scared the living crud out of me.  Now, 1 1/2 weeks later and past the river of love, I am down 7 pounds. (6 if you take off the one pound gain, LOL) 

(5-4-06)
 It is funny... those people who have always been so crass to me and now come up and have the attitude." your loosing weight and so you can fit into my circle now and I will socially except you".  I look at them like, " what the f&#@!, great for you, but who says that I am wanting into your socially rude circle."  Fat is not a personality trait.. nor did I ask to become fat.  No one desires the weight.  The other thing is, these people are not thin themselves.  They are superior minded idiots who put others down to feel good about themselves.  And they don't really want to be my friend, they just want to be a part of something good that is happening to someone else. (living vicariously through others )  They want to join into the personal journey that I am taking.  Like there is something glorious for them in my loosing weight.  Like somehow by befriending me, they helped the pounds to fall off.  How arrogant of them.  This is definitely the time I weigh how people have treated me as I was, and keep watch as I become less of a person (so to speak) .  You know the phrase, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.   For me it is , take a good look around when you are fat, then when you thin out... remember those who loved you for who you are, not how you look.  So, I shall hop off the soap box too and go relax for the evening....
(5-12-06)
Great news!.... I finally quit throwing up!  LOL   I just realized that I haven't hurled in about a week and a half.  WOW!!!  Following the doctor orders at my 2 month check-up,  I started to experiment with different foods.  It had been a rough month and a half of swallowing and wallowing in frustration.    It seemed that once every day or two I had to bring up my meals again.  I really have worked hard to slow down and chew carefully and slowly.  There is a good basic food acceptance that my pouch has, and there are definite NO's.  A lot of it had nothing to do with what I ate, but how slowly and efficiently I ate.   I feel like I have overcome a hurdle.  Even though I try not to make notice of anyone around me... I cannot help but see how fast I-myself had been eating my food.  Now I savour each bite. ( I could never understand that expression before.I used to think savouring was putting it in a tupperware container for later.LOL)  This was definately one of the issues I have had with food.  ONE MORE CRIPPLING FOOD ADDICTION ISSUE UNDER CONTROL, .... 4 MORE TO GO, LOL. 
(5-28-06)
Feeling a little discouraged.  The scale only moved one pound this last week.  I worry that I am not eating enough.. I worry I am eating too little, I just plain worry.  It is so funny that on a weekly bases the scale seems so slow and hard to detect... but, on the over-all picture of things, it is unreal the progress made.  I have had trouble at the gym.  I got a full bodyshock reaction to working out that isn't good.  I was trying to do too much for the condition I am in.  There is not magic number.  That the goal is to loose weight, but also keep the body functioning.  The body organs are already doing triple the work it normally does.  I also have to consider the amount of physical mommentem I am putting into my day.  If I mowed my lawn (all 1 acre of it) and cleaned the house and weeded the garden, went for a walk with the dog and worked a 10 hour shift... maybe an hour of cardio is not the next on the list.    We are supposed to help our bodies and encourage weight loss.   Once agian, I know it is NOW... 4 months out that my body is setting limitations.  By 6 months, I will be able to do more.   Weird. O.K.  I guess I do understand. I just want the weight to keep moving out and on with its life elsewhere.  I am aware that I am doing so much more.  Not just  what I do in the gym, but other factors like when I walk everywhere and do more physically also needs to be taken into account. 

(4-4-06)
I went to the Doctors last week because one of the 'bulges' that were along my scar line never went away.  In the last week, it has been hurting every day.  I was sure it wasn't a hernia, but it also wasn't healing.  He looked at it and had me come back today to lance it. 
Well, he ended up 'Deroofing' it, as he called it... because all the meat under the skin was dead.  so he cut it out and now I have a big hole in my belly.  I can stick my finger inside.  EUUUH!   But, it doesn't have all the pressure now.  There is pain, but it isn't the same as before.  I will have to change the bandages for a few days till it builds a skin over it. 
On a good note, I have lost 45 pounds.  That is good news for me.  I actually feel excited about it.  It just sounds like a substantial number to me.  Or maybe it is because I see a difference now.  and feel it too. When I work out in the yard... It doesn't feel miserable to bend over or to dig a hole.  I pace myself and get a lot done.  It feels so good to be able to hold my own again.  I cannot wait for this last sore to heal.  It will free me from skin issues and allow me more freedom in the yard. 
I also made the first payment on my line of credit for the surgery.  I am glad to write the check. For once I feel It is worth the dough I am paying out. 
(4-24-06)
Happy Birthday to me! 
Well, I have lost somewhere between 55 and 60 lbs.  Everyone is saying something to me about my weight loss now.  The funny thing is, it makes me really uncomfortable to have people comment on how I look.  I realize it is a good thing(That they notice and what they noticed), but I am not socially willing to be addressed by my size.  Normally, if I was dieting... this would be the time when I would panic and stop loosing weight.  Truly  and purposely sabotage myself back into become fat and invisable agian.  I am well aware of this, I knew this would come, and I promise that I am taking this a day at a time and NOT destroying my work.  We all have demons to face, and this is one of mine.  Attention to my body.  I love being the center of attention... using sarcastic humor and quick wit to keep the conversation going... but, am not well versed to handle someone noticing me as a bodied being.  I mentally rehearsed for this time. I have a  plan of attention on my kids, my gardening, my friends, and keeping busy with all of them.  So far so good.  I really like the weight being gone.  Reminding myself of the good health that has followed.  This is a critical time of many to come for me.  As we all have many demons that have kept us overweight, I hope others successes are a lasting hope for me to fight off mine.  Learning to take a complement and move on to the next part of my day.  Today, and tomorrow.  I can do this.  HERE IS THE FIRST OF MY FOOD ADDICTION ISSUES TO FACE...5 MORE TO GO
(4-29-06)
Okay, so the girls at work tell me my boobs are getting smaller.  I look at them like they are crazy... I tell them they are wrong.  My boobs are not smaller, just the back fat is going... the underarm boob is going... and they now FIT into the cup size I have been buying for years.  This triple DDD gal would love to loose some boob, I am hoping to loose some boob... (I am being silly, I know I lost some boob) But the proof is in the cup.  When I actually go out and downsize the whole bra... I will quit denying the loss and start singing the praises.  LOL  A team member also tells me,"My ex wife, who used to be as big as you once were..."  I look at him like he just ate a beach ball.  WTF!  As big as I once was!  I have never heard such a statement in my life.  Everyone is always smaller than me, but as big as I was... you mean I am not a high rise apartment anymore. ( No Carol, just a duplex!)  I am so not sure how to take eveything.  I know they are trying to complement me... and I am using humor to buffer the shock. Really. I am shocked at the statemnts coming my way.  Everyone is expecting me to have a party this summer for the weight loss.  I don't even know where this came from. ( although they still talk about that Christmas party, Judy.) Too funny.
 So is my Birthday beer. On my Birthday,  I had freinds and a neighbor drop by and so we opened a Arrogant  Bastard beer for my guests.  My friend poured a half a shotglass worth for me and my daughter said,"NO! she will pass out!" She joked it was a nice day and I will be fine.  Then she poured one eight of a shot and brought it to me.  I swished on it while everyone else drank theirs.  After a bit, I tell me freind... "See, the beer didn't even effect me."   and she looks at me and starts laughing.  "Carol. you haven't said a word in the last half hour!"  ( Oh Shit!)  too funny. 

(3-9-06)
So, I was leaning over the thrown today wondering if this is what it is like for bulimic people.  I am fine some days, but some days I barf up everything I try to put down.  I realize that this is a time when my pouch is healing and the mucus is heavy in the pouch.  Every time I go to eat, I am already full (so to speak) and it doesn't want to stay there.  Instead I grace the day with emptying my mucus and then I can sit down to a meal. NOT my idea of a good lunch or dinner.  I have found hot tea helps me a lot.  Still, I cannot wait for this phase to pass.  I am going back to work next week.  I am looking forward to getting out of the house and away from my mother... God bless her from helping and dealing with me, but two women should not spend that much time together.  It isn't healthy. 
Although I haven't felt the depression everyone talks about.  I have been feeling frumpy, grumpy and draggy.  I figure that must be how I am showing depression.  (Not to mention loosing almost a pound a day at this stage.) I am normally guarded emotionally anyways... so I didn't expect too much outward fallout.  But, I  did expect to cry on commercials with kids and cute animals.  I guess that would entail watching TV though, LOL.
I have done a great job of keeping the protein and water intake up.  Yes, I have bad days... but over all through the week I am managing to do what I am told.  Just a lot of trial and error when it comes to introducing new foods to the pouch.  If you would have told me I would have to work hard to get enough food in me, I would have laughed in your face.  It is such an opposite of my life two months ago that it is surreal.  I am so busy trying to do what needs to be done that I haven't time to think about what results are playing out for me.
 I can look to the future just enough to wonder how I will look and feel this summer.  Since I live on a lake and have a private beach... I know it will be great to go swim and play even with the loose skin.  Just to walk the hill to the beach will be better.  I both imagine it and know it will be so.  What a great feeling!
(3-16-06)
I went back to work with no restrictions... although the Dr. did raise his eyebrows to the idea of me working 10 hour days.  I figured 'no problem', I can sit down part of the time and have breaks every three hours which would fit with my eating schedule.   Well, this was all o.k. before surgery. But I found there are issues now. I am much weaker than I thought coming back.  Lifting boxes and doing repetitive motions are not making my body happy.  Just the stress from being back to work makes it hard to eat.  When I sit down at break, I need a couple of minutes to pull myself together.  I need to get a few bites of something in me, and I cannot drink if I am eating... so, on the second day I hardly ate... I was thirsty all day and just wanted my water.  This was much easier to play out when I was at home and simply could concentrate on what I was doing.  Now I have to add an armload of distractions to it and make it happen.  Lucky for me, the next two weeks have scheduled days off, so I will only have to make three day weeks.  That will hopefully give me time to build my strenght and get into a routine.  I went shopping for easy and simple food s to eat at work.  Soups and such that will go down easy.  I will have to get my morning protein shake in, then it is a matter of just getting through the day.  Most of the co-workers were good to me.  Some over protective... and a few bent at the idea I was back and taking back my position and removing them from their new found hirearchy.  (sounds like everyones job, I know).  I tried not to let my physical weakness get to me, and just made sure to do what is best for me without over doing it.  ( I am known to be stubborn and go beyond my means), but I was better guarded.  Dr. Porter fixed two old hernias I had because of my habits of jumping in and going too far.  I am not about to replace them with fresh ones. 
(3-24-06)
Well, the second week of work went better.  I think the improvement of the types of foods I took helped a lot.  Plus the discovery that I could eat pickles and tomatos without the skins made me very happy.  I feel my energy getting better every day, despite the fact that I am still much weaker than before surgery.  There are things I am not doing yet, and those at work whom are MAD that I am not pulling full duty.  But the superviser said it isn't their business and work doesn't want me hurt.  safety is #1. (Thank goodness)    I did spend last weekend planting new rose bushes, 7 grape vines, a dozen dalhia bulbs, and 5 blusberry plants, as well as filled the pots on the deck with this years blooms.  It felt great to be outside and doing yard work again.  This weekend I am putting up a raised garden bed.  FINALLY!!  A co-worker gave me some tips and I went out today and bought all the wood and supplies.  It feels so good to be able to bend over and work again.  to dig and rake and pull weeds without feeling like I am going to pass out.  Mind you I am taking it very slow and pacing myself.  Even with that I have done more already than all last year.
 I also went and joined  gym.  It doesn't open for a few more weeks.  But the location is great, the ammenities were good... and I love the idea of going to start out working out with a whole lot of people whom are just as new as myself.  I think that will help me to feel like I fit in and not like I am invading already established routines of others.  Every new class given will be new to everyone.  I even signed both my girls up.  I have a good feeling about this.  I haven't had that in a long time.  I forgot how nice it is to be in this state of mind. 
Food is going down well.  I had been missing my vegetables something fierce, but a large pot of vegetable soup I made tonight went down well.. and there is enough for whole the weekend.  It is raising my spirits now that I am figuring out how to eat and what my body likes.  Now, I am likeing this very much.