My name is Brandi. I am an Alcoholic.

Dec 31, 2013

 

This is a personal post.  I'm clearly talking to myself.  

Here it is... the last day of 2013.  I'm a ALCOHOLIC!  This has been the most challenging year ever for me.   I was seconds away from purchasing Weight Watchers online - then I thought... for what?  Bitch - you are not fat from over eating.  You are fat because you guzzle 1.5L of wine everyday.  Drink 1.5L of water and then see how you feel!  In an instant - I log on to OH.  Wow!  What changes the site has gone through.  I was going to search for topics on transfer additions but then felt the need to share my story.  I must say - I feel better by doing so.  I never contribute to the public forums.  Only to my surgi/year forum.  i feel like some weight has been lifted - just by contributing a post that was not a "GLOAT" post but a "REAL LIFE" post.  My intentions where to warn newbies about the cold reality of drinking after this surgery not realizing my post could make someone think twice tonight - since it's a tradition to drink when ringing in the New Year.  

It's the most fucked up situation.   The more research I do the more about alcohol the more I'm blown away and feel that I can overcome this.  Yeah - you'll see in my blog post prior - that I gave up wine for about a month.  I never fabricate on this blog.  That would be lying to myself.  I can do this!  Slow and steady wins the race!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thoughts:

  • Damnit - why did I do this to myself?
  • You gotta keep busy!  You shut everybody out of your life just to drown in your self pitty.  NOW - you don't have anyone to help you through this.  Pick up the phone.  Call him.  Call her.  Call them.  Don't be ashamed.   
  • Get your ass up and go to the gym.  Don't snooze the alarm.  
  • Save $80 per week now that you are NOT buying wine everyday. 
  • Take a photo.  You haven't been in a photo in many months.  Post it.  Be accountable Brandi
  • STAY ACTIVE on OH.  This is your support group.  You need everyone.  I NEED EVERYONE.  I NEED EVERYONE.
  • READ THIS BLOG EVERYDAY!  Keep watching Youtube updates from DivaT and Massagegoddess.  Watch Carrnie on Oprah.  Don't be sadden.  FIGHT BACK
  • Why the hell do I like the taste of wine?  I don't even get buzzed like I should.  WTF?  Try a different SF/Non-alcholic wine if its the taste your crave.   They can't all be over sweetened.
  • Need to regroup.  Get back to the basics.   WATER WATER WATER. 
  • In 1 year - you gained close to 40lbs.  WTF?
  • I gained weight and NOT from eating food.  I feel so gypped right now.  I could have been eating churros and pizza and achieved the same results.   
  • FIGHT BACK FOR YOUR LIFE.  FIGHT BACK.
  • Be greatful...you have not gotten a DUI.  Learn from Cheryl.  1 glass of wine for a GB girl is a DUI no matter what.  (WHY DID'NT You think of this before?) GET SMARTER. DON"T DRINK AND DRIVE.  You could kill someone.  You could kill yourself.  
  • Check on your liver.  Don't be embarassed to see the Dr.  He's seen others gain weight after this surgery too.  Don't worry about him.  Worry about yourself. 

Here's the post from today:

Here's the scoop - I had GB in 2009.  I was 289lbs.  7 months later I was 175lbs.  I looked fucking amazing!  I remember being addicted to OH and reading profiles EVERYDAY because I wanted the insight those who had the procedure done.  I remember vividly reading a post in this forum from a woman who warned us NOT to drink after this surgery.  It's not worth it.  She said - it's empty calories and it only leads to a non-rewarding end.  She too - shared her story.  So here's mine.  DON"T IGNORE IT!!!!  

 Of course I was like... I am not going to do anything to go back to "fat girl land".  I wasn't a drinker pre-op so I figured - that was something I didn't have to worry about.  WRONG! WRONG WRONG!

Fast forward to late 2012.  I began going out regularly.  OF course.  When you think your HOT shit... you prance around like you're above pitfalls.  WRONG.  I noticed I was drinking a regular bottle of wine on the weekends.  Then every other day.  Then I got cheap and decided to start buying the 1.5L bottles of wine.  Low and behold - I was drinking a bottle EVERYDAY.  I was setting my alarm to get up 2 hours before work - just to drink wine.  I'd stay up till about 12 or 1am drinking wine.  I completely stopped drinking water at home. 

Anyway - needless to say - I'm a total drunk.  I started to rationalize my calorie intake.  (LAME).   I would eat a lite lunch and no dinner - just so I could drink the wine/calories.  That's 1200 calories per bottle.  I won't lie - sometime's I'd drink 2 bottles.  I became embarrassed when I figured out the store clerks knew which bottles of wine I was drinking.  This one clerk said to me - sorry... we don't have any more of that Pinot you like as soon as I walked in the store.  That made me get "hip".  I wouldn't frequent the same stores anymore.  I'd drive out of my way to go to another store just so I wasn't recognized as the chick who comes in here everyday to buy wine.   (Total alcoholic move!)

This year I became preggers...lost the baby and of course that sent me into a deeper depression.  I'd come home - sit in the same spot on the sofa - drink my life away.  What's interesting is - the word "drunk".  People say GB patients get buzzed faster.  I don't believe that applies to me.  I truly believe I loved the taste of wine - cause I can't say - I was drunk or buzzed in the "traditional" since.   But an alcoholic - YES!  I was day dreaming about wine.  Finding deals and mapping a plan.  (NOT for food...for wine)

Oh yeah... I'm back up to 249lbs!  YES - that's an exclamation mark.   How dare I fight my insurance company for months just to get the damn procedure only to later fuck it all up!  How dare I think I'm above those who have gone through the same thing as me and think my results will differ!  How dare I!!!!!!!!!

I'm a straight forward person.  If you are new to OH...take everyone situation as "it could happen to me".   Chances are it won't be an exact match...but you better believe we all have shared some commonalities in the postop/maintance. 

Once you get to your goal or damn near close - DON"T leave your support group.  I did.  I stopped going to my support groups and I stopped coming on OH.

Tonight is New Year's eve.  I had every intention to go out tonight - but... I'm not deserving of a good time.  I'm staying home.  This has been the year of sadness, depression and now I recogonize myself as a Alcoholic.  Opps - a FAT ALCOHOLIC!

I'm only 5 days into my decision / motivation / to fight back.  No booze for a whole week.  I've been to the gym 4 days in the last week.  Ha - I had been paying for a gym pass for 4 years and only went 7 times in 2013.  (Dumbass).

 

My profile is not public - BUT if you want to read my profile ( I was very active for a few years) - go ahead and request me. 


My purpose in writing this post - was to REMIND everyone...it's not worth it.  Trust me.  It's not.  


Have a safe and wonderful New Year!

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About Me
25.9
BMI
RNY
Surgery
07/23/2009
Surgery Date
Jan 17, 2009
Member Since

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